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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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DisplayName5742 Unstable Housemate - Feel Like A Prisoner In Own Home
  • replies: 5

Hello All, Currently struggling to cope due to my mentally unstable housemate. She's an alcoholic, but calls herself an "alcohol enthusiast" to soften the blow for herself. This habit drains a lot of her money and I get concerned about her ability to... View more

Hello All, Currently struggling to cope due to my mentally unstable housemate. She's an alcoholic, but calls herself an "alcohol enthusiast" to soften the blow for herself. This habit drains a lot of her money and I get concerned about her ability to pay bills and rent. Her drinking until she's drunk is very common and I don't like being around her when she's drunk. Her partner who comes around to visit occasionally is also an alcoholic. Also loves drama and victimizing herself. She has a dog, which suffers from separation anxiety. Our neighbor recently complained about the barking, and has been told by the property manager to call the local council if it doesn't improve. In the case of a Council Investigation, if it does happen, my roommate has threatened to hurt herself if the council try and take the dog away. Which left me feeling very stressed. I've now been indirectly told I need to take the dog with me if I go anywhere to prevent the dog from barking. This has resulted in me feeling responsible for anything that happens should I leave the dog at home alone for an extended period of time. There's no way I can take the dog with me to work. While it's just a hunch, I think the neighbor only complained when they did due to my housemates partner almost running over one of the neighbors kids. Can't help feeling that this wouldn't have happened if my housemates partner had put his foot on the brake, or even just eased off the accelerator. I know he didn't as he bragged about it, saying it would be "natural selection" if the kid was "dumb enough to stay in the way." The next day a complaint about the dogs barking was made. Lastly, she doesn't clean. Before moving in together she said she hates living in an untidy/dirty place. It's been a few months now and she's swept and mopped once, done the dishes maybe six times and hasn't cleaned the toilet/bathroom. Being the clean freak I am, I've been doing most of the cleaning. Finding it all really frustrating. Feel like a prisoner in my own place, chained to the dog and the sink. At a loss of what to do. I'm too scared to talk to her as I don't know how she's going to react. DisplayName5742

Miacat Living with a depressed partner for 10 years
  • replies: 3

Hi, I am new to this community and am so glad I have found you all. I guess my situation is similar to a lot of yours and I'm hoping to get some advice and perspective. I have been married to my husband for 10 years and we have a 5 year old son. My p... View more

Hi, I am new to this community and am so glad I have found you all. I guess my situation is similar to a lot of yours and I'm hoping to get some advice and perspective. I have been married to my husband for 10 years and we have a 5 year old son. My partner began showing signs of depression during our engagement, after discussing this with him he told me that he had suffered from depression on and off for the past few years and it always passed with time and it was nothing to worry about. I guess because I was young (23) and didn't have any life experience I let it slide. Seemingly he did get better quickly and we went on to marry. For the first few years we coasted along, he had a few moments here and there where he was depressed but nothing over the top. 5 years ago when we had our son, life was great. I had a good job, he had a good job and we had our new son. Slowly over the last 5 years he has been slipping into deeper and darker episodes. We saw our family doctor who prescribed him anti depressants. This worked for a while until he started to have other things go wrong in his life. All of a sudden, he couldn't see the good in anything, he hated his job, hated where we lived, hated his family and also hated that I was so happy in my job. I know hate sounds strong, but these were his words not mine. I am a very stable person and managed to keep everything coasting along ok. He drifted from job to job, always finding something or someone he hated there, and left. More often than not this left us in a bad financial position but we managed. Last August he came home from work and said he needed a break from work and wanted to leave and take some time off to regroup and retrain and work on his issues. We reworked our budget and found a way. Now 14 months down the track he is worse than ever. He signed up for a TAFE course, went to one class and never went back, he refuses to see a doctor or seek help of any sort. He spends his days on the lounge watching movies and I have to come home after working 10+ hours to a house with dishes in the sink, a unfed/unbathed child, dinner not started and the house looking like a bomb has hit it. He is aggressive but not violent. I don't know how long I can keep this up. Please help me. I feel deep down that I want to leave him, I am able to support myself and son easily, but don't want him to feel abandoned. He has no job and nowhere to go. I am not happy, and surely I deserve to be?

