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How to help and support my 20y old son through deep social anxiety, self-hatred and depression
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Hi PeonyRose, it is always good to read you, a bit like
looking in the mirror and seeing an extension of myself and my son’s… It is
great to see you are managing to break through some ice, thank you for sharing, I wish I could move closer to my son, he won’t let me
get close to him, he times his movements around the house so he can avoid
me, I think the idea of a hug would horrify him, the last and brief one we
had was when he took me to the airport last Christmas as I was going overseas
to see my mother for a few weeks on my own. I think he felt lonely in my
absence. Again there was a quick hug at the
airport on my return…
Like your son he was such an affectionate and adorable
little boy…. always happy to play with other kids. I could never have imagined
he would become so resentful and anxious around other people.
When I spend days at home, it makes no difference to his
mood(s). A few days ago, I tried to engage the conversation,
again, at dinner time, willing to tell him about the Thrive Program, some
interesting books, and hoping to see where he is at… He got quite angry at me
for talking, how dare I asking how he is, he wants no help, he doesn’t need my help, he wants to sort himself by himself, and he asked me to leave him
alone. The conversation was over in 2 minutes.
I can clearly see he is getting worse , 6 months ago he would still talk
a little, now he only comes out to eat or use the bathroom! However I think he goes out very early in the
morning, around 6am , for a quick walk around the block or into the national
park where we live… at 6am, he is unlikely to run into anyone he knows,
especially in the bush!
I will continue to show support, attention and care even if
I go nowhere… Eventually he will need to earn some money to keep contributing
to living expenses…. I am waiting for that moment where he will need to talk or
go out to earn an income…
I don’t know if you feel the same but my biggest fear now is
to think I am doing the wrong thing, I feel I am letting him go down because I
don’t know what to do, because whatever I say or suggest falls on deaf ears,
and his eyes are full of anger and resentment.
I leave books I think could be useful on the coffee
table too… But I don’t think he is reading them… I will add The Reality
Check-up to the pile…
Thanks PeonyRose, I will write again soon as I wanted to add
more thoughts to your comments but I am running out of time and words tonight.
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Valanne
In response to your message :
"I don’t know if you feel the same but my biggest fear now is
to think I am doing the wrong thing, I feel I am letting him go down because I
don’t know what to do, because whatever I say or suggest falls on deaf ears,
and his eyes are full of anger and resentment. "
I feel 100% the same ... I question myself daily .. am I doing enough ?? I try to talk to many people to get their options and suggestions, but ultimately I am the one living in this situation with him and I have to trust that I know him best.
People say to me I should just kick him out - be tougher on him - give him ultimatums etc ... but in the end I don't think that will help him. One, he will hate me MORE .. and two, THERE IS NO WAY IN THE WORLD I COULD THROW MY CHILD OUT. He is unwell and needs help. We just have to work out how we can do this.
Of course by them refusing help makes it very hard .. but never under estimate the love of a mother. I would do anything to help him. I WILL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES. I guess I just have to turn over every stone until I find that thing that will help .. the one thing that will start to make a difference so that he can realise what a wonderful life he could have. I just want my son to know that I am here for him .. when he is ready. I try to tell him this every now and then (when I get him at a good moment) . I want him to know that I love him no matter what ... sometimes I don't like him much !! BUT I love him 🙂
Valanne ... don't think you are doing the wrong thing. You are a good mum - I can tell. Just by being here and trying to get help shows what a great job you are doing. ♥
Hopefully our sons will see one day how much they are loved and that we are here to help.
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Thank you PeonyRose for your kind words and insightful comments… Your questions are my everyday questions too, and more and more so now that I feel my son is getting worse rather than better… It is quite unsettling to hear people say we should be tougher and expect a lot more from them… I hear it too, not knowing what to do… as I hit a wall every time I try to utter a word... My biggest fear about being tougher and confronting him is for him to leave given his fragile state of being and deep anxiety in the presence of other people, what would he do, where would he go… homeless he could quickly become…
Yet we need to engage them as to why they refuse so fiercely
any form of help… I just don’t understand why after a couple of years my son is
so opposed to it… Can’t he see he is not getting better, in fact he is getting worse without realising
it…. without being able to admit it, so
obsessed he is with proving himself he can stand up for himself… he has lost all sense of perspective. He is
either totally mute, or aggressive and rude and he is going insane because he
can’t bear the heavy burden and weight of his loneliness. At twenty…
We need to find some cracks, some openings somewhere in
their heads, some contradictions they can’t deny, to make them see some
light… but that means being able to
converse with good will, trust and love ….
