Hello, This is about finding love and not being able to hold on to a
good thing because of anxiety. Just so I don't waste your time if you
are not interested. I am trying to come to terms with my past. My dad
suffers from undiagnosed bipolar (or some...
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Hello, This is about finding love and not being able to hold on to a
good thing because of anxiety. Just so I don't waste your time if you
are not interested. I am trying to come to terms with my past. My dad
suffers from undiagnosed bipolar (or something severe, he refuses to
seek treatment) and my parents are separated. He was abusive mostly to
my mum, but sometimes to me as well. So my childhood memories are mostly
sad and dark. When my mother left for another country to find a better
life, he used to lock me up to go see his mistress, and I would be home
alone for days on end. My grandma found out and took me from his care. I
think I was about 5, but I don't have good recollections of that period.
I came to Australia a few years later, but found myself struggling with
life - parents are constantly arguing, theirs is violent and explosive.
Sometimes when things go out of control, there is physical violence. I
found it hard to make friends, concentrate on school etc. I thought
there was something wrong with me. I could feel it then. I felt
everything. Then one day (many years later - I was in my mid 20's)
something inside me just snapped. He had assaulted mum again and we were
fearful of our lives. I tried to calmly talk to him, but he made no
sense and tried to convince me what he did was ok. A few days later I
called the police and an AVO was enforced. A few months later we moved
out, and he moved out of the country. I have seen him twice since then,
we speak rarely but are civilised when we do. I don't hate him, I feel
sorry for him actually because I know he can't control himself - and I
can only imagine a person away from their children must be painful - but
I don't want him in my life, he is reckless and I need to live my life
and not be responsible for his consequences anymore. I thought
afterwards, 'well, now I'm free to live my life!'. I found passion in
life and was the happiest I had ever been. A few years ago I met a
lovely guy. We started seeing each other, I promised myself to go slow
with this one (as a previous r'ship didn't go so well) and after 6
months of dating, we decided to give it a serious try. Except, I didn't
feel he was 'in it'. He also said then that 'he wasn't good in r'ships'
... I didn't know what that meant. About 8 months after I met him, he
invited a female friend to a show we were going to. Just the 3 of us. He
didn't introduce us - they just went into a private convo about things I
didn't know. I tried my best to get involved. And it was ok. But it left
a bitter taste in my mouth. I tried to brush it aside. Then the week
following, this happened: A last minute text to him, to say if it's ok
if I come over for the night. He said yes but the same female friend
will also be there. Alarm bells rang loudly but I still went. It turned
out to be a night that would dictate everything up to this point. They
were having convos I couldn't join in, I knew then for sure they had an
intimate past. Being pissed off that he didn't have the decency to tell
me about her was an understatement. I felt left out and let down for
most of the night and to this day still feel the scars from it. When I
was sober enough to leave that night, I took my things and left (yes
there were a lot of alcohol involved too). He profusely apologised the
next day, briefly told me about their past (it was just as intimate as I
had thought) and said 'that ship had passed and I'm the one for him
now'. Maybe it was my past, but I couldn't trust him anymore. No matter
what he did, the trust had just broke down. So easy, just like that. I
know, nothing 'bad' did happen and he wouldn't have done anything with
her. He comes from a stable family and he has a good heart. It comes
through in his conduct with everyone around him. But inside me, I feel
I've been betrayed and my heart ripped out of me. Yeah, it is a bit
excessive and my reaction to it is overblown. All my friends tell me
this. But I can't stop this restlessness inside me. It tortures me every
day and I have to consciously keep myself in check, for fear of another
anxiety attack. Too many of those and I get suicidal and depressed. I've
been there. That night's event took me there. I have managed to get back
on my feet, and these days I'm only half as bad as then, and I've been
seeing psychologists on and off. It's also a minor miracle that we are
still together working through all of this. I try and pick fights,
because I know he is scared to tell me about things that involve other
girls (even though I find out anyway - thanks social media). And I feel
like we perpetuate the dance of death over and over again. He is too
scared to be honest with me, and I'm too on edge to take it easy on him.
I just feel like no one can help me. My psychologist is treating me for
trauma (but I don't think I have any). He thinks I need to confront my
dad because it's all his fault (I can't make sense of that, I'm not
ready in any case). I can't burden my friends with this because I know
where I should be emotionally, but I'm not there. I also feel like my
fuse is running shorter and shorter. He's busy work life means little
time for us, and then he has all his social events to go to. I can see
life contributing to this r'ship's demise. A normal r'ship (without all
that trust bsh*t) is hard enough - two different people coming together
is bound to have issues. But I just feel we have a r'ship and a half on
our plates. And I know it's not fair on him, and I feel like I've
sacrificed way too much of myself, I can't find passion in life but I
haven't given up. Some days I wake up thinking it's pretty good. And
some days like today, I wake up thinking I want to give it all up, why
won't he get it, I just want him to be honest with me, why can't he do
that? And each time I feel like I'm more numb to it, and I'm scared that
one day I just won't have any feelings for him anymore and will just
leave. Or he will leave me. So I'm really unsure how to get out of this
one. And I feel tortured every day. My only solace is finding the good
days, and holding onto the memories of them. And try not to blow up.
It's so difficult, and it's a constant one step forward, two steps back.
I hate myself for putting him through it all, and somedays I just want
to leave it all just so I know he is peaceful without me. But he keeps
coming back to me. And I just find it hard to live with myself at times
for putting him through this too. The only good thing is, we both seem
hardwired not to give up easily. I have no idea. I just wish I had more
control over myself and to fix all this mess once and for all. Hey,
thanks for reading. I know it was a long winded one.
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