I am a bag of rabid cats all set to rip world apart...

PeterJupiter

Hi all,

Umm, this is major leap for me, I don't talk about myself to anyone very easily. I am waiting for my appointment on Wednesday (29 Jan 2025), but need to talk to anyone, anyone else. So here goes...

I am 41 years old now, living in one of, by my opinion, the most beautiful locations in the far north QLD & the world, Cairns.

My wife & I moved here for a better, more relaxed life after living in Sydney for 10 years & other major metropolises around the world, the rat race essentially.

But, the relocation and living here has been anything but wonderful...

We fight, argue, bicker about pretty much everything. And I always just give up eventually, no matter rightly or wrongly because it's just easier. Because I "always" do this, or "always" do that. We were travelling over Xmas & it all just got too much, I popped, I'd had enough, & I told her I wanted a divorce, not once, tour times over a span of 6 weeks, the most recent been a week ago.

To give some context, up until a week ago, I had been taking some herbal adrenal support supplements for the last 18 months, to manage my stress & aggressive responses, which was working, until I changed brands because I couldn't get my chosen 'working' one. The last two months I had gone from been thoughtful & loving, to 'the world is ending', 'what is the point of everything'.

So I am sure you can agree, that all things seem to be pointing to the meds... nope, off the meds, feeling normal...ish, but the realisations that this women is not a match for me, & now without my mind under the control of some 'thing' I have never been clearer.

I am asking myself questions that I did ask when I was first about to get married, but ignored, my problem is now explaining to her, outside of all the discoveries that have been in the last week about how I seem to part of a small percentage of people that ashwaghanda does not play nice with, that my feelings now, are what they have always been, but I was too much a coward & peacekeeper to admit it to myself or anyone else, that she is not & was never the one.

The fact is, in her words "always do...", or not do, this or that, so basically I am bag of rapid cats ready to rip the world apart, "I must get meds from a psychiatrist".

I am at my end, I need figure out how to just move on, as she seems to think I will 'get better' & love her again, I am only hoping that Wednesday will give me the tools I need.

This is small part of my mind, thanks for reading/listening.

PeterJupiter

So it has happened, the biggest blow up has happened, we are done, and it was her that called it.

I had my in person appointment today, and I spoke almost non-stop the entire time. The poor psychologist couldn't get a word in most of the time.

But, oh man, it was a release. I am so relieved that I feel like I am actually moving forward, I never expected such a feeling of relief.

I am already applying for apartment rentals and just have a way forward. I actually feel good.

indigo22

Hi PJ,

I'm glad you got to release all that pent up angst, you should notice a difference in your mental state now that you know which direction you are heading in.

Did your psych have any input for you that helped?

Please make sure you uncover the deeper wounds from the past with your psych so they don't have an influence on your future. No more hiding the real you, ok.

Chat to me whenever you feel like it,

indigo

PeterJupiter

Hi indigo,

Thank you, for all your advice, it has been a great help. And yes I shall reach out as needed. My next appointment is only the 11th of March, they are very busy, but I am on a waitlist, will see what happens. I will probably need lots of advice before then. I may have actually have moved out before then, hopefully.

Yeah the Psych gave some great input, that made a lot of sense and helped me feel I wasn't imagining things.

And oh yes, definitely a difference in my mental state, I feel... lighter, less burdened.

Oh course my wife is angry, and sad, and cold towards me, which is expected. I care that she moves forward but she won't have any of that, I suppose I am the scum of the earth now.

But, I am moving forward, sadly, sometimes one has to be selfish. We are taught to always consider others, but there comes a time when you have to look after number one.

Nope, no more hiding, I am who I am, and I am proud of that.

There is a long journey still ahead, but I believe this is a major milestone.

