Did he fall out of love because of his depression

[Deja_Vu]

My boyfriend left me. We've been together for nearly 3 years. He was my best friend. I love him so much.
Througout 2018 he was depressed. The worst parts were in may june and novemember. We had a lovely christmas

This all started since he started talking about how he intentionally pushes people away, doesnt understand why anyone would have anything to do with him, and how he bullies people out of liking him and away from him. I told him ive noticed the ladder and i asked him if he could stop it and he said "no".
Turns out its because he doesnt want to talk with me anymore, he wants nothing to do with me and that he hasnt wanted to spend time with me for 3 to 4 months. He would have been in a bad place when he stopped liking me.

I asked him if he cares about me: "I dont really care about anything"
Asked if he cared about me as a friend: "I dont know". Asked him if he trusted me: "i guess". I asked him if keeping our relationship up was too much emotional effort and he said "yep". He said he stopped liking me. Asked him if he loved me: "I cant say i do anymore". He said he cant do anything about the fact that he doesn't love me anymore. Concerning our relationship, he tried to keep it going for aslong as he could but he cant.

He doesn't understand why im upset. He doesn't care that i'll miss him and that i dont want to loose him. He used to be adoring and caring but since christmas, he has been unsympathetic, uninterested (ik he's not cheating), critical and judgemental. I thought it was just because he was depressed (he acts like this when depressed) but he says he's happy because he doesnt care about anything anymore.

He said he only wants to talk to me and care about me when he's stoned. He smokes pot to deal with his issues temporially. When he's stoned he loves me. He's a trainwreck.
I knew him before he was depressed and we were very close friends. Sure he had issues but it was never as bad as it was in 2018. He was smart and sharp and funny. He has a bad family background. No father and the only relationships that have been modeled to him are loveless and dysfunctional. He pretty much raised himself from age 11 upwards. That might make me sound like a fixer upper but im not.

He promised me that if he misses me or wants to reconnect that he will. He promised me that if he needs me he'll reconnect. He promised that he will talk to me. Is there any hope for improvement or another relationship?
Did he fall out of love because of his issues or ?

[Deja_Vu]

I didn't mention that yet again he's been gone for two weeks.

He's said things like he only wants to talk to me at the moment because he feels good (he said that way back in feb or march). At the same time he also said that the more time he spends with me, the less he likes and loves me.
Combine that with that he took time off for self help and that i make him feel like sh*t, I can't help but worry that he's isolating himself from me because of these things. Like that the self help wasn't trying to improve his mental health but just didn't want to talk to me + being depressed. I don't know how to describe it but it makes me feel awful. It doesn't hurt my self esteem but it hurts because someone I love 100% and someone who used to love me 100% is thinking these things about me if that makes sense.

When he was happy, it was like I had the pre depression of him back. And then his self esteem tanked and then no more talking. But when he was happy he was telling me how much he loved me and he was affectionate again. He was happy with his appearance and he said that I make him happy.

In the may of last year, he cut me off because he was very depressed and he said that he was desperately trying to find a solution so it could stop so he blamed me. So he thought it was my fault but realised after a month that it wasn't my fault since he was still miserable.

[Croix]

Dear Deja Vu~

"hurts because someone I love 100% and someone who used to love me 100% is thinking these things about me"

Of curse that makes sense, I hate to say it but it seems as if that 100% love is turning into criticisms of the foundation of you relationship. If being wiht you is a negative experience now then what is in the future?

Frankly I doubt being wiht you is as he describes. It can be easy to fix blame one someone when things are not going well, and you are the closet and easiest (and most forgiving) target for that blame.

I may have said this before - if it was me the most upsetting thing is the lack of consideration and care. Disappearing regularly, expressing blame, not taking you welfare and feelings into account, but just using you as some sort of base all seem very one-sided. Blowing hot and cold keeps you on tenterhooks all the time.

Not the building blocks of a partnership - who will you rely on when things are bad?

Sorry to be blunt

Croix

[Deja_Vu]

I really do love him 100% but I think i might be burnt out. If I'm not burnt out, I'm just coping badly with the depression.

When he's happy, all the negative stuff is gone. He tells me that he can't help but like and love me. He wants to spend time with me and so on and I make him happy. I also think he's just trying to blame something and I just happen to be the person closest to him so I get the blame.

The lack of care and affection is what bothers me the most aswell. We both know it's caused by the depression and that helps me find a sort of peace if that makes sense. Like I know it's not my fault or just normal problems but its a "hey im depressed and I don't care about anything at all" thing and depression can be dealt with.

I also understand not being able to talk to people.
I know i can't rely on him when he's depressed but at least I have friends and family who would support me. But I also want him there and normal and happy and doing well.
If his depression is affecting me this significantly and I'm not even the one experiencing the depression then it'd be hell for him. One thing which is good that he's at least aware that he's depressed instead of being too scared to admit it/ in denial. I don't know how to describe it but I know what it feels like. He's accepted that it's an issue.

[Croix]

Dear Deja Vue~

He is lucky to have you there for him, it is a huge burden. At least you do not think it is your fault -which is a trap my wife fell into at the start. Knowing it is not your fault can give a degree of confidence.

