Im not coping

[Captain T]

Hi all. I just need to get this out somewhere. I am in a very dark place. I feel as though someone is sitting on my chest and have so much emotional pain yet feel numb at the same time. Im alone and lonely. I hate myself and who I am. I am so tired of fighting to get well and when I go to bed I pray to not wake up. I can’t keep going on like this. I need to get better

[Petal22]

Hi Captain T,

Just popping in to say hi and just checking in on you.

How have you been this weekend?

🙂

[Petal22]

Hi Captain T,

Endurance really is the word for a mental health condition.

You have endurance Captain T you have demonstrated this in so many ways.

It really does feel like a marathon but it’s a marathon you are winning just keep on going.

Im glad that you have been able to shed a new light on your parents Im sorry for the way they speak to you though, Im here to listen if you ever want to talk about it.

Im sorry you have crashed and your not having very good thoughts, Captain T do you remember what your MH nurse said to do if your thoughts come back? Please follow the nurses instructions.

Captain T remember we have ups and downs in recovery eventually the ups will outweigh the downs.

Im sorry you are sick and tired.

You really are not silly and you shouldn’t feel ashamed of yourself pick yourself up and tell yourself positive things about yourself.

You are a remarkable person and you are STRONG and your a PERSEVERA 💪

Captain T please remember what your MH nurse said to you and follow their instructions.

We are here please come back to us.

[Captain T]

Thank you Petal22

Last night was really rough. I did SH but I didn’t need medical treatment. I know it was stupid and shameful. I did have suicidal thoughts but I didn’t act on them. I had a long really hot shower and focused on the water on my skin and went to bed. 

I’ve been to the dr and got antibiotics for my chest infection and a certificate off work so I don’t have to do the night shifts in the cold. So that’s a little less stress as I was worried about being able the breathe with the minus temps. 

I actually rang my best friend this morning and told her everything that is going on for me and she was surprisingly supportive. I haven’t spoken to her since May. She has given me a little boost. 

I also called my MH nurse just to check in. I just told her last night was rough not any details, but I do feel safer after making that call. 

I have a narcissistic mother how constantly told us as children that we were horrible, useless, a waste of space, worthless and that she didn’t know what she did wrong to deserve such horrible children. But to this day at 45 yrs old I’m still criticised by her. I am starting to learn to accept her for who she is I just need to move passed what she has said. I’m guessing that’s where my thoughts have come from and I need to learn to change what I’ve been told into thoughts of believing in myself.

While this rock bottom has been really hard, scary and terrifying I think I did need it to be able to gain long term control of my self. I just have to make it through! Sometimes I can see the light ahead even though it is very dim. I just need to try and focus on it being there when everything comes crashing back down. 

Thanks for listening 

Captain T

[Petal22]

That’s ok Captain T , thank you for opening up to me.

Captain T I’m sorry you did SH but Captain T you chose to have a long hot shower and practiced mindfulness with the focusing of water on your skin and went to bed.

I applaud you Captain T for choosing mindfulness, Captain T if you can choose mindfulness over anything your mind is doing this is progress and resilience.

Mindfulness is something that will always help you to come out of the mind into the present moment…… and the more you can be in the present moment the more you will keep moving forward.

Thats great you called your MH nurse Im glad it has made you feel safer.

I think it’s great you confided in your best friend and she was able to give you a little boost and support.

You have just hit the nail on the head there Captain T with what you said that your mum always said horrible things to you but you need to learn how to move past what she said and replace them with your own beliefs about yourself.

It doesn’t matter how old you are to start doing this Captain T I think it’s so fantastic that you are showing awareness…….. you have already grown so much.

Thats the beautiful thing about healing we can learn to challenge our thoughts and beliefs and in turn replace them with our own thoughts and beliefs.

( You could ask your psychologist to help you to do this if you want to)… honestly by doing this it will open up a whole new world for you ……. Our perceptions can always be challenged and changed and also our thoughts.

You get to replace all of that with your own and when you do, make your mind a beautiful place to be 🙏 you have that power.

I understand Captain T rock bottom can teach us so much and it’s in the climb back up that you begin to realise your true potential.

Always believe in YOU because you are worth it.

You are making it through right now Captain T just keep on going! I know you will because the view from the top of your mountain is amazing.

Keep focusing on the light because its there and it’s even more brighter each day that you are moving towards it.

🙏 Keep going 💪

[Captain T]

I’m really struggling. I’m back to where I started with my mornings being ok and then the darkness is coming back every night. The logical part of my brain knows that this should eventually change but the depressed part keeps taking over. I just can’t control it. I just don’t know how much more I can take. At the moment it’s hard to sleep. I’m constantly fearing that I’ll just stay in the dark forever. Most nights I feel like I’ll never get out. Im tired of suicidal thoughts every night. I keep telling myself that I won’t act on them but I’m scared that if they continue I may

The closer my psychiatrist appointment gets the more scared I’m getting as well. So I guess that doesn’t help. I’m scared of being admitted and I’m scared to tell them everything in case they admit me involuntarily. 

