How do you have faith in your marriage when your partner has depression?

[Zozza]

My husband has been recently diagnosed with major depressive disorder. The depression started about mid year, during the second lockdown (we live in Melbourne and are both teachers).

We have been together for nearly 22 years and married for 12. We have two beautiful boys. We bought a house 18 months ago and we were very happy. I was very happy. Then 2020 came long...and everything changed.

Our relationship with each other has really suffered. We argue now more than we ever have. He has become distant and unreachable. He does not seem to have any love for me right now. I think our issues are heightened by being in lockdown and both working from home. We had no escape from each other and our working and personal lives became blurred.

I know he is questioning the relationship. I want to believe that our marriage is not the cause of his depression, but it's really hard for me not to worry that I am the problem. Or that our relationship is the problem. I know that it is much more complex than that and that his depression isn't necessarily rooted in any one thing in particular. I want to believe that his depression is actually probably the main cause of our current marital problems, but it is so hard to have faith when he can't give me any reassurance that he will ever feel for me what he used to feel.

I need to know how you can stand by your partner through all of this and still believe that deep down inside of them they still love and want you. Loving someone who is depressed is the hardest thing I have ever done but I would be prepared to go to hell and back with him if I knew that at the end of all of this he will love me and want me and be by my side. The fear of losing him is making it so much harder for me to be the person he needs right now. How do I believe that we are still true soul mates if he can't?

It is the hardest thing for me because I love him so much. He is everything to me. I love him even at his worst and on his darkest days and when he can't love me back. But I need hope that he will one day love me back.

[815]

Hi Zozza,

I agree and also want to thank Geoff and Bill for an insight into what it is like for our husbands.

I don't think I have anything else I can say right now to help. But I want you to know how amazing and strong I think you are being through all of this confusion, all of this hurt and sadness.

It is good to hear that your husband has his dad and sister who can help and support him. But what about you? I hope you have a good support network to help you too?

[Zozza]

Yes I do have support.

I am a teacher - yesterday I told two of my colleagues about what happened. I hadn't really told anyone else except my dad. They were a great support and even though a part of me doesn't really want people to know, I also don't want to hold onto it like a shameful secret. Teaching at the moment is very difficult - in the classroom I am distracted, and I find it impossible to focus on any of my work. I have a pile of marking to do and reports to write and I am not sure how I am going to do it all.

I also have two beautiful kids who I feel are so affected by all this. They are left alone while we talk. They cry when we argue. The tooth fairy forgot to come twice this week.

I feel like I've been through trauma akin to the death of a loved one or a natural disaster in terms of the impact. But if someone had died or I had survived a bushfire - I wouldn't have to keep it a secret. I would be allowed to stop and grieve and fall apart and I wouldn't have to keep on living my life as if everything was normal. My world has turned upside down but everything around me still looks the same and it's very unsettling. I feel displaced.

On Monday night I have an appointment with my counsellor. I am dying to tell her about all of this.

I also have my dad and his wife who are checking in with me regularly.

I am also doing a lot of journaling, and writing on here helps.

[815]

Hi Zozza,

I'm glad to hear that you do have support as I think it is so important for you right now.

I was wondering how your kids are doing through all of this. And it must be heart breaking for them. Do they know what's going on?

I hope you manage to get some time on the weekend to distract yourself a little from all of this. I know it will be hard though. It will be good to speak to your counsellor about it all.

Take care.

[Zozza]

The kids know that something is going on, but we haven't told them specifically.

My eldest, 10, was crying yesterday and saying he was just so worried about me and dad.

It kinda makes me more angry - especially as since I found out about the affair, I feel like I have spent way more time caring for and being with the kids than he has. He was away all weekend while I tried to hold myself together and distract myself and the kids. And then he comes home and wonders why I need to talk and why I am not simply satisfied that he's here. And I am on edge all the time, expecting him to leave at any moment. He stays, but he expresses that he has this urgent need to be by himself. He says he feels trapped. Which is unfair. I never trapped him. I do not treat him badly, nor abuse him. I did not hold a gun to his head while he proposed to me. I did not force him to have children with me. He chose this life as much as I did and it served us well until this point.

I feel like all the focus is on what he needs. But what about what I need?

[Zozza]

I just got a message from the counselling service and my counsellor has cancelled my appointment for tonight. I am so disappointed. I have been waiting all week for this and I haven't had a chance to even tell her what has happened and usually when I have to reschedule I wait weeks to see her again.

