Did he fall out of love because of his depression

[Deja_Vu]

My boyfriend left me. We've been together for nearly 3 years. He was my best friend. I love him so much.
Througout 2018 he was depressed. The worst parts were in may june and novemember. We had a lovely christmas

This all started since he started talking about how he intentionally pushes people away, doesnt understand why anyone would have anything to do with him, and how he bullies people out of liking him and away from him. I told him ive noticed the ladder and i asked him if he could stop it and he said "no".
Turns out its because he doesnt want to talk with me anymore, he wants nothing to do with me and that he hasnt wanted to spend time with me for 3 to 4 months. He would have been in a bad place when he stopped liking me.

I asked him if he cares about me: "I dont really care about anything"
Asked if he cared about me as a friend: "I dont know". Asked him if he trusted me: "i guess". I asked him if keeping our relationship up was too much emotional effort and he said "yep". He said he stopped liking me. Asked him if he loved me: "I cant say i do anymore". He said he cant do anything about the fact that he doesn't love me anymore. Concerning our relationship, he tried to keep it going for aslong as he could but he cant.

He doesn't understand why im upset. He doesn't care that i'll miss him and that i dont want to loose him. He used to be adoring and caring but since christmas, he has been unsympathetic, uninterested (ik he's not cheating), critical and judgemental. I thought it was just because he was depressed (he acts like this when depressed) but he says he's happy because he doesnt care about anything anymore.

He said he only wants to talk to me and care about me when he's stoned. He smokes pot to deal with his issues temporially. When he's stoned he loves me. He's a trainwreck.
I knew him before he was depressed and we were very close friends. Sure he had issues but it was never as bad as it was in 2018. He was smart and sharp and funny. He has a bad family background. No father and the only relationships that have been modeled to him are loveless and dysfunctional. He pretty much raised himself from age 11 upwards. That might make me sound like a fixer upper but im not.

He promised me that if he misses me or wants to reconnect that he will. He promised me that if he needs me he'll reconnect. He promised that he will talk to me. Is there any hope for improvement or another relationship?
Did he fall out of love because of his issues or ?

[Deja_Vu]

He's been gone for a month now. I have a gut feeling that he'll be back this week.
It hurts that it's been this long but I've also realised that this isn't the normal him but the severely depressed him. I know worrying and crying is a waste of energy because it won't achieve anything. I've just been getting on with life.
I know that when he's fine and happy that he'll 100% talk to me since when he's feeling that, he loves me and likes me and wants to spend time with me and I make him happy. From what I've picked up on, this is the worst incarnation of his depression.

An issue with him getting help is that he doesn't care about anyone or anything therefore he can't care to do anything about it. At least it's an improvement on not wanting to accept he's depressed.

He probably won't end up in hospital because he's pretty scared of it but then he's also not a harm to himself or others. He also used to be scared of meds and he's alot more chill about it but nothing is happening.

[Croix]

Dear Deja Vu~

If he is not a danger to himself or others then there is less chance of hospital I guess, though it can do good sometimes even so.

I do have to admire your strenght and determination, he is very lucky to have you.

Maybe his attitude to medications and therapy will bend enough for him to start in the good times, when he is down it does not sound as if it is at all likely.

Please let us know how you are going

Croix

Croix

[TJD16]

I am in the same situation as you however my partner admits that he does love me but he needs to like or even love himself first as he is ashamed of the man he has become. It has been a very confusing time he pushes me away then comes back only to push me away again. When his life is too busy he struggles to find time for himself and feels like he is being pushed and pulled in all different directions. I suppose me wanting to be there for him has only added to the pressure he feels. He has been having dark thoughts and a lot of self hatred and he can't switch off his mind. No matter how many times I speak with him and say hey maybe go see a Dr there may be something causing you to feel like this he won't and I can't force him. I have no idea what to do. We have not had contact for a week and a half now with his latest lash out at me telling me will you just .... off. So I left his house to have no contact since. I do love him and care about him deeply however I feel if I reach out to him I will only be adding more pressure. I have spoken to some of his family briefly about his state of mind. When he goes through these stages he binge drinks heavily and I cannot be around him as we fight. The last episode this bad resulted in him getting done for DUI, cheatonf on me and breaking up for 4 months. His recent behaviours have brought back that hurt and I know I need to get past that if we have any sort of future

[Deja_Vu]

Croix,
Thank you. I will keep this updated.
So far he has been gone for a month and a week.
An issue with him starting anything in the good times is that they're short and only happen maybe once a month. In these moments of clarity, there are days where he's his old self again but the depression still comes out in other days. So he might be 50% happy and then that might derail. And then it's just 100% miserable and then he sometimes "disappears" just like he did the last 2 times he "disappeared".