Sorry just hoping by getting this out somewhere that I may be able to get some sleep and some relief. 

[Sophie_M]

Dear Captain T
 
Thanks for having the courage to post and share your experience this evening.  We are sorry you are feeling so low at the moment and can hear you are concerned about meeting with your Psychiatrist but please remember the support and care you receive is often with your safety and best interests at heart.  We have reached out to you privately to offer you additional support.
 
As you know, we are also here 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or via our Webchat.  Our team who answer the phones are ready to have a supportive and non-judgmental chat whenever you need it.
 
Thanks again for sharing. It’s a powerful and brave first step towards feeling better.
 
Regards
 
Sophie M

[Petal22]

Hi Captain T,

Im sorry you are feeling this way I understand it’s hard.

I understand that when our minds start to repeat over and over again these intrusive thoughts they can be really distressing..

Captain T do you remember how you did mindfulness and it helped you? You were able to allow the thoughts but instead of focusing on them you were able to put your attention on something else in the present moment.

If you are laying down focus on how your body feels in the covers, how do your feet feel? How do the covers sound? What can you hear?

Pat your dog how does your dogs fur feel?

keep practicing this Captain T…… eventually it will come easy to you with practice…  you will be able to turn your attention onto something else a lot quicker the more you practice.

When you feel stuck in your head bring your attention out of your mind and practice mindfulness.

Captain T your psychiatrist appointment will go great, your psychiatrist is there to help you…. 

I understand that sometimes we feel we want to hold back but I believe that the more honest we are with our doctors the more they can properly understand what we are going through and there for give us the best treatment to help us.

I remember my first appointment with my psychiatrist I was petrified and had the same thoughts as you but when I met the psychiatrist I immediately felt at ease because the psychiatrist had my best interests at heart and wanted to help me and the psychiatrist was the one who got things really moving forward for me.

None of my irrational thoughts came true…. Sometimes our anxiety tries to get the better of us.

Captain T you have already taken your leap of faith keep going! 

I know you will…… Captain T can I suggest you call your MH nurse and let the nurse know how you have been feeling tonight… they will understand.

Please keep coming back to us.

[therising]

Hi Captain T

I'm glad you've been able to make some sense of your mum's and dad's behaviour in the past and currently. I think it's one thing to make sense of a  parent's behaviour and another to decide how we're going to manage it. It can get pretty complex I think. Kind of like if our parent or parents were impacted by their parents abuse or neglect, how are we going to manage the fallout from how our grandparents raised their kids? Can go back even further sometimes, such as in the case of tradition. For example, if a father is happy to follow tradition, where he leaves the mother in charge of raising the kids while he goes out to generate income for their life, how has this traditionally been managed in some cases, not all? While 95% focusing on generating an income and 5% focusing on dealing out discipline in the way of mental and/or physical abuse, this can be deeply felt by a child. In the mind of a child, they are not worth their father's time unless this time leads them to feeling fear and abuse. Can be a massive undertaking, being the first in a long line of many to break a tradition such as this. A fully conscious and sensitive father (sensitive to the needs of his kids) may be the first to break it, while many around him may be dictating (as a criticism) 'You're too soft on your kids'. He may have to work hard on himself to remain free of and evolve far beyond all those kinds of destructive beliefs.

I've found 'You're so sensitive' to be a compliment. It implies a person is good at sensing. By the way, we can't sense without 'feelings'. How can we possibly sense neglect without feeling how neglect feels? How can we sense what's depressing without feeling how depressing feels? How can we sense what's angering and so on? 'What am I sensing?' and 'How do I manage what I'm sensing?' are 2 questions I've found to be key.

Never be ashamed of how you're feeling or sensing life and the challenges you face within it. It is a unique and able person who holds the ability to feel so much and so deeply.

[Captain T]

Hi Guys

Thanks for your advice. 

I did call the MH nurse as I started the crash this afternoon. She was amazing and did help. She gave me some things to try and it has helped.

Her first concern was my safety but I told her they were thoughts and I didn’t think I would act on them.  I told her that they were very distressing. I have to call her again in the morning. 

Also my MH nurse will be at the psychiatrist appointment with me, which is a huge relief. It’s an hour and half appointment which is going to be long and overwhelming. At least the nurse will be able help me understand and will taken in what I can’t. I’m still scared but at least I know I will have support .

Thanks for listening 

[Petal22]

Hi Captain T,

That's ok 😊

I think it's fantastic that you called your mental health nurse and your nurse was able to help you.

Well done for recognizing the signs that you were crashing and you where able to intervene with this by calling your mental health nurse and your nurse was able to help you.

It's great that your mental health nurse has asked you to call her in the morning.

It's fantastic that your mental health nurse will be at your psychiatrist appointment with you, I'm glad that knowing that the nurse will be at your appointment has made you feel more at ease.

I understand that you are still scared Captain T but I believe that this is a normal reaction.

Your Psychiatrist appointment will go well.