I am a bag of rabid cats all set to rip world apart...

[PeterJupiter]

Hi all,

Umm, this is major leap for me, I don't talk about myself to anyone very easily. I am waiting for my appointment on Wednesday (29 Jan 2025), but need to talk to anyone, anyone else. So here goes...

I am 41 years old now, living in one of, by my opinion, the most beautiful locations in the far north QLD & the world, Cairns.

My wife & I moved here for a better, more relaxed life after living in Sydney for 10 years & other major metropolises around the world, the rat race essentially.

But, the relocation and living here has been anything but wonderful...

We fight, argue, bicker about pretty much everything. And I always just give up eventually, no matter rightly or wrongly because it's just easier. Because I "always" do this, or "always" do that. We were travelling over Xmas & it all just got too much, I popped, I'd had enough, & I told her I wanted a divorce, not once, tour times over a span of 6 weeks, the most recent been a week ago.

To give some context, up until a week ago, I had been taking some herbal adrenal support supplements for the last 18 months, to manage my stress & aggressive responses, which was working, until I changed brands because I couldn't get my chosen 'working' one. The last two months I had gone from been thoughtful & loving, to 'the world is ending', 'what is the point of everything'.

So I am sure you can agree, that all things seem to be pointing to the meds... nope, off the meds, feeling normal...ish, but the realisations that this women is not a match for me, & now without my mind under the control of some 'thing' I have never been clearer.

I am asking myself questions that I did ask when I was first about to get married, but ignored, my problem is now explaining to her, outside of all the discoveries that have been in the last week about how I seem to part of a small percentage of people that ashwaghanda does not play nice with, that my feelings now, are what they have always been, but I was too much a coward & peacekeeper to admit it to myself or anyone else, that she is not & was never the one.

The fact is, in her words "always do...", or not do, this or that, so basically I am bag of rapid cats ready to rip the world apart, "I must get meds from a psychiatrist".

I am at my end, I need figure out how to just move on, as she seems to think I will 'get better' & love her again, I am only hoping that Wednesday will give me the tools I need.

This is small part of my mind, thanks for reading/listening.

[PeterJupiter]

So it has happened, the biggest blow up has happened, we are done, and it was her that called it.

I had my in person appointment today, and I spoke almost non-stop the entire time. The poor psychologist couldn't get a word in most of the time.

But, oh man, it was a release. I am so relieved that I feel like I am actually moving forward, I never expected such a feeling of relief.

I am already applying for apartment rentals and just have a way forward. I actually feel good.

[indigo22]

Hi PJ,

I'm glad you got to release all that pent up angst, you should notice a difference in your mental state now that you know which direction you are heading in.

Did your psych have any input for you that helped? 

Please make sure you uncover the deeper wounds from the past with your psych so they don't have an influence on your future. No more hiding the real you, ok.

Chat to me whenever you feel like it,

indigo

[PeterJupiter]

Hi indigo,

Thank you, for all your advice, it has been a great help.  And yes I shall reach out as needed. My next appointment is only the 11th of March, they are very busy, but I am on a waitlist, will see what happens.  I will probably need lots of advice before then.  I may have actually have moved out before then, hopefully.

Yeah the Psych gave some great input, that made a lot of sense and helped me feel I wasn't imagining things.

And oh yes, definitely a difference in my mental state, I feel... lighter, less burdened.

Oh course my wife is angry, and sad, and cold towards me, which is expected. I care that she moves forward but she won't have any of that, I suppose I am the scum of the earth now.

But, I am moving forward, sadly, sometimes one has to be selfish. We are taught to always consider others, but there comes a time when you have to look after number one.

Nope, no more hiding, I am who I am, and I am proud of that.

There is a long journey still ahead, but I believe this is a major milestone.

Chat soon, and thanks again

PJ

[PeterJupiter]

Hi indigo, 

You know, just when I think I have a handle on things, my wife comes to me now and says that she still loves me, wants us to work, wants to listen to my concerns, wants to make changes, wants to understand, wishes she knew that I had an anxiety condition, that it would have changed her approach to me, that we will remove all the stresses and live a good, quality life, she is now suddenly willing to do marriage counselling or couples therapy, now why now, when I am actually moving forward, feeling positive and not before when I was spiralling and needed help, needed understanding, needed love, needed to hear "I love you" at least just once...... how the hell am I supposed to respond to that.