jtd75 I'm desperate!!! I need to help my wife
  • replies: 3

My wife has suffered depression and anxiety pretty much all of our relationship (8 years married/10 together) and I still love her dearly. In the past I've tried to get her to go for help but she won't ("they have no idea what i'm going through!!" is... View more

My wife has suffered depression and anxiety pretty much all of our relationship (8 years married/10 together) and I still love her dearly. In the past I've tried to get her to go for help but she won't ("they have no idea what i'm going through!!" is the main reason she gives). Very recently she's spiralled downward even more. She's well educated however finding it almost imposible to find a job fit for her qualifications. She's originally from overseas (China) and cultural differences don't help from time to time. This is contributing to her having an extremely low opinion of herself (hates herself). In everyday life any setback, disagreement, family hicchup with either hers or my family sends her down a very dark path. She regularly vents and says very hurtful things a lot. I've tried to be there for her (I haven't always been the best at that). It culminated tonight. She went out for a drive and when came home told me she had every intention of taking actions which could have killed her. This has shattered me. I could've lost her tonight. She's said similar before but tonight was different.....I really want to get her help. However there is almost no mental services around (far northern melbourne) plus can't get her to go. The bad part is now I'm broken too. Lost and helpless not knowing next move. I'm numb and constantly worrying. I don't want this impacting our 2 beatiful little girls and I want my wife to feel somewhat normal again. She's a great mum but she's struggling. I really need to get her (and me) to see someone. I'm trying today but don't hold much hope of her coming with me. I suppose at least if I go it's a start. But still.......I don't know.........

Rob_N Diagnosed then Divorced
  • replies: 7

My (ex)wife struggled with bi polar & ADDher whole life, but wasn't diagnosed until a month ago. Days after getting diagnosed & being put on medication our marriage ended. When we first met, as amazing as my wife was, she was timid, shy, and struggle... View more

My (ex)wife struggled with bi polar & ADDher whole life, but wasn't diagnosed until a month ago. Days after getting diagnosed & being put on medication our marriage ended. When we first met, as amazing as my wife was, she was timid, shy, and struggled communicating. I assumed she was late bloomer & as she gained experience she would thrive. As the relationship progressed her timidness and inability to communicate clearly became a problem. She also didn't keep promises, had outbursts, & struggled to apply for & keep jobs (she started off strong but would quit or get fired in a few months). I struggled & the relationship started to slip into something that felt more like a parent-child relationship. I saw so much potential and I didn't understand why she struggled to let it out. 10 months ago she fell into severe depression (self injury, suicide threats, mood swings, tantrums, shutting down, fidgeting). At first, I thought she was doing it all to hurt me and she was being selfish. I didn't understand. I cried and I could barely eat. 5 months ago, I was finally, sort of, understood and I started to fight the depression and not her (as much). I pushed her to admit her problems, to tell the nurse her problems, to be honest with the therapist. I lost myself. But, I stuck by her. At the same time, a local guy (no hs degree, bad job, bad reputation) started to pursue her. She went on & off meds she didn't like. Then I went to the nurse with her and I explained all her symptoms. The nurse said, "I had no idea! You're bi polar. I have a medication that will help you." 5 days later, I had my wife back. I could finally breathe. I was quickly falling in love w/her again. Then, I went out of town for work. On the day I was supposed to return, we spoke on the phone and she was so sweet and warm. We made plans for the holidays and for our future (she could finally envision the future again!), but sadly, I had to tell her I wouldn't make it home that night. I'd be home the next day. I came home the next night to a clean house, a dinner in the fridge, but no wife. She texted, "Don't worry I'm not breaking any promises. I'm not doing anything wrong. I just had a lot of energy. I'm feeling good and I'm just being me." She came home 6 hours later a 5AM. She had been to the big city all night with the local who was pursuing her. She didn't think she did anything wrong, but my heart was broken. Now, I'm confused, alone, and broken. Why did this happen? I fought so hard.

