How do you have faith in your marriage when your partner has depression?

[Zozza]

My husband has been recently diagnosed with major depressive disorder. The depression started about mid year, during the second lockdown (we live in Melbourne and are both teachers).

We have been together for nearly 22 years and married for 12. We have two beautiful boys. We bought a house 18 months ago and we were very happy. I was very happy. Then 2020 came long...and everything changed.

Our relationship with each other has really suffered. We argue now more than we ever have. He has become distant and unreachable. He does not seem to have any love for me right now. I think our issues are heightened by being in lockdown and both working from home. We had no escape from each other and our working and personal lives became blurred.

I know he is questioning the relationship. I want to believe that our marriage is not the cause of his depression, but it's really hard for me not to worry that I am the problem. Or that our relationship is the problem. I know that it is much more complex than that and that his depression isn't necessarily rooted in any one thing in particular. I want to believe that his depression is actually probably the main cause of our current marital problems, but it is so hard to have faith when he can't give me any reassurance that he will ever feel for me what he used to feel.

I need to know how you can stand by your partner through all of this and still believe that deep down inside of them they still love and want you. Loving someone who is depressed is the hardest thing I have ever done but I would be prepared to go to hell and back with him if I knew that at the end of all of this he will love me and want me and be by my side. The fear of losing him is making it so much harder for me to be the person he needs right now. How do I believe that we are still true soul mates if he can't?

It is the hardest thing for me because I love him so much. He is everything to me. I love him even at his worst and on his darkest days and when he can't love me back. But I need hope that he will one day love me back.

[815]

Hi Zozza,

I am glad you made it back on here to give an update. I am so sorry that things are so difficult right now. I know you posted in my thread and said you have a lot of admiration for me. The feeling is mutual. I think you are truly amazing for having the strength to get through each day, looking after yourself, your children and still standing by your husband despite the pain you are feeling.

How did things go with the relationship counsellor? I hope that having some time and space to yourselves (even though you miss him) will be helpful. You are right, you both probably need a break from it all to reset and hopefully you will both see things a little clearer.

I really am hoping for the best for you and your family.

[Zozza]

I had my counselling session today. It was quite intense. I've come away feeling a little less hopeful about the future of our relationship but also a little more empowered.

My husband is still feeling ambivalent about our relationship. The counsellor has put a time limit on how long he has to make a commitment to the marriage. He has until the end of next month. We both have one more individual session each and then we will have one together - that will either be us moving forward as a couple, or a medication to help us move forward separately.

I am not even sure whether I will last that long. At the moment I need to protect myself and existing in this limbo is just too painful. I am completely devastated that we may not be able to stay together. But I have to face that reality. And it's somewhat reassuring to have a level of certainty - a decision will be made soon, one way or another. And I also have the power to end things. I have the ability to make that choice - not because I don't love him, not because I am not strong enough to face this, not because I can't forgive him, but because I can't fight for this relationship by myself. He has to put as much energy into this as I am. I deserve that much.

It's hard to face this but I have to be honest with myself and kind to myself.

She said that I have been over-functioning in the relationship. I also realise that I haven't allowed myself to not be ok. I am strong - but part of me really doesn't want to be strong and be ok because I am not. At some point soon I am going to have to allow myself to not be ok. Perhaps I am not ready for that yet. I hope that when I do fall, someone else will be there to catch me. At the moment perhaps I don't feel that anyone will.

[815]

Hi Zozza,

I feel so heartbroken for you. But you sound so amazingly strong. Regardless of how things work out, you do deserve to be kind to yourself. Remember, you are not at fault here. And it is OK for you to not be OK too.

I'm not sure what else I can say to support right now. But I do believe you will heal.That person who catches you when you fall, might just have to be you for the time being...

Please take care.