Ptsd triggered after years of healing, feeling lost

[Sunflower369]

Hello, 

My story is so huge with so many parts that I don't know where or how to start... But I know I need help.  I have been in this situation and head space before, so I am terrified and feel just as lost as back then.  I experienced 2 yrs of emotional abuse from my sister in-law which came to a head at the hardest time in my life, resulting is a mental breakdown and PTSD.  I moved away and started to heal and feel more myself, only we have recently moved back and the first time I was at the place I broke, I had a panic attack and realised I hadn't fully healed as I had thought.. But then I saw her for the first time in nearly 6 yrs and Everything has come crashing back like it was yesterday.  Now I don't know what to do.  I have no emotional support.  I am fortunate to have a loving husband who has been there with me, but he doesn't fully understand and isn't good with emotional support and he just shuts down when he sees me so distressed... and professional help is unfortunately out of my financial reach.  I desperately want to heal, to be able to function without fear around my family.  

[white knight]

Hi Sunflower, welcome (love the name)

I'm glad you posted. We are peer support community Champions here, a role that you'll find we can support you with ideas based on our experience open 24/7/365 so just post and wait for one or more of us to reply.

We dont take the place of professional medical people. I understand the difficulty with affording professional help so what I suggest is to visit your GP and ask them if you can apply for 10 free visits to a professional. Such visits, going by personal experiences are truly great.

As for your issues with PTSD, breakdowns etc I suggest you read the first several posts in-

 https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/relationship-and-family-issues/disowning-relatives/m-p/587336#M5...

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/relationship-and-family-issues/how-to-defend-yourself-mentally-w...

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/relationship-and-family-issues/in-laws-the-best-approach/td-p/19...

So, you moved away and went through a "healing" process- that's a really good sign that you identified that need. You also identify that your husband hasnt got the capability to assist you with the emotional upheaval you fall into. This is very common and as you have sought help to get some support you have also gone about that very well by posting here. Those without a mental illness often have no idea how to help us as it is an invisible illness.

We often get members here that have family, in-laws or friends fall out and as we are often sensitive or we cant counter toxic people, we suffer a lot. So, if its worth anything I'll mention that I dont have contact with my mother, sister and youngest daughter. All have proven toxic, revengeful, narcissistic or they triangulate my relative to gain support and so on. I am now a very happy individual now being able to get through life much easier without the drama.

We have a saying here "be kind to yourself", keeping in contact with a person that has a large negative bearing on your anxiety isnt being kind. However you fix that is up to you. I try to say hello and goodbye as I attend a family function and not much when both are there. So even if you refuse to attend any function so as to avoid them, thats a right you have and you might have to fend off other relatives that complain, essentially that is people interfering with your rights.

I hope I've helped. Here is a couple of more posts and we do have a huge library here- just use the search function.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/anxiety/worry-worry-worry/td-p/87808

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/anxiety/anxiety-how-l-eliminated-it/td-p/183873

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/meditation-words-of-wisdom-it-helped-me-for-25-year...

Lots of homework there but worth the read. Reply anytime.

TonyWK

[therising]

Hi Sunflower369

First, I just want to say how much credit you should be giving yourself for all the hard work you've done while you've been away from such a toxic person and environment. More credit to you for having the courage to face that environment and that person again.

I've learned that when it comes to an education on self understanding, there's the theory and the practice side of things. While a lot can be good in theory, putting new found revelations and ways of thinking into practice is a whole other thing. The amount of times are plenty where I've thought something along the lines of 'When I see that person next, I'm going to say this to them... or I'm going to do this, based on a newfound sense of confidence'. Then, when I see them, it's a whole other story. I can revert back to channeling the stresser in me or a part of me that has zero self esteem and confidence. So, in theory, I can imagine using certain breathing techniques to manage my stress in seeing them, imagine over and over again exactly what I need to say to them, repeat to myself the kind of mantra that's going to lead me to emotionally detach when I see them but unless the theory or theories are ones that are actually going to work, they won't work. Back to the drawing board when it comes to theories that I am capable of putting into practice. Something important to keep in mind, when it comes to theories and practices, what may work for 90% of the population may not necessarily work for us. This can be based on a number of reasons: There may be complex trauma involved, we can't relate to the theory or practice at all, it's simply not in our nature to have it work and so on.

It's not your fault you can feel your SIL's nature. Your ability to feel it will challenge you. While you've gone off and have done so much work in the way of self understanding and self development, a mind altering and life changing amount of work, you continue to rise to challenges. While you rise, it may be in your SIL's nature to bring you down or put you down. Some of the people we meet along the way when raising our self will definitely test us preceding our graduation to next level self understanding and self development.

