How to help and support my 20y old son through deep social anxiety, self-hatred and depression

[valanne]

Hi, my son, aged 20, has been suffering from social anxiety and depression for over 2 years, probably a lot longer in a not-so-obvious way. Since finishing his HSC he has cut himself off from all his friends, dropped out of uni 3 weeks into a course, and has been increasingly living a reclusive life eve since. After working night shifts at McDonald's so he could sleep during the day, hide or justify his antisocial behaviours, most of last year, and going to leave in a remote country town by himself with the hope and good will to 'sort himself out' and understand his existential and identity crisis and overcome his depression, he came back home last September, to my relief, and was very welcome back by both his father and myself ( we have been separated fo a few years). After spending a month or so with his father and trying to discuss and unravel with him the roots of his deep malaise and antisocial behaviours, as well as the effects of his father's over protective and controlling parenting over his development and mental health, which ended up in one too many arguments, he has been living with me since October, and had cut off all communication with his father. Small talks with me on how he feels and why keep him going as I am the only person he ever talks to... though this is on the decline as he increasingly shuts his bedroom door when I gently try to challenge his thoughts or ask what the next steps and future plans may be . He hardly goes out, spends all day in his bedroom, and has been refusing categorically and fiercely to seek (professional) help in any form - whether counselling, mentorship, therapy, group meetings, online forums (despite one brief participation in your forums last year) etc... I was hoping for the best when he accepted to see our GP in December to try antidepressants, which he did for a couple of months but stopped recently as he believes they had no effect whatsoever, confirming his belief in the uselessness of seeking help... As his mother, it has become increasingly hard for me to cope, to know what to do and say, given his fragile state of being and the barricades he has built to protect himself from any trespassing... he is very unwell, and I feel I need help and advice! I should also mention that he has taken great interest in the ideas and work of Canadian Clinical psychologist Jordan Peterson... me too... but he is going nowhere beyond understanding what's wrong with him... weak, too agreeable... HELP please !

[PeonyRose]

Soulmumma ... I feel for you .. as they are still babies really at 15. As I said above my daughter went through a rough patch between 14 - 18 .. and it was VERY ROUGH .. attempting to end her life at times and often lashing out at me as I was the only one around. BUT she was different as she was very verbal and told me everything she was feeling and how bad a mum I was !!! ... at least I know what was wrong with her and she was very agreeable to getting help ... or maybe for the attention .. but either way her physiologist was AMAZING .. and she helped us all get through those years and now my 21.5 year old is just the most beautiful, thoughtful young nurse working in mental health !!

What I am saying I guess that at 15 you can still guide him maybe more so I think that if he is older .. guide him to seek help and even if you are not included in the meetings or sessions at least you might be able to get him THERE more that I can a 20 year adult.

Medication helped my daughter get through her high school years and as soon as VCE was done .. she went off them and has been well since then. A change of school helped us too (but as I said her issues were different that what my son is going through now).

I wish you all the best.

[valanne]

Hi PeonyRose, we are definitely in a very similar situation … It is very hard because despite all the help available, our sons won’t accept any… I have tried and realised that the more I try, the more he runs away from the idea, and from me. So I have given up for the moment and I just remind him of what his hero, Jordan Peterson, says:
"If you are sick you get everything that is necessary to get better, leave your pride behind… you want to hit the problem with everything you have at your disposal.” But my son wants to prove to himself that he can get better by himself, that he is good enough… He is so ashamed of himself, finds himself so pathetic, too agreeable that the pain of opening up to anyone is unbearable… Yet unless he starts confronting his fears by placing himself in social situations that will make him realize that in fact he is as good as anyone else and that people will appreciate his company, what he has to say etc… nothing will ever changes. In fact he is just getting worse, more and more out of touch with his family and community… What can we do ?