Pinkandblue82 Need advice to get my husband help asap
  • replies: 2

Hi i don’t even know where to start, my husband is severely depressed. He hates his life and everything including himself. the only time he is happy is when he is pretending or drunk and then gets very nasty trying to push me away tonight he kept say... View more

Hi i don’t even know where to start, my husband is severely depressed. He hates his life and everything including himself. the only time he is happy is when he is pretending or drunk and then gets very nasty trying to push me away tonight he kept saying he thinks everyday how to kill himself and wants to die i wanted to go to hospital but he refused turning it on me I have made a dr appointment for the morning but I have no idea if I can get him there his dad and sister suffer from anxiety/depression/bipolar so I think maybe it’s in the family He said I don’t love him and the kids don’t love him buts it’s not true but I can’t get him to see that no matter what I say or do how can I get through to him and get him help

Deja_Vu Did he fall out of love because of his depression
  • replies: 62

My boyfriend left me. We've been together for nearly 3 years. He was my best friend. I love him so much. Througout 2018 he was depressed. The worst parts were in may june and novemember. We had a lovely christmas This all started since he started tal... View more

My boyfriend left me. We've been together for nearly 3 years. He was my best friend. I love him so much. Througout 2018 he was depressed. The worst parts were in may june and novemember. We had a lovely christmas This all started since he started talking about how he intentionally pushes people away, doesnt understand why anyone would have anything to do with him, and how he bullies people out of liking him and away from him. I told him ive noticed the ladder and i asked him if he could stop it and he said "no". Turns out its because he doesnt want to talk with me anymore, he wants nothing to do with me and that he hasnt wanted to spend time with me for 3 to 4 months. He would have been in a bad place when he stopped liking me. I asked him if he cares about me: "I dont really care about anything" Asked if he cared about me as a friend: "I dont know". Asked him if he trusted me: "i guess". I asked him if keeping our relationship up was too much emotional effort and he said "yep". He said he stopped liking me. Asked him if he loved me: "I cant say i do anymore". He said he cant do anything about the fact that he doesn't love me anymore. Concerning our relationship, he tried to keep it going for aslong as he could but he cant. He doesn't understand why im upset. He doesn't care that i'll miss him and that i dont want to loose him. He used to be adoring and caring but since christmas, he has been unsympathetic, uninterested (ik he's not cheating), critical and judgemental. I thought it was just because he was depressed (he acts like this when depressed) but he says he's happy because he doesnt care about anything anymore. He said he only wants to talk to me and care about me when he's stoned. He smokes pot to deal with his issues temporially. When he's stoned he loves me. He's a trainwreck. I knew him before he was depressed and we were very close friends. Sure he had issues but it was never as bad as it was in 2018. He was smart and sharp and funny. He has a bad family background. No father and the only relationships that have been modeled to him are loveless and dysfunctional. He pretty much raised himself from age 11 upwards. That might make me sound like a fixer upper but im not. He promised me that if he misses me or wants to reconnect that he will. He promised me that if he needs me he'll reconnect. He promised that he will talk to me. Is there any hope for improvement or another relationship? Did he fall out of love because of his issues or ?

Johnstol Parent of a daughter with BPD
  • replies: 9

My 20 year old daughter has BPD and I am struggling. We have been dealing with this for years. She has been in a residential treatment centre 3 times and has quit every time. It’s exhausting. Utterly mentally exhausting. Does anyone struggle?

My 20 year old daughter has BPD and I am struggling. We have been dealing with this for years. She has been in a residential treatment centre 3 times and has quit every time. It’s exhausting. Utterly mentally exhausting. Does anyone struggle?

