Im not coping

[Captain T]

Hi all. I just need to get this out somewhere. I am in a very dark place. I feel as though someone is sitting on my chest and have so much emotional pain yet feel numb at the same time. Im alone and lonely. I hate myself and who I am. I am so tired of fighting to get well and when I go to bed I pray to not wake up. I can’t keep going on like this. I need to get better

[Petal22]

Hi Captain T, 

It sounds as though you have some great support in place in regards to seeing your gp, therapist and your MH nurse.

I think that’s great that you are going to monitor your moods, you really will get to know this inside out which is something that will really help you because once you learn your cycle you will learn how to disengage from it before it gets any further along…. It does take practice and perseverance but it’s really well worth the practice.

I understand you feel as though your journey has become harder but let me just tell you that the hard bits of your journey are the ones that are really building you in positive ways.

Im sure through your journey you are going to do some inner work these parts can seem hard but they are the best part s to work on because you can come to whole new life changing realisations.

Just stick at it and see it all through.

Captain T yes you are STRONG and RESILIENT believe it because it’s true.

I have loved supporting your along with our community you really are such a strong person Captain T, you reached out….. YOU did that! If you didn’t do that we couldn’t have supported you. Please take a moment just to reflect on your journey so far …….. that’s strength right there! 

Keep holding onto it with both hands, you are a remarkable person and your strength is admired by many.

“ Endurance is one of the most difficult disciplines, but it is to the one who endures that the final victory comes.”

“Those who overcome “

great challenges will be changed, and often in unexpected ways. For our struggles enter our lives as unwanted guests, but they bring valuable gifts.

And once the pain subsides, the gifts remain. These gifts are life’s treasures, bought at a great price, but cannot be acquired in any other way.

Capain T I understand that in this present moment you may not yet fully understand the last paragraph…. Yet…… but keep persevering on your journey and believe me that eventually it will all make perfect sense 🙏

Knowing we have been a godsend to you is music to my ears 🙏 thank you for your kind words.

Keep up the great work and I am always here to support you along with our beautiful community.

💪

[Petal22]

Hi Captain T,

Great minds think alike….. I just replied to your message 😊

Im sorry you are feeling low at the moment……

This moment is temporary and it will pass…

Do you remember what you did last time when you spoke to your MH nurse that helped?

Its great you are trying yoga….. have you tried meditation?

[Captain T]

Thanks Petal22 

Ive tried all the stuff that’s been suggested.  The only way to stay safe when I’m like this is to have a shower and head to bed. Which I will do shortly. 

Thanks for your concern

[ecomama]

Dear Captain T

HUGS! 

You have to have something good to look forward to. 
Even if it's coming on to the forums and seeing the outpouring of love for you each day. 

What's one thing you love to do, that you can look forward to? 

You WILL get through this. 
Love EM

[Captain T]

Hi Ecomama

Thanks for joining in. I do love coming on here and seeing the support. It does give me a lift. 

I am going on holidays in October to the beach so that can be my look forward to moment. I just don’t really have anything in the near future. As in the space I’m in I don’t find any enjoyment in anything. 

Thanks so much

Captain T

[therising]

Hi Captain T

I'm glad to hear you still have a reliable way of managing, the shower and going off to bed. Whatever constructive way works to help stop hearing the internal dialogue.

I think the tricky thing with depression is not everything will work all the time. As you mention, breathing exercises and yoga won't work under these circumstances but I imagine they help under other circumstances, perhaps when things aren't as intense. Can become a bit of a 'toolbox' thing; 'Which specific tool do I need to pull out under certain circumstances'. Kind of like you would use a hammer to drive in a nail but it wouldn't be at all effective if you had to screw in a bolt. Yoga might work beautifully when you're relaxed to a small degree but it perhaps won't work if your mind is incredibly hyperactive. A different tool here may be the shower and sleep tool.

Not sure whether you can relate but I've found over time that just when I think I've got all the tools I need, I'm faced with a whole new mind altering life changing challenge and it's like 'Here we go again. Seriously, do I really need to develop another skill?! Why can't life just be simple for a change?'. I think, overall, we're skill developers, tool gatherers to some degree. Then, at some stage, we begin sharing those tools with others. I see you doing this with the compassion, support and experience you share with others, sharing tools you've collected and developed yourself over time. You're a beautiful person.

Not sure whether researching 'How to consciously shift brain waves' might produce some insight and/or a new tool. Brainwaves will naturally shift in sleep (in a state of altered consciousness) but to do it consciously in waking hours can be a real challenge. Meditation and breathing can offer so much, perhaps even more if you're using them to consciously shift brain wave patterns and chemistry.

[ecomama]

OH WOW a holiday to the BEACH?? 

That's fan fairy tastic Captain T. 

