Is my Sadness Justified?

[Mars Bars]

Hi, I'm a student in year 12 who just graduated today and what should have been a moment to reflect on the joyous pretences of life has instead conjured up dark thoughts within me as I am reminded of my suffering during school.

(Context) I was diagnosed with Autism at an early age which has significantly impacted my social skills and made me feel pretty much disconnected from society in general. I never really had any friends and just talking to people and trying to "mask" my symptoms is extremely exhausting. As a result, I feel as though an oppressive air of loneliness has surrounded me for all my years of being; isolated and out of touch with reality as if I'm on the other side of a one-way mirror.

Whilst I am introverted and do prefer my own company, the unending loneliness wearies my soul. The thought of having no one to hang with, cry with, live with, and eventually die with is a terrifying concept to me.

My sense of misplacement in society has fueled the destruction of my mental health which has caused my once respectable grades to falter which has, in turn, fueled the further destruction of my mental health giving birth to a negative feedback loop of pain, suffering and self-destruction which is eating away at me at an ever-increasing rate.

And so as I sit here, in my lowest mental state, I wonder, is my sadness justified? As I glimpse at other people's posts I feel as if my reason for being depressed isn't justifiable. Do I deserve this suffering? I know I can't help the way I was born, but my soulless existence under these unearthly pressures just isn't sustainable anymore.

My biggest fear is that now that school is over, I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life working a job I hate only to sustain an unfulfilling, and fruitless existence.

I've kind of opened the initial title question up into a big general question about coping with my inherent loneliness in life both now and in the future and its impact on my daily performance, but with respect to the following, what should I do? (P.S; I really can't afford to get my divorced parents into this, It will only make things MUCH worse). Thanks again, to anyone who read this til the end and I hope life is serving you well also.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Your story reminds me of the same age, I'm 66yo now. I had the loneliness and sadness until 26yo. Then in half an hour it all changed, I'd not be that way again.

You can read it here-  

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/30-minutes-can-change-your-life/td-p/154525

The message is clear- you do have control over your future, you might not realise it though. Your future employment might become boring- change your occupation, boring social life? Don't give up... rebound! Take up a new hobby, join a club, ot doesn't work? Try another. 

I've known couples that met at dog clubs, supermarkets, computer dating etc. 

Finally, once you become positive, you realise what you missed out on. The old saying "I felt sorry as I had no shoes until I saw a man with no feet" is apt. 

I hope I've helped. I was diagnosed with bipolar2 and dysthymia at 53yo. Dysthymia was responsible for a lifetime of sadness. So keep your GP up to date with how you feel.

TonyWK 

[Sophie_M]

Dear Mars Bars
 
Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums we are so glad that you have made you way here and had the bravery to post.  

As you can see from white knight's post, we have some beautiful support with some very helpful advice from the community here.  We just wanted to reach out and let you know that we are also here 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or via our WebChat  if you ever feel like you want to talk.  Our team who answer the phones are always ready to have a supportive and non-judgmental chat whenever you need it.
 
Thanks again for sharing. It’s a powerful and brave first step towards feeling better.
 
Regards 
 
Sophie M