I think it might be because he thinks he is unworthy or a burden. He's said hurtful things because of his depression and that might him think that "all I do is hurt others. I'm worthless and a failure". And I think the fear of hurting me might have scared him out of talking with me especially that he's said things that one of the reasons why he disappeared was because he didn't want to dump anything on me. But if he's not scared of hurting me, I know he does think he is worthless and a failure.

TJD16,
My bf has told me that it's very hard to love someone when you're miserable.
I think my bf just like your partner is ashamed of what he's become. I don't know how he feels but he probably feels guilty.
My bf pushes against me when I suggest he should do anything about his mental health. He went to the doctor and he got a prescription and that was that. My bf has accepted he's depressed in the last few months which is good.
I'm really sorry that I can't give you advice since I'm also lost and confused. It definitely worth visiting a therapist or something in that vein.
My bf also can't switch off his mind and that's one of the reasons why he stops talking to me as he can't handle socialising with someone while the brain is going crazy.
My bf doesn't binge drink and I'm glad he hasnt touched alcohol because I'd be scared he'd end up with a drinking problem. He does smoke a lot of pot and sometimes it makes me worry but better pot than alcohol or other drugs.


I've also been realising how significantly the depression has affected his personality, his humor and interests/passions. I never noticed before since it was gradual but now everything has stagnated. His humor has stagnated. Usually when you loose interests or passions, you gain some to replace them, well he hasn't gained anything. He has no drive anymore. He's not full of life like he used to be. The depression has sucked everything good out of him.

[Croix]

Dear Deja Vu~

My responses will be slower for the next couple of weeks, no reflection on you whatsoever

you said

The depression has sucked everything good out of him.

Not true, at least in my case. The underlying me was masked and overlaid by depression, it was all still there, the humor, love, energy and all. Very hard for me to realize this at the time, in fact impossible. And yes, I greatly feared hurting others, dragging them down with me or condemning them to a life of misery becuse of me.

So I think you have a pretty sensible grasp of his thought processes, it is simply getting treatment that is the tumbling block

Croix

[Deja_Vu]

No worries,

I still can't help but feeling hurt. I know he's isolating himself since he's severly depressed but it makes me feel like he is ignoring me and that makes me feel hurt and betrayed. I know he's not doing it with maelovent intent and that the non depressed version of him would never act this way and if he were happy, he'd come right back and want me in his life again. I feel like I'm missing out on valuable time with him but there is no time to miss since he's severly depressed but his birthday is coming up and our anniversary is coming up and he's going to get his first tattoo and I'd like to be in his life around then. I am scared that it is going to become 2 months or 3 months but I can't do anything about it.

I know he's not doing this with bad intentions and I have a rational understanding of whats going on. Last time this happened, there was a text saying he'll be around again in a few days but this time there hasnt been and its nearly been a month and a half. I'm scared that this could drag out even longer. I still don't have a rational understanding of why I make him feel like shit apart from "don't take it personally, that's just the depression speaking". I know i'm not a toxic person because I'm just a normal person and he says I'm a sweetheart when he's happy.
Even though what I just wrote about sounds miserable, I've been doing alright and I've been doing pretty good. I just needed a little vent.

What i said with the sucked out part, it was bad wording. But you're right. It's like a big smothering blanket on the good stuff, the good stuff is still there but its so smothered it seems like its gone. And then you stand up and the blanket falls off and then voila the good stuff again and he's happy again. Then the blanket is back for another few weeks.

If there was a button I could press that could get him treatment or make him do something about, i'd press it. I genuinely don't know if anything is going to happen with the treatment. I just want him to be happy and alright.

