A dilemma about treatment

[Nebulous]

A year and a half ago I first began to show signs of having major depression. It was several months after I had begun university and the shock of moving away from my family had begun to set in. For a while I tried to deal with it on my own, and ended up driving my girlfriend - the only person helping me at the time - to break up with me. In a way this was good, because it allowed me to realize just how much I needed to change things in my life. I went on antidepressants and started seeing a therapist, and signed up for clubs in my university which provided me with some acquaintances etc. to lessen the loneliness. At present I am much better than I was, but I am sort of suspended in the mild-moderate area and feel unable to break free completely of my depression, which is frustrating. I am continually tired and lonely and feel as if the few people who are around me are mostly uninterested in me. Part of the problem is that I see myself as an eccentric, and have a constant sense that I am bound to be lonely because of my difficulty relating with other students. For one, I am an American in a foreign country (Australia), and to compound that I have niche interests (literature, philosophy, current affairs) which do not lend themselves to small talk and light humor.

My current therapist is good, quite good compared to what I've had before. She is sympathetic, a good listener, great at switching angles and bending to my arguments rather than butting up against them. My issue is that, first of all, she is rather beautiful, and because she is so caring I have slowly grown attached to her. Most of the time I stifle it well, but on some weeks my attraction resurfaces and I will refrain from telling her things, especially in connection to relationships and women. This is bad, since I think relationships and women make up a large part of why I am still depressed. The second problem is that, while extremely clever in her way, she is somewhat practical and less able to talk about abstract ideas with me; this is only important because I believe that my worldview is at least in part causing my mental issues to go on. Without going into too much detail, I feel that my materialism (the view that everything has physical causes, including consciousness and mental states) feeds into the depression because of the logical conclusions which follow from it.

My question is one, should I go on with her, and two, how might I break through this stage and complete my recovery?

[geoff]

hello Nebulous, an interesting comment, but I'm sure this could happen more times than you think, because she listens, avoids any difficult decisions that may create an argument and you find her very good as well as being rather beautiful, whether this is because she looks attractive or whether she is good company and understandable, doesn't really matter I don't think, however she would know that it is illegal for her to have any sort of relatonship with a patient, and if she is caught out then she may lose her licence.
How many times do we talk to someone, anyone, and instantly fall in love with them, I would think a great percentage of times, but they might be in a relationship or perhaps married which could make it impossible to hook up with them, much to our sadness, but this doesn't stop our crush we have on them.
If you find her to be very helpful and you can focus on her treatment then you could stay with her, because what's saying that if you get someone else that you don't fall in love with them as well.
You could discuss this with her and be open about it, then your decision could be made on the spot, where she may say that she is not allowed to have any relationship with a patient, and if she says this, how would you feel. Geoff. x

[Nebulous]

Thanks for the thoughtful reply Geoff,

I am under no illusions that we could end up seeing each other, of course. I understand the ethical implications and don't think she would ever be likely to violate her principles or jeopardize her career. I just wonder if someone so attractive to me (it is both physically and personality-driven) is viable for me to be seeing in the long term. I should clarify that she is a masters student and under supervision by the university for her work, so her inexperience factors into this as well. So right now I face the following problems: I am withholding things from her because of my attraction, she is unable to grasp certain important issues (existential questions etc.), I look forward to our sessions too much and invest my emotions in her rather than actual friends, and I idealize her romantically. I have already mentioned to her that I am developing feelings for her, admitting that they were silly and deluded, and she congratulated me for my bravery in telling her etc. etc. Now it just remains for me to decide whether to go on with her. I am on a meager student budget and the cost of sessions is not easy to manage, so this is not a straightforward decision.

I am not sure if I have explained this well enough, but I would be happy to hear your thoughts. Thanks again to you and the community for the devoted work you all put in :). You guys are doing really important work here.

Jordan

[Cornstarch]

Hey Jordan,

I was about to give up on clinical psychologists. Shopping around was absolutely exhausting. I was done. Spent. Just because someone studies for 6 years does not mean they are good at their job.

I'm a deep thinker like you.

At times, it irritates the absolute crap out of my family.

A little bit of star dust here and there, just cos' we're the same gene pool doesn't mean we're identical.

I have a very academic bloodline.

So, just when I was in the depths of my pain and despair I find a great clinical psychologist......I walk in, planning to walk out before it's even begun........and she's bloody gorgeous, beautiful to boot!

I had to laugh.

That will teach me.

[Nebulous]

It seems we have experienced similar things!

By way of an update, I have moved away from the therapist, partially because I am in a better spot than I was when I posted this. I am still very lonely but at least able to function on my own, which I definitely wasn't then. And I think I am set on changing psychologists, as someone has recommended me a quite good one who is smart and apparently able to handle themself with the subjects I mentioned.

If you don't mind me asking, what is your and your family's background, academically speaking? I am studying history and english at University of Sydney and read philosophy recreationally. Given your personality, do you feel that too much thinking feeds into depression, and if so how have you dealt with that problem?

Thanks again,

Jordan