Im not coping

[Captain T]

Hi all. I just need to get this out somewhere. I am in a very dark place. I feel as though someone is sitting on my chest and have so much emotional pain yet feel numb at the same time. Im alone and lonely. I hate myself and who I am. I am so tired of fighting to get well and when I go to bed I pray to not wake up. I can’t keep going on like this. I need to get better

[Captain T]

Hi guys

Just an update as I’m trying to process 

Just come home from my Psychiatrist app

and have a diagnosis of bipolar II. 

Im trying to process it right now and trying to accept it. 

[Petal22]

Hi Captain T,

Thank you for the update we appreciate you coming back to us.

Well done Captain T for seeing your psychiatrist and it really is fantastic that you have been diagnosed.

I understand that sometimes when we hear our diagnosis from the Psychiatrist it can leave us feeling with mixed emotions.

Sometimes it can take us a little while to accept our diagnosis but in your own time Captain T you will and once you can fully accept your diagnosis you can work on managing your condition.

Acceptance is key with moving forward.

Now that you have been diagnosed your Psychiatrist will know how to treat your condition so you can live with a better quality of life.

Can I ask if you will be keeping up with your therapy sessions? I believe these will also help you.

Captain T I understand sometimes we can be left a bit stunned I know I was, when I was diagnosed I told my psychiatrist I didn’t want it. I was replied with “ you have it”…. ( I know our conditions are different)..

Yes it did take me a little while to accept my diagnosis but once I was able to accept it I was then able to move forward and work on managing it.

Captain T I know that you will be ok and you have moved forward in a massive way.

Be kind to yourself while you process this information.

Please know I’m here to chat to you along with our community any time.

[Captain T]

Yes Petal22 I will continue with the therapist. The psychiatrist has recommended it. 

I’ve had a medication change. For the last 20 years anti-depressant have been my crutch. Now I have to stop them and take anti-psychotics. It scares me a lot as I need to get rid of the anti-dep to maintain my safety but part of me wants to keep them in case I need to go back on them. 

The MH nurse said my suicidal thoughts could possibly come back so that scares me too. 

I really feel so messed up right now. I know I just have to accept it but I think it’ll take me a little time. 

I have to rely on the strength that I’ve gained so far to get me through. 

I have come a long way I just really need to maintain my safety to get through. I’m hoping that I can continue to get stronger

[Petal22]

Hi Captain T,

Its great that you are keeping your therapist appointments.

I understand that having to stop your antidepressant and start a new medication would feel scary.

While you are going through this medication change you could stay in good contact with your doctors because they need to manage the medication change.

I understand that the mental health nurse said your suicidal thoughts could come back I understand this would feel scary.

In your therapy has your health professionals been able to help you to learn how to manage these thoughts?

Have they also advised you what to do if you feel in danger?

I understand the feeling of feeling messed up it’s alot to process but just give yourself time……

Captain T you are STRONG and you have come a really long way and you should be so proud of how far you have come.

“Never forget there is a strength inside you that roars louder than any of life’s storms”.

You are resilient Captain T and I know that you are going to keep going.

Remember you will have good days and bad days in recovery eventually the good days will outweigh the bad ones just keep on persevering.

You will begin to know the signs when you feel as though things are going the wrong way but you will get better and quicker at recognising this so you can turn it around quicker towards your advantage.

Nothing in life is impossible if you BELIEVE in yourself everything in life is possible.

Stay positive 

Please know I’m here to support you along with our community anytime.

[JustTam84]

Hi Captain T

Wow, you may feel like a complainer and negative, but can I just say, I’m exactly where you are right now. It’s like I had written everything you wrote. And being able to see that I wasn’t alone helped me. So yes I’m glad you reached out and vented here.

I feel exactly the same about a psychiatrist etc. I’m so scared that if I be honest about my thoughts and feelings, I will be admitted to a mental institution, and that would absolutely kill me.

like you, I live in the country and it’s extremely difficult to get a GP appointment let alone a psychologist etc. I have been on the wait list for a psychologist for over a year now. The hardest part was when they called me after receiving my referral and said “we received the referral from your GP, unfortunately we don’t have time for you”

That broke me more honestly.

As of right now, I’m in the worst state of depression that I recall being in. So far it’s been a month and I’m really struggling to keep fighting but I know I can do this.

I don’t know how to keep going, but I know that because of my love for my children, I have to.

I flipped a switch yesterday, went completely numb.

I enjoyed the numb, because I wasn’t hurting.

but I’ve woken up this morning and it’s all back again.

there’s no light for me yet, but after reading your thread from start to finish, I have hope.

you are definitely not alone, I promise, keep going 

[Sophie_M]

Dear JustTam84,
 
Firstly, let us welcome you to the forums. We are so glad that you found your way to this supportive and welcoming community. Please feel free to express yourself and your concerns openly and without fear of judgement as this is a safe space.
 
