I don't really know what I'm doing here. I guess I've been struggling
with stuff for awhile and I don't know where to turn. Maybe someone on
this forum will help? Maybe not. Maybe I won't even manage to post this
and it won't matter. I think I have s...
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I don't really know what I'm doing here. I guess I've been struggling
with stuff for awhile and I don't know where to turn. Maybe someone on
this forum will help? Maybe not. Maybe I won't even manage to post this
and it won't matter. I think I have some sort of anxiety disorder, but
I've never gone to a doctor to be diagnosed. I just can't make myself do
it. I keep telling myself I'll make an appointment but then I find an
excuse to get out of it or I keep putting it off until 'next week.' This
is going to be a long post all about me, and I'm sorry for being so
selfish. But I think I really need help and I don't know how to go about
it. I was diagnosed with depression as a teenager after my boss
discovered my self harm. I was forced to see a doctor who saw me only
once and then made me attend counseling. I faked my way through
counseling, saying what I thought they wanted me to hear and then I
moved town soon after. I never went back to any sort of counseling, nor
have I told any doctors about my depression.I have learned to deal with
my depression in my own way, without medication or help from other
people. I no longer abuse alcohol, self harm, take illicit drugs, abuse
painkillers, act promiscuously or smoke cigarettes. Instead I write
(bad) poetry and songs which help to get me out of my own head for a
time. I also read a lot, which helps me to think about other
people/situations even if they are just fiction. I take photos and I
play a musical instrument. These things seem a healthier way of keeping
the blanket of sadness from smothering me.I am proud of what I have
accomplished and how far I have come in the last 8 years.But I'm not
better. I don't know how to deal with the feelings of anxiety I have.
I'm too afraid to pick up the phone and call a friend - because what if
they don't want to hear from me? I don't want to annoy them with a text.
What if I invite them to have lunch and they say yes, but are really
just being polite and don't want anything to do with me? What if they
say no straight up? That will hurt a lot.Thanks to my indecision and
fear I don't really have any friends anymore. I'm lonely and have no one
to talk to about what I feel.If my husband is away overnight, I freak
out. I can't sleep at the best of times, but when he is away I get
paranoid. I have spent many nights huddled in the corner of our room -
lights out, holding a knife and jumping at every sound... convinced
someone is trying to get inside. Sometimes even when my husband is home
I wake up in a sweat, hearing noises and thinking that someone is
robbing us. Sometimes I'll wake him up and ask him to check the house,
other times I'll stay frozen in fear - hardly breathing in case an
intruder hears me. I have nightmares about 5 nights a week. I never
sleep through a whole night.I hate social situations. I'm uncomfortable
and awkward. I can't stand going out to a restaurant or person's house
unless I am familiar with the place. I hate approaching a check out, I
don't like ordering or speaking to the waiters/waitresses... partly
because I'm shy, but mainly because I get overwhelmed with totally
irrational fears that I can't even put a name to. In a room, I sit with
my back against a wall. I get nervous, sweaty and a rapid heart rate if
I have to walk through a crowd... and I definitely won't walk through
one if I'm by myself.I rarely want to leave the house, and if I do it's
to go somewhere quiet and secluded. When I do leave, I need to check the
door to make sure I locked it, and if I don't double check I end up
turning the car around, going home and making sure. I don't answer the
phone if it rings. If someone is at the door, I hide on the floor and
don't move until they go away.My husband loves me. We do so much
together, he tries so hard and is so helpful, supportive and strong...
but he doesn't understand how my brain works. It's like it never shuts
off, and I'm filled with a noisy mess of non stop thoughts all trying to
be heard over each other. It's like if I can't channel my thoughts and
keep them in order my head will explode from the pressure. Usually I can
write, or even just have a good cry, and it helps keep me sane... but
sometimes I am so tempted to do something stupid like kill myself and it
scares me. I don't understand it, I'm actually quite content with most
aspects of my life... I'm not afraid of death, but I don't want to
hasten the process. What is wrong with me? Does anyone else feel like
this? What can I do to get help? I'm so terrified to go to the
doctors... is there another way? Thanks for listening to me spout on. I
appreciate it.