Im not coping

[Captain T]

Hi all. I just need to get this out somewhere. I am in a very dark place. I feel as though someone is sitting on my chest and have so much emotional pain yet feel numb at the same time. Im alone and lonely. I hate myself and who I am. I am so tired of fighting to get well and when I go to bed I pray to not wake up. I can’t keep going on like this. I need to get better

[Petal22]

Hi Captain T,

It’s ok, what you are dealing with isn’t easy it’s a journey.

Please always remember that your present situation is not your final destination. The best is yet to come.

Never give up, giving up isn’t an option you must keep pushing forward…. You may not see it yet but what you are going through will grow you in positive ways.. just keep on going….

Have you thought about going back to your gp and discussing how you are currently feeling?

Can I ask if you discussed medication with your gp?

There really is light at the end of the tunnel really there is believe me……. I’m living proof that recovery is possible you just need to hang in there.

We don’t reciprocate you as complaining at all, you are really strong for reaching out to us…. Please keep doing this we want to support you.

You can call one of our friendly councillors on 1300 22 4636 anytime.

Keep up the fight 💪

We are here to support you.

[geoff]

Hello Captain T, you know the effort to be able to go to work, it's doesn't matter if it was 5 minutes or 5 hours, it's still an achievement, remember next time it could for 10 minutes, and if you're able to slowly build it up, then you are accomplishing something.

Take your time.

Geoff.

[Captain T]

Thank you so much guys

Today I made the entire day but now I am so mentally and emotionally exhausted that I feel nothing. No pain. No bad thoughts. No good thoughts. Just nothing. It’s weird. I’m not sure if it’s good or bad. It’s literally just nothing. I doesn’t make any sense.

I am on medication but I guess it’s just not working anymore. I will try to get in and see my gp but it’s probably a 3 week wait.

I’m exhausted so I’m putting myself to bed early and just praying I can do it again tomorrow. A 4:30am alarm is hard to deal with on a good day. Lol

Thanks so much

[Petal22]

That’s ok Captain T.

You are very resilient and this is something that takes courage to keep pushing through and forward… well done.

Our mental health journey is a journey some days will be better than others eventually the good days will outweigh the bad days.

If you have a bad day just tell yourself tomorrow will be better.

Try not figure everything out just take it a day at a time.

Ok, if you want to you could go back to your gp and discuss how you have been feeling and also discuss your medication…. I understand gp s usually like to manage their patients medication so just discussing this may also help.

Im sorry it’s such a long wait to see your gp maybe you could ask them if they could speed up the wait time.?

All the best for the day ahead and try to

“ look beyond the struggle” 💪

Things will get better.

[geoff]

Hello Captain T, sometimes when you feel like this you could be at the cross road, which is better than felling negative all the time.

We do need to come to this point, and it may happen once, twice or many times where you try and quietly peer through the door looking for something to latch on to, and when you can't see anything, you sit back and feel numb, waiting to look through the door in hesitation.

At some point you can open this door with confidence, but it can't and won't happen straight away, give yourself time to heel.

What you have to battle with is an enormous adjustment in life, just like trying to walk a huge gale of wind, sometimes we have the strength, other times it pushes us back against our will.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Captain T]

I wish I could open that door now.

I am sooo tired. So tired of fighting. I’m tired of not having the strength to get through.

Hopefully tomorrow I may get some peace. It has to come at some stage.

I will ring the gp tomorrow to see when I can get an appointment. Hopefully I can get in earlier. Living in the sticks makes medical hard.

Last night I had a dream that I went away with friends. (I actually don’t know them in real life). The weekend went bad and by the end none of the friends wanted me in there lives anymore. I guess my head is trying to tell me something.

[Petal22]

Hi Captain T,

I understand that we want things to happen for us now…….. I really do understand…….. just keep persevering it will come…….

Our mental health journeys can feel like a marathon it takes alot perseverance…..

You do have the strength and you are going to get through there really is light at the end of the tunnel just keep on going…

Our hardest battles can lead us to our brightest futures….. what you are currently going through is building you into a stronger version of yourself and trust me the version you are becoming is worth fighting for. 💪

You will definitely feel peace again within yourself just keep pushing forward.

Thats great that you are going to make an appointment with your gp maybe let them know how important it is that you see your gp soon.

Your dream is just that a dream it doesn’t mean anything, please try not to read into your dreams or thoughts.

Try to keep your attention in the present moment as much as you can….. this takes practice.

When you feel your attention is in your head redirect your attention to something in the present moment.

Remember what we give attention to we give power to.

Hang in there and keep up the fight…… no matter how tired and exhausted you get pick yourself up and fight another day because YOU are worth it. 💪

[geoff]

Hello Captain T, even if your appointment is by phone, then that's better than nothing, good luck.

Try not to worry about these types of dreams, I also still have strange dreams but can dismiss them when I wake up, if you can do this, then that's one part of starting to feel better, even though you may not be.

Recovery isn't like waking up or your whole life will suddenly change, it happens in small segments, some that are noticeable and those you don't really recognise until later on.

When we are depressed we sit and brood over everything that's happened that day, in a negative way, because that's what controls our mood, try and stop that from happening as it makes us feel worse than before, it's better to think of nothing than recalling what should of happened and the reasons why, because you have to be strong enough to do this.

Take care.

Geoff.

[Captain T]

Hi Guys

Ive just gotten into bed so I can have a sleep before I start night shift tonight but I have a question. so I thought if I it out there I may sleep better.

Today has started out pretty good. I actually felt ‘normal’. Well my normal. I felt good for about 4 hrs. Then for the last 2 I’ve come way back down again. It’s not just a little bit down it’s way back into the darkness and back to having no hope and no fight.

My question is. Is that a sign of hope? Is it a sign that I may being turning a corner?

It’s really hard to understand as I was so good and then slid straight back into it again. I was happy to be happy. I haven’t felt like that for so long for quite a while. I tried so hard to fight the spiral back down but I couldn’t stop it. I knew that when I started to have good moments they wouldn’t last and that I would come back down but i didn’t know that I’d come all the way back down. I thought that when I’d come down it would be less dark each time.

This morning I was looking forward to today and to work tonight. But now I’m back in that place that scares me. I’m so sick of being here. I just want it all to go away.

Is this normal?

Is it part of recovery?

[Petal22]

Hi Captain T,

That's great that you had 4 good hours...... YES! its a sign of HOPE.....hold onto HOPE with both hands because it's what will get you through.

I know you want all of this to go away and yes it will eventually, you just need to hang in there, keep persevering and have a knowing that better days are coming your way.

In my recovery my mornings will always the worst but I knew that I just had to ride it out and then the afternoons would be better...........

Hang in there, in recovery we all have up's and down's but eventually the up's will out weigh the downs.

Sometimes, life will kick you around. but sooner or later, you realize your not just a survivor. You're a warrior. and you're stronger than anything life throws your way.