Did he fall out of love because of his depression

[Deja_Vu]

My boyfriend left me. We've been together for nearly 3 years. He was my best friend. I love him so much.
Througout 2018 he was depressed. The worst parts were in may june and novemember. We had a lovely christmas

This all started since he started talking about how he intentionally pushes people away, doesnt understand why anyone would have anything to do with him, and how he bullies people out of liking him and away from him. I told him ive noticed the ladder and i asked him if he could stop it and he said "no".
Turns out its because he doesnt want to talk with me anymore, he wants nothing to do with me and that he hasnt wanted to spend time with me for 3 to 4 months. He would have been in a bad place when he stopped liking me.

I asked him if he cares about me: "I dont really care about anything"
Asked if he cared about me as a friend: "I dont know". Asked him if he trusted me: "i guess". I asked him if keeping our relationship up was too much emotional effort and he said "yep". He said he stopped liking me. Asked him if he loved me: "I cant say i do anymore". He said he cant do anything about the fact that he doesn't love me anymore. Concerning our relationship, he tried to keep it going for aslong as he could but he cant.

He doesn't understand why im upset. He doesn't care that i'll miss him and that i dont want to loose him. He used to be adoring and caring but since christmas, he has been unsympathetic, uninterested (ik he's not cheating), critical and judgemental. I thought it was just because he was depressed (he acts like this when depressed) but he says he's happy because he doesnt care about anything anymore.

He said he only wants to talk to me and care about me when he's stoned. He smokes pot to deal with his issues temporially. When he's stoned he loves me. He's a trainwreck.
I knew him before he was depressed and we were very close friends. Sure he had issues but it was never as bad as it was in 2018. He was smart and sharp and funny. He has a bad family background. No father and the only relationships that have been modeled to him are loveless and dysfunctional. He pretty much raised himself from age 11 upwards. That might make me sound like a fixer upper but im not.

He promised me that if he misses me or wants to reconnect that he will. He promised me that if he needs me he'll reconnect. He promised that he will talk to me. Is there any hope for improvement or another relationship?
Did he fall out of love because of his issues or ?

[PamelaR]

Hi Deja Vu and warm welcome

Things are sounding quite distressing for you at the moment. Breakups are so difficult. Especially when you still love and care for the other person. My heart goes out to you. You're not alone. There are many of us here on the forums who have experienced similar things to you.

Your question - Did he fall out of love because of his issues or ? That's a really difficult question and I think ultimately only he can talk about it. We can guess and theorise all we want, however, he is the one who made the step and needs to give you an answer.

Depression can make us do horrible things to people we care about. I'm not a health professional, but experience depression, anxiety and PTSD myself. My partner has the same disorders. We've been together now for 38 years. We both have trust issues with others, however, during the first 10 years we talked and talked about what it was we wanted from a relationship. Thank goodness we both wanted the same thing.

And often we find ourselves saying or doing things that offends the other. But we have come up with strategies to nip these in the bud. Basically - 'talk'. Bring it out in the open - what hurt me or what hurt him. We talk honestly and I think it helps. Talking this way hasn't happened over night, it's taken a long, long time. During that time we've both gone to health professionals for assistance.

Do you see anyone, e.g. health professional (psychologist or counsellor)? I find this really useful to get things out that are bugging me and I can't put a finger on it. They often can find my pain points and give me coping mechanisms.

If you aren't seeing a health professional, maybe that might be a place to start to help you?

Also, feel free to do searches on our website for threads and posts about similar situations and to join discussions if you want. You're not alone Deja Vu. Keep reaching out to us.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Deja_Vu]

Thank you it means so much to me

No i dont see a psychologist but this is the straw that broke the camels back and Im going to look for help now

Im giving him space and he's also ignoring me so i can't talk about it with him but i'll see what happens. This is the second time he's cut me off.
The first time he did it was because he thought I was the reason for his issues but started talking a month later when he realised I wasn't. He said that how he feels was different then to it is now. I dont know what that means. I love him to bits and i dont want to loose him

[white knight]

Hi Deja Vu, welcome

Soft caring words from PamelaR there.

