Hi all. Just thought I'd introduce myself around here. Mine is mostly a
tale of depression and anxiety, primarily social anxiety. It began
around age 14, though I had no understanding of it then. I only realise
it looking back now. Academically I was...
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Hi all. Just thought I'd introduce myself around here. Mine is mostly a
tale of depression and anxiety, primarily social anxiety. It began
around age 14, though I had no understanding of it then. I only realise
it looking back now. Academically I was quite ok through school up til
year 10, though, quite privately, I was emotionally a mess, and I always
found socialising inexplicably difficult while everyone else seemed to
get along fine. What I can remember most about my teens are distinct
feelings of complete emptiness and meaninglessness, sadness, loneliness,
and little desire to get out bed. This really took a toll in the HSC
years. Given that I was struggling to find a decent answer to any sense
of meaning in my very existence, I was not able to find any meaning in
applying myself in study. So my results were poor. Thankfully I scraped
into uni nevertheless, presumably because there was so little interest
in the maths degree that I applied for. That gave me something to do,
and I managed to push through to end up with degrees in maths and
computer science. Personally, however, my issues only deepened. Without
the imposed sociality of the school playground, I withdrew even further,
with my social anxiety, and depression, ever deepening. Through those
years I was essentially a loner. The freak who sat at the back of the
lecture theatre and never said a word to anyone. It was only at around
the end of this period of study that I began to learn more about
depression and anxiety disorders, and so I can now look back with a
greater understanding of what was occurring than what I had at the time.
I had just kept trying to push through it, as everything I was
experiencing was normality to me, I knew no different. I had begun to
see a psychiatrist/counsellor (which took me a little over a year to
find the courage to do so), who eventually put me on an anti-depressant
after counselling type therapy proved ineffective. I ended up deciding
that I needed time off to recover and try to get well, even though I had
just received a scholarship to begin a masters degree. The feelings of
mental strain that I was experiencing were so intense it was beginning
to feel like a physical sensation in my brain, beyond even an
all-consuming emotion. It felt like it was killing me, so I just stopped
everything. I could no longer keep going on like this. But I had finally
come to see the truth about myself. I was in a deep depression with
severe anxiety. A few years down the track and I'm just about to turn
30. I'm essentially unemployed and still living at home. Thankfully the
combination of medication and rest over the last 5 years or so has
resulted ultimately in a significant reduction of symptoms, though it
has certainly taken some time. I've also more recently invested much
time in reading several helpful books, and applying the lessons learnt,
which has also been helpful. I am now at a stage where I would like to
get back into life, as it were, which I have been doing a little of
late, but progress is slow. I still find that I seem to have mental
blockages when it comes to exposing myself to new social situations that
make it difficult still. Particularly, I think I would be better able to
progress if I could speak more so about my struggles. Thankfully I have
1 good friend that I am able to share with, but there are others I would
also like to tell. Yet I am finding it impenetrably difficult. That is
mainly why I decided to share here. Things can only be overcome one step
at a time, and perhaps sharing with the relative anonymity of this forum
may make it easier to share face to face. If anyone has any advice to
share for someone in my situation, that would certainly be appreciated.
I am considering volunteer work as a start, but am finding it difficult
to begin. It's easy to think about intellectually, but the prospect of
actually doing it only causes fear. It might help if I could do it with
one of the few people I know, but for that to happen I really need to
tell the people I know. And, finally, please be kind...
Hi! Check out this post if you're not sure how to start
