How do you have faith in your marriage when your partner has depression?

[Zozza]

My husband has been recently diagnosed with major depressive disorder. The depression started about mid year, during the second lockdown (we live in Melbourne and are both teachers).

We have been together for nearly 22 years and married for 12. We have two beautiful boys. We bought a house 18 months ago and we were very happy. I was very happy. Then 2020 came long...and everything changed.

Our relationship with each other has really suffered. We argue now more than we ever have. He has become distant and unreachable. He does not seem to have any love for me right now. I think our issues are heightened by being in lockdown and both working from home. We had no escape from each other and our working and personal lives became blurred.

I know he is questioning the relationship. I want to believe that our marriage is not the cause of his depression, but it's really hard for me not to worry that I am the problem. Or that our relationship is the problem. I know that it is much more complex than that and that his depression isn't necessarily rooted in any one thing in particular. I want to believe that his depression is actually probably the main cause of our current marital problems, but it is so hard to have faith when he can't give me any reassurance that he will ever feel for me what he used to feel.

I need to know how you can stand by your partner through all of this and still believe that deep down inside of them they still love and want you. Loving someone who is depressed is the hardest thing I have ever done but I would be prepared to go to hell and back with him if I knew that at the end of all of this he will love me and want me and be by my side. The fear of losing him is making it so much harder for me to be the person he needs right now. How do I believe that we are still true soul mates if he can't?

It is the hardest thing for me because I love him so much. He is everything to me. I love him even at his worst and on his darkest days and when he can't love me back. But I need hope that he will one day love me back.

[Janus20]

Hi Zozza,

“but I am not sure that my situation is the same. I mean every situation is different I guess.”

I definitely appreciate that our situations aren’t identical and I am also very sorry that you are going through all of this. When I read your words, ALOT of your situation, including length of relationships, kids, onset of depression of partner, selfishness of partner, them saying that they don’t feel anything, never mentioning it before, all sounded very familiar. How things evolve and how each day progresses is always going to be different between 2 different couples, I just thought I would outline my situation and what I am experiencing before trying t offer support or advise how I have dealt with some things.

Marriage Counselling can be good if both can see its value, BUT it is greatly impacted by the counsellor you see. Our first counsellor was of no use to us, caused more angst. That can set you back because one can then try a take out of it that it’s no use, counselling didn’t help. We gave it a break and then tried someone else later, which was much more suited to us. If he agrees to go, take it is a good sign.

All the counsellor we have seen always make sure you are only really looking at ourselves (me at me, W at W), I always get drilled that I am only in control of me, not of anyone else. I always struggled with this because I thought, that we were fine and nothing much had changed, so why has our world been turned upside down? How did it happen and why is it now so important that I am happy with who I am, need to look after myself and get outside interests from the marriage? To me it seemed as though they were prepping me for the “inevitable” if W decided that we were over.

“I think we had a happy marriage. He might disagree””I recognise that I have faults and that our marriage is not perfect, but I really don't feel that it was bad enough to warrant this behaviour. Or that I played such a key role in his unhappiness.”

I felt the same way, I think something changed in W at or before the time her depression took over.

Has H said anything like “what have I done with my life”, or complained about missing out on things because of the marriage or his choices in life? My W did that a lot at the start of our saga. Re-writing history to fit with her narrative that she isn’t happy and possibly never was.

That Ted Talk sound interesting, I will make sure I check it out. Thanks for sharing.

Good Luck,

Janus

[geoff]

Hello Zozza, kids don't normally like to see their parents argue, not unless it's for a specific reason because it breaks the harmony and are unsure who's side to take.

The longer he is in denial is not an effective way to realise the situation he's facing and certainly sleeping with another person is only going to make it more complicated, especially for you and the rest of the family.

This new founded love is only confusing how he actually thinks, it temporarily stops him from wanting to seek any counselling, why should he, he feels on top of the world but doesn't realise it's probably not going to last, and will then worsen how he feels.

Whether by having an affair takes him back to your courting days is short lived, but what it does create a sadness within yourself and doubles the problem.

Take care.

Geoff.

[Zozza]

Thanks Janus,

He hasn't said anything like "what have I done with my life". He doesn't feel he has missed out on anything. It's not like our parents generation - I know my mum left my dad partly because she married and had kids too young and wanted to get that back.

