I am a bag of rabid cats all set to rip world apart...

[PeterJupiter]

Hi all,

Umm, this is major leap for me, I don't talk about myself to anyone very easily. I am waiting for my appointment on Wednesday (29 Jan 2025), but need to talk to anyone, anyone else. So here goes...

I am 41 years old now, living in one of, by my opinion, the most beautiful locations in the far north QLD & the world, Cairns.

My wife & I moved here for a better, more relaxed life after living in Sydney for 10 years & other major metropolises around the world, the rat race essentially.

But, the relocation and living here has been anything but wonderful...

We fight, argue, bicker about pretty much everything. And I always just give up eventually, no matter rightly or wrongly because it's just easier. Because I "always" do this, or "always" do that. We were travelling over Xmas & it all just got too much, I popped, I'd had enough, & I told her I wanted a divorce, not once, tour times over a span of 6 weeks, the most recent been a week ago.

To give some context, up until a week ago, I had been taking some herbal adrenal support supplements for the last 18 months, to manage my stress & aggressive responses, which was working, until I changed brands because I couldn't get my chosen 'working' one. The last two months I had gone from been thoughtful & loving, to 'the world is ending', 'what is the point of everything'.

So I am sure you can agree, that all things seem to be pointing to the meds... nope, off the meds, feeling normal...ish, but the realisations that this women is not a match for me, & now without my mind under the control of some 'thing' I have never been clearer.

I am asking myself questions that I did ask when I was first about to get married, but ignored, my problem is now explaining to her, outside of all the discoveries that have been in the last week about how I seem to part of a small percentage of people that ashwaghanda does not play nice with, that my feelings now, are what they have always been, but I was too much a coward & peacekeeper to admit it to myself or anyone else, that she is not & was never the one.

The fact is, in her words "always do...", or not do, this or that, so basically I am bag of rapid cats ready to rip the world apart, "I must get meds from a psychiatrist".

I am at my end, I need figure out how to just move on, as she seems to think I will 'get better' & love her again, I am only hoping that Wednesday will give me the tools I need.

This is small part of my mind, thanks for reading/listening.

[PeterJupiter]

Hi indigo, 

Thank you, that response is exactly what I needed.

I must say, I feel for you and the troubles you have had in your past and I thank you for imparting your experiences upon me.  Reading your response was enlightening, one never really gives thought to the fact that we are never really alone, there is always someone that is willing to listen to you, hear you and understand you and provide heartfelt support that many lack ability to provide, so thank you.

You are so right, the questions I have always asked were not about what I wanted, it was always about what the person or people wanted. I haven't got nearly enough fingers and toes, so to speak, to count the number of times I have done something I didn't want to do, because it was easier to be a doormat and just appease others.

Yes, your perspective is correct, I have always put the needs of others, especially my wife's, ahead of mine in every aspect of my life. While necessary to work over a weekend because my job requires it in some cases, even though I don't want to, but when it comes to my personal life, I agree, should not have to be the one compromising and even sacrificing myself every time.

Her exact words to me were, "If I had known you had struggled with anxiety, I would not have treated you the way I did when you were panicking about the cyclone and how was going to affect your 40th and our holiday.". 

Sure, I didn't even realise I was struggling with the condition, only now has this been realised, maybe in part of not understanding or acknowledging, but the thing is she has a cousin, that is bipolar, and knew about symptoms and signs of anxiety and depression etc., from an early age, so I agree with you, it seems strange that there was no thought or consideration of it.

Honestly, I think I have struggled for probably most of my life, the more I think about it, the deeper I delve into my memory of incidents and events for as far back as I can remember, it seems it could have started in my teens, or earlier, I don't know.  I am self-diagnosing here, but I am sort of seeing the same patterns.  But, not going to delve further into that rabbit hole, I will leave that for the psych.

Again, to read about your struggles, its... I am struggling to find the words... it has helped me understand that this is not me been stupid, and looking after myself, is a good thing, however it may hurt.

I have told her several times; she needs to talk to her sister and get her to assist in whatever way she needs.  I am not sure if I mentioned it, but after my wife had told her sister and then we discovered the meds may be causing things (which I have since debunked, as I believe the latest batch did not cause it, but rather were not actually working and I told my wife this), they fought because my wife wanted to give us a chance, give me a chance to love her again, and they have not spoken since.  Reason is, my sister-in-law is a self-confessed man hater, I was always on the borderline with her. I don't believe I have ever done anything to deserve that association, but whatever.  I am hoping they reconcile, and my wife gets the support she needs.

