Stuck in a perpetuating cycle

[Substituder]

Hello,
This is about finding love and not being able to hold on to a good thing because of anxiety. Just so I don't waste your time if you are not interested.

I am trying to come to terms with my past. My dad suffers from undiagnosed bipolar (or something severe, he refuses to seek treatment) and my parents are separated. He was abusive mostly to my mum, but sometimes to me as well. So my childhood memories are mostly sad and dark. When my mother left for another country to find a better life, he used to lock me up to go see his mistress, and I would be home alone for days on end. My grandma found out and took me from his care. I think I was about 5, but I don't have good recollections of that period.

I came to Australia a few years later, but found myself struggling with life - parents are constantly arguing, theirs is violent and explosive. Sometimes when things go out of control, there is physical violence. I found it hard to make friends, concentrate on school etc. I thought there was something wrong with me. I could feel it then. I felt everything.

Then one day (many years later - I was in my mid 20's) something inside me just snapped. He had assaulted mum again and we were fearful of our lives. I tried to calmly talk to him, but he made no sense and tried to convince me what he did was ok. A few days later I called the police and an AVO was enforced. A few months later we moved out, and he moved out of the country. I have seen him twice since then, we speak rarely but are civilised when we do.

I don't hate him, I feel sorry for him actually because I know he can't control himself - and I can only imagine a person away from their children must be painful - but I don't want him in my life, he is reckless and I need to live my life and not be responsible for his consequences anymore. I thought afterwards, 'well, now I'm free to live my life!'. I found passion in life and was the happiest I had ever been.

A few years ago I met a lovely guy. We started seeing each other, I promised myself to go slow with this one (as a previous r'ship didn't go so well) and after 6 months of dating, we decided to give it a serious try. Except, I didn't feel he was 'in it'. He also said then that 'he wasn't good in r'ships' ... I didn't know what that meant.

About 8 months after I met him, he invited a female friend to a show we were going to. Just the 3 of us. He didn't introduce us - they just went into a private convo about things I didn't know. I tried my best to get involved. And it was ok. But it left a bitter taste in my mouth. I tried to brush it aside.

Then the week following, this happened: A last minute text to him, to say if it's ok if I come over for the night. He said yes but the same female friend will also be there. Alarm bells rang loudly but I still went. It turned out to be a night that would dictate everything up to this point. They were having convos I couldn't join in, I knew then for sure they had an intimate past. Being pissed off that he didn't have the decency to tell me about her was an understatement. I felt left out and let down for most of the night and to this day still feel the scars from it.

When I was sober enough to leave that night, I took my things and left (yes there were a lot of alcohol involved too). He profusely apologised the next day, briefly told me about their past (it was just as intimate as I had thought) and said 'that ship had passed and I'm the one for him now'. Maybe it was my past, but I couldn't trust him anymore. No matter what he did, the trust had just broke down. So easy, just like that.

I know, nothing 'bad' did happen and he wouldn't have done anything with her. He comes from a stable family and he has a good heart. It comes through in his conduct with everyone around him. But inside me, I feel I've been betrayed and my heart ripped out of me.

Yeah, it is a bit excessive and my reaction to it is overblown. All my friends tell me this. But I can't stop this restlessness inside me. It tortures me every day and I have to consciously keep myself in check, for fear of another anxiety attack. Too many of those and I get suicidal and depressed. I've been there. That night's event took me there. I have managed to get back on my feet, and these days I'm only half as bad as then, and I've been seeing psychologists on and off.

It's also a minor miracle that we are still together working through all of this. I try and pick fights, because I know he is scared to tell me about things that involve other girls (even though I find out anyway - thanks social media). And I feel like we perpetuate the dance of death over and over again. He is too scared to be honest with me, and I'm too on edge to take it easy on him.

I just feel like no one can help me. My psychologist is treating me for trauma (but I don't think I have any). He thinks I need to confront my dad because it's all his fault (I can't make sense of that, I'm not ready in any case). I can't burden my friends with this because I know where I should be emotionally, but I'm not there.

I also feel like my fuse is running shorter and shorter. He's busy work life means little time for us, and then he has all his social events to go to. I can see life contributing to this r'ship's demise. A normal r'ship (without all that trust bsh*t) is hard enough - two different people coming together is bound to have issues. But I just feel we have a r'ship and a half on our plates. And I know it's not fair on him, and I feel like I've sacrificed way too much of myself, I can't find passion in life but I haven't given up.

Some days I wake up thinking it's pretty good. And some days like today, I wake up thinking I want to give it all up, why won't he get it, I just want him to be honest with me, why can't he do that? And each time I feel like I'm more numb to it, and I'm scared that one day I just won't have any feelings for him anymore and will just leave. Or he will leave me.

