I've had enough of being a nobody -just need to vent

[Lee lee 73]

I know what I feel but struggle to find the words.

I've had clinical depression for 10yrs. Numerous suicide attempts and hospitalisations.

I think about suicide every single day. Can't remember a day where I haven't. Everyday I wish I was dead and to miraculously not wake up. My family are toxic, I've never had a loving relationship, never felt mutually cared for or loved, never been proposed to, never married, never had kids. As a woman i feel embarrassed and ashamed of this. Feel ostracized because of this and so struggle to have things in common to form strong female friendship. My only support network is my psychologist but after5yrs of therapy I'm done talking. Done sounding like a broken record.

Yes, I know I dwell on what I don't have but this has not always been the case. I triedd and tried and tried. I'm sick of hesrinf my own thoughts 24/7 year after year. I've had enough. No one really knows what it's like to live totally alone year after year. I can't help but dwell on this. It's not natural to not have been loved, it's not what being human is about, I'm not human. I'm a nobody.

[Lee lee 73]

Hello lovely Grandy,

How are you today? What have you been up to?

Grandy, thank you so much for your concern 💜. I am ok, truly I am. I still want to keep going with the trial. I don't really have much regard for myself and It's what I signed up for. The team are professional and caring. We don't get to see the other participants I guess it's probably so that we don't influence each other.

When I first started reading your thread Grandy I sensed you also have cptsd. I have since started to read up on cptsd as I don't know that much about it. My heart goes out to you Grandy as your pain goes much deeper. I'm so so glad and relieved Deebi was there for you Grandy ❤ 😘. I do, unfortunately, quickly forget mh services are pretty much non existant where you live Grandy so I do apologise for keep going on about psychologists. Sorry my lovely. I wish I could do so much more for you. Most AD's are pretty sucky hey Grandy 😣. I think I was on my 6th different one before this trial. One did kinda work for about 3yrs which was good - it was tolerable.

I bet your home grown strawberries were yummy Grandy. Oh hon, I have no doubt you are good at lots of things beautiful lady 😍. A dozen or so is success 😆. As for me, I can't even grow basil. I've tried 3 times but they all have just withered away....🤔.

I hope your day has been good for you Grandy. Hopefully the sun has shined on you. Thank you, as always, for your caring words and thoughts. It means so much to me. You are a beautiful caring person and I truly do feel honoured to be your friend. You are strong and deserve every happiness.... and then some. ...😋😊😄.

Wishing you a peaceful and sleepy evening my beautiful friend.

🐶🐶🐺💪🤗❤💜

Lee xx

[Lee lee 73]

Hello therising,

Yes, maybe therapy sessions could be a mix of listening and educating us on those things! I have read your thread - some interesting discussions there :).

Take good care therising - thank you for your words of wisdom.

Lee xx

[Lee lee 73]

...I just feel the need to unload my thoughts..

How do you get off this roller coaster when you don't have the courage to do so? How do you keep going on this rollercoaster when you're fed up and sick of your thoughts, when there is no one on the ride with you, when you're done amusing yourself?? Your mood is up and down but your suicidal thoughts are the only constant. I know I have been much much worse but it doesn't make it easier...but maybe harder.

My first five years with depression felt like my entire body was overcome with complete darkness. I spent weeks on end in bed, almost unable to walk. I was 38 and weighed just 43kgs. When I did see people, they would tell me how good I looked. Not are you ok? I didn't just lose my appetite, I felt I was unworthy of food. Then the mental health process hospitalised from suicide attempts transported between hospitals in a police paddy wagon didn't qualify for post hospital care because I had employment and a roof over my head ditched by psych because she didn't want to be on "death watch" left up to me to look for another psych. Finally after seeing 4 psychs I found my now psych - she had been my treating psych during my hospitalisations and fortunately for me she started practicing privately. She has been my only support - my rock. I guess this is when things started to turn around, albeit slowly. I have been able to let go of my family (guilt still remains) and had the strength to take up hobbies and do things to help myself. I tried numerous sports but none that I was good at so didn't stick any out. I travelled away on my own for Christmas twice and volunteered another year, got braces on my teeth and had them for 4 years and also had jaw surgery. I guess I finally gave myself permission to do what I wanted to. Then, that darkness that took over body somehow lifted. It's odd to try to describe as the deep depression and suicidal thoughts still exist, just in another form I guess. I then changed careers at the age of 41 and 1 year ago on 1st September, I followed through on my dream and moved to QLD. Did not know anyone nor had I been here before. Secured a rental property beforehand and had a job interview the day I arrived - I haven't looked back since.

All of the above, I did entirely on my own. I wouldn't change that but it would have helped to have someone there. Now, I've lost all motivation to help myself. I'm still a nobody - no matter how hard I try not to be.

Lee

[therising]

Hi Lee

First, I have to say you sound like an absolute champion. Personally, I've been a rather 'play it safe' kind of gal much of my life, unless I was fueled by booze (thank goodness those days are behind me). I'm learning to be a far more adventurous and spontaneous person these days, thanks to my kids.

Strange how you mention 'I'm still a nobody - no matter how hard I try not to be.' In the book I'm reading at the moment (Becoming Supernatural), I've reached the quantum physics (energy) part. It speaks of the importance of seeing our self as nobody - no matter, believe it or not. It can be difficult to see this in a positive context when we're used to such a term being used to define separation (I do get where you're coming from). I admit quantum physics challenges me, no matter how simply it's put but I'm persevering and finding it quite amazing. What a challenge it can be to have our energy match the energy going on around us; when things are a little off it can make it difficult to feel 'one with the world/universe'. The energy (or lack of) in depression doesn't really help things.