We are sorry to hear that you have been struggling with these feelings and finding it hard to get professional support. Despite this difficulty, it is great that you have such loving and supportive children providing you strength and inspiration to continue going.
 
As you stated it has been difficult to get a psychologist appointment and do not have regular contact with your G.P, please consider this service. Someone Health is a team of Bulk Billing Psychologists who are available for video and telephone Counselling 7 days a week. And, for most Australians it's free under Medicare. Visit Someone Health to find out more.
 
Until then we just wanted to say, we are always here for you. Please remember if you feel you need to talk through how you are feeling or honestly do just need a chat, please contact Beyond Blue either via phone  1300 22 4636 or through Beyond Blue Online Chat.
 
Thank you for trusting our supportive community and sharing your experiences, we hope you find the shared insights and advice of our members helpful.
 
Warm regards
Sophie M

[therising]

Hi CaptainT

I'm so glad you recognise your strength and how much further it can get you. I think, often strength can be found with a rise in consciousness. Kinda like 'Now that I know what the underlying issue is, I can now work toward managing it'. Of course, not always easy, managing what we're gradually coming to understand. If we could understand it all in the blink of an eye, not a problem. I believe it's the gradual part that makes it a slow and sometimes upsetting, frustrating, stressful and potentially depressing process, a kind of 3 steps forward 1 step back process.

Now that you know you're working with extremes (diagnosed as bipolar II), managing the extremes sounds like the key. Sounds like you've got some solid people on your team to help you manage to the best of your abilities. I imagine your abilities will develop over time. I'm hoping the new med will help offer you the freedom to develop, keeping you grounded while you work on better understanding and mastering yourself.

When it comes to being told we're prone to experiencing periods of depression, I think it pays to word this news very carefully, as the news itself can be potentially depressing. If you can find a way to reword it that works for you go for it. Maybe 'I have the ability to easily sense/feel sudden major downshifts' or 'I can sense the massive shift in my energy (high energy to very low)'. Perhaps you'll become expert at sensing yourself on the verge of a shift so you can manage what's coming. Some find, with research, they've come to master the shifts.

[Captain T]

Hi JustTam84

Im sorry for the struggle you are going through right now. I’m sorry the psychologist said that to you and I know it makes it worse as you feel no one cares. As you have read I have been going through massive highs and massive lows. Before I could get in I did contact BB on the phone and it was very helpful. I think I helped me to be able to get into contact with my now team and helped me to be able to open up face to face. 

I actually came very close to ending my life recently. The only thing that stopped me was remembering just in time that it was my friend’s birthday. I couldn’t do it to her. It scared me so much. I see you have children use them as your protective factor to keep you safe. 

Im glad I have given you some hope. It actually helps me to hear you say that. While I feel for you it makes me feel as if my horrible journey is helping someone else. 

The country is hard. I was lucky and at my work they have an Employee Assistance Program where I could ring and get face to face appointment with a counsellor. The counsellor then decided I was not safe and helped me get an emergency gp appointment. That’s what started the ball rolling. My gp got in contact with the mental health team at the local hospital. An hr after my gp app the mh team got in contact with me. I don’t know if your local medical centre has emergency appointments available every morning but it worth a try. If you can get in be completely honest and request a referral to the MH team. They are the reason I’m still here. They are the reason I could get into the psychiatrist. The major concern was my safety. The have suggested admitting me twice but I gad to guarantee them my safety and the MH nurse was ringing me everyday to follow up. 

The support and advice I have had on this forum has been and absolute godsend and I can’t thank these guys enough. Even just being able to vent and know someone is listening 

Sorry to make it all about me but just wanted to let you know how I ended up with a team behind me pushing me forward.

Know that you are not alone in this journey and I hope that you can find your team. 

Please keep reaching out it is worth fighting for and keep strong! 

Captain T

[Captain T]

Hi Petal22 and therising. 

I have a gp appointment every week and the MH nurse said she is only a phone call away. 

I don’t see the therapist again until next week and we have really gone through anything to keep me going if the suicidal thoughts come back. The gp suggested working out a safety plan with the MH nurse. I do have all the important numbers saved in my phone though. 

I will monitor my moods and start writing down how I feel so hopefully that will help me find the triggers and signs. 

I do feel like this journey has just gotten a lot harder but I have to just stay focused on today and not what could your couldn’t happen with changing my meds. 

I have come through so much already and have to keep fighting my way through. I’m hoping with the support of the team behind me and the support of you guys I can make it. 

I am strong and I am resilient! I have to keep telling myself that. 

Thanks so much for all your support. I hope you realise how much I appreciate it! 

Captain T

[Captain T]

Back to being on that roller coaster.. feeling really low and trying to beat it. Breathing… yoga.. nothings working.