Hopefully the crisp weather will be over by October, during the day anyway. 
That's so nice to hear. Well done you! 

Do you do that thing I do? 
Do you get a calendar and cross off each day? Like counting down the days until you leave? 

I want you to know that I had deep depression years ago. It was like having a 12ft thick, wet blanket on top of me all day every day. I had lots of little children, minus zero money (married to a hugely irresponsible "person"). 
Estranged from family. 

I could only venture into the garden and bring the kids with me. 
It was my saving grace for sure. 
I learnt zero cost ways to garden. Doing this for a lot of our time really saved me.
Bit by bit the depression lifted. 

Sure I went back there with more astounding events but overcame it with much support. 

Wanted to know I get you. 
This time is hard! 

Bit by bit, moment by moment, you'll see the sunshine again. 
You'll remember or find new ways to bring your self back, a MUCH more experienced self who has survived and will thrive. 

I'm slowly finding new things that spark joy in me. Weird things like informative YouTube channels lol. Minimising my spaces. 

It's nice seeing the beauty in things again. You will too, I'm sure of it. 

Much love
EM

[JustTam84]

Good Morning Captain T

i don’t really know how to explain it, but reading your posts helps me. Because I feel exactly like you, I have highs and lows.

yesterday I thought I was better. And I was so happy and relieved. I thought I didn’t have to feel it again. But then later yesterday I felt it coming back. Like you, nearing the end of the day and horrible weather makes me worse. I need that sunshine and beautiful blue sky to even try and feel better.

I too became dangerously close to ending my suffering. But I will keep myself safe for my children.

at this very moment I feel like I’ll be stuck feeling like this. Then I see hope it’s going then it comes back again. I know what triggered this to begin with but there is no way I can or am allowed to deal with that situation. Just know that I’m right there with you and this thread is a godsend to both of us. These people replying are so wonderful and I’m so glad you have a really good team looking after you 🙂

im scared of reaching out due to my own fears. I think I’ve watched too many movies lol

i hope you stay well and know everyone is here ☺️

[Captain T]

Hi JustTam

Im so glad my thread is helping you. These people that are helping on here have really been a godsend to me as well. 

I am still struggling at night on a lot if days. Some of the things the therapist told me to do were leave the lights in. The more lights the better. She also suggested making a phone call to a friend or family members of a night for just a friendly chat (not about how you are felling). Also she suggested jigsaw puzzles as you need to concentrate on the shapes. All this does help at times. I talked to a friend last night and she had me laughing and lifted my spirits. I’m also doing one of those diamond dot things and it distracts me as well. 

As Therising said you need a toolbox of tricks and they don’t always work but while you are trying it helps to keep you safe. Well that’s what I have found anyway. 

I too felt like I would be stuck here forever or until I ended it. I still feel that way at times. The only thing you have to hold onto is hope. The others on this thread have shown me that it is possible to get through. Even though you don’t always believe it. 

Reaching out for help is nothing like the movies!! All I could see was crazy people walking in circles and licking windows!! If I hadn’t reached out then I don’t know where I would be now. It does take time to build the strength to reach out. I rang the BB number and told them everything. I’ don’t know if you would feel safe talking to them about your trigger but do know they were great with me. When they asked if I had a suicide plan and I said yes they were able to start things rolling. 

After reaching out I now have a very supportive team behind me who want to help me recover from this. I do hope you find the strength to. I have now discovered that the meds I was on weren’t right for my MI so now they are trying a completely different kind. So far it seems to be working. 🤞

I really can’t suggest enough to reach out but you do have to do it in your own time! 

I am here with you too and please keep checking in as the others are a great help. But also you are helping me as I know someone else is going through this too. Also being able to try and build you a toolbox is reminding me that I actually do have one! 

Take care. Be kind to yourself and stay safe!  

[Captain T]

Hi Petal22, ecomama and therising

Thank you all so much for you feed back, support and suggestions.

I haven’t starting marking off the calendar yet but I probably should as it’s a reason to keep on keeping on.  It’s a reason to get well and stay well. 

Im so sorry you went through all that ecomama. I’m glad you made it through and are stronger for it as everyone else has said. 

therising I will look up the shifting brainwaves. That’s what is great about being in here everyone has different ways and suggestions as to how they got through.

Some days I do see the light and it is starting to get brighter. I know I still have a really long way to go and many more hurdles to jump. I am discovering how strong and resilient I can be. At the moment it is like 1 step forward to 1 step back instead of constantly back to rock bottom. I do believe the new meds are working but it has only been a couple of days. With you guys and the MH team I’ve got behind me I will make it through. I think that is the first time I have ever said ‘will’ instead of ‘if’

I have come a really long way I still have a long way to go but I can do it!!!! 

Thank you all so so so much!! 

Captain T