Did he fall out of love because of his depression

[Deja_Vu]

My boyfriend left me. We've been together for nearly 3 years. He was my best friend. I love him so much.
Througout 2018 he was depressed. The worst parts were in may june and novemember. We had a lovely christmas

This all started since he started talking about how he intentionally pushes people away, doesnt understand why anyone would have anything to do with him, and how he bullies people out of liking him and away from him. I told him ive noticed the ladder and i asked him if he could stop it and he said "no".
Turns out its because he doesnt want to talk with me anymore, he wants nothing to do with me and that he hasnt wanted to spend time with me for 3 to 4 months. He would have been in a bad place when he stopped liking me.

I asked him if he cares about me: "I dont really care about anything"
Asked if he cared about me as a friend: "I dont know". Asked him if he trusted me: "i guess". I asked him if keeping our relationship up was too much emotional effort and he said "yep". He said he stopped liking me. Asked him if he loved me: "I cant say i do anymore". He said he cant do anything about the fact that he doesn't love me anymore. Concerning our relationship, he tried to keep it going for aslong as he could but he cant.

He doesn't understand why im upset. He doesn't care that i'll miss him and that i dont want to loose him. He used to be adoring and caring but since christmas, he has been unsympathetic, uninterested (ik he's not cheating), critical and judgemental. I thought it was just because he was depressed (he acts like this when depressed) but he says he's happy because he doesnt care about anything anymore.

He said he only wants to talk to me and care about me when he's stoned. He smokes pot to deal with his issues temporially. When he's stoned he loves me. He's a trainwreck.
I knew him before he was depressed and we were very close friends. Sure he had issues but it was never as bad as it was in 2018. He was smart and sharp and funny. He has a bad family background. No father and the only relationships that have been modeled to him are loveless and dysfunctional. He pretty much raised himself from age 11 upwards. That might make me sound like a fixer upper but im not.

He promised me that if he misses me or wants to reconnect that he will. He promised me that if he needs me he'll reconnect. He promised that he will talk to me. Is there any hope for improvement or another relationship?
Did he fall out of love because of his issues or ?

[Deja_Vu]

I know I can't do this permanently. I will have to jump ship if nothing happens. It's been floating in my mind alot recently that I would/might have to do that in the future depending on what happens.

And I'm also scared that i'll hate him. But I don't think his issues will be permanent either (provided he deals with them)

He also said that he'll leave me alone and stop dumping his issues on me when he hits rough patches. Like leaving me alone for a day or 2 days or a few hours. That will make it alot less hard for me.

[Croix]

Dear Deja Vu~

I think you are taking a very sensible and practical view of a horrible situation

(provided he deals with them) is of course the crux of the matter. From my own experience (limited to a sample of one I must admit:) there does not need to be a 100% fix, but a reasonable improvement in a reasonable time, wiht increasing care returned and hope. He has to do this.

Also not dumping on you all the time will let you think of other things, which might be a real blessing. I hope he keeps his word.

Croix

[Deja_Vu]

I told I loved him. He told me I shouldn't bother and I asked why and he dodged it. I know the answer.

The answer is that he doesn't love me. And I know it hurts but stuff like this comes and goes with his depression

Even 50% would be real good

[Croix]

Dear Deja Vue~

I have said "I don't know why you bother to love me", or words so similar it makes no difference. This was because I genuinely did not think I was worth loving. While I do not know your husband perhaps you are drawing a hasty conclusion, one that puts you down.

My wife initially feared my conduct at home was due to her shortcomings, everything from my unhappiness though distancing and also lack of intimacy. She was wrong. She was always a positive influence.

I would be most surprised if you were not too. As for him saying he does not love you, there is a chance he was like me, not understanding himself, being too removed from himself to know anything.

Again I'm giving you my experiences, I'm only one of many, but at least you know there can be hopeful possibilities for some.

