I'm 20 and I've been reflecting on my life until now. I grew up in a
broken home which impacted me emotionally when I was a child. Likely out
of misguided intent, my parents spoiled and were more easy on my
shortcomings, especially compared to my old...
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I'm 20 and I've been reflecting on my life until now. I grew up in a
broken home which impacted me emotionally when I was a child. Likely out
of misguided intent, my parents spoiled and were more easy on my
shortcomings, especially compared to my older brother. As a result, I
grew up introverted, obese, emotionally immature, self-loathing,
terrible money spending skills, and I never bothered to find work or
work experience during high school. After graduating, I took a so-called
gap year, I say so-called because it was because I did nothing but hang
out with my friends. The year afterwards, I tried to study IT and
web-development at TAFE, but I ended up disliking a lot of the aspects
of the coursework, which included a lot of roleplaying and filming. I
understand that it's to help with soft skills, but I honestly felt like
I was doing less programming and felt like I was doing more sales rep
work. I got tired of TAFE to the point I became a dole bludger and
rarely showed up to classes, which I'm still ashamed of today. Of
course, I eventually ended up with a $3K debt to Centrelink due to my
lack of work and attendance. If I wasn't self-aware now, I'd blame it on
TAFE, but I know that my actions are my fault, and I'm grateful that I
have the privilege of having a mother who's willing to help me pay it
off. But the worst part now is that I've forgotten most of the skills
I've learnt during TAFE due to lazing around. I know dwelling on the
past all the time isn't good, but I can't help but feel all of my bad
decisions are catching up to me, I tried finding work at McDonald's, but
I rarely got any shifts and eventually quit on my second day when I
started finally getting them due to the crew trainer getting frustrated
that I didn't know everything. Later, I applied to a university for a
Diploma of IT which will start in June, but I honestly have no idea what
I truly want to do with my life and only chose the diploma because I
believe I'll get a decent job and salary. But the problem is that
because of Centrelink, I'm also scared of having a debt just for
studying, especially since the diploma will cost $35K and because of
that, I've also considered getting into a trade like plumbing as well,
but my lack of skills, anxiety and possible health issues in the future
if I do a trade long-term always make me reconsider my options. When it
comes to relationships, my relationship with my dad is strained right
now, although I care about him a lot, he remarried to a trophy wife who
I dislike and had two new kids. Due to my current circumstances, I feel
like I'm a terrible son and a disgrace to not only my dad, but my mum as
well, who I'm still close to and helps take care of me. Even though I
can blame my dad for how I ended up like this, like having to deal with
his gambling addiction in my childhood and how he used to be overly
harsh on me, I've realised that part of it is also my fault for not
putting enough effort. On the bright side, I've started exercising
around this year and have been improving physically. I've originally
started at 100kg before going to the gym and now I'm around 87 kg in
three months, which really helped me feel more confident with my body
and I have no intention of stopping. Moreover, I recently talked to my
older brother about everything, and he was very supportive and was
willing to give advice, which helped me since I'm usually very
emotionally vulnerable when I speak about these topics. Moreover, I did
apply to Kinokuniya to help do stocktake for a day on a casual rate and
managed to get the job thanks to referencing my side hustle as a eBay
seller during the phone interview. I hope that it'll be a good stepping
stone for me to be more likely accepted into jobs once studying or
whatever happens in the future comes around. I know that was a mouthful,
but I feel like I have to truly be honest when I need to find help. I
want to ask for advice from others as well, how can I fix my life? I may
be improving physically, but I can tell I'm not doing anything to
improve my life career-wise and mentally, because I don't even know
where to start at all, but I don't want to stay being a NEET and
continue doomscrolling Twitter, Reddit and YouTube forever.
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