While you once imagined how stressful, upsetting and questionable her behaviour was, your reaction to it now may be telling you that her nature was/is far more toxic than what you imagined (bad enough to create such serious side effects).

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Sunflower369,

I have enormous empathy for you. I’ve been through what sounds like a very similar situation with my brother’s partner. I too had severe PTSD effects from her behaviour. While there had been a number of red flags, it was after my mother died (including on the actual day of her death) that her abuse escalated. She couldn’t stand my brother spending any time with me following our mother’s death as she is intensely jealous of his attention not being 100% with her at all times. She was highly aggressive and abusive to me including at mum’s funeral. Then a few weeks later she launched a massive attack on me where I just collapsed on the ground at night and couldn’t breathe and she just kept going and going at me. I was in a severe shock freeze response. I was utterly exhausted having been the sole carer of mum before her death and I had just been diagnosed with a progressive disease. I was at the most vulnerable point of my life. It’s like she was destroying the last part of me that had any hope or capacity to function. Not only did she take no responsibility for this behaviour afterwards, she tried to gaslight me a few days later by saying that my collapse response is because I have mental problems to deflect from the fact her behaviour was extremely abnormal, abusive and abhorrent.

After this point I went no contact, since the beginning of 2021. I have maintained a distant relationship with my brother but she has attempted in multiple ways to further destroy our relationship. When my brother has tried to set boundaries with her she throws a tantrum. In researching types of narcissism she falls exactly into the description of malignant narcissist. For me I have made the very strong and clear decision that no contact with her is necessary for my mental health. As she is constantly manipulating my brother and she tries turning him against me, and my brother has not had my back in this situation, I am at the beginning of further distancing from my brother.

So I understand how toxic and destructive such people can be. Have you been able to get any counselling or therapy for the situation? I found a good psychologist in 2022 and in the second session we used a trauma treatment approach called Somatic Experiencing to process the most abusive attack from my brother’s partner. After that I began to be able to breathe more normally again as I’d been getting strong attacks of struggling to breathe for 18 months at that point. The session allowed me to defend myself in ways I was unable to at the time and restore a sense of safety to my body. It was very powerfully effective and I cleared that abuse incident from my system.

While I have chosen total, permanent separation from the abusive person, I think if you can develop a strong sense of composure and self-worth you can sometimes tolerate them if absolutely necessary at, for example, a family function. But if your body continues to have severe reactions around her it may be worth considering that it just isn’t worth it. Ask yourself what you most need for the greatest well being. I kept considering whether to try to be around her but realised I would be doing that solely to make my brother happy when she is the kind of person I would normally have nothing to do with. I’ve chosen to give precedence to my own intuition, needs and preferences.

I’ve had no emotional support either and I know it can be very challenging, including in relation to extended family members, whether to discuss things with them or not, and they can feel awkward where there is a family rift. I disclosed the abusive behaviour to a couple of extended family members eventually but have felt limited in what I can say and it’s tricky as info can circulate back to the abuser leading to further abusive behaviour and manipulation. It is really only with my psychologist I have been able to be fully frank about what happened and speak completely freely about it. So it may be worth finding some therapeutic support if you haven’t already with a therapist who is a good fit for you. Often you need an experience of emotional safety and trust with someone to counter the destruction of safety and trust by the abusive person. Sometimes therapy can be a good place for restoring that safety and trust, including trust in yourself which abusive people can be very cunning at eroding.

Sending you much support. Please feel free to post whenever you feel the need for some support or encouragement.

Take good care,

Eagle Ray

[Sunflower369]

Thank you for your support and understanding!.  I am so sorry you have had to experience this also.  It is so hard when other family members don't understand and gatherings become awkward.  I have had mental health issues since my teens and unfortunately I didn't have a good experience with my last therapist.. I have been hearing about somatic and think it might be something I'd like to try, only I don't even have a gp anymore (we have moved around a lot) so I need to pluck up the courage to find a gp to ask for professional help.. I'm finding this difficult as I wont know or trust this gp and I'm supposed to just open myself up and ask for help.. I have been in this headspace before and know I need help as I don't want to get to that lowest of low point again. I'm grateful I've had the courage to post on here as the kind replies I have received really does help.

[Eagle Ray]

P.S. sorry I forgot you mentioned about not doing therapy because of the cost. As Tony mentions you can get a Mental Health Care Plan from your GP. You still usually have a gap to pay but it might make it easier. Even after the first 10 sessions in a calendar year you can get another 5 sessions with an Enhanced Primary Care Plan where the Medicare rebate is less but still helpful. If you do try therapy, make sure you feel comfortable with the therapist and that they are a good fit for you. Take care.

