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Loving someone with depression, how to manage it?

DianeB
Community Member

Hi,

I've been going out with my boyfriend who has depression for 7 months. He has been depressed for 10 years.

It's the first time that I met someone with depression, so I don't know how to manage the bad times.

Our relationship was great for the first 4 months. I understood that he doesn't like feelings/emotions and doesn't like talking about it, he doesn't really know what love is so he will not tell me he loves me. But I could see that he did have feelings for me at some stage, I could see it through little things.

After the 4 months, I was away for work for 5 weeks, and since things have changed a little bit. He is more distant and cold with me, his feelings seems to be gone. We talked about it yesterday and he said at the moment he don't want to see anybody, he just want to be alone.

He said that yes he had feelings for me few months ago, but that he can't manage feelings and emotions and it became too difficult for him. I imagine that's why things have changed since.

I would like to know what to do when he says that he doesn't want to see anybody, me included (not even text messages, nothing). Should I respect his choice and leave him alone or should I visit him/text him a little bit?  Because I know he says that because he's very depressed at the moment

About his feelings issue, how can I manage that? Would he let his feelings come back and grow?

I'm a bit lost, I don't know what to do. Hearing all this has broken my heart. But I love him, he's a very nice person, I don't want to give up, I know it's because of his depression.

4 Replies 4

Chris_B
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Diane, welcome to the forums.  You should find a number of threads in this section on similar themes, do have a read through while you're waiting for a response from our members.

Being pushed away by a loved one is also a common theme, here are some threads to start you off:

He pushes us away - how do I help?

Pushing friends and loved ones away

I have pushed my husband away

Husband depressed says he wants to leave advice please!

Loving someone with depression when you're not sure they love you

I pushed my husband away

 


Carmela
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi DianeB,

Welcome to BeyondBlue. The treads that Chris has provided are definitely worth a read as they provide some valuable advice from people in similar situations.

It is very difficult to help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.  It is a delicate balance of supporting our partner and then giving them the space
they need.  The best advice l can give you,
which l have used myself - is to let him know that you love him, provide support and be there when he needs it. The more you push, the further they pull away, so a gentle approach I find is best.  

Is he seeking any help at all? If not l would gently encourage him to get support from a health professional. His local GP would be a good start.

Please make sure you take good care of yourself.  Ongoing worry and concern can lead to a partners downward spiral. 

DianeB
Community Member

Hi Carmela,

Thanks for your advice, I won't push him.

I'd like to do the best I can to take care of him, but we don't leave together. He doesn't want to see me and talk to me so I don't have any idea of how he is going at the moment. He knows that he can call me at any time, so I patiently wait for his call. I don't know how long he will stay distant for. But he lives with housemates, so I hope that they keep an eye on him.

DianeB
Community Member
Thanks Chris!