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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Kiki207 Worried about my boyfriend, parents divorce and adhd affecting him
  • replies: 6

Hi all, My boyfriend has been seeming really depressed lately, I want to help him but I'm not sure how.. He was diagnosed with ADHD as a toddler and has told me he feels trapped. He says ADHD is like lucid dreaming, he's aware of what he's doing, he ... View more

Hi all, My boyfriend has been seeming really depressed lately, I want to help him but I'm not sure how.. He was diagnosed with ADHD as a toddler and has told me he feels trapped. He says ADHD is like lucid dreaming, he's aware of what he's doing, he knows its wrong but no matter how hard he tries he cant stop. His parents divorced when he was in year 2, its really been weighing on him, especially since his dad lives in Singapore and comes to Australia twice a year for a short amount of time. He says his only memories of his parents living together was of them fighting. His sister seems to have been affected by the divorce but in the opposite way, she thinks fighting is normal and regularly starts fights with their mum, which hurts my boyfriend as well. Before he moved to my area, (late 2016-early 17) he had a planned suicide but (obviously) didnt act on it. He said it was because nothing in his life was going right and he was never happy, his parents were divorced, he was moving away from everything, his ADHD was getting worse and harder... That scared me so much.. He tells me he wishes his life was like mine - a complete fairytale family (his words), no family fights and no ADHD. I've been told that its jealousy and I should end the relationship but i love him too much to end it... I really want to help him, i just dont know how.. I got advice from a counsellor on the webchat here (thanks!!) I got advice to direct my bf to counselling or websites for mental health, I just need help on how to support him myself and as much as possible. If you can help me I would appreciate that so much -Kiki

Sandy28 My Husband is Depressed and is now struggling with an ice addiction
  • replies: 8

my husband and i have been together for 10 years and have two children. his father passed away years ago and thats when he started to struggle. hes always battled with depression since then, and has never got help to cope with it. then 3 years ago he... View more

my husband and i have been together for 10 years and have two children. his father passed away years ago and thats when he started to struggle. hes always battled with depression since then, and has never got help to cope with it. then 3 years ago he started smoking ice solid for just over a year before that addiction caused a massive rift in our relationship and almost destroyed our family, thats when he came clean about his using ice. he went cold turkey and we managed to come good again (keep in mind hes never got treatment at any stage) then a few months back, he started to change again. this time he became very skinny, on top of the usual paranoia, hes been hallucinating and he believes people are out to get him. finally after an argument he came clean about using it again. but this time it wasn't safe for him to live here and i asked him to move out, and to seek help. we have two small children, and with all the lies and strange behavior i had to protect our kids. he understood. i still love him, i just need him to get better while living somewhere else in the meantime... and while counselors and family have told me ive done the right thing by getting him to move out. i feel like i could have made it worse by doing this and am second guessing my decision, or at least how i did it i dont know.. hes now cut himself almost completely from me and the kids. hes been hanging around the people who do this drug among heavy drinking which is another problem he struggles with. i just want him to get better and come home. but i am so lost as to what to do and how to help him while also protecting our kids.

Mum6 Do I tell my daughter with BPD to move out
  • replies: 1

My husband and I don't know what to do. We have three daughter and the middle one has BPD. She is causing so many problems in the house, we have started taking the youngest to speak to someone as she is not coping with it. We only fight over the BPD ... View more

My husband and I don't know what to do. We have three daughter and the middle one has BPD. She is causing so many problems in the house, we have started taking the youngest to speak to someone as she is not coping with it. We only fight over the BPD daughter and how to deal with her. The eldest stays at boyfriends place most nights and only seems to come home to check on youngest sister. BPD daughter has been arrested and has court in March. She is doing a DBT course through headspace and complains how hard it is. She started volunteering and that last two weeks, she broke their door when storming out. We have tried so many things and nothing is ever right. I am just drained and can't cope anymore. Husband used to give into her and has now realised that doesn't work and is just losing it with her. Of course that doesn't work either. We have told her before that she need to look at moving out and it is always turned on us "so your kicking me out, do you want me living on the streets". She doesn't work, she claims she can't, but is fine going out with her friends. For some stupid reason Centrelink has put her on Disability Pension for 6 months, she is good at telling the doctors what they need to hear. I just don't think our family is going to cope much longer with her still living with us. I love her so much, I just hate who she has become with the BPD. Husband and I are finally going to see a councillor this week. We need to learn to work together when we talk to her and how to save our family.

Tigerlily87 Drug Addiction, recovery & relapses in family & friends- how to cope, support & protect myself!
  • replies: 2

Hi everyone, Im so new to this so not sure if im in the right forum (please direct me if im not!). My partner is a recovering drug addict and has had a recent slip (relapse? one time use, not sure the correct terminology). Im really struggling to pro... View more

Hi everyone, Im so new to this so not sure if im in the right forum (please direct me if im not!). My partner is a recovering drug addict and has had a recent slip (relapse? one time use, not sure the correct terminology). Im really struggling to process this, work through it, the trust thats been lost, how to support him while maintaining my own strength and not become absorbed in the situation. Its only very very recent so Im still up and down with emotions. Has anyone else had a partner go through drug addiction and recovery? I really need advice, to hear positive long term recovery stories and support- not looking for negative opinions, or advice to walk away, as at this point, its not something i want to consider but my heart is breaking....

