A dilemma about treatment
- replies: 4
A year and a half ago I first began to show signs of having major depression. It was several months after I had begun university and the shock of moving away from my family had begun to set in. For a while I tried to deal with it on my own, and ended... View more
A year and a half ago I first began to show signs of having major depression. It was several months after I had begun university and the shock of moving away from my family had begun to set in. For a while I tried to deal with it on my own, and ended up driving my girlfriend - the only person helping me at the time - to break up with me. In a way this was good, because it allowed me to realize just how much I needed to change things in my life. I went on antidepressants and started seeing a therapist, and signed up for clubs in my university which provided me with some acquaintances etc. to lessen the loneliness. At present I am much better than I was, but I am sort of suspended in the mild-moderate area and feel unable to break free completely of my depression, which is frustrating. I am continually tired and lonely and feel as if the few people who are around me are mostly uninterested in me. Part of the problem is that I see myself as an eccentric, and have a constant sense that I am bound to be lonely because of my difficulty relating with other students. For one, I am an American in a foreign country (Australia), and to compound that I have niche interests (literature, philosophy, current affairs) which do not lend themselves to small talk and light humor. My current therapist is good, quite good compared to what I've had before. She is sympathetic, a good listener, great at switching angles and bending to my arguments rather than butting up against them. My issue is that, first of all, she is rather beautiful, and because she is so caring I have slowly grown attached to her. Most of the time I stifle it well, but on some weeks my attraction resurfaces and I will refrain from telling her things, especially in connection to relationships and women. This is bad, since I think relationships and women make up a large part of why I am still depressed. The second problem is that, while extremely clever in her way, she is somewhat practical and less able to talk about abstract ideas with me; this is only important because I believe that my worldview is at least in part causing my mental issues to go on. Without going into too much detail, I feel that my materialism (the view that everything has physical causes, including consciousness and mental states) feeds into the depression because of the logical conclusions which follow from it. My question is one, should I go on with her, and two, how might I break through this stage and complete my recovery?