Has he returned as yet?

I'm afraid I have to echo what I've said before, he has to not only accept he has depression, but actively seek help and cooperate with it, not just self-medicate with weed and disappear when he feels the need.

As for you being burned out, people do keep on going and going, eventually they get to the stage where they become ill, they lose hope, energy and motivation. You might think his absence gives you respite, however if you are worrying abut him all the time it is not helping you.

I may have asked before -what can you do for your own enjoyment, something to look forward to each day when you get up? Something that allows the mind to escape from the pressures and worries of every day?

I'm glad you have friends and family, it does make a difference not being alone

Croix

[Deja_Vu]

He hasn't returned and he'll probably be back in a week or two.
Yea I hope there is a period where it gets to a point where he's like "this is too awful I have to urgently do something. I can't keep living like this." Only he can actually do anything about it.

I am a worrier but the only thing that stops me from worrying about him and his depression is when he's in moments of clarity. But this time he's disappeared, I've been worrying less than last time. I've just been trying my best to think good positive thoughts. Plus worrying won't fix anything or help anything.

I play dungeons and dragons. I play videogames and do other stuff. It's not affecting me that badly that I need something to look forward to each day but it's still a lot for me to handle. But the stuff I listed definitely helps me escape. I do think about him alot and I worry about him and the relationship.

[Croix]

Dear Deja Vu~

I used to play D&D in a small group every week for a long time. It was great fun, not so much becuse of the spin of the dice and working out points, but by the interaction with friends, made-up stories and general good humor. I hope you have the same

Croix

[Deja_Vu]

I'm a DM but a very unexperienced one. It's definitely a blast though.

It's been 3 weeks mark. As I mentioned way back, last time he disappeared, he messaged me saying that he'll be back in a matter of days but nothing this time. He also said after he came back that the longest that he'll disappear for is 2 days and here we are. But then that's how depression works I guess. Depression doesn't look at a watch or a calendar.
What fills me with dread is wondering when he's going to come back. What if it becomes 5 weeks or 6 weeks. I'm scared of it being any longer than a month and I wish he had sent me a text or something. Knowing that its the depression and not him makes it less worse for me. I know it's only going to be a month since when stuff happens to him, they happen in month long blocks if that makes sense.

I sometimes I feel like this depression is never going to get better and that makes me want to leave him. I know there is no quick fix for depression.
But then It's something worth putting up with it. Because I really want the old him back and sometimes I get glimpses of him when he's in moments of clarity like the week before he disappeared. I am also scared that the relationship might not last.
On the flip side, I am extremely hopeful it will last and I will work towards it lasting. Usually everything works out in the end.


I think there might be an aspect of "I don't want to hurt people with my depression. I just bring everyone down and I don't want to dump my stuff on them. I just won't talk to them". Which explains him being scared of dumping stuff on me but then he doesn't seem to care at all about anyone else.
You are extremely right about the lack of care being the thing that hurts the most.

[Croix]

Dear Deja Vu~

I'm very glad you have an outlet to help you relax and take you mind off things, plus of course having the support of family and friends.

Now you did say:

"I don't want to hurt people with my depression. I just bring everyone
down and I don't want to dump my stuff on them. I just won't talk to
them"

to which I'll add that depression fills the mind so full of hapless thoughts there is no room nor the energy to deal with others, no matter how loved.

So yes people do withdraw.

But. I do know in my own case I was still concerned about my partner, and would never have caused her the distress of being away for months without at least letting her know where I was. I can see others might be different, but alternative possibilities do raise themselves in my mind.

May I ask do you in fact know where he disappears to, and with whom, each of these times?

Croix

[Deja_Vu]

Thank you, I don't know how it feels like to be depressed so I don't always understand what is going on in his mind. He's told me cares about me. And he told me last time that he disappeared since he didn't want to dump anything on me.

We don't live together but he doesn't go anywhere or with anyone when he isolates. He just wallows by himself at his place. I know where he is, he just completely isolates himself. It's not like he's disappearing to a hotel somewhere nor is he cheating. I know he is safe.
It's not a physical act of disappearing. I shouldn't have used the word "disappearing" since it's confusing.

Last time this happened, he sent me a text saying that he'd be back in a matter of days and that something happened and he's trying to fix it. If i remember correctly but it definitely said that he'd be back in a matter of days. This time I haven't gotten a text message.

[Croix]

Dear Deja Vu~

I'm glad you gave those extra details, as it was I had a sneaking suspicion he may have had a different life with others, abandoning you for them, now I see that was unfounded.

Even so extended periods on his own do not sound a desirable thing. I know from my own experience slimply trying to survive without proper help did not lead anywhere, in fact I became worse. My partner was instrumental in me finally obtaining the proper medical care, I ended up in hospital as a result, but am not suggesting that is what your BF does or does not need.

It sounds at the moment like a sort of self sustaining lifestyle - come out and be wiht you, react badly to an expanded life and retreat. I no doubt have mentioned he needs to do more and seek and cooperate wiht therapy -and maybe meds for quite some time.

Your current way of life is miserable for both of you and could be so much better. How you get him to seek help I'm not sure, you would have better ideas as you know him. What do you think?

Croix