Oh, here is a funny thing as well, my wife said something in the same conversation last night, when I spoke about how she had been on her own for 9 years when I met her and I had only been on my own for 4 months, had barely done the whole bachelor stint, before we started dating 6 months after that, and she said that she was a man-hater too... um ok. I never knew that, yes, she had had a bad previous break-up, but that statement was... odd for me to hear.

I agree with your point about the grieving process, it does seem feel that way, and I imagine its going to get a lot worse.  I am sure will pull through, especially with the support here and the psych, I just keep telling myself to look to the future.

Very true, it is not my problem to sort out, she needs to seek the assistance she needs.  As I have learnt very recently, there is no shortage of that.

Your response has helped massively, thank you again.

PJ

[indigo22]

Hi PJ,

I'm glad it helped you and hope you feel more settled soon.

I will keep this short today as I am seriously fatigued from an unusually busy week, but will write again soon.

I think it only fair that you know a little more about me also, so if you are interested in reading a short outline of my life experiences, the link below is to my first post on the forums.

I hope you can find some calm time over the weekend,

indigo

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/welcome-and-orientation/new-to-the-forums/td-p/566648

[PeterJupiter]

Hi indigo,

Thank you for the link, I have read and do understand more about your struggles and commend you on your successes.

For me, this weekend has been anything but calm, I am finding it horribly difficult to deal with been in the same house, playing the waiting game of finding an apartment.

We are having civil conversations but I find myself still calling her by her pet names every now and then, and I am sure it hurts like hell for her, as it does for me. It's this automatic response and I think that makes it worse and because it is automatic, it feels fake, without thought and I am sure she is aware of that. I certainly am.

She says to me yesterday that I mustn't rush to move out as I will incur additional costs with the mortgage and the rent while the house is still been sold.  I hear the logic, but I cannot process the idea of staying in the same house longer than I have to. It's a 1 bedroom apartment so we are always in very close proximity.

She is going to move back to Sydney, but she needs a job first. I cannot fathom waiting for that to happen. And then if she hasn't moved by the time sale happens, when it happens as it could very well be months, then what. Again, not my problem, but still is my problem, but I am always just lost in my thoughts.

And to top it off, she is not going to ask her sister for help... in her words "...she would own me if I did...".

There is worse thing going in my head... there is a whisper in the back of my head, saying just give it up, tell her you 'love' her, fake it till you make it, it's just less painful. I am hating myself for it.  It's like I am screaming at myself in the mirror, and expecting the mirror to respond logically.

It's becoming more and more difficult every day.

Thanks for listening 

PJ

[PeterJupiter]

My weekend has just gone to hell!

And so has my mind, my calm, my small smattering of stability, everything.

I came out of the hot shower, my heart racing and stress through the roof, I sit on the bed to cool down and breathe, I do some breathing exercises which brings my heartrate down but does nothing for my stress. Anyway, I am talking to her about it and she moves up to me and says "what if I affect your heart rate". Long story short she tells me "I am horny and I built up the courage to tell you when you came out of the shower" and "it's not to change your mind, I still love you" after I ask her what about the current situation we are in, I would be taking advantage. Nine years, including a year of not telling me that she loves me, and now this!!!!!

Maybe if I was a lessor man I would have jumped her right there but, I am lost for words, just lost.

[PeterJupiter]

I balled me eyes out, I don't know what to do any more. She apologized for upsetting me, but, I cannot reconcile this. She said if this is what is best for me I must do it, I said I ha ve no idea what is best anymore. I asked her, after all that has happened how could she even be wanting me, she says it is because she loves me. I said, but we have fought almost every day about stupid things. She responds saying that was the previous her, if she knew I was struggling so much she wouldn't have fought about those stupid things.

I just don't know what to do, I walked out of the apartment, she begged me not to do anything rash, not to run away, she doesn't want anything to happen to me. I told her I just need to think, nothing more.

[indigo22]

Hi PJ,

Sorry I wasn't able to get back to you sooner, it sounds like you have been on an emotional rollercoaster for the last couple of days.

Your wife is being quite manipulative at present, but I can't quite work out if it is because she loves you or because she doesn't want her life to change, which it definitely will if you leave. 

It is sounding to me a lot like the old saying "you don't know what you've got until it's gone".

I am not sure how to advise you on this, but I would suggest going back to the beginning of this thread and read through everything we have talked about so far. Doing so may help to settle the confusion you are feeling at present.

Do you know anyone at all there who you might be able to stay with for a short while to figure things out?