Chat soon, and thanks again

PJ

PeterJupiter

Hi indigo,

You know, just when I think I have a handle on things, my wife comes to me now and says that she still loves me, wants us to work, wants to listen to my concerns, wants to make changes, wants to understand, wishes she knew that I had an anxiety condition, that it would have changed her approach to me, that we will remove all the stresses and live a good, quality life, she is now suddenly willing to do marriage counselling or couples therapy, now why now, when I am actually moving forward, feeling positive and not before when I was spiralling and needed help, needed understanding, needed love, needed to hear "I love you" at least just once...... how the hell am I supposed to respond to that.

I told her, I cannot fix what I don't want, that I am happier with been on my own, I want to do this alone, I have not had that 'bachelor' or me time in my life to figure stuff out.

I started dating her 4 months after moving out of my parent's place, and inside a year I was married to her... so yeah, it happens to many people I suppose, but these last couple years have resulted in the exposure or hiding of so many things... I am just... lost for words really.

I was in such a good place this morning... now I am spiralling again.

I am going to see an apartment this afternoon, and still am, maybe that will give me clarity, I don't know.

Every part of me says no, do not do this, do not go backwards, move forwards, move in the direction you were heading only hours earlier... and then there is this tiny bit of doubt about whether I am doing the right thing, have I given it my all, have I tried everything, but that past, that history, that knowledge is screaming at me, DO NOT DO IT!... what am I to do?

Sad thing is, I know that I alone can only answer that question.

indigo22

Hi PJ,

You are right that only you can answer the question, but I can give you a way to find the answer from within.

To do this though, you will need to make sure you are as calm as possible.

First, you need to get out of your head, that is not where you will find the answer.

Find a quiet place where you won't be disturbed, try to clear your mind and take deep slow breaths, allow your body to relax. Do this until you no longer feel the angst and tension in your body - aim for a least 15-20 mins.

When you feel the time is right, ask yourself a question you already know the answer to (something that you know you would have a negative response to) and pay attention to the reaction of your body. Is there any constriction in your chest or your stomach? Do your muscles tense up in any part of your body? or Does everything feel calm and relaxed? Now try another question you already know the answer to (something that you know you would have a positive response to) and again pay attention to the reaction of your body. This will be your base line for how you react to things at a gut level (not at a mind level). You can try a couple of other questions if you want to be sure of the reactions you are feeling.

When you are sure you are really feeling your bodily reactions to those questions and have a good base line.

Only then should you ask yourself if you should stay in this marriage. The response you get from your body will help you with your answer. Just be sure that your mind stays out of the process.

I hope this helps. Let me know how you go.

indigo

randomxx

Hi ther pj , just read along a bit.

lndigo's got a good suggestion there , even just a walk, a long one, long enough to get to the point you start to unwind and clear properly, a nightly thing or in something else that will unwind you , swimming, anything, but out and away from the house.

l don't really expect a different answer bc your gut is already screaming it at you , but it might help you see things clearer, or something.

As far as you moving out goes if you do, maybe you could try just call it a mth or two apart, even to her , just to start , just as a stepping stone.

Hopefully , removing any pressure of the this is it thing , it's done. Even though she won't like it it doesn't have to be just done , yet . That answer can come later if needed.

Ps , was also wondering if things had gotten worse just in Cairns , bc tropo is a real thing , we both went a bit crazy up there with the heat and humility.

Anyway, just thoughts.

Good luck with everything

rx

PeterJupiter

Hi indigo,

That is an epic suggestion, I will definitely try that. I will do so as soon as possible and let you know how it goes, thank you 🙂

Regards

PJ

PeterJupiter

Hi rx,

Thank you yes, I do try walking more regularly now, just to break away, but the brain takes over a lot of the time, especially when you are left to you own thoughts. I have started listening to calm music while I walk so that it fills my mind.

And yes, I was actually thinking that a couple months at least would be good idea, since posting earlier. I am now closer to the thought of saying to her, maybe using some of the separation period to figure things out would be good.

She has not enjoyed her time in Cairns, there are many, many things she complains about, humidity and heat be one, but things like number of doctors available, time waiting for hospital procedures, but that is the difference between big city and small city... me, I have always wanted to live in a small city or town. I just love it 🙂

And I actually enjoy the heat, which is odd for me as I not a small bloke, but I absolutely love it.

