How to help and support my 20y old son through deep social anxiety, self-hatred and depression

valanne · ‎25-02-2018

Hi, my son, aged 20, has been suffering from social anxiety and depression for over 2 years, probably a lot longer in a not-so-obvious way. Since finishing his HSC he has cut himself off from all his friends, dropped out of uni 3 weeks into a course, and has been increasingly living a reclusive life eve since. After working night shifts at McDonald's so he could sleep during the day, hide or justify his antisocial behaviours, most of last year, and going to leave in a remote country town by himself with the hope and good will to 'sort himself out' and understand his existential and identity crisis and overcome his depression, he came back home last September, to my relief, and was very welcome back by both his father and myself ( we have been separated fo a few years). After spending a month or so with his father and trying to discuss and unravel with him the roots of his deep malaise and antisocial behaviours, as well as the effects of his father's over protective and controlling parenting over his development and mental health, which ended up in one too many arguments, he has been living with me since October, and had cut off all communication with his father. Small talks with me on how he feels and why keep him going as I am the only person he ever talks to... though this is on the decline as he increasingly shuts his bedroom door when I gently try to challenge his thoughts or ask what the next steps and future plans may be . He hardly goes out, spends all day in his bedroom, and has been refusing categorically and fiercely to seek (professional) help in any form - whether counselling, mentorship, therapy, group meetings, online forums (despite one brief participation in your forums last year) etc... I was hoping for the best when he accepted to see our GP in December to try antidepressants, which he did for a couple of months but stopped recently as he believes they had no effect whatsoever, confirming his belief in the uselessness of seeking help... As his mother, it has become increasingly hard for me to cope, to know what to do and say, given his fragile state of being and the barricades he has built to protect himself from any trespassing... he is very unwell, and I feel I need help and advice! I should also mention that he has taken great interest in the ideas and work of Canadian Clinical psychologist Jordan Peterson... me too... but he is going nowhere beyond understanding what's wrong with him... weak, too agreeable... HELP please !

valanne · ‎19-08-2018

Hi PeonyRose, it's been a while and I am wondering how you are going. I hope you are ok. I have been going through a lot of stressful time with my attempts to set up limits... Has led to some very conflictual conversations and my son wanting to leave rather than putting up with a deadline... But luckily he is still around, and the conversations have been useful though little has changed... for the moment...

PeonyRose · ‎01-10-2018

Hello Valanne and others 🙂

It has been a while. We are ok. Some good things and some not so good. I went on a holiday in Aug for a few weeks, which was wonderful to get away and destress a little. While I was gone my son managed to take a job (where his dad works - same place but different area), so that was just the absolute best thing to come back to. He has been at it for about 4 weeks now which I commend him for. It's labour work so he is out the door at 6am each morning and so far has not missed a day. He is being self sufficient preparing his lunch at night and organising himself which is also so wonderful. We all thought Yeah .. a small step but at least in the right direction. I was over the moon.

Its been 4 weeks now and although he goes out each day and works ... his home attitude has not changed. He still is very depressed and doesn't go out once he is home. He tells me he doesn't really like the work, but does it just to get out of the house. His attitude towards me and others at home is still very rude and non communicative.

I have had some rather BIG things to deal with of late, and he showed a very slight interest in my situation and even came out to help to supermarket shop on a few occasions but since my circumstances have slightly improved I find him back to his old grumpy self again. Non communicative and quite rude.

I read something he wrote recently .. which indicated that he was felt very umm .. sick of his life and had some bad thoughts. His job was not what he wanted to do and the only reason he was doing it was to get out of the house. Again I am in a situation where I don't know how to help him. I think I am going to try and talk to him about seeking some professional help again. I know he will refuse ..but frankly I don't know what else to do.

Spirit77 · ‎24-08-2019

Hi Valanne

Your last post was August 2018. I am hoping that you will see this and reply. Your case with your son is so similar to my own 28yr old son. Your posts have been a comfort to me knowing that I am not alone. I would really like to know how you and your son are doing now?