I don't know whether to find a different counsellor or something. I can't do this without help.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Zozza,

We're so sorry to hear you appointment's been cancelled. That must be very upsetting. Please don't hesitate to reach out to the mental health professionals at our support service on 1300 22 4636 for brief counselling, support and referrals.

[815]

Hi Zozza,

It is such a hard time for you all.

My eldest is 10 as well and she cries often too telling me she's worried about Mummy and Daddy. It's so sad for them.

I feel for you too and you definitely matter in this situation and your needs are so important too.

Although our situations are not exactly the same, my husband has also said he is going to move out or needs to leave. He is still here. But like you, I am constantly on edge that he will also leave at any moment. I wish I could say more to help you.

I was also going to suggest as Sophie did, to maybe try one of the Beyond Blue counsellors, just to have someone else to talk to? Are you able to reschedule an appointment with your own counsellor for the near future?

[Janus20]

Hi Zozza,

I have read through your thread and see many similarities in our situations. Although I have been dealing with things for over a year. Last year W came out and said that she doesn’t feel anything for me and hasn’t felt anything in years. She never thought to tell me this until we were hitting rock bottom. Whilst we were at our lowest, she was being comforted by another guy and they formed a connection (and at least an emotional affair), which made her see that our relationship was crap and why was she still with me? She also turned very selfish, all “I” and “me”, never “us” or “we”.
we have continued to struggle through trying to figure out what we have and if it can be saved. W moved out of the main bedroom and has been sleeping in the spare room for the last year. We have 2 kids as well.

In my situation, W is confident that she won’t see me as any more than a friend again. She has never decided to leave, because I think she is incapable of making a decision with her headspace and is comfortable receiving the benefits and security the relationship still holds. I on the other hand can’t continue to live like this, I told her 6months ago that I was going to leave because I don’t see us getting anywhere (due to her constantly telling me this), but she didn’t like that, so I hung around and we have been going to counselling.
Through this time, I have become clearer as to who I am and what I want and expect out of life (and our relationship). It looks like we will try and separate and remain friends (trying to minimise the hurt for the kids), I know this is going to be tough, especially because she doesn’t have feelings for me but I still love her. I just need more from our relationship than friendship. Knowing that she hasn’t loved me in years is a constant kick in the guts for me.

To get to an amicable place, I needed to go through everything I contributed to the struggles in our marriage. I know I was never a great communicator, she tells me I failed at supporting her during some situations she has gone through and with kids coming along, we got stuck in a routine without any time for “us”, thus loosing any connection we had. etc.

Your H is responsible for how he acts, but you both had a part to play in your relationship getting to where it is. I suggest reflecting on the good and bad times, identify what you want in life and identify areas you could improve and use this time to learn to be a better partner. Hopefully H can do the same.

Janus

[smallwolf]

Hi. I have been seeing a psychologist for a while and know what it is like for you when you are told your appointment has been cancelled, especially given recent events. I look forward to my sessions to get things off my chest and have someone who listens without judgement and when that appears to get taken away from me...

With that said, something which my psychologist did tell me about talking with my wife about how something is affecting me is ... make sure that I speak in terms of "I". She also said to make sure that I have to say is dripping in empathy. It helps to stop the other person from getting defensive etc.

It might go something like ... "I notice that when you come home from work that you ... and I am sure you work is quite demanding and you need some time to yourself and I get that. " and "the effect this has on me ... and I would like for us to .... What do you think?"

I don't know what the future holds between you and your partner. If you want to talk through it here, you may get other perspectives as well. Only if you want to.

Tim

[Zozza]

I understand this Janus, and perhaps it's too early for me in the process to see it, but I am not sure that my situation is the same. I mean every situation is different I guess.

I have always known what I want. I have always been very open and honest and passionate. I never stopped trying to connect with my husband. I have always tried to give him what he needs and supported him through the decline of his mental state. He pushed me away. He became very selfish. He thought only of his own needs. All in an attempt to work out what he wants and who he is and why he was unhappy.

I recognise that I have faults and that our marriage is not perfect, but I really don't feel that it was bad enough to warrant this behaviour. Or that I played such a key role in his unhappiness.

There is a really good Ted Talk by Esther Perel about this that I watched on the weekend - about how when people are unfaithful, it isn't always their partner they are turning away from, but the person they have themselves become. It isn't that they are looking for another person, but another self. This seems to make sense. Otherwise why do people in happy marriages have affairs?

I think we had a happy marriage. He might disagree. But I think he was unhappy with himself, long before he was ever unhappy in the marriage. And this is something he must work through. Once he comes to term with that, then we might be able to talk about what we want from the marriage that perhaps we weren't getting before and how our needs weren't being met. If we ever get there.