With the help of a psychologist I have seen a few times to help me cope and understand better what my son is going through, I am slowly and gradually setting up limits and asking for contributions … I will not tolerate rudeness, I got very angry a couple of times when he was rude and behaving totally inappropriately and told him that if he wasn’t going to sort out himself quickly or seek help, I won’t be able to continue supporting him… The next day he was a lot more pleasant and communicative… for a moment… but at least there was some form of response and acknowledgment.

I ask him to contribute to all bills and soon he will have to face the necessity of going out to look for a job… or again seek help if he wants me to continue supporting him. It is very hard emotionally for me to do this as I know he is in a very fragile state of mind… but then again, I believe that supporting him by doing nothing and letting him be rude and antisocial is not helping…

I feel there is so much more I could share with you but it is not easy in writing with a limited number of characters! If there was a possibility of meeting, I would welcome the idea, but I am in Sydney and I am guessing you are in Melbourne! Anyway, we certainly can continue these posts. We need to be patient and supportive, but within limits we need to learn to establish gradually. Very tough, worrying and draining!

[PeonyRose]

HI Valanne,

Yes you are right .. I am in Melb. I would love to meet too, but I guess distance is an issue. Its feels nice to talk to someone though that know what I am going through. As nice and supportive family / friends are .. I feel like they don't truly understand what is going on and how I feel.

I like the quote you put up there. It is so accurate. I feel a major problem with my son is that he is not prepared to put himself outside is comfort zone .. which seems to be getting a smaller zone by the week ! I feel he is getting worse and worse at a rapid rate. He almost cannot even communicate with me at all. Mostly he just mumbles answers or makes noises .. like he is losing his ability to communicate in a normal way.

I feel just like you .. that at times i want to give up and just let him be, as it he pulls away more every time I try to talk about things or suggest ideas to do... but then that is not helping to leave him alone ... but then he refuses ANY help from anyone ... so the cycle goes on and on ... deeper and deeper into his rut ... not helping himself and not accepting help from anyone else. I have run out of ideas at the moment.

We do have good days every now and then when he seems to make an effort .. like cooks dinner or asks my mum (whom lives on our property) if he can help .. but they are very few and far between. If he shows an interest in anything I try to research all I can and get info and try to work out a way to get in or get there etc .. but its always the same in the end - he refused to do anything about it.

He recently wrote ... "he feels nothing and wishes he was dead". I would give anything to help him back to his old self when he was happy and loved life .. when he had friends that he went out with and laughed and was so active in sports and fitness on a daily basis. I would give my blood, my kidney, or any other parts to fix him - if that would help. Sometimes I really feel so scared ... and so alone. So helpless to do anything. As a mum my job is to make sure my kids are well and safe ... and sometimes I feel I am not doing my job. I wish I had done things differently when this first started to happen .. but I didnt realize what it would get to .. get so bad. Now the things I could have done 2 years ago are not going to help now.

I've raised my kids alone their whole lives ... I've always been strong and dealt with anything ..but the first time in 20 years Im stuck !

[valanne]

Hi PeonyRose, re-reading your posts… I feel very moved… please don’t think you are not doing your job as a mum, I think you are doing far more than a lot of mums would or could do… I think your son is very lucky to have such a caring mum… and I am sure he knows he is lucky to have you… even if he says the opposite. He sounds like my son, do you think he is trying to create conflict for the sake of it so he can learn to stand up for himself? Affirm himself? Sounds quite unbelievable given that they are 20…

I spend a lot of time trying to understand what events or relationships (or lack of relationships) have led him to withdraw to such extent… social anxiety can be a very deep, severe and debilitating mental disorder and there isn’t one day when I don’t try to understand and remember events or phases that could explain it… And I feel guilty for not having recognised some earlier signs clearly showing he was not well… he did hide his malaise and anxiety so well… he was just a grumpy and moody and cold teenager… but worked so well as school that it was hard to detect anything else… We can’t blame ourselves for anything and everything… We are doing the best job we can possibly do for our sons… they need us… they know we are there for them, but we must act within reasonable limits or else they will hate us even more…. The more you do for your son without establishing limits and perhaps imposing some conditions, the more he will hate you and treat you badly for it… You’ve got to look after yourself… and show him that you do. I know it is easier said than done…. I must be talking to myself!! May I ask if his absent father could be a reason for his depression and anxiety? Does he have any contact with him? Sorry to ask if you feel it is not appropriate….