Let me know what your current thoughts are.

I hope you are having a better day,

indigo

[PeterJupiter]

Hi indigo,

Yes it has been and it isn't stopping. After I walked out, I sat around in the building gym for about an hour (apparently noone wants to exercise on a Sunday afternoon lol), just thinking and at times watching cat videos on YouTube, it was the only thing that could break my spirals.

I eventually messaged my psych and she called me back, I disrupted her Sunday afternoon for 15 minutes, but it helped, a little, they had a cancellation and I now have an appointment for tomorrow morning 9am, so that should hopefully give me the opportunity to sort some of these thoughts out.

Everytime I look at my wife I can see the pain, the anguish and it rips me to shreds.

Agreed, I does feel like that saying, exactly that.

There is noone else, I haven't had time or the gumption really, to setup a friends network here in Cairns, I want to change that though. Even if it means knocking on some neighbours doors.

I just keep applying for rentals and hope something pans out, just... so many emotions, so much turmoil and no idea what is the right thing to do.

It's easy to say you want the separation but damn it is hell on earth to action it.

I decided to eat alone tonight whereas last night I ate with her. I want to be civil but doing so gives hope I think, hope for something I am just not wanting.  And my decision to eat alone tonight was met with "what did I do wrong now". I actually just feel like I wish I could vanish, or go back in time and just not meet her.

I just don't know...

I will let you know what transpires after the appointment tomorrow.

Thanks again for listening

PJ

[PeterJupiter]

Hi indigo,

I have spent the better part of the last two days processing the session yesterday, and I am still in lost state of mind. 

Sadly no answers other than my own wants. I finally discussed things again with my wife last night, and the long and short of it is that she said to me "...I deserve to know why you don't want to give us another chance...".

The answer is as it was before, I am tired and don't want to, I don't have the energy to try anymore. And of course, all the other questions then, was the whole marriage a lie, did you never truly love me, etc etc etc.

My heart says, I'm out, my brain laden with guilt, says "You are a dirtbag and you are destroying this marriage and this woman, for what, something that you may not find?".

Lost doesn't begin to describe my feelings. 

There is not much more I can say about the subject, I really don't even know if the psych is going to make a difference, 50 minutes goes fast and it feels worse when I truly believe nothing has changed except for getting more and more guilty everytime I look at my wife. 

I think I am broken, just broken.

PJ

[indigo22]

Hi PJ,

I am sorry you don't feel any clearer after your therapy session.

I am feeling the need to be very straight with you about what I am seeing, if I am wrong, I apologise.

Your wife said "...I deserve to know why you don't want to give us another chance...". (and she does deserve to know why)

You reply honestly with "I am tired and don't want to, I don't have the energy to try anymore". (you have given her the answer to her question)

What happens after that is the same person you have been living with all these years who tries to 'guilt' you into backing down, asking for forgiveness and saying you will try harder. This is a quote from one of your previous posts  "She responds saying that was the previous her, if she knew I was struggling so much she wouldn't have fought about those stupid things". Nothing is any different from what it was before. People don't just change overnight. You are just so used to allowing yourself to feel guilty about anything that gets uncomfortable and burying your true feelings. That is what you are dealing with now. You have a choice wether to feel that way or not, but only you can decide and the longer it takes you to decide, the longer you will be in turmoil over it.

I am not sure what else I can say to you.

You need to find some peace one way or the other,

indigo

[PeterJupiter]

Hi indigo,

Thank you, I appreciate the 'tough love' from you, and you are spot on.

I know, already knew, all of what you just said, maybe hearing it from an outside source is the trick, maybe, I don't know.

But, I know that they I need to pick a path and stick to it. I know this has gone on long enough, I know what I truly want in life and why, and that's that.

Noone but me, can make me happy. Today I got some good news, there is a buyer that may be putting in an offer soon for the apartment, as soon as that does happen I need to have made my final decision, and know in my heart which way I want to go, it's gonna hurt, but going out on my own is the path I want to take. 

I need a new start. 

The thing I haven't asked my wife, and I should, is this, her new self, this one that is going to watch out for everything she does or says, is that not exactly what I have been doing for at least the last year...

That doesn't sound like a compromise on been considerate, it sounds like another muzzle, just the opposite way round and, in my opinion, eventually that is going to blow up too.

I do think it is time for my wife and I to part ways and we both move on, as difficult and as painful as that will be, it's better for both of us.

Thanks again for listening, I will let you know how things proceed in the coming days/weeks. 

Thanks

PJ