HLF My daughter said she wants to see a counsellor
  • replies: 5

Hello, I'm new here and joined because of my 21 year old daughter. She's a bit introverted, but has a few friends, has a part-time casual job, attends University and is studying a Masters of Secondary Teaching and is enjoying it. Over the last two we... View more

Hello, I'm new here and joined because of my 21 year old daughter. She's a bit introverted, but has a few friends, has a part-time casual job, attends University and is studying a Masters of Secondary Teaching and is enjoying it. Over the last two weeks she has been on placement at a high school and very much enjoyed it and got last Friday great feedback and praise from the teachers there. This all came to a head yesterday when I couldn't make a lunch date with her (she lives with my husband, myself and her brother who is a couple of years older). She went into a tirade and accused me of hating her, she feels she's an annoyance to everyone etc. She was in a very dark mood all day and I was worried so asked her what's wrong and she said some pretty confronting things about me but this is where I am confused. I am by no means a perfect mother, but she and I do a lot together - go shopping, movies, drives, spa dates, etc when she's not with her friends. I also do a lot for her to enable her to concentrate on her studies (and my husband and I do not pressure her at all), but give her the time that she needs so she doesn't get stressed as she stresses easily. So all what she said to me yesterday came as quite a shock. The night before, she went out with her friends to a bar in the City and my son and husband are certain that something happened there as before this, everything was going great. Last night when it came to a head and she saw me very upset, she said that she needs to see a counsellor and needs to talk to someone. She won't talk to me or anyone else of what's going on. We're at our wit's end and are supporting her fully, but right now she looks depressed and sullen. I have booked an appointment this Friday for her to see a lady counsellor. I would very much welcome any advice/thoughts on what is going on. Many thanks

Kate123456789 Burning feeling on skin on my back
  • replies: 1

Hey guys, look for the past 10-12 days I’ve been experiencing a burning sensation on the top of my back I’ve been to a doctor and said oh it’s nothing put QV cream on it! Look I know it’s not nothing it’s feels hot and feels like a sunburn! so moving... View more

Hey guys, look for the past 10-12 days I’ve been experiencing a burning sensation on the top of my back I’ve been to a doctor and said oh it’s nothing put QV cream on it! Look I know it’s not nothing it’s feels hot and feels like a sunburn! so moving forward I suffer from anxiety I’m 31 I think I would say I’ve had anxiety nearly all my life. Since having children I would say it’s gotten so much worse I deal with the personal torment daily I’m not sure even my partner knows how bad my anxiety gets!! I worry about the most ridiculous things and when it comes to the health of my children that’s another ball game. So going back to the start of this topic the burning sensation I am feeling I started to google 🤦🏻‍🤦🏻‍🤦🏻‍🤦🏻‍. Now I’m conceived I has MS and have 25-30 years left to live. I just want answers and I feel absolutely ridiculous that my anxiety allows me to believe the worst every single time. ive booked another appointment to the doctors tomorrow, I do know one thing the burning pain I’m not making up.

Positive_pear How to help my depressed partner ?
  • replies: 1

Hello! I am seeking advice on how to help my girlfriend, Here is a little bit about us, I’m 26 and she’s 24, we have been together for over a year and both came out of long term relationships around 2 years ago. We have known each other for 9 years a... View more

Hello! I am seeking advice on how to help my girlfriend, Here is a little bit about us, I’m 26 and she’s 24, we have been together for over a year and both came out of long term relationships around 2 years ago. We have known each other for 9 years and have had our ups and down but lately my girlfriend has gotten worse, It all started about 9 months ago when we moved in together, she has a full time job that she gets a lot of stress from despite having a kind and supporting boss, as well as studying online part time. I work full time as well and we also live in a share house. I have had major depression in the past but have been fine for years and have not regressed since. She has also had depression in the past. To sum it shortly without going into more detail, all of the stresses in my partners life has resulted in her self harming and feeing lost, alone and not wanting to live anymore, she cries her self to sleep every night and breaks down every day when she gets home saying “she can’t do it anymore”. I can see she is trying, I’m trying to be compassionate and staying positive but I’m struggling to find ways to reassure And help her. Also I am being realistic about my expectations for her in that she needs major help or a major change in her life as she is stuck in a black hole. I’d like to add we are both seeing psychologists and I found mine to be very helpful, where as she does not see hers as helpful at all. Thank you for reading