[PeonyRose]

hi Valanne .. I sometimes forget to check back here .. sorry. I wish there was a way we could talk better but I think we are not allowed to contact outside the forum. Maybe moderators can clarify this ?

My son has always had a good relationship with his dad - from whom I have been separated since he was 1 year old. His dad moved overseas a few years back (to get married) and my son even went over there for the wedding and stayed for about 4 mths (which was great). I got lots of photo messages with smiles and looked like all was going good, ( I hoped that things were getting better), but the new wife was not so acceptable of him being there and not doing much ( so i believe from second hand information), so he came back home. He did do some labour work while there, which he said he enjoyed, but then nothing came of it at home again.

Anyway .. not too long after (less than 12 months) his dad moved back to Australia (alone !) and although he had been seeing him on a regular basis at first - especially since my son has his own car now .. now days he rarely wants to see his dad. His dad tells me that he messages my son all the time to catch up etc, but he rarely replies to him and doesn't want to see him. My son tells me that he doesn't enjoy being with his dad. I often try to encourage visits, but since their father has had an argument with my daughter also - he is not coming to the house any more !!! We tried many times over the years (working together) for the sake of my son to encourage or help him out. Im sure his issues are not to do with his dad not being around. Although it would be nice if his dad had the room (he lives with other people in shared accommodation) to take him for a while and share some time with him. I have raised them both pretty much 24/7 for the last 19 years. Not that I want to shirk my responsibilities ... but a little break from the gloom now and then would be good.

I have been reading about something called the Thrive Program, and although its not too cheap .. I wish I could get him to take part. I would be happy to pay if it helped him get back on track. So far I have not had any luck as he refuses. Have you heard about this ? I called up and one of the people sent me the first chapter from their program to read.

PeonyRose

[Sophie_M]

Hi PeonyRose, this is addressed in the Forum FAQ (pink button at the top of the page):

Can I give my email address or phone number to someone on the forum?
No. This forum is an anonymous space, and for the safety of all our members we don't allow information to be shared that would facilitate offline personal contact.  This also includes sharing the details of other online channels you may be a member of.

[valanne]

Hi PeonyRose, yes it is a real pity we can’t find a way to talk more easily outside this forum, I think it would be greatly beneficial as our stories and sons have so much in common.
Again there seems to be more similarities between our sons’ relationships with their father… or unwillingness to have a relationship… My son hasn’t seen his father for 8 months now and refuses to see him, even to talk about him… I had to stop encouraging him to contact his father as he would get terribly angry with me for mentioning his father. He blames his father for a lot of his problems and feels deep resentment and hatred towards him… I can only hope this will pass when he gets better and is able to look at the bigger picture. We have been separated for many years now, sharing custody of the three children, as amicably as possible for the children, ‘working together’ as you say, and his dad has always been there for him, in fact too much present in a controlling way… The separation wasn’t easy and my son has certainly found it difficult to live through the conflict and see me being abused and bullied… I think our sons can’t relate to their fathers and some of the decisions they made in the past that affected them, their family life and their developing sense of identity… Your son must have been very disappointed and hurt not to be accepted by his father’s new partner… He may find it difficult to accept his father put him in that situation… trust was broken perhaps… My son was never able to find other male role models or men he could identify with… interact with ... learn from... as all he did was to increasingly withdraw and hide... At the end of the day, they have us, but our love and support is not enough for them to construct their own identity, in fact, I feel my son is starting to resent me as much as he resents his father! The communication has become nil... Wondering if your son has a job? If he has any contact with the real world outside home? Mine has none...

Thank you for sharing the Thrive Program, I haven't heard about it, I will look into it, sounds like another possible great source of help… if only we can make them see that… I am still waiting for my son to open Steven Hayes' Get out of your mind and into your Life. Anything I suggest in a no no. But please let me know if you find a way to inspire your son to seek help.

