The Dark Spiral of OCD and Bipolar

[LaTeRaLuS777]

Hi, first time posting on here (or anywhere for that matter about this stuff)... I have OCD and Bipolar Disorder.
As i sit typing I am aware of every noise in the house and outside being "They/Them" coming to get me. My OCD has been leading me down dark rabbit holes of thoughts and images recently (in a self-destructive spiral) and I couldnt take it any more.
I chatted with one of the BeyondBlue people who helped me to seek out a positive distraction for the night so I joined this community and started to type.
For me OCD is like a little urge going "just one more dark thought, just until midnight, then i will let you go...." but it never stops! It is never satisfied until I feel like giving up and taking one way out or another (neither are good options by the way!).
I am a good person with a good heart and I know i would never do these things yet that spiral is so strong, so desperate and so persistent that I fear I may not be strong enough to fight it. Seeing others going through this same process makes me feel like im not alone, yet i fear that "They/Them" would have me locked away because of the "Darkness" within me.
When I was younger (18-19 yrs old) I first experienced this dark spiral and it terrified me so much that I contemplated suicide so that I could never hurt anyone like that! Thankfully I am alive but the OCD "Darkness" remains and it is a constant battle. How do you fight what you cannot see/touch/destroy?
Im sorry for this stream of consciousness post but im really trying to convey my feelings as best as i can. Thank you for taking the time to read this and thank you for (hopefully) accepting me as I am.
(ps: I am seeing a psych and I am medicated and for those two things i am forever grateful).

[LaTeRaLuS777]

Hi Everyone and Welcome to a New Year!

Sorry it has been a while since my last update, things have been rough lately.

Work was hectic (and unfortunately, still a bit crazy) due to Christmas plus Covid. I tried to keep in mind the thought that eventually it will get better and slow down a bit but so far its just going on and on and on....

On a side note: I was injured at work, did damage to my spine after lifting a very heavy item. Dont Lift Heavy Stuff!!! Seriously, not worth the risk. Im now in constant pain and its also affecting my mood.

My mood has been up and down and down and down recently, luckily i am seeing my psych soon and we shall discuss many things.

So i guess this is just an update to let you know i am still kicking (all-be-it with only one good leg haha).

Thank you as always and my apologies for my absence.

L7

[quirkywords]

L7

no apologies necessary.

your updates are appreciated.

Sorry you were injured.

Up and down is ok if you know things will improve.. I hold on to hope.

[Andre_P]

Hey bro sorry to hear you hurt your back ay. Were you at work? There may be a compo claim in that one. You gotta be careful ay. Even with all the stuff you are going through you still keep you sense of humour.

to be honest I’ve been up n down myself. Probably got worse then better then worse then on the way up to getting better.

my anxiety got so bad I was actually depressed n crying which then afterwards made me angry. I’ve had a few manic episodes here and there which makes me think mines ocd n bipolar (even tho i hate labels).

I know one thing if I am strict n watch my thought patterns I always seem to do better. Obviously we can’t always control what we think and nor should we on an automatic level (due to automatic paradoxical thinking - meaning to fight thoughts is not good, or due to emotional or behavioural response which provokes more unwanted thoughts) but we shouldn’t add additional intentional negative thoughts into the mix either.

e.g. I’m trying my best to be positive even if I feel crap n I’m even watching my lust level n trying to keep things pure n natural and good natural thoughts. It is a little boring yes but for some reason it works. Maybe it’s the Lord’s way of disciplining me.

I will say this though since I have done this my anxiety may have decreased but my depression is on the up and I don’t find joy in anything anymore (even more so).

it really is a strange world bro haha. I am still reluctant to see a psychiatrist however I am booked in with a different gp to see one.

under my other gp I have a clinical psychologist putting a dsp report in, cuz that’s how bad things have got over the 2 year period.

