How do you have faith in your marriage when your partner has depression?

[Zozza]

My husband has been recently diagnosed with major depressive disorder. The depression started about mid year, during the second lockdown (we live in Melbourne and are both teachers).

We have been together for nearly 22 years and married for 12. We have two beautiful boys. We bought a house 18 months ago and we were very happy. I was very happy. Then 2020 came long...and everything changed.

Our relationship with each other has really suffered. We argue now more than we ever have. He has become distant and unreachable. He does not seem to have any love for me right now. I think our issues are heightened by being in lockdown and both working from home. We had no escape from each other and our working and personal lives became blurred.

I know he is questioning the relationship. I want to believe that our marriage is not the cause of his depression, but it's really hard for me not to worry that I am the problem. Or that our relationship is the problem. I know that it is much more complex than that and that his depression isn't necessarily rooted in any one thing in particular. I want to believe that his depression is actually probably the main cause of our current marital problems, but it is so hard to have faith when he can't give me any reassurance that he will ever feel for me what he used to feel.

I need to know how you can stand by your partner through all of this and still believe that deep down inside of them they still love and want you. Loving someone who is depressed is the hardest thing I have ever done but I would be prepared to go to hell and back with him if I knew that at the end of all of this he will love me and want me and be by my side. The fear of losing him is making it so much harder for me to be the person he needs right now. How do I believe that we are still true soul mates if he can't?

It is the hardest thing for me because I love him so much. He is everything to me. I love him even at his worst and on his darkest days and when he can't love me back. But I need hope that he will one day love me back.

[815]

Hi Zozza,

Good on you for reaching out here. I just felt the need to reply to your post almost instantly. I am in pretty much the same situation as you...and I wish I could provide you some answers. I have my own thread:

Supporting a depressed husband - seeking hope

I have had plenty of responses there from the absolutely amazing people on this forum who have helped give me the hope to hold on. I can't say that we are through the storm yet, but I am hopeful.

Take care of yourself as well. For me, it has been mentally exhausting as well and I've had to seek support for myself as well.

Please keep posting here if it helps. I find that sometimes it helps me to get my thoughts out of my head.

[Zozza]

Hi 815, I have read through your thread and found it very helpful. I am so sorry you are going through this too, but also really glad I found this forum.

I have also found it really useful to do some research and learn that this sort of thing is really common and is helping me see that it is the depression, and not him, that it making him doubt his love for me and to see me and our marriage as something negative.

I have been speaking to a counsellor and she has been really helpful, but our last session was cancelled and rescheduled and I have had to wait a long time to talk to her again, and I find some days are just much harder than other days. The fear of losing him is just so strong sometimes.

I am determined not to let the depression divide and conquer us. It has stolen so much from my husband, including the words I need to hear him say, but I will not let it steal my faith in our marriage.

[815]

Hi Zozza,

I read your words and I feel as if I have written them. So as much as I hate for either of us to be in this situation, I hope it provides you a little comfort and support to know that, you are not alone in this. Although I am sure you feel that way, as I do.

I agree, the more I read, the more I realise that it is the depression. It still does not make it easier to handle, however in the times when I can remind myself of that and believe that it is not his true feelings, I can find hope.

I'm glad to hear you are speaking to a counsellor. I hope you can speak to her again soon?

Is your husband on medication and/or seeing counsellor/psychologist as well?

And I totally understand that fear. Just this morning I was sitting here with that fear at the pit of my stomach. And I came on to the forum and saw your post and somehow it gave me some strength and hope.

I always thought, that our love was strong enough to see us through anything. And I find myself wondering whether I was wrong in believing that. However, we got married, for better or worse, in good and bad. It's definitely bad, but it's not over. And I do believe that sometimes in a marriage/relationship, one partner has to step up and be a bit stronger for a bit and carry both through.

Maybe for us Zozza, that time is now. The time to stand up, hold on, and be strong for our husband and our children.

[Zozza]

Hi 815,

Thank you so much.

I actually used those words, said that it was ok for him to feel like this and that I was here for him and that I would carry him. He got so angry, said he didn't want me to carry him, and that he felt like I was treating him like a baby. That hurt a lot, but also I know a lot of men hate to show their vulnerability and feel the need to always be strong. I think I need to support him in a way that makes him feel that he has his independence and that he is doing this on his own terms.

