Sudden loss of only brother.

[Mr.G]

Hi everyone,
Recently I suddenly/unexpectedly lost my younger brother. My only brother the person I grew up with, after taking his own life in April 2022 he was aged 29.

I’m a 33 year old husband and father of 2 great kids (Son 11 & Daughter 9) Officially diagnosed at 30 with ADHD, OCD, Border insomnia, Anxiety, PTSD & Depression. Diagnosed as a child with dyslexia. (Medicated for ADHD)

2015 We lost my dad an ambassador for Beyond Blue. To this day I don’t believe I processed/delt with it the right way, the pain is not any less, still finding myself overwhelmed with grief and sadness.

My brother had finished university shortly after, gaining employment as a graphic designer, around 12 months later being made redundant due to COVID. Spending the last 2 odd years, job hunting, doing bar work and so on. He appeared to deal with it well, if and when he was in a rut, spoke to mum (They were super close) and his 2 best friends.

Anyway obviously the black dog was lingering in the shadows. (No Note)

We were notified Monday afternoon, I couldn’t / wouldn’t believe it. I really struggle with emotions/feelings, like BAD. This on top of being a very proud man who self-paints the portrait of “The Man” is a “strong provider”. Trying to be the Rock to support my wife, kids, mum and my 96-year-old nanna. Feeling like I couldn’t and can’t grieve the loss of my brother in front of them without creating more pain….

April was the wife's and my birthdays, this year we just passed on them…

But I’m really struggling, I’m just really sad like all the time. Struggle to get going in the mornings, Struggle enjoy anything, becoming withdrawn from friends, distant from my kids, short fused, arguing with my absolutely awesome wife over nothing. Like I really just want my life back, I want to enjoy the time I have with my family be motivated but I guess I’m lost or stuck or both and don’t know what to do now….

Final hurtle we have to cross/deal with is, 1st of September… It was a shared day.

Thanks for the vent.
Shanon

[Quercus]

Hi Shanon, 

I've sat here looking at the screen wondering what on earth I can possibly write to you that could help ease even a tiny bit of your pain. I don't know what to say except that I am thankful that you wrote and spoke up here.

Your post was heartbreaking to read and I really hope writing here helps you to feel less alone. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your brother and also your Dad.

It must be exhausting on top of your own grief to feel like you have to be the rock for everyone around you. I'm not surprised you get irritable with your wife randomly, I'd be exactly the same. I don't think it's humanly possible to be everyone's rock, try to cope with your own grief and to put energy into being nice all at the same time. 

Perhaps these forums can give you a space to talk where you don't have to be strong for anyone else. It's absolutely ok to need support just for yourself. I hope you feel able to return and write more if it helps you.

Kindest thoughts,

Nat

[geoff]

Hello Shanon, not only have you some much to deal yourself, but with the loss of your brother and father place a huge hurdle for you to try and cope with, I am so very sorry, but you are entitled to feel this way and you should not try and hide it, because this will only make it worse for you and that's not we want to happen.

I'm sure your wife will understand how you are feeling, especially with all the conditions you are struggling with, so try and open the door for them, they know how you are feeling, but may be you're not letting them in, so try and appreciate all they want to do is support you in this difficult situation.

You haven't mentioned whether or not you are currently seeing a psych, can I please suggest you talk with your doctor about doing this on a mental health plan, which enables you to 20 Medicare paid sessions.

Please can you get back to us.

Geoff.

[Mr.G]

Hi Nat, 
Thank you for your reply.
The day after being notified, I chose to go to ride to Melbourne alone, time to myself. Most importantly I went to get his childhood teddy. This teddy he had kept his entire life "Bunny" although it more resembled a lamb.
I was given the keys by police to his unit, I went there hoping to find something, I guess. nothing was out of the ordinary. His fridge was full of food, left over home cooked meals, had shopped only the day before. It was clean minus an empty cup of tea next to the bed, washing done, an unfinished puzzle in the loungeroom, indoor plants etc.

I messaged his two closest friends allowed them to come to the unit in hope to help them with some closure some time to just be there to process, remember. Take a few sentimental items.

The following day my bother arrived home to Albury. Here is the worst part… My mother works for the funeral home… where he was transferred to… I was able to be there for the van to arrive and I being the bigger brother who should have been the protector was allowed to receive him moving him into the funeral home. Mum stayed inside with her colleagues… I was given time to collect my thoughts, say sorry for not being a better brother, but most importantly to me was to make sure he had “Bunny.” Bunny was placed in his arms, and I left.