I just wanted to say hi. Good on you for been able to work bro. I most certainly have not been able to work. I hope you are looking after yourself. It’s always good chatting bro 🙂

[Andre_P]

Haven’t heard from ya, hope you’re ok bro. I feel myself slipping but I’m trying my best ay. Trying to stay positive but it’s hard.

really hope you’re doing ok. I wish I could go back 3 years when my head was clearer without all this junk in it. I cry a bit sometimes thinking about the past and sometimes just to be anxiety free at that particular moment. It’s like a prefer crying. See the ocd driven mania is soo intensely extreme that to finally get some reprieve of it once it subsides, feels a lot better. Mental illness is complex

I gotta be honest though I don’t really want to be here some days. I’m tired bro. Very tired, but never sleepy.

sorry to whinge. Hope you’re doing ok bro. I was referred to see a psychiatrist but I’m still iffy about meds but seems I have no choice as my brain is an a_ _ hole and won’t leave me alone.

hope everyone is doing well ay

[LaTeRaLuS777]

Hi Andre_P and everyone,

So sorry I have been away for so long. I truly hope you are all well and okay as best you can be at this time.

I get that feeling you said about being very tired but not sleepy, like a whole body fatigue that comes from the system running too long on not enough fuel. And then there is the Emptiness.

Andre_P ... hang in there mate. I cant promise it will get any easier but as I once thought "nobody who lives on a beach takes a vacation to a beach" - I dont think the Darkness is where I want to be. Nor you.

Its difficult to say what I want to say at the moment, I dont have the energy to put it into words. Im struggling but with my head above the water. The good thing is that I can recognise this is where I am and that things will get better (eventually, even 2 seconds seems like a lifetime).

To everyone reading this post: Please take care of yourselves and others, mentally and physically. Keep fighting. Keep your own heads above that temporal waterline.

And boldly follow your heart into a future that only You can create.

Bye for now, L7

[quirkywords]

L7

thanks fir your update.

You express yourself so well and I can relate to what you say.

This paragraph below really speaks to me and to others .

“Its difficult to say what I want to say at the moment, I dont have the energy to put it into words. Im struggling but with my head above the water. The good thing is that I can recognise this is where I am and that things will get better eventually.”

I do think the ability to recognise where one is at, is such a powerful tool to have that insight.

At times I have lied to myself not on purpose but where I am really honest with myself it is helpful.

I hope you keep understanding what is happening and keep your head above water.

[LaTeRaLuS777]

Hello Everyone,

So what do you want first? Good news, or Bad News...?

Lets start with the good news shall we....? I am alive and Manic! Too much, too fast, too many, too fun! I am enjoying it though as the fact that I am alive is a real kick at the moment. Work is awesome, I feel like Im good at it and people are loving my enthusiasm (read as: talkative, bouncy, excited and MANIC!) despite being easily distracted by shiny things, hahaha! So whats the bad news then, L7?

The bad news is that about two weeks ago I was on the edge of the Darkness looking down into a pit of complete despair and I decided to just jump into it. I had it planned and I was committed to end it all. Luckily my support network realised something was terribly wrong and they talked to me and took away my intended "tools of self-destruction" until they knew I was going to be alright. It was really really tough and I was a complete mess. My whole body was aching from crying and I wanted to curl into a ball and disappear from sight. This happened just after I visited my family interstate, which in hindsight seemed like it was meant as a final goodbye. But L7, you know this is a challenge and a rollercoaster, you know it gets better, you know to just keep your head above water.... Why do this to yourself??

My answer is this: I wasnt myself. I was mentally and chemically unbalanced. My body felt like a shell. I forgot EVERYTHING i have ever said here and talked about with my psychiatrist! I wasnt myself at all.

SO, what have I learnt from this? REACH OUT!! Reach out to BeyondBlue, Lifeline, ANYONE! Do not step off into the Darkness, its not any better in there.. in fact it may even be worse. If you are not yourself then you owe it to your Future Self to take a step back and say "whoa, this isnt right. I need help."

Anyway lets finish on a positive note by saying much love to you all and I hope your Future Self remembers what I have said here today.

This is L7 signing off for now 🙂

[therising]

Hi L7

You offer a truly brilliant perspective and beautiful deeply supportive advice. Sometimes I think how unfair it is the way a brilliant perspective or mind altering revelation can only be found by going through the darkest of times. It's kind of cruel in a way. Waking up to why things got so dark or how they got so dark can put us in charge of identifying the triggers. I think the more sensitive we become to our feelings the better we become at identifying or feeling when a wave's about to hit. Kind of like 'I can sense a wave on the horizon'.