He has started seeing a very good psychologist last week. His first counsellor wasn't very helpful - maybe partly because he wasn't ready yet to really open up, or maybe they just didn't really gel. But now he seems to have found someone who can help, which is a relief. I am thinking of suggesting medication if things don't improve. He has gone back to work today after taking some stress leave - this is my first day at home on my own for many months - since the first lockdown, and it has been good for me to just sit with my own thoughts. I really needed to have that space. It's made me realise how hard it has been to do that with him here all the time. And we will see if going back to work helps or makes things worse.

Thanks so much for your support. It is really helpful for me. I am thinking of you too and hope that we both have the strength to get through this.

[815]

Hi Zozza,

I saw my mum earlier. She asked me how things are and how my husband is. I told her that things are not great. She told me to be patient with him...and I know she is right. These things will take time to heal.

I think that we have to believe that we will be OK. Because if we lose that hope, that faith, that belief, then we we have no chance of being OK.

Don't give up.

[Zozza]

I told him tonight that I have decided not to let my own anxiety about our relationship and the fear of losing him control me anymore. That I will continue to love him even if he can't love me back right now.

I told him I will be there for him no matter what. He thanked me and said that he can't say the same.

That hurts, but I know it's the depression talking.

He also said that he feels as though he's never going to be the same again. That he's gone through some kind of transformation and that this is who is now. That perhaps he's been this way all along but he was just pretending until now.

Is this normal for someone with depression to talk like this?

I feel I can't really listen or believe anything he says at the moment. It is the depression talking. I just have to remind myself constantly and not believe all this crazy stuff. He's never talked like this before.

[815]

Hi Zozza,

First of all, I think it was very strong and honest of you to speak to him and say those things to him. I can only imagine how hurtful his response was.

My husband has said almost the exact same words to me. And I go back and forth between convincing myself that it is the depression, and wondering whether these are his true feelings.

I think...we have to believe it's the depression.

I don't know how this will work out for either of us. But I do know that I won't be giving up. And I can feel in your words Zozza that you don't want to give up either. I think what we can do right now, is keep trying, keep being here and keep loving. Trust that time will heal, have faith in our husbands and faith in ourselves to get us through.

I can only imagine that tonight may be a hard one for you. Know that I am thinking of you too and hoping for the best for you. When the morning comes, the sun will rise and so will you, to face another day. Because for now, that is what we can do for them.

[Zozza]

So tomorrow is our anniversary. We are having the kids looked after and having a kid free night and going out for dinner to one of our favourite restaurants.

I feel so anxious about it. I really don't know what to expect. He's basically made it clear to me that he can't really reciprocate my love and affection at the moment. I asked him if he still wanted to go - and made it clear that he was not under any pressure - but he said that he still wanted to, and not to overthink it too much. I am an overthinker though - I can't seem to help it. I am trying not to have any expectations, but I can't help being hopeful. It has been such a painful, lonely few months and I have been craving any kind of connection with him. I think it will be even more painful to feel that on our anniversary - even more so than any other normal day. And I just don't know if I can handle more pain at the moment.

I don't even know really what we can talk about. My counsellor suggested that we should have some ground rules - things that we should avoid talking about

I can't talk about the past because this tends to upset him and everything about our past together seems tainted by his negativity if we talk about it - and I don't really want to ruin all of our memories together! I can't talk about the future either because this seems so confused to him. He doesn't seem to like talking about future plans - even positive things like holidays. I can't really even talk about the present because he's so miserable. What can we talk about?

Can anyone give me advice on how to look forward to this day and not dread it? How do I deal with the inevitable disappointment?

[815]

Hi Zozza,

Happy Wedding Anniversary! I know you might not feel so happy today. But please find hope in the fact that he still wants to go out to dinner. I know it will be hard, considering all the things that he has said. I am like you. I am an over thinker even at the best of times! However I really think you should try to take his lead on this, and not overthink it as he has said. I think maybe you should just try not to expect anything from him. However maybe let him lead or initiate the conversation, if any. I think just the two of you being together, maybe even in awkward silence would be better than not being together?

I really don't know either to be honest. But I really hope you guys can enjoy a couple of hours together and it will be OK.