Something that seems to be slipping away further and further for me …. The
last few days haven’t been good…
What does your son say about not wanting to get help?
There has to be ways where we can get tougher gently, slowly and
safely… I feel I am being far too
passive because just like you I know I will do whatever it takes… Perhaps we need to reflect on and redefine what that 'whatever it takes' really means...
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Dear valanne,
Reading your post was like reading my story. My son is 24 and suffers deep depression,feelings of worthlessness, and anxiety.
He too is a follower, for want of a better phrase, of Jordon Peterson, which has helped him in a number of good ways to get a better perspective on a number of things. We have listened to podcasts as well..
I’m trying to help my son to realise he may need medication, but to no avail, his last try ended badly with him feeling numb and then the withdrawal...but that’s not to say that another type will help, but he won’t take the risk, which is leaving him feeling nothing will help.
His psych says he just needs to get his life in order in place and things may get better, but he isn’t with him 24/7, the tears and agony...
He wants to go to uni but just doesn’t know if he will manage the stress..so we are looking at other ways to gain the education he wants where there is less stress.
I guess I’m just saying I know your pain and frustration at not owning ‘that magic wand’.
I often say to him I wish I could fix this...but he just wants me there and to just listen...that’s what I can give him.
,
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Hi
I have started to type a response many times and haven't been able to finish it for various reasons. There is so much I want to say and its so hard sometimes to express it here.
To answer your question .... I ask my son often if I can help him. Do you need any help ? Can
I organise anyone to talk to ? I'm here to help you etc. but
usually he just shakes his head or doesn't respond at all.
I feel the longer I leave it .. the harder it will be for him to get back
"into" society. The more time that goes by, the more set in his
ways he will become.
Your question above has really made me think though, I say I would do
anything but now I am reflecting ... will I do whatever it takes .. even
if it means something drastic that seems wrong to me. Am I just being
too soft as it seems easier than pushing him until he breaks ? My fear is
that if I keep pushing him he will think that I don't care .... that I am angry
at him and want him to get out of the house or something. His perception
of me trying to help him is not help but annoying or nagging him. I want
him to know that I understand his difficulties and want to help him to overcome
them ..together. Just writing this and thinking about it does make me
wonder .. maybe I am too soft .. after all no one else is pushing him to
do anything. I just don't know. But I think you are definitely
right .. we need to reflect on what it means to do whatever it takes !
We had an incident last week where that rapper
in the USA was shot .. a young guy .... I had never heard of him before but the
other day when I got home my son was a little more angry and upset than usual
and I really didnt think much of it as he has bad days often.
Later in the evening he told me that one of his favourite rappers died today
and he burst out in tears. I have not seen him so upset in a very
long time. I asked him to tell me about the boy and what he liked
about him etc .. trying to encourage talk but he just got up and ran to his
room crying .. I mean sobbing hard. I left him be .. but when he eventually
came out I just sat next to him on the couch and just patted his back (as he
wouldn't let me hug him). We just sat in silence for a while but he
didn't want to talk about it.
I've used up my characters again .. 😞
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Thank you for your encouraging comments Peony Rose. It's definitely the hardest thing we've ever endured as a family. I spend every day trying to ensure my heart doesn't break completely 😭
He has such horrible feeling toward me when i offer any kind of advice of what to do to help him feel more positive. He hates taking any medications and looks at me with such distrust when i give it to him. I just wish he would understand i only want to help.....
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Hello PeonyRose a bit late after a few busy and difficult
times.