Still trying to master figuring out who's triggering in my life and how they're triggering. Also trying to figure out why they're so triggering. One of the most productive mantras I exercise is 'I can feel what you're doing to me'. Another one can be 'I can feel what you've just done to me'. You know when someone suddenly brings you down how that 'down' has a real feel to it. Sort of like 'boom', followed by 'What the heck just happened?!' Can be like a flick of the switch and suddenly you're in the dark, until light is finally shed on matters. Then it's up into 'Aha' mode or 'Oh my god, that makes complete sense. I can't believe it's taken me this long to work that out. That's absolutely brilliant!!!'. The revelation can be thoroughly invigorating. Nothing like the pure energy of an astounding revelation to act as natural fuel. Always disappointing when the energy behind a single revelation begins to run out. Personally, I find that kind of power addictive. Sounds kind of weird but I think I'm addicted to revelations, based on the kind of energy they offer. I'm a revelation junkie 🙂 'C'mon, c'mon, I need another one, another mind altering hit. What's wrong with me? Why aren't the revelations coming in like they usually do? Think and fast'. Can become potentially depressing when there's a period of drought. We humans are funny creatures. Made complete sense when someone explained to me what that 'drought' period is about. As they said, we can't live solely on revelations, we have to take action through them. In other words, 'Now you have the theory side of things, here's time out so you can put it into practice'. The drought is really a time of practice.

Another good piece of advice I received was 'Journal every revelation you have because you'll most likely forget a lot of them. The journal will act as a reminder/reference book in the down times'. In reality, we're writing our own self help book 🙂

[Andre_P]

Hey bro been a long time. Sounds like you been doing it tough. So have I. In all fairness I am on the up (in a good way, not manic lol). But very slowly on the up.
mania is not fun when it can be distorted. I have never experienced psychosis (knock on wood) but that is where mania can lead to.

my ocd and mania got so bad tho bro that I actually passed for dsp pension. Like legit all day all I could do was manage my symptoms.

im definitely doing better however I feel I rely on a sleeping pill. I am going to see a psychiatrist (referral is in) and try some daily antidepressant meds or a mood styliser or antipsychotic I dunno.

im still reluctant to try scripts but I can’t stay on antidepressants can I. I can feel myself becoming more n more dependent and even psychologically n physically addicted to them. Even while I’m on them my ocd is still nuts.
a chemical balance isn’t fun. We have to try and rewire out thought patterns. Or just get a magic pill that manages our symptoms and that tells the brain to secrete the right hormones haha.
it does start with

good thought patterns
rewire the brain
rewired brain secretes the right hormones (and neurotransmitter)
correct n balanced hormones n neurotransmitters equal a happy health brain

[Andre_P]

I look at it in 2 ways. 1 we have an analytical brain and an emotional brain. The emotional brain is the culprit and needs to be put in it’s place by the analytical brain. Both of these brains pull information from the conscious and the sub conscious.

there is another side to all this whether anyone wants to hear it or not but it’s the truth. I don’t wanna get too heavy but I’ll keep it light

I am a Christian (a believer) and I have given myself to the Lord Jesus Christ and have been baptised.

God is the creator and protects us

Now in this world is also the enemy (satan). Now even though a lot of mental illness is natural causing, the enemy still harasses a lot of ppl with his deception (especially the unbeliever, an unbeliever can even be possessed)

my point is come to the Lord Jesus Christ and you will get a heck of a lot less torment from the enemy. Believers still get torment but it’s external torment (strongholds).

im actually going to write a book tackling both sides of the spectrum.
tackling the psychical ocd and chemical imbalance and tackling the spiritual warfare side.

my point is demonic forces can cause a mental illness or aggravate an existing one but you are much much safer when you come to the Lord (in fact saved).

I know this is a heavy topic but it’s really helping me to over come my fears. I got a long way to go but I’m getting there


God bless you brother and stay strong ay