Hello, I feel vulnerable typing this but the words seem to be flowing as
fast as my tears. A few weeks ago I found my father passed away in his
bed at only 69. He was always early to rise and seize the day, yet that
day I rose from my slumber before ...
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Hello, I feel vulnerable typing this but the words seem to be flowing as
fast as my tears. A few weeks ago I found my father passed away in his
bed at only 69. He was always early to rise and seize the day, yet that
day I rose from my slumber before him, it immediately felt wrong, and as
I knocked on his door reality hit me like a brick. There, before my eyes
I saw my father, a man who's strength, patience and generosity made him
11 foot tall and bulletproof to me, laying on his back in bed, so still,
so still... far too still. I immediately tried to wake him by shaking
him, then breathed into his mouth before beginning CPR, but as I
compressed his chest I heard one of his ribs or bones make a sound which
terrified me and caused me to panic, knocking over his table before
running outside to call the police. I have been in denial, and keeping
busy has kept a lot at bay, but in the past 6 or so days it has felt as
if my entire body has caved in, I have broken down multiple times per
day drenching myself in tears and searching for reasons to stay on this
plane. His death was such a shock, I still recall his final words 'I'm
off to bed, goodnight' I never thought in a million years, that
goodnight would turn out to be goodbye. I have felt so much guilt owing
to my circumstances for the past few years. See as an adult I had to go
back to him for help in rebuilding my life, so he was my beacon in the
dark world, raised me as a single father from a child, and now too as a
man. I cannot repay what I owe to him, he sacrificed everything for me,
yet only ever asked of me to be happy and live a good life. Other guilt
stems from the thought that I did not provide CPR for long enough, once
I heard his rib I felt as if I were hurting him and fell apart, I know
that I did not hurt him, yet I cannot shake that remorse, I also regret
the few days before he passed as he was so tired and lethargic, he was
recently recovering from a bout of shingles and a slight chest infection
so we both assumed that was the reason for his tiredness, but I feel I
should have done something, forced him to go to the GP or something...I
never thought he would go to bed Monday night and never wake up, I don't
think he did either. I have been talking to his photo and recording
myself on his phone, have asked him to take me away too, yet I know he
gave too much of himself for me to throw it all away. I put on a brave
face for others but his phone holds my truth, miss you man, I am trying
dad.
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