So I'm really unsure how to get out of this one. And I feel tortured every day. My only solace is finding the good days, and holding onto the memories of them. And try not to blow up. It's so difficult, and it's a constant one step forward, two steps back.

I hate myself for putting him through it all, and somedays I just want to leave it all just so I know he is peaceful without me. But he keeps coming back to me. And I just find it hard to live with myself at times for putting him through this too.

The only good thing is, we both seem hardwired not to give up easily. I have no idea. I just wish I had more control over myself and to fix all this mess once and for all.

Hey, thanks for reading. I know it was a long winded one.

[amamas]

Hi Substituder

Thanks for sharing your story.  

I could say a few things but I'm not sure you're ready to hear them yet.

I really feel for you and all you've been through and are still going through.

The main thing I feel may help you at this stage is breathing specifically to help you relax and release a bit of that anxiety and stress.  If you google it there are heaps of ideas and different breathing techniques out there.

Take care and all the best

Cheers amamas

[Substituder]

Thanks amamas for your reply.

One of the most important things I've gotten out of therapy is to learn to breathe until the panic subsides.

I'm not great at it and most of the time it literally feels like I'm in the jungle, I've stopped running and I'm going to be attacked by that tiger. It's so frightening.

But a few nights ago I managed it somewhat. I managed to calm the panic by choosing to consciously weigh the consequences if I let myself drown in the panic moment. And I knew I couldn't do that. And I stopped shortly after.

I guess there is no secret receipe and equally no cure. This is who I am and anxiety is part of that. I need to learn to work with it, use it when I should but tuck it away when it's inappropriate and review later on.

It's a fine balance. And I don't always get it right. But it pays to be prepared.

I refuse medication and have been seeing someone on and off for a few yrs now.

[amamas]

Hey Substitiuder

Horrible anxiety is!  

If only there was a secret recipe!

I was like you completely refused meds.  My psych said something incredibly profound one day that changed my mind.  I'd love to share it with you but with my PTSD memory I have no idea what it was.

But I gave them a go and I believe they helped big time.  Helped me to cope a bit better and certainly made better progress in my therapy.

Until they didn't.

I went for a med review and coming of those meds was horrendous!!!  But so far I'm so so so much better.  No meds for now (my choice) but if I feel myself falling again I'll definately start the new ones.

I guess I wanted to ask that although to med or not to med is COMPLETELY your choice, have you considered why you don't want to try them?

Your anxiety sounds crippling!  If you read the side effects of the meds you may actually find that you are already suffering from all of them - just a thought!

cheers amamas

[Substituder]

I've never been a fan of taking medicine for anything but I did try an antidepressant and I got severe side effects so I immediately stopped. The side effects triggered my anxiety!

I then went to a psychiatrist because the CBT/Mindfulness weren't working after about 3mths of therapy. The psychiatrist then diagnosed me with BPD (?!) and about a month of listening to him describing who he thought I was, I realised it wasn't right and changed two more times after that.

I've been seeing my current one for about half of the year now and comparing to the others, this one is better. But as to effectiveness I can only know maybe a few yrs from now?

So I tend to not trust my psychs because of all of this and I wouldn't take medicine because I don't want to be another 'trial and error'.

But, in saying that, I realise that within myself there is a strength that is helping me persevere through it. And perhaps it is for this reason I want to get better without relying on medicine.

Although when I have an especially bad episode, I do feel worse. But I guess that is what happens when you are in a bad way anyway.

[Substituder]

Hi all,

I wanted to let you guys know I really appreciated your help, through it I found some comfort and as well as Lifeline helping me through the tough times.

I finally decided to leave this r'ship - I didn't realise at the time, but now I do. He has a controlling mother who walks in his shadow, so the only way he knew how to deal with her was to suppress his own feelings and bend to her ways. He doesn't believe saying no to her and she is always right in his eyes. Subsequently he doesn't know how to feel or stand up for himself.

When we fought, it was tough for me because he would stonewall me every time. And that thing with the girl, taught me he didn't respect himself or me. But it took me a long time to learn.

I finally realise that my anxieties were caused by my unsettling feelings being in this r'ship and finally left. Of course, during the r'ship I had some doubts about myself and whether to trust my feelings due to my past. But I should have trusted my feelings.

It was no wonder none of my therapies, or personal plans worked. The problem was out of my control.

I'm so glad I have learnt this lesson.

I think sometimes life gets really really hard, but turning a blind eye to your problems will just prolong it and make you worse off.

People here are brave and honest to themselves about their battles, and that is already half the battle won. The first step is to admit to having the problem.

[JessF]

It was no wonder none of my therapies, or personal plans worked. The problem was out of my control.

I'm so glad I have learnt this lesson.

Its a painful lesson but such a good one. One of the best ones I have learnt about the problems that life throws up at us. Letting go of the things over which you have no control.  Good to hear you have come such a long way.