This is different. We came from nothing, from poverty and neglect in our own families, to success and love within our new family. We struggled hard to get to where we are and we have built a beautiful life together. I asked him whether he feels like he would prefer to have a different life, or a different wife, but he rejects that notion. It's not what he wants. But he doesn't know what he DOES want. He does think that possibly he has never really known what he wants. What he asks is - I have everything I could possibly want - why am I unhappy? I think it's a feeling that he has never really asked for what he needed. Never really thought about what what he really wanted - was always more interested in pleasing others and maintaining his own fragile self-image. He was never good at communicating - he denied some of his own true feelings and desires. He never talked about the things that bothered him but just buried them down deep. He's a self-deceiver. And this is what made him vulnerable to having an affair. Much easier to lie to the ones you love than hurt them with the truth.

He has booked in the couples counselling for us for next week. We have both spoken to her separately and I am feeling positive about it.

Perhaps I will discover down the track that I have to take more responsibility for what happened. And I do acknowledge that in order to resurrect this marriage we would both have to change the way we operate. But I am not there yet. I am so hurt by what he has done - to take the blame is just too much right now.

[Janus20]

Hi Zozza,

Congratulations on the life you guys forged together. Sorry that your H has suddenly questioned his happiness and the uncertainty of not being able to identify the cause of his unhappiness. There is definitely no point in trying to lay blame on one another, or accepting blame if it isn’t justified.

It is great that you are both willing to be seeing a counsellor and I hope you have found one that you can both engage with. An affair is a major violation of trust and is a huge thing to be able to come back from (let alone suddenly having his unhappiness thrust upon you and the confusion that no doubt brings). It will be extremely hard for H to fully engage and be honest with dealing with your relationship if he still has any contact with the other person.
As you mention, your relationship won’t be the same on the other side of this, but hopefully by working through things it can be better than ever for both of you.

Try and stay positive, try to manage the things you are in control of, try and minimise the “what if’s”, or worrying what he is up to etc. By supporting him how you can, so you can get to a position that you can find clarity in the situation is the best way forward no matter the outcome.

Janus

[Zozza]

Someone else gave me the same advice about 'dealing with what ifs when they happen' and this does help. I tend to get overwhelmed thinking about what's going to happen and how we are going to manage things. I need to focus on what's happening now.

I also read something today that I think re-iterates what I was saying before - since when is anybody responsible for the happiness of another person?

[815]

Hi Zozza,

I have been reading your updates and I just want to say how amazingly strong I think you are. What you are going through would not be easy at all and you are still holding on despite the hurt you must be going through.

It is good to hear that he has booked in relationship counselling and that you have already had a chance to talk to the counsellor individually.

These things will take time. But I do believe in time, hurt will heal. I do hope for you that you will get to heal together with your husband if that is what you want.

[815]

Hey Zozza, I was thinking about you this morning and wondering how you're doing. I hope you're OK.

[Zozza]

Hi 815,

Thanks so much for checking in with me. I am sorry I have not checked in for a while. Life has been really hard and I have been in survival mode.

I am still hurting a lot but I am surviving. I feel like I sometimes go through every stage of grief in a week - sometimes even in a single day. It's been a month now since I found out about the affair and I am proud to say that I have managed to keep working, keep active and healthy, keep my relationship with my husband (albeit in a tattered and bruised state) and keep my children alive.

My husband left yesterday to spend the week at his Nan's. Time apart is something we agreed on to help us both recover. We have done so much talking and we are exhausted. All our focus for the last month has been on the affair and our relationship and we both need to step back and have a break. I am already missing him though and feel very lonely. I've got my kids though and I think they will appreciate me having this time for them. Work has slowed down so I don't need to put them in before and after care. I can spend more time with them and they won't have to listen to us talk and argue. I may still not be 100% present for them because I am still hurting and distracted by my thoughts, but it's better than if my husband is here and I can't focus on them at all.

My husband seems to have set out on a path of self-discovery and transformation and it's hard to know where I stand in all of that. It also means I still feel as though all the focus is on him and that he is unable to really acknowledge my own pain and help me heal. So I suppose I have to focus on myself too. But that's really hard to do.

I was happy before all of this happened. I had everything I wanted. I just want my life back. I don't really want to focus on myself. I just want US back. I hate being forced to work out who I am without him. I don't want to face life without him.

[quirkywords]

Bill been there,

I have just read your post and found it honest poignant and moving.

I appreciate you taking time to share your story and support others.

Zozza I am asrry things are a struggle but it seems you have some insights into what may happem in the future.

I am glad you have support from others in this thread.

[Sweesoft]

Hi Zozza,

I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through with your marriage. This lockdown has really taken a toll on all of us. We can never be certain about the future, only what we know and feel right now.

I believe you are certain about how much you love him. I know it's hard but right now I think that's the only thing you can hold on to. Faith is rare and scary but it's what made the wonderful things possible.

Wish you well and that everything's going to work out for you in the end.