I cannot do Sydney or Melbourne again, even Brisbane gets a bit chilly, so yeah, it's another thing we are at odds with.

Anyway, I am off to see and apartment rental and will use that time as well to think. Its pouring with rain at the moment but, its warm 😄

Thanks again

PJ

PeterJupiter

Hi indigo,

So, I did what you suggested, firstly if that is what meditation is, I have no idea why I have never done it before. The calm I felt was unbelievable.

Anyway, getting back to this, I did as you suggested and listened to my body. The short of it is I responded negatively to the question of staying in the marriage and positively to been on my own, at least for the time being, I also asked if I saw a future with my wife, that was inconclusive.

So, the decision I have taken is to move out, but I did follow the suggestion of randomxx to say it is for now, that this does not mean we are done done, that I need to find myself, and see what the future holds.

My wife was obviously disappointed, hurt even, but said she understood. I also told her that I whatever happens in the future, for me, going back to Sydney would be very, very difficult to choose. She then said to me that even though I say that we aren't done, saying that I won't go back to Sydney, means we are done. And I have to admit, she is not wrong.

Here is where the major issue is causing my body more pain and discomfort than anything else, I am racked with guilt, guilt that I am looking out for myself only. I suppose this is normal, but it feels horrible.

The reason I am feeling like this, is my wife effectively retired coming to Cairns as her industry is limited to a very small scope and she is(was) very high up the food chain in the work world. She now has to find a job and been out of things for a while it is putting her at an immense disadvantage, and she has no option but to move back to Sydney, but that requires a job, which requires accommodation, which requires a job.

I can see the hurt and pain in her eyes every time I look at her, it's just that I am struggling to reconcile my decision and the impact it is having on her.

My guilt is now, just in these few hours since the discussion late last night, is eating me alive.

I literally do not know what to do, and the more I think, the sicker I feel, not anxious, sick to my core.

Any advice or guidance would be... helpful.

Thanks

PJ

indigo22

Hi PJ,

Firstly, yes that is a form of meditation, there are many forms and if you found it beneficial, keep doing it on a daily basis as it's effect is cumulative and will have long term benefits.

I understand the guilt feelings, that is to be expected in a situation like this, but if you are ever going to live the life you are meant to be living, you need to put your needs first. Unless you want to continue spiralling. The main reason you feel the way you do is that we are brainwashed from a young age to put everyone else's need ahead of our own. It is not selfish to have enough self love to choose to be happy. Remember that this is a choice and whatever you choose will have an effect be it positive or negative. We talked about questionable choices early on, so my advice is to question everything about this situation so you make an informed choice that is right for you, not a choice that is right for someone else, whoever that someone else may be. This is a life lesson taking place in the present moment and you are being asked to learn something. Figure out what that might be.

From my perspective of our conversations so far, you have put your wife's needs ahead of your own for a long time and it has brought you to the point you are at now. The thing that stood out to me in one of your latest posts is that your wife said she didn't know you were dealing with anxiety, I don't understand how anyone can live with someone for 13 years and not be aware of that, at least at some level.

I left my husband many many years ago so I know it is not easy. I also put his needs ahead of my own, part of my upbringing, but in the end that relationship did a lot of damage to my mental health that was already in a bad state before we got together. At first I said that I needed a break for a while, but despite being advised by friends to let me have that time to sort things out, he would not leave me alone for more than 2 weeks before he started pressuring me. I ended it at that point and yes it was painful because you go through a grieving process similar to when someone dies. I had to start over too. I tried to remain friends with him over the years but realised about 15 years ago that he had learned nothing from our break up. He remarried and didn't learn anything from that either when it ended. So I had to let it go, after about 25 years of trying, I effectively ran out of patience.

At the end of the day, your wife has family to support her through this, you do not. I think you said your wife's sister had offered to put her up for a while, that is probably the best solution for her to find work and eventually get a place of her own. But the fact is, that is not your problem to sort out.

I hope this helps to some degree,

indigo