When we were young, we got along great as we grew into you teenagers, we fought like brothers do, I guess. at 17 I left to the army, never returning home or to live close by... we saw each other 2-3 times a year… Although over the last few years had started getting along again, he adored his niece and nephew and spending time with them. Regrets I will carry forever.

[Mr.G]

Thursday of the same week, my best friend and I took a truck to Melbourne and packed up his place.
Everything came back to my place, clothes stored in sealed containers belongings kept in the spare room etc… mum just said to get rid of everything… this I could not do, and I know only regret would come of that decision in the future. So hopefully in time mum will be able to go through the things, draw good memories and hope to keep some items.
My wife and I have now also become indoor plant people, having kept his plants, obviosity as they were his and I guess we see it as a way to still be connected to him.
While packing up his things in Melbourne I got to see that we were not different at all, we were so similar in ways, drinking the same tea, 2 bags to a mug, he had OCD tendencies like I do etc

I cant even understand why this is important to share…

Shanon

[Mr.G]

Hi Geoff,
Yes I do have/see a Psychologist. (As I am prescribed s8’s as apart of my ADHD).
I am yet to talk to him, my employer has also extended their councillors services.

My manager has been particularly good throughout this ordeal and having been open about my mental health, ADHD etc. understands that I process very differently. This has helped as I have been able to continue with some normality with work when it first happened.
I also posted on a social media page when I found out and the support/comments there were also great.

I currently work in the vocational teaching sector with a wide age group, I’m very open with my students prior to loosing my brother about mental health and my own struggles. Always advocating for them to speak up and seek help, not many of them know what’s happened, some do and have passed on their condolences. But its extremely hard to discuss, know what to say, or how to respond to them. Generally I reply with “ I know there’s not much to say and it’s the though that counts, knowing they acknowledge the pain, loss, grief. But I guess that’s life and these things happen..”
Probably not ideal but I don’t know what else to say..


Shanon.

[Petal22]

Hi Mr G,

Im so sorry for your loss I understand that this would be so difficult for you.

Please allow yourself time to grieve and to really just allow yourself to be yourself and express all of those emotions you have inside yourself.

By allowing yourself to fully release your emotions will in time bring you to your healing.

Please try not to hide your emotions from the ones you love because in turn they will also feel that’s it’s ok to show their emotions like you have.

Im sorry you are feeling stuck but I believe to be become unstuck you need to really release what you have built up inside by releasing this it may also bring you to some realisations maybe the way you have thought about things and in turn turning them into new perceptions and perspectives.

I understand that your brother had OCD behaviours as you do.

Does this trouble you that you had the same conditions?

I understand that OCD is difficult to deal with but if you have the correct treatment for OCD you can recover from this condition like I have.

Please chat to me about anything and please be kind to yourself.

[Bob_22]

Hi Mr. G,

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I understand that the loss of your brother is so fresh and that you must be in a lot of pain at the moment. As Petal22 mentioned, it is important to give yourself time and try to unpack the emotions you're experiencing but it is very difficult and I suspect will come only with time. 

There's not much I can offer in the way of solace as I have never lost such a closed loved one to suicide nor can I imagine the turmoil you're in (other than what you've described) but I have linked some services below that might help while you are still waiting to see your psychologist.

The suicide call back service offers 24/7 telephone and online support for those affected by suicide on 1300 659 467. More info here: https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/lost-someone-to-suicide/common-experiences-with-suicide-be... 

Griefline, a free national helpline offering confidential telephone counselling (7 days a week, 6am to midnight) 1300 845 745.  https://griefline.org.au/ 

There is also of course beyond blue online and phone counselling 24/7 which can be found by clicking immediate support and the top right corner of this page.

Bob

[ecomama]

Dear Shanon

I'm so deeply sorry for the loss of your brother and in such a way, you must be full of so many mixed emotions. 

I am so glad you came to the forums to share your story / stories and your experiences of the deep grief, loss and feelings of regret. Also feeling that you need to support everyone around you as "the man". 

This burden you shared made me so sad. You are allowed to grieve. 

It seems that you're attempting to put a rational slant on an extremely shocking and emotional time. We get scared that we'll lose our hold on reality if we let the flood gates open. My Counsellor said a strange thing to me that has actually worked... you can drive to the waterfront or beach, sit in your car with a water bottle and box of tissues, scream, cry, talk to the person, journal and put a 30 minute timer on... HOW ODD! 
But this has helped me so much. 

Sometimes I've "white knuckled" it all day, to have that time to release the cracken overlooking the water. 
Then felt cleansed, spent, eyes not too swollen, calm. This has helped me practice acceptance but it's taken a long time to get there. 

You give so much to all around you in your family and profession. Please take some time to look after yourself too because you are so precious. 

Sending healing thoughts
EM