[Sunflower369]

Thank you for acknowledging the healing work I have already done.  I am grateful I am at a stage in my life where I can clearly see the signs of spiraling and can recognize when I need to reach out for help.. I totally agree and suffer myself with the theory vs reality.  I too go though moments of bravery thinking I'll just stick up for myself, set boundaries and not allow the abuse to affect me and then even after nearly 6 yrs of distance the first time she walked into the room, my mind and body just shut down, I froze and couldn't even look at her without trembling in fear of a confrontation.  Yet she hugged me and tried to pretend everything was ok.. I couldn't say or do anything I was just frozen to the spot. The main incident with this person happened at my husband's parents place so I already feel really uncomfortable and unsafe at their home and she arrived out of the blue without me knowing prior so I didn't have time to process seeing her again for the first time. It definitely made me realize I that I have deep trauma I need help with.

[Sunflower369]

Thank you for reaching out and replying to me.  I really appreciate the "homework" as I was stuck as to what forum threads and topics I needed to search and post in.  And thank you for letting me know that through a gp I could get some therapy without it costing me a fortune!.  

[Eagle Ray]

I just thought I’d mention that it won’t necessarily matter if you don’t know the GP well if asking for a Mental Health Care Plan. I had only recently moved to a new town and the doctors here didn’t know me. In fact the GP I asked for the plan had never seen me before. So you don’t have to open up and tell them everything. You can say you are trying to process some trauma and have post traumatic symptoms.

You may even want to do your own research to find a good psychologist first before getting the referral. That is what I did because like you I had prior bad therapy experiences and wanted to be in control of who I saw. I’d been in communication with my current psychologist who I found in a directory of somatic practitioners before I approached the GP. I had a sense that her approach aligned with me as a person. I had tried somatic approaches with a few others who weren’t the right fit, but I had positive intuition about the psychologist I work with now, including her capacity to be really present in a compassionate way.

In case it’s helpful, I can outline how we processed the most abusive incident with my brother’s partner. This was only my second session with her and it was actually Telehealth over the phone (as I didn’t even have a computer set up at the time). She got me just to tap into what my body felt it needed to do at the time of the trauma but was unable to. This was when I was lying on the side of the road, locked down and unable to  breathe and had my arm over my head to protect me. I felt the need to defend myself in the way I couldn’t at the time which took the form of me hurling a cushion into the couch on the side the abuse came from. I let out the defensive rage that could have no expression at the actual time of the abuse. My psychologist talked me through sensing and feeling into what my body needed. She was in no way telling me what to do but guiding me to sense into and direct what I needed to do. She then got me to repeat the action of hurling the cushion in slow motion. This is where the trauma memory got renegotiated and a profound healing took place. As I slowly re-enacted the defence action and faced the direction of the abuser the form of my brother’s partner turned from solid into a transparent hologram like she was dissolving. I was not consciously thinking this. My brain produced this response as my body now recognised I was establishing safety and self protection. The hologram then dissolved completely and the trauma just evaporated. I was back on that street that night but it was now a completely peaceful evening, no abuser, just the atmosphere of a peaceful night. After that, 18 months of severe tension and breathing difficulties, including the feeling of suffocation, just left me. I had a few instances of slight breathing difficulty resurface in the following weeks before my body released that all together as it fully recalibrated. This particular PTSD incident was solved rather than a repeating pattern in my nervous system. I have had various other traumas so working through them progressively, but as the body learns what safety and the capacity for self-protection is, it becomes easier and I start to self-heal from other past wounds as well.

So now if I saw my brother’s partner I would not go into a repeat shock reaction which is what would have happened prior to the trauma processing. If anything, I think a lot of strength would be felt in my body and I’d be clear and assertive in her presence. But I know that I still don’t want to be around her energy because she cannot be trusted at all and she is just such an unpleasant person totally lacking warmth, kindness and empathy. I’ve gotten stronger at consciously deciding not to have certain people in my life.

 I just thought I’d share that in case it helps having a sense of how the nervous system can heal by resolving a trapped trauma response. I found there wasn’t anything I could do with my mind alone to solve the situation. I had to start with where the trauma was in my nervous system and do what is called bottom-up processing in psychology. Top-down processing like CBT just didn’t work for me. Sometimes those more top-down approaches are only of value after the nervous system has begun to heal through a bottom-up approach.

I completely understand the reaction you had seeing your SIL, especially unexpectedly like that. Go gently with yourself and know that it’s just your body trying to protect you which is very logical and understandable given your history with her. I hope you can find some good help and support.

Best wishes,

ER