JRC · ‎24-08-2019

My son tiring 18 this October. He (we) has been struggling for a couple of years. I can’t to any of the posts in this thread as everything has been said about what has been and is going on. At the end of the tether and no-one seems to be able to help or perhaps don’t know how. I know that if someone came to our house and said to my son ‘come on, let’s go here or do this’, he would go and this is what he needs. The trouble is there is no one to do this or no one willing to do this. What’s the answer? I know what he needs, what he should do, etc. and there isn’t anything I haven’t tried. My only disappointment is that when he was showing signs of improvement and getting back to school, the school said it was too late for him to do his HSC - this had always been his focus and reason to get out of bed. This means he is isolated from his friends (one has stood by him) and feels left out while they are getting on with trials and finishing Year 12. He is allowed to be a part of the farewells and valedictory but very hard when he has been away for so long now.

JRC · ‎24-08-2019

PS: Whilst these forums and posts are helpful to vent and provide insight that there are others going through the same thing, I’d really like it if someone could actually provide a resolution. Unfortunately, reading these posts, they only tell you what you already know and have tried. I phoned Beyond Blue and still didn’t get any advice as to where else to go, what else to try, what else to do. Crisis point gets action and mild anxiety can be helped but anything in between is just ‘good luck’.

JRC · ‎24-08-2019

PPS: Note that my first post was 12 months ago (I only just noticed this myself) and my situation has not changed despite professional help and everything else starting 6 months prior to that.

GwinnyB · ‎29-10-2019

Hi all, am joining the convo late but read your posts with much emotion as it resonated sharply with my experience with our twenty year old son. I cannot express enough how amazing I think you must be to be coping as single parents, as my hubby and I have struggled big time even as a united front. One positive we have had is our sons interest and commitment to maintaining a tank of tropical fish in his room (of course.) however , the unwillingness or inability to work; study; socialise or engage in any authentic conversations about future plans hangs over our heads like a dark cloud. We have offered Outward Bound type hiking trips and driving lessons to promote independence and resilience but he never wants to go outside his comfort zone. I liked the idea of creating a box of letters, memories and photos to make accessible to him at his leisure. You grab any idea to help don’t you?
finding others in this dismal boat with us has given me a boost today though. Has anyone had any changes in their situations?

valanne · ‎13-04-2020

Hello PeonyRose

I am only reading your last post now, from October 2018! I am very sorry, I left the forum thinking you had left too, and no one else seemed to be interested in continuing the conversation at the time... Today I feel I have the courage to re-visit and reading your post brings a lot of emotions back. I hope the last year has been easier for you and your son is better. Mine left home in Sept 2018, came back from work one day and he was just gone. I haven't heard from him since, I just managed to find out he has been working (labour work) and basically he is alive... It has been a most difficult time for me, not knowing where he is, how he is doing... hoping to see him again one day... This has been my reality for the last year and half, and given the present situation with Covid19, I feel very hopeless. Anyway, I hope this post reaches you somehow, and times are much better on your side.

valanne · ‎13-04-2020

Hi Spirit77, I am very sorry I haven't replied to your post any earlier, I just returned to the Forum and saw your post today. Why today I don't really know, I haven't heard from my son since Sept 2018 when he left home while I was at work and left no notes, there are days when I feel so down that any bit of comfort or communication with people who share similar stories is of great help. I hope the situation with your son has improved and you are all doing ok, especially in these difficult times of confinement.

valanne · ‎13-04-2020

Hi GwinnyB, I discover you post only today, not having been on this forum for over a year and half, why I am not sure, times have been most distressing since my son left home in Sept 2018, in a very poor mental state, hating himself and society, running away from his caring family... no news since then, I just know he is alive somehow. I hope your son is doing better since your post, and if you feel like sharing your story further, please do.