Im not coping

[Captain T]

Hi all. I just need to get this out somewhere. I am in a very dark place. I feel as though someone is sitting on my chest and have so much emotional pain yet feel numb at the same time. Im alone and lonely. I hate myself and who I am. I am so tired of fighting to get well and when I go to bed I pray to not wake up. I can’t keep going on like this. I need to get better

[Captain T]

Thank you!

Im glad it is a sign.

Not feeling it right now 12 hrs in the dark and extreme cold doesn’t do much for the darkness inside. Hopefully I can get enough sleep to get through the last one tonight.

Maybe I’ll get more signs on my day off

[Petal22]

That’s ok Captain T,

All the best for your last night shift…. Keep persevering and hold onto hope and you will make it through.

Hopefully you can get some sun on your days off…. Do something you enjoy 😊

I bet your little dog looks forward to seeing you.

[Captain T]

Hi petal22

I didn’t make it through the last shift. I just couldn’t keep pushing. I guess I have to understand my limits.

Im currently just drained and not ok but am safe.

I’ll just take the next few days to look after myself and try and pull myself up.

Thanks for all your support

[geoff]

Hello Captain T, normally this, unfortunately, does happen, it's so difficult to last the full day on your recovery, 4 hours is 4 hours better than yesterday and those dark hours will slowly diminish, not that you will actually notice it, it happens bit by bit, so for example, instead of having 1 bite from a sandwich, you could eat half or more of it, that's something we don't notice but is an improvement.

Keep going and please let us know how you are.

Geoff.

[Petal22]

Hi Captain T,

Thats ok 😊 happy to support you.

Im sorry you are not ok but I’m glad that you are safe.

We have good days and bad days Captain T and that’s ok……… you have already come so far it’s ok to stop for a bit and take a look back at how far you have come…. It may not seem like it yet but you really are making progress, you are more resilient than you think.

I understand the exhaustion is hard ……… our mental health journey is a marathon but it’s one you can win in time………..

Please be kind to yourself and please take the time to do something nice for yourself.

Please let us know how you are……..

[Captain T]

I feel like a yo-yo. I haven’t woken up in a good place. I just constantly feel that nothing I do is good enough.

I was always told as a child that I wasn’t good enough. That she wanted to get rid of me and never have to see me again. I still get from her ‘what did I ever do to deserve kids like you’. The more I feel like I’m failing in recovery the more this is coming into me thoughts. Maybe she is right.

I just need to release this and I’m sorry. I’ll go back to sleep and try and start again.

[Captain T]

I didn’t wake up in a better place. 😢

Trying to stop my dark thoughts but I think I’m just to worn out. Feeling very very flat. I’m so over being miserable and negative. Just feel like giving up. But I know I have to keep going on. I just wish it would all end.

you guys must be sick of me too. I have no where else to vent. I’m so sorry for being like this.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Captain T, 

We're sorry to hear you're struggling today. It sounds like you're dealing with a lot, but it's very powerful of you to have shared it with your friends here.

Captain T, please know that you are important, the way you're feeling matters, and you are so, so welcome to vent here. We are here for you, both this community and our lovely counsellors here at the Support Service. We really strongly encourage you to reach out to the team on 1300 22 4636, or chat online here. If you at any point feel unable to avoid acting on these feelings of ending it, it's really important to keep yourself safe by making a call to 000 or presenting to ED, as this is an emergency.

Thanks again for your openness here, Captain T. You never know who is reading this and feeling less alone because of your bravery in sharing what's going on. 

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

[Captain T]

Hi Sophie M

It’s not a good day at all. Thanks for letting me vent.

I just feel like I’m one of those negative people that I hate. So that’s not helping. I hate it. I generally can see positives and negative’s but at the moment I just cant get passed the negative.

I’m about to take the dog for a walk but it’s pretty overcast so I guess that’s not going to help lift me.

I will try to call when I get home but I’m still struggling with asking for help. It makes me feel like even more of a failure. I do understand that it’s ok to ask but I just find it hard to admit that I need it.

[Petal22]

Hi Captain T,

I'm sorry you aren't feeling the best today I understand some days are hard but they WILL get better, believe me they will.

Can I ask if you where able to get in to see your gp?

I understand with what you are saying in regards to the negative thoughts that are coming into your mind they can feel like a avalanche at times..... this also happened to me along my journey. I believe that because I was experiencing severe anxiety that everything that caused me anxiety in my life came flooding back with a vengeance.... it was really y hard to navigate those thoughts and feelings, I remember thinking why? why is all this coming back to torment me now?

BUT do you know what I believe that they all came to the forefront so I could then deal with them and then eventually let them go and heal.

This has major growth in it for you...... you may not see it now but once you learn how to deal with these thoughts and feelings you will grow from it and move forward with your life.

I'm sorry for what you experienced as a child I understand that must have felt really horrible for you to be treated that way.

Please don't believe what this person said to you because it was a reflection of this person and not you.

Maybe it's times to learn how to forgive this person? " You aren't excusing the persons behavior with forgiveness, "when you forgive others you aren't doing it because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace".

This is something you do for you..... you don't have to say it to the other person but it's just so you can forgive internally so you can find peace. Forgiveness will set you free and letting go will help you to grow.

When you have the repeating thoughts just allow them to be there try not to fight them, because the more we try to fight them the stronger they become.

Try to put your attention on something physical in the present moment like your beautiful dog, how does the dogs fur feel? How does your dog smell?

A strategy I learnt for repeating thoughts was just pretend it s a song stuck in your head on repeat..... eventually when we give the song no attention it goes away.

I hope you had a nice walk with your dog it's great you are doing this..... when you are out look at the trees or flowers and really zone in them really zone in on them....... how do they really look? they are pretty amazing and so are you.......... your a miracle too so hold onto hope and keep persevering, everything will be ok.