I think I have reached the word limit!

[PeonyRose]

Valanne,

Oh my ... so so much the same. I read your posts and think DITTO. I don't think my son has seen his dad in months either and I too have stopped encouraging to him to go see him. Sometimes it makes things worse when they do catch up as he gets into a bad mood afterwards. I used to reach out to his dad for help but now realise that he cant help and often makes me upset as our views are different.

My son once told me (a while back, when he still talked to me on a personal level) that he felt he had no one to talk to ... no good friend to listen to him .. he felt totally alone - which of course broke my heart, and he didnt feel he could talk to me at that level .. which double broke my heart. He has NO male role model either in his life that he responds to and I guess that is why he spends so much of his day watching youtube about motivational guys regarding health and fitness mainly. He watches this but I cant see him taking action. He is literally frozen from anxiety to leave the house or step outside his comfort zone.

I have to say that I have been single mostly their whole lives until 3.5 years ago when met a lovely man who, in my opinion, is a perfect role model for any boy, but my son for some reason doesn't warm to him. He does not live with us and although he has tried in the past to talk to my son, now days he keeps pretty much out of it unless I ask him for help - or if my DS steps out of line and upsets me.

My son does not work (nor has he for 1.5 years) so has absolutely NO contact with the outside world. He will only visit my uncle and aunts house - 10 min up the road occasionally and maybe my sisters family now and then .. but rarely. He has not seen a friend for at least 6 months or more and basically only goes upto the mountains every couple of weeks to get fresh spring water from a stream !! I sometimes do this with him too.

I liked that Thrive Program on FB and have watched and read some great outcomes. I try to send him a little video every week by messenger as that is the main way we communicate. I tell him to please watch and I am here to help and willing to do anything it takes to allow him to live the best possible life he can.

I have run out of space but will write another post as I feel I had a very minor break through this past couple of weeks .. very minor by encouraging to keep going in this direction.

[PeonyRose]

I was thinking how nice it is to get a warm long hug from someone when you are feeling down .. it sort of lets you breath and relax a little. My son hardly speaks to me or says good morning etc., so for us to hug is unheard of now days. But the last couple of weeks I have made an effort to actually go over to him .. what ever he is doing and give him a hug .. or try to.

He usually pulls away and squirms etc .. but this week I feel he has pulled away a little less and let me hug him more often. I have on occasion even just given him a little kiss on the top of the head (when he is seated as he is so tall) to say good night etc. I took a Friday and Monday off work a week back and just spent 4 days at home doing some stuff around the house and spent that time with him in a way too. I didnt go out - just stayed at home. It was just me and him most of the time and although we didn't "talk" about anything much .. I felt a slight change in his attitude towards me. He has cooked a few (really good) meals and has shown slightly more enthusiasm to do so. We have had a couple of good days followed by a bad day (stays in bed all day and is grumpy when up) but I am looking at it as a slight shift.

I dont know if it is because of the hugs and positive kind words I am using daily or something else but I do feel maybe a few degrees of less hostility towards me. It feels so nice to hug him and just give him that extra squeeze that I have not been able to do for years.

When he was little he was such a sweet boy .. always on my lap wanting cuddles and hiding behind me shy etc. He was reserved but always been very considerate and respectful and so loving a young boy. He was compassionate and very calm. I KNOW that person is still in there somewhere.

I got him this book last week .. which I see he has been reading - The Reality Check-Up: Finding the perfect non-perfect version of yourself by Dr Andrew Rochford (dont know if it helps but he seems to be reading it). I don't actually give it to him .. just left it on the coffee table where he sits usually ! He knows its for him, but we don't talk about it !

So my suggestion this week .. try love ♥

[Jetrd]

Hi Valanne, We have similar children but I have changing gender in the mix as well. i could have written the behaviour you have stated but maybe your son gets out more than my child. All is not lost if the reading is ok from books you suggest and I will follow with interest this thread. You are not alone.