Trying to find an answer

[mouse0801]

Im 19f and lost my dad to suicide two months ago. mum found him, i got that call and now i’ve lost faith in the world. 

it was unexpected, a complete shock to my family. i have two siblings and my mum now, we are very close family and my parents were together 30years. 

im left with so many questions, he didn’t say goodbye. no note, not even a message. i don’t understand how he could of done that. and i feel sick thinking about the pain he must of been in. 

how did we not know, 

i could of done something 

why did you leave me. 

im in shock most days, i forget and go on as i have moved out and living with my bf since the start of the year. and then i call dad, and wonder why he isn’t picking up. my whole world crashes done for a spilt second before i shut it off because it’s too hard to feel that. 

im scared now, of how much that hurts and how i become numb, i don’t care about anything damn it all. and how i could hurt the people i love by spiraling out. but i can’t because i don’t want to hurt my loved ones . i want to hurt myself because i feel like it doesn’t really matter,. 

but then i get moments with the loml that everything feels ok and that the weight of knowing my dad, who was my whole world. who i trusted the most , will not be there for the rest of my life and i know i can still be happy. 

but it’s this constant battle that i feel is getting worse. my mental health was good before, some aspects of anxiety but normal. i would go to my dad and he would help me rationalise it, and remind me that it would all be ok. 

so im scared of how i feel, and think now. all i need is to get one last hug, for him to tell me everything will be ok. maybe even just a bloody goodbye. 

i struggle to talk about it, to really tell people how much im hurting, because it’s easier to not have to except it. 

i don’t know how i can live with this. i need my dad and now he’s gone. he did this to me 

[Sophie_M]

Dear mouse0801,

We are so sorry to read about your loss. It takes great strength to post in our forums, and we know you can use that same strength to help you through the intense grief you are going through. We are a very supportive community, and we are honored that you are allowing us to share this most difficult and painful part of your journey with you.

We understand that you are confused, hurting, feeling lost, missing your dad, angry that he abandoned you, angry that he didn't let you help him, and so many other emotions, all bottled up and trying to get out. We hope that you can find some strength and comfort in the knowledge that this is a normal and healthy part of the grieving process. You haven't become weird.

We would like to encourage you to talk to your GP about how much you are struggling with your grief. Your GP can help you set up a mental health plan with a mental health specialist who works with people going through the process of grief and loss. Working through this process may help you find your way through the grief.

Whenever you are feeling overwhelmed and need to talk to someone, our BeyondBlue Support counsellors are available on 1300 22 4636, anytime, day or night, every day of the year. You may also call Lifeline on 13 11 14, if you wish to talk to their specialists.

Please try to remember that you are not alone. We are always here for you. Feel free to post whenever you wish.

Warm regards,

Sophie M.
 

[geoff]

Hello mouse, my heart opens for you in this very difficult time and I am sincerely so sorry for the loss of your dear father.

Dads are always great for their kids to find the answer to their problems and able to show them the best solution to take and when this happens, it certainly helps those who are struggling, but even though this does happen, it may cause the father to quickly worry where no one can notice this fear they have, so they keep all of this to themselves.

We are only human and as much as we want to help our children, we are not immune to take on board these problems ourselves, especially if we are quietly struggling ourselves.

It is our duty to give all the support our children need and it certainly doesn't mean we don't love our kids, because we do, but may not say it enough to them but I'm sure your dad loved you without question.

If you feel content you can still talk with your dad, it might be difficult at first, but you will get stronger as time progresses, because may be you feel him with you.

I am so deeply sorry you have to go through this.

My best.

Geoff. x