I hope you son is feeling better and the death of this US
rapper an opportunity perhaps for him to open up a little? I thought it was
really touching that he would show his emotions in such a way, faced with life’s fragility. He is very sensitive
and must have a lot of emotional baggage bottled up…
My son is the opposite here, well he used to be a very
sensitive child, and got abused or bullied for it I am guessing from the little
bit I know, now he is icy cold and trying to be as anti-social as possible, building barriers and working on
avoidance strategies, everything but what he should be doing…. To the point that he has become very rude and
aggressive lately… I got quite angry a few times following a few incidents and
told him I couldn’t go on living like that and believed that my support was
just feeding his resentment, his spiralling down, his anti-socials behaviours,
in one word, I was making things worse despite my good will, support and
love. He told me he didn’t like me,
quite openly… in fact he hates his entire family… I told him he didn’t have to
live with people he doesn’t like, the door is open. Moreover, he has run out of
money, as I was expecting would happen soon. He can’t contribute to any
expenses anymore until he finds a job. He tells me he is not ready yet to go
out in the world and look for a job… He could relapse into depression, he needs
time. It has been two years of refusing any form of help, and I got quite angry
and wrote to him a letter, hoping he would read it as any words I say falls on
deaf ears and I find writing easier and fairer especially when I am angry and
say things I don’t mean!
Anyway the opportunity has come for me to set limits and
make him face reality: if he wants me to keep supporting him, he needs to seek
and get help, or find a job, or enrol into a course and study something … Again
he refused categorically, telling me he
was getting better, and I had to trust him or kick him out! I have given him
until the end of August to prove his point that he is getting better…. After
that, I won’t support him financially, meaning the fridge will be empty. It is
not for me to kick him out, I could never do this, however, I told him he has
to take responsibility and leave if he doesn’t like his family, he can’t expect
support and resent where it is coming from!
I have to be firm, I think it will help him, I have run out of characters 😞 more soon
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Hello Valanne
Please forgive me as I have posted late in your thread. I understand the pain you, PeonyRose....Try....Jetrd and Soulmumma are going through
My daughter is 25 has been brought up well. I am presented with the same 'attitude' as you have mentioned
I am well versed in human behavior and have never been a 'helicopter' parent yet I find my daughters attitude belligerent and confusing despite my efforts....My daughter lives away as she wanted to have her own independence....unit etc etc...and is becoming worse now
Just a note if thats okay......the rapper that passed away in Florida was Jahseh Onfroy aka XXXTentacion. He was 20 years old.
I understand what you are going through Valanne and will try to be of some support...if I can
my kind thoughts for you
Paul
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Valanne,
I am being pressured into the exact same thing - about not "supporting" him, and I am finding it very hard to enforce. I too can never throw him out of the house but by saying I am not prepared to 'support' you if you are not willing to accept some form of professional help, or go back to school, or find a job, sounds easier said that done.
Food and a roof over his head, with heating and comfort are all I provide for him at the moment as he doesn't ever ask for anything else .. so food is really the only thing I can ask him to provide himself. I have not asked him to contribute financially .. but that is something I will need to look at soon I think.
Talked to a friend on the weekend whose son is very similar to mine. She said if they were sick or had a broken leg .. you wouldn't throw them out on the street .. mental illness is the same .. they are sick and need to be repaired or taken care of. But saying that .. it is so extremely difficult to help someone that refuses to be helped.
I think one the hardest things is being told all the time that you are hated, and being pushed away or looked at like you have done something horrendous .. when all you want to do is help. Its very trying. I understand Valanne and Soulmumma that feeling you have too well. I tell myself that he doesn't really feel like that about me .. it's just that he is not thinking straight at the moment. But is very had to keep loving and supporting someone that is constantly pushing you away.
Valanne .. I too have written many a letter to my son .. as I find it much easier to write things down, clearly and directly without getting distracted. The last one I wrote him was torn to shreds in front of my eyes (before he read it). That hurts ... he wont let me talk to him and he wont even read my letter. HOW can I communicate with him ?
At least Valanne he is saying that he is getting better .. that sounds positive .. right ? I would be happy with little steps at a time .. maybe going out and doing the groceries or going out and doing something in public alone. Or even just listening to me and how I feel ... doing something at home like cleaning or cooking, rather than sitting around all day. That would mean that he cared ... right ? I work long hours and am not home till 6.30 at night so hard to monitor him all day.
I am eager to hear how the setting the limits go. I have to do something similar I know.