Croix

[Deja_Vu]

Im scared that when he saids that i shouldn't bother loving him its because he doesn't love me. He also doesn't think I should care about him. I know that rationally he loves me but there are periods where it's just loveless and he views me as a friend in these periods. His self esteem has completely tanked.

I don't think its my fault but that it's my duty to fix the relationship. Like im not trying to fix him but the relationship. And it's really stupid since It's clearly not going to work since he's too depressed. I'm just trying to make it work.

Listening to other people's experiences helps alot. I don't know what it's like to be depressed. Thank you for your input. It helps alot

[Croix]

Dear Deja Vu~

If I've misunderstood I apologize, however it is not your duty to 'fix' the relationship.

In my case a permanent relationship improved as a by-product of my improvement, which means of course it is the illness that has to improve first.

The best you can do is try to hold a stable platform for that improvement to take place, while looking after yourself. He has to do the taking responsibility and seeking treatment, and persevering.

I wanted to emphasize you have to be of greatest concern to yourself. It sounds selfish, it is not. Simply realistic.

Frankly I felt a lot of guilt over my treatment of my partner at the time, not because I was abusive or violent, but because of her distress. As she became aware of what were symptoms she became more confident and more able to provided that stable platform, my guilt (about that fraction of my life) became less. We both benefited.

Croix

[Deja_Vu]

It's not my duty but I want it fixed so I try to fix it but its a sisyphean task. I know the only thing that can fix it is him dealing with his depression.

I've done research and before I never thought that it was caused by depression. It's alot less distressing knowing that it's caused by depression and that it can be dealt with. Instead of it just being a naturally crumbling relationship. Sometimes I'm in denial that he's acting like this because of depression but I really hope it is just depression since then that can be fixed and I can old him back.

I've been making sure to look after myself and go on normally with my life but I can't help being distressed about it.

[Deja_Vu]

He doesn't seem to care or love me or anything. But we had a week of clarity. He didn't think he was ugly for a week. He was saying good things about himself and he was happy. He loved me and he liked me and he cared about me.

And them wham self esteem problems and now he's isolating himself. And it's worse than the isolating I talked about a month or two ago.

It reminds of pretty much a year ago where he isolated himself for a month and then the month after it was exactly like this month. For me it feels like I don't mean much to him and I feel like he doesn't view me as important enough to talk to. I know he's just depressed and when he's fine and happy that everything is affectionate and caring again.

At least I know that the only issue is the depression. When the depression buggers off, everything is great and happy again. It's not as normal as it was when he wasn't depressed but he's happy and affectionate and so on. He's also been smoking pot alot more than he used to and I find it a tiny bit worrying.

If nothing changes and there is no progress, I know that I'd have to leave him.

[Croix]

Dear Deja Vu~

Irrespective of if it is depression or simply a relationship that is not working, how long do you think you are capable of remaining on this roller-coaster?

Everyone needs stability in their lives, and constant apprehension and uncertainty is corrosive to the soul. I would think to be told one day one is loved, and the next the opposite is not a secure base to build on, it simply makes things worse- I would not know where I was -and being repeatedly told I was no longer loved would hurt so much.

For any sensitive caring person to end a relationship brings not only regret and loneliness, but guilt - which is misplaced. If you find you are faced with an impossible situation what choice do you really have?

Please don't think I'm telling you what to do, I'm not. what I am trying to do is point out that there is an inbuilt resistance to leaving built upon guilt, not a good reason to stay.

Croix

[Deja_Vu]

I wouldn't feel too much guilt. I'd just miss him alot and I love him alot. If no progress happens then i'd have to leave him. I think I might be able to do it for another 6 months or something. I don't think i'd be able to last more than a few more months but I'd probably surprise myself.

I probably won't leave him. But I have a letter written for him which is pretty much "I don't like this at all. Either the depression stays and I leave or the depression gets dealt with and I stay". I probably won't give it to him.

I know that in the long term, everything will be alright and good. I've gotten a lot better at not taking it personally