I also can't help but worrying that he is doing this in an attempt to end the relationship via ghosting. I highly doubt he's doing it. Even if he is doing it (he's done it before and only when depressed), I know he's going to come back when he's not depressed anymore. And that he'll love me again and everything will be alright.

[Croix]

Dear Deja Vu~

Perhaps I misunderstand but it seems to me you are too accepting. You understand the process and I agree, it does not sound like ghosting.

When depression had me in its grip there was no room in my my mind for anything other than the depressive thoughts, and any intrusion on them was an overload, and met often -sadly -by anger, or else by putting the person off, wihtdrawing.

You have been together for over three years now I think, and he has spent a sizable proportion of that time withdrawn and away. Unfortunately there does not seem to be any light at the end of the tunnel.

True, there are good times, and this is what you are hopeing for when he is away, but to think that when he does return those good times will -this time - last is probably not very realistic.

He really does need competent medical help to get out of this seemingly permanent cycle and all I can do is ask you waht you think might have the most chance of doing this?

Croix

[Deja_Vu]

Yea sometimes I think there is no light but other times I am very optimistic about it. I guess thinking positive stuff about it makes it seem less hopeless since as you said, It's a permanent cycle. Rationally I know its a permanent cycle and it can't stop randomly overnight. But thinking thoughts along the lines of "everything is going to be okay in the end, don't worry" are better thoughts that I'd rather be thinking instead of doom and gloom thoughts.
I know that when he has these moments of clarity that they won't last.

What would break the cycle would be therapy or therapy + meds. Something has to happen for both of our sakes. Hopefully it just passes naturally or something but I doubt it. I really doubt it.

[Deja_Vu]

Me and my boyfriend use a messaging application called discord. Before this all happened we had mutal friends on it (it has a tab that shows mutual friends).
And then he decided to unfriend me (so I couldn't contact him) and then friended me back again a day later. A week or two after this happened, I realised we had no mutual friends.
I can only speculate but he probably unfriended everyone in a fit of depression (thats bad wording). So cut everyone off but then realised later that it was a bad idea. At least it's nice knowing that he wants to talk to me in the future or something.

Also there is probably an aspect to this isolation which is isolating himself from me during his normal depression (which is already pretty bad) instead of just his bad depression.
He told me last time that it was because he was scared of hurting me so he probably thinks that "oh yea I'm helping DejaVu by isolating myself the moment my depression crops up because all I do is hurt him" and then combine that with normal isolation from depression. When you're depressed, you can't really maintain relationships.

Also a friend pointed out that my bf has probably always been depressed but it was just waxing and waning in severity. She's probably right. Honestly there were signs that he was going to tank like this but then hindsight is 2020. And he alluded to some stuff before we were friends and before the relationship. I never pried. These issues have only cropped up last year and this year. Before that he was full of life, happy, bubbly and only with self esteem issues.

But what hurts is that he never has anything to say to me. I assume its never an issue when he's happy since then everything is amazing and good and happy again. But I can't help but worrying. When he's back to normal, he wants me around, he likes me, he loves me, he wants to spend time with me.
Sometimes I worry he's ghosting me but no one goes from being loving and caring and wanting to spend time with someone to being miserable and then not talking to that person in a span of three days without there being something going on.
It's hitting the 3 month mark at the end of this month. I really don't want it to become 4 months but sometimes that's just how the cookie crumbles.

[Croix]

Dear Deja Vu~

I think I've already mentioned you have a pretty good grasp of the situation, and from what you say ghosting does not appear likely.

I do however have hesitations over your words:

thinking thoughts along the lines of "everything is going to be okay in
the end, don't worry" are better thoughts that I'd rather be thinking
instead of doom and gloom thoughts.

Frankly that is looking at thngs as being only one of two possibilities, the good and the bad. There is a third, that he receives adequate treatment, his condition is controlled and things stabilize and improve greatly.

I honestly think your just waiting is bad for both of you, medical help is the better option. How you get hm there, as I've said before, is a hard question, however it might be better to aim for that than just to aim for his return.

You did say:

When he's back to normal, he wants me around, he likes me, he loves me, he wants to spend time with me.

Well I guess that would be a time you might be able to do some persuading. If he enjoys being with you he will not want to lose that enjoyment - or return to that horrible place depression take one to.

Any possibilities?

Croix