How to help and support my 20y old son through deep social anxiety, self-hatred and depression

valanne · ‎25-02-2018

Hi, my son, aged 20, has been suffering from social anxiety and depression for over 2 years, probably a lot longer in a not-so-obvious way. Since finishing his HSC he has cut himself off from all his friends, dropped out of uni 3 weeks into a course, and has been increasingly living a reclusive life eve since. After working night shifts at McDonald's so he could sleep during the day, hide or justify his antisocial behaviours, most of last year, and going to leave in a remote country town by himself with the hope and good will to 'sort himself out' and understand his existential and identity crisis and overcome his depression, he came back home last September, to my relief, and was very welcome back by both his father and myself ( we have been separated fo a few years). After spending a month or so with his father and trying to discuss and unravel with him the roots of his deep malaise and antisocial behaviours, as well as the effects of his father's over protective and controlling parenting over his development and mental health, which ended up in one too many arguments, he has been living with me since October, and had cut off all communication with his father. Small talks with me on how he feels and why keep him going as I am the only person he ever talks to... though this is on the decline as he increasingly shuts his bedroom door when I gently try to challenge his thoughts or ask what the next steps and future plans may be . He hardly goes out, spends all day in his bedroom, and has been refusing categorically and fiercely to seek (professional) help in any form - whether counselling, mentorship, therapy, group meetings, online forums (despite one brief participation in your forums last year) etc... I was hoping for the best when he accepted to see our GP in December to try antidepressants, which he did for a couple of months but stopped recently as he believes they had no effect whatsoever, confirming his belief in the uselessness of seeking help... As his mother, it has become increasingly hard for me to cope, to know what to do and say, given his fragile state of being and the barricades he has built to protect himself from any trespassing... he is very unwell, and I feel I need help and advice! I should also mention that he has taken great interest in the ideas and work of Canadian Clinical psychologist Jordan Peterson... me too... but he is going nowhere beyond understanding what's wrong with him... weak, too agreeable... HELP please !

PeonyRose · ‎09-07-2018

I need to add another post ..

Thanks for the info Blondguy. Yes that is the one he was talking about.

I find that on a weekly basis something or someone comes across my path that gives me hope ... a colleague or friend tells me about a job they heard about he could apply for, or a new tactic to try, or a suggestion .. and my heart leaps with hope to try it or call them, or talk to my son about it .. but usually the outcome is the same. He is not interested or it doesn't work etc .

Two weeks ago, my son had an opportunity to visit relatives interstate where he has cousins his age and they encouraged him to come over. After a great deal of anxiety about going we finally booked the flight - one way !!!! (with much much encouragement from both me and them over there) he went. I think it was the first time in nearly 1.5 years that I have had the house to myself !! JOY. I had almost forgot what it felt like to come home to complete calm and not have that anxiety hovering over us all the time.

Anyway approx. 28 hours later he was ready to come home. But in the end managed to stay for about 10 days .. which was a big effort for him. We tried to get him to stay as long as possible as I know the family over there are very supportive and even offered to set up someone to talk to for him etc .. but he refused. Anyway .. my hope that a change in environment and having some different family around him might help .. I hoped and prayed .. but he is just the same ... and probably a bit grumpier on his return. He has not talked about anything over there .. even when I tried to prompt him about how everyone is there, what happened etc .. he gave me nothing! I wanted to have a big talk with him about how we can move forward in a positive way .. but I am just unable to talk to him. He just tells me to SHHHHH and that I am boring and annoying and nagging and to stop talking. HOW CAN I COMMUNICATE WITH him ?

I feel deflated today ... like another attempt at a good idea has failed :(

Its very very hard to watch someone you love so dearly feeling so down ... and NOT wanting help. I wish I get make him see that there are people out there that can help him to cope with what is going on in his head.

Looking forward to reading about how setting some limits has helped .. I am going back to the drawing board again for some new hope.

xx

BluBelle · ‎09-07-2018

Hi PeonyRose, I hope it's ok to pop in here but I had an idea when you mentioned that you had written your son a letter. What if you wrote those letters and put it in a box or another safe place (maybe one that can't be destroyed or thrown away in a fit of anger) and let him know he can read them when he feels open to it. I think sometimes when people aren't ready to accept help, it's hard to find the right time to offer them support. When people feel put on the spot, they can sometimes go to extremes to reject it. But there may come a day when he has some clarity and feels ready to start putting change in motion, and then he knows that box is there for him. Maybe it has letters describing all the ways you love him, some (copied) photos of happy times, print outs of how to visit a psychologist, etc. Then getting help is on his terms, and he may accept it a little easier. I don't if you think it would work for your situation, but wanted to put it out there as an idea. Hope you're taking care of your own wellbeing too, this sounds really tough.

Soulmumma · ‎16-07-2018

Peony Rose & Valanne I feel your pain and broken hearts as much as my own. My situation is so very similar, i feel as though we are tenants that are not welcome in our own home at the moment 😢 really at a loss for where too now???

PeonyRose · ‎17-07-2018

Thank you BluBell

That sounds like a wonderful idea ... I have written many letters of the time to him and usually he has read them, but just recently I found them all in the bin. Anyway I will definitely do something along those lines. It comes to mind about a little think the kids did at primary school where all the students had to write something they liked about "student of the week" ... and put it in a parcel all together for that student to take home and keep. I think I will even dig that out for him and show him, or put it in this box for him to remember how much he has always been loved and admired by his friends. Thanks for the inspiration ... I love doing things like that for my kids / family.