I think you might need some insurance because the possibility of you finding a stable committed partner in this relationship seems to be slipping- hence you reaching out. Your fear is evident and I understand that fear having have 3 long term relationships fold on me all over 7 years long.

I understand you love him and care for him. The issue is, that whether or not it is his depression or other reason for him abandoning ship twice now is immaterial to you in this- he leaves and you are left holding onto - well nothing for months. That is not a good foundation for trust in communication. It doesn't display he cares for you (although he may well do), it doesn't give you hope that if he returns he can give all the reassurances he likes, you will still be in fear it will happen again.

My suggestion is because of the above you are better off mental health wise, to put this relationship aside in your mind and get on with life as a single person even though it is difficult. Meet new friends, have fun, be adventurist and above all..use distractions to the best of your ability all day right up until you are exhausted and need to sleep so you don't start thinking about him. That is your insurance because you have to protect yourself from what is more real and more likely, that it wont work out.

That advice isn't being negative to you, but a safe zone for you as his communication isn't reasonable.

Google

Beyondblue topic the significance of being reasonable

Beyondblue topic REJECTION, it's hard to swallow

Beyondblue topic does stubbornness have a place?

Beyondblue topic festering issues or moving on?

Beyondblue topic Relationship split

All of those are relevant to you. Just read the first post.

I hope that helps. Repost if you feel like it.

TonyWK

[Deja_Vu]

You're very right about the fear of it happening again. That fear has been around since yea may 2018.

Honestly i just want him back but i want pre depression him back. Back when it was pretty much a fairytale relationship without issues or worry. Just happiness and love and support. Im scared i'll never get that back.
I dont want to loose touch with him.

In a way i dont want to move on, I want to see if he'll come back but I know unless he does something about his issues (which he wont), it'll just happen again and again
I'm going to do my best to move on and distract myself, check in every few weeks and see if he's still uncaring and unloving.

His promises are the only hope i have and i know they'll only come true if he's stoned (so when he's temporarily fine) or not depressed (providing the depression is the reason why he doesnt love me anymore)

[Purple_People_Eater]

Hi Dejavu
My hubby has had depression as long as I've known him (varied from mild to severe to suicidal, currently mild), and also smokes pot to cope. We have been together over 20 years now.

At times, in our first few years, he would become very distant. With the benefit of hindsight, and lots of carer education, and peer support groups I know why.

He didn't feel safe. He had low self-esteem and didn't think he was worthy of love. And severe depression makes you withdraw from everything, including people you care about.

Unfortunately, your (ex?) boyfriend doesn't want to seek help and he is pushing you away too now.

I recommend calling Griefline https://griefline.org.au/ can help you talk through your grief at the loss of your hopes and dreams for this relationship.

Maybe when you have got past that, you can be friends again, and try and be a support person for him. If you still want to.

Good luck

PPE

[Deja_Vu]

Honestly at this point i'm thinking that im just using depression as an excuse for him just naturally falling out of love with me

My boyfriend also has low self esteem and doesn't think he's worthy of love

I'm going to get professional help since I have mild undealt with issues

I just dont know. I really don't know
I guess time will tell but he doesnt even want to have anything to do with me in the slightest and I dont know why. I know I didn't hurt him and he himself said that I helped him alot in the past years but man honestly I just don't know

[Deja_Vu]

Is there any chance of fixing the relationship

[white knight]

Hi again,

We cant say one way or the other. We can provide you with ideas and examples of our experiences but not much more. Even the threads I recommended were aimed at providing you with some knowledge.

So, armed with this, and the responses you have, its a decision for you to make. Control of yourself is harmony.

I hope you find peace of mind.

TonyWK

[Deja_Vu]

Thank you, i'll remember that

and I hope I do too