Must admit, I do need to change my energy. With you speaking of motivation, I seriously need to lose some weight. I don't see size as an image thing at all, just as a health indicator to some degree. Have to motivate myself to seek the right energy through the best food (and water), the right sleep and a good amount of exercise, all things I've been giving little attention to. Seeing the good weather is finally beginning to arrive in Melbourne, I shall be looking forward to a little solar power too. By the way, simply experimenting with the energy aspect of things could could be enough of a motive for us to alter some aspects of life. Can you pick anything that would alter your level of energy in any way? Could be something as simple as moving the furniture around in your place or redecorating a little.

I'm sending some pretty intense positive vibes your way, in this world of energy Lee. Hoping the vibes raise your frequency a little. Take care of yourself

[Ggrand]

Hello beautiful Lee

Oh Lee, how very brave and courageous you are...Going to another state, on your own..I cannot even walk passed my front gate at times I’m feeling okay..You have done so much on your own, be proud of your achievements you have done things that a lot of “normal “ people would find it very daunting and hard to do.....

Sweetheart, my mind is so foggy I can’t concerntrate properly to talk to you...but please Lee you are not a nobody...no person..no one? ..I am talking to you, You are some one important in my life and plenty more people rely on you for their care you are someone special to a lot of people also you are brave, I have love for you, I have care for you, I admire you, I know you have a beautiful soul, your caring, loving, sweet, kind, compassionate, brave, you care for elderly, I could go on more quite easily, my goodness Lee, you went away and volunteered that’s gold sweetheart 24ct Gold....Every person is a somebody, please Lee if I said to you that I am a nobody how would you answer me?

Love and care with heaps of hugs..🤗🤗💜💜🕊...dear friend....A friend is somebody to love and care for and to talk to and just be their for them...a person a somebody with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically one exclusive family...

I hope you have a lovely day..Dear Lee...My dear friend..

🤗🤗🤗🤗💜💜💜🌹🌹🦍🦍...Grandy..

[Ggrand]

Hello beautiful Lee,

Im just calling in for a visit..your 🚪 door was opened so I just put a beautiful bunch of fresh flowers 🌹🌺💐 on your coffee table, i also have a crystal vase to place them in..I have written you a little note that say....Goodnight my special and lovely friend, I hope your day was good and I hope tonight you have a peaceful and restful sleep..with special magical dreams, of Little pixies running around you and sprinkling pixie dust on you, so you have some light in your day tomorrow...

sending you some love 💜, some big hugs 🤗 .please be okay..

Grandy..

[Lee lee 73]

Hello my dear Grandy,

Thank you for your loving posts as always. Thank you so much for the flowers. My door is open for you, anytime.

How are you? Are you going ok?

I'm not really able to write much atm my lovely - I'm so so sorry. I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate you. I'm ok. Just need to get through this rough patch....as with all of us. I do hope you are ok. You are a beautiful caring person Grandy - you're gold!

Sending you happy peaceful thoughts.

Lee xx 😘😘🤗🤗🌹

[Lee lee 73]

Hello therising,

How are you, I hope you and your family are well?

Thank you for your kind words and thoughts therising. I will write more soon.

Sending you happy thoughts

Lee xx

[Ggrand]

HellobzDearest Lee,

Please don’t be sorry Lee, you have nothing to be sorry about at all, You’re not well sweety, and I understand how hard it is to post...Take your time, look after you and Please Lee, be very very gentle and kind to you..but please Lee an update is so much appreciated....🤗😘☺️..

Lots of love and big hugs...

Grandy...

[Lee lee 73]

Hello beautiful Grandy

How is you my lovely lady ? Grandy, I've been meaning to share with you - I'm loving all the beautiful birds in my neck of the woods. So many beautiful and unique sounds. I know you have a bird feeder outside of your room - that's so beautiful. I've noticed 2 pigeons that come in courtyard and Iszy is very entertained by their company - on the other side of the glass that is. I started putting birdseed out for them.

I'm just feeling really really down - nothing seems good enough or nothing that's good lasts so why bother with the good in the first place. I'm tired of amusing myself Grandy. Do you know, I don't feel like a grown woman, I feel like a little kid trapped and left behind. Does that make sense Grandy - do you ever feel that? Btw lovely, I don't have anxiety. ..at all. So that's why I'm able to do things.

How are you, i mean how are you really Grandy? I was worried about you when I wasn't seeing you post. I wish there was more i could do for you beautiful lady. I admire how you always seem to manage to post on others threads even when you are struggling - you're so kind and caring Grandy. You so deserve to be happy - more than anyone else I know. You can post here whatever your thoughts and feelings are Grandy - please know that. I will refrain from posting lame suggestions. Know that I'm there with you in spirit. You will be ok my dear friend. You can do this. I still do often think and wish our paths would have crossed in person. Some how I know we would have acknowledged each other's hurt. I'm here to hear you ❤

I feel for you having to mow your lawns Grandy. It use to take me 2 hrs too....and I'm younger than you 🙊. I mean that in an admirable way. How did your Tuesday go this week Grandy? You won at darts just by merely being there. 😍.

Thankfully I didn't vomit after today's treatment - I was close. Did I tell you it makes me feel intoxicated. .normally for 30mins but today it lasted a lot longer. It's not the medication for me Grandy. The drunken feeling is all too familiar. I don't want to be tempted to take it up again.

My baby girl Iszy is asleep on my lap Grandy 😊😊💜❤.

Thank you for checking in on me lovely lady. I've been reading about CPTSD, so that I have more of an understanding of what you are going through. ❤❤.

You are in my thoughts often Grandy. Sending you big comforting hugs and peaceful thoughts my dear friend.

🐶🐶😻😻🌹🌹🤗🤗😘😍

Lee