Thank you 🙂

PeonyRose · ‎17-07-2018

Soulmumma

I feel the same way .. like we cannot be at peace in our own homes ... sometimes its like walking on egg shells .. never knowing what I am coming home to. Sometimes I dread walking in the door, but feel guilty if I don't come home too, like I am leaving him alone all day and all night !

valanne · ‎17-07-2018

PeonyRose, I don’t think I have ever been in a more difficult, hurtful and distressing situation when it comes to ‘supporting’ or ‘supporting less’ my son. By supporting him ‘less’ I am trying to find ways to support him more, as the last 2 and half years of trying to support him in a loving and understanding way have turned against me. As a caring mum, I thought I could help him by just being there for him, always ready to listen and help, open-minded, patient, trusting, letting him manage his problems in his own way so he could feel good about sharing what he wanted to share or not, making his own decisions and re-building a sense of identity for himself and by himself. Yet this has steadily led to a situation where he no longer talks, at all, and he has been building up walls around him by becoming as anti-social and resentful as he possibly can. The walls are so high I can hardly see any light or hope beyond. I just feel completely shattered, continuously pushed away and as you say, how can we help someone who refuses to be helped.

Suddenly I had to take a good look at myself as I realised I was perhaps doing more harm than good, a bit like a bystander witnessing a horrible scene and doing nothing about it, not because I didn’t want to, but I didn’t know what to do and deep down I was scared, and still am, of doing the wrong thing, saying the wrong things. All I know is I can’t keep living like this, nor can he, both locked in in our own fears and pain.

As I told him I couldn’t go on and support him financially if he didn’t want to help himself by accepting to be helped, I let my anger and disappointment come out, it felt good, and it shook him off I think. He asked me to kick him out as he can no longer contribute to living expenses, but that would be too easy and totally inappropriate and impossible for me to do, so I sent the question back to him and say he could leave if my support wasn’t good enough. I have to, not only make him face his manipulative games and dysfunctional arrogance but also stop playing the game and letting him get away with it. This is terribly hard but since our angry conversations, he has become more ‘polite’, ‘helpful’ around the house and more importantly he is going out a lot more. I don't know where, he won't say a word, just that he has joined a 'group'. I have given him the end of August as a deadline to prove he is getting better, he is taking it seriously I think as he can see I have reached my limits.

More soon;)

valanne · ‎17-07-2018

I thought it was such a encouraging and positive move from your son to go and spend 10 days away with family. My son would never do this, be family or friends. He hates everyone.

What did your family say about your son? Did they get any insights or anything from him?

Everytime I have tried to talk to my son in the last few months, just like you with your son, I get nothing, I go nowhere, I get told off if not insulted, in fact I help him build up more resentment towards me, and the world, and give him opportunities to be horrible, obnoxious and run away into his bedroom.

Now that I say nothing to him and play as cold as possible, I feel he is trying to find things to talk about, not personal things, but just things, like what needs fixing in the house, things he could do... rather than talk about himself... but at least it is a slight change... hopefully positive in the long term, but I am standing firm, in the cold... it is helping me cope a little, for the moment... xx

valanne · ‎19-07-2018

Hi Try
I just realised I haven’t responded to your post, although I thought I did, but I can’t find it! The train of posts has become quite long, which is great, it is an enormous source of support to read everyone’s story. Not feeling alone is so important …

Thank you for sharing a few words about your son. He has a lot in common with mine. I am curious to know how Jordan Peterson helps him…. JP is my son’s hero… JP’s lectures, talks and ideas are certainly very interesting and engaging, yet, my son doesn’t listen to the concrete and simple advice JP gives, such as seeking help, talking to people, seeing your GP, trying medication as a first step etc… He won’t do any of those, he is obsessed with getting better all by himself… that’s his only goal, meanwhile, he is spiralling down without realising it.

At least your son sees a psychologist and wants to go to uni if I understand correctly… that’s great to see he has goals that I hope will help him get over his depression step by step . Was your son always ok with getting help? How did he go about finding the right psychologist?

Like you say there is little more we can do than listening and being there for them… although I have come to understand that I need to set limits and become tougher in order to help my son…. It is hard….

Hoping you will share more of your story.

valanne · ‎19-07-2018

Thank Paul for your support. I hope your daughter will come out soon of this difficult stage, it must be terribly hard to know what’s going on and how to help more if she is away… and getting worse… My son is home but it is not easier and he is getting worse by the day!
Keep sharing …

valanne · ‎19-07-2018

Hello Soulmumma… yes it is so hard and distressing to come back to a home which often feels frightening… full of negative energy… what will I see or hear tonight, how am I going to feel and react in front of a son who only shows resentment and anti-social behaviours and would prefer I didn’t come home… Like PeonyRose says, I feel guilty if I don’t come home, or I worry too much…
I have just started changing my attitude to show him there has to be limits because not only I can’t cope anymore, but he has to realise that he cannot continue to refuse help while spiralling down and imposing his manipulative and bullying strategies to avoid facing reality. I don’t know where I am going but I have become very cold and given him a deadline to show that he is taking positive steps towards recovery…. I want to be able to come home and feel good about being home!