I told her, I cannot fix what I don't want, that I am happier with been on my own, I want to do this alone, I have not had that 'bachelor' or me time in my life to figure stuff out.

I started dating her 4 months after moving out of my parent's place, and inside a year I was married to her... so yeah, it happens to many people I suppose, but these last couple years have resulted in the exposure or hiding of so many things... I am just... lost for words really.

I was in such a good place this morning... now I am spiralling again.

I am going to see an apartment this afternoon, and still am, maybe that will give me clarity, I don't know.

Every part of me says no, do not do this, do not go backwards, move forwards, move in the direction you were heading only hours earlier... and then there is this tiny bit of doubt about whether I am doing the right thing, have I given it my all, have I tried everything, but that past, that history, that knowledge is screaming at me, DO NOT DO IT!... what am I to do?

Sad thing is, I know that I alone can only answer that question.

[indigo22]

Hi PJ,

You are right that only you can answer the question, but I can give you a way to find the answer from within.

To do this though, you will need to make sure you are as calm as possible.

First, you need to get out of your head, that is not where you will find the answer.

Find a quiet place where you won't be disturbed, try to clear your mind and take deep slow breaths, allow your body to relax. Do this until you no longer feel the angst and tension in your body - aim for a least 15-20 mins.

When you feel the time is right, ask yourself a question you already know the answer to (something that you know you would have a negative response to) and pay attention to the reaction of your body. Is there any constriction in your chest or your stomach? Do your muscles tense up in any part of your body? or Does everything feel calm and relaxed? Now try another question you already know the answer to (something that you know you would have a positive response to) and again pay attention to the reaction of your body. This will be your base line for how you react to things at a gut level (not at a mind level). You can try a couple of other questions if you want to be sure of the reactions you are feeling.

When you are sure you are really feeling your bodily reactions to those questions and have a good base line.

Only then should you ask yourself if you should stay in this marriage. The response you get from your body will help you with your answer. Just be sure that your mind stays out of the process.

I hope this helps. Let me know how you go.

indigo

[randomxx]

Hi ther pj , just read along a bit.

lndigo's got a good suggestion there , even just a walk, a long one, long enough to get to the point you start to unwind and clear properly, a nightly thing or in something else that will unwind you , swimming, anything, but out and away from the house.

l don't really expect a different answer bc your gut is already screaming it at you , but it might help you see things clearer, or something.

As far as you moving out goes if you do, maybe you could try just call it a mth or two apart, even to her , just to start , just as a stepping stone.

Hopefully , removing any pressure of the this is it thing , it's done. Even though she won't like it it doesn't have to be just done , yet . That answer can come later if needed.

Ps , was also wondering if things had gotten worse just in Cairns , bc tropo is a real thing , we both went a bit crazy up there with the heat and humility.

Anyway, just thoughts.

Good luck with everything

rx

[PeterJupiter]

Hi indigo,

That is an epic suggestion, I will definitely try that.  I will do so as soon as possible and let you know how it goes, thank you 🙂

Regards

PJ

[PeterJupiter]

Hi rx,

Thank you yes, I do try walking more regularly now, just to break away, but the brain takes over a lot of the time, especially when you are left to you own thoughts.  I have started listening to calm music while I walk so that it fills my mind.

And yes, I was actually thinking that a couple months at least would be good idea, since posting earlier.  I am now closer to the thought of saying to her, maybe using some of the separation period to figure things out would be good.

She has not enjoyed her time in Cairns, there are many, many things she complains about, humidity and heat be one, but things like number of doctors available, time waiting for hospital procedures, but that is the difference between big city and small city... me, I have always wanted to live in a small city or town.  I just love it 🙂

And I actually enjoy the heat, which is odd for me as I not a small bloke, but I absolutely love it.  

I cannot do Sydney or Melbourne again, even Brisbane gets a bit chilly, so yeah, it's another thing we are at odds with.

Anyway, I am off to see and apartment rental and will use that time as well to think.  Its pouring with rain at the moment but, its warm 😄

Thanks again

PJ