Enochi My girlfriend's mental health is worrying me, she's breaking down quite regularly but cant seem to talk about why at all.
  • replies: 4

I've been with my girlfriend for about a year now and she's told me about having anxiety and depression which I understand because I suffer with both myself, but she seems to struggle talking about specifics in terms of what is going on in her life a... View more

I've been with my girlfriend for about a year now and she's told me about having anxiety and depression which I understand because I suffer with both myself, but she seems to struggle talking about specifics in terms of what is going on in her life and how she is feeling. The break downs tend to be soon before she has to leave my place or face a task. We spend most weekends together but lately it seems like every Sunday she gets down about facing the week ahead. She basically gets to a point where she will just be in my bed staring into space, with tears streaming down her face and when I ask her what is going on she cant find the words like there is a mental block. I hug her and try make he feel better as best I can and just sit with her but I feel quite lost with what to do. She is also currently doing her masters thesis which is super stressful and from what I can gather is very burnt out from it all. I try and be as supportive as possible but I dont really know how to help or know what to do without someone talking to me about what is going on and how they are feeling. I know she has been through some pretty major trauma in past relationships and has told me bits and pieces so I can understand why she struggles opening up to people. As someone who has been to therapy myself I really think she could benefit from it, but she struggles to talk to anyone at all (me, her friends, her family etc) about what is going on in her head and convincing her that therapy would be a good idea seems like an impossible task because she doesn't think she needs it or can afford. My current tactic is just to be there, hold her hand, give her tissues, somewhat guess what is going on inside her head and say things like "I care about you" "its ok, let it out" "when you're ready to vent Im here" etc. Does anyone have any advice on what more I could do to help support her?

alambi Advice for ways to help newly diognosed partner. BPD 1.
  • replies: 2

My partner was diognosed with Bipolar 1 about 3 months ago. It was both a sad and relieving diognosis. Since then we have had some highs (medication that appeared to cure his chronic anxiety and lift his mood) and lows (a 2hr panic attack, this first... View more

My partner was diognosed with Bipolar 1 about 3 months ago. It was both a sad and relieving diognosis. Since then we have had some highs (medication that appeared to cure his chronic anxiety and lift his mood) and lows (a 2hr panic attack, this first he has had). I want to know what others have done that works to manage bipolar and I'm particularly interested in hearing if people have had a good experience with networking groups (if they even exist). My partner is a little socially isolated and I think a group could do wonders for him to socialise more and feel more normal. Im keen to meet other people in my position. Also keen to hear of any daily practices our routines anyone encourages a family member with BPD1 to do.

Imamamanow Helping a friend whose being mentally abused by ex
  • replies: 1

Hello, could someone please offer me some resources for my beautiful friend? She has a 4 year old and is separated from dad for about 2 years. They share their son back and forth on a mutual agreement, nothing documented or put in place by law. the m... View more

Hello, could someone please offer me some resources for my beautiful friend? She has a 4 year old and is separated from dad for about 2 years. They share their son back and forth on a mutual agreement, nothing documented or put in place by law. the main concern is he's started mentally abusing her, calling her terrible names And carrying on like a teenager (sometimesin front of their son). She has reason to believe he's following her and is starting to feel unsafe. I've told her there's lots of support for people in these situations which I know there is but, I don't know where to look! I've told her to contact the police ASAP about him following her but that's all I've got... I'd like to give her some resources so she can reach out and get help to put her back in a safe spot. Can someone please share links of where I can send my friend for help on this situation? Thanks so much.

Glennis 9 year old daughter suffering anxiety
  • replies: 8

Hi A few months ago I had a happy go lucky, active and funny daughter. A few particular events sparked a few worries about her ability to cope with situations. The last two weeks of the school term she became detached and unable to understand or expl... View more

Hi A few months ago I had a happy go lucky, active and funny daughter. A few particular events sparked a few worries about her ability to cope with situations. The last two weeks of the school term she became detached and unable to understand or explain how she felt. Many new worries became part of her daily concerns- vomiting, catching a cold and she started to display OCD traits. She lost interest in food because she couldn’t decide what she wanted , she couldn’t decide what she wanted to do so she wandered around aimlessly. Before school finished I booked an appointment at the doctors for myself to explain what was happening from there an appointment for my daughter was made. We were referred to a Mental Health service. Because of the holiday break the appointment isn’t until late next week. We as a family feel that we are drowning in not knowing how to support her correctly as her symptoms are becoming overwhelming for her. She continually asks when will she get well and that she does not want to feel like this. Her emotions are like a roller coaster. We have had many conversations about how she feels, what we can do to help her through. We are oblivious to what has triggered her anxiety. We need some guidance to help all of us through these next two weeks until we have professional help

madds97 My fiance is supporting ME during depression, but I'm worried about him
  • replies: 2

Hi everyone, I'm posting in this section to get advice from other carers, I'm the one going through mental illness, but I'm worried about the effect this is having on my partner. My partner seems to be not looking after himself. I know I don't look a... View more

Hi everyone, I'm posting in this section to get advice from other carers, I'm the one going through mental illness, but I'm worried about the effect this is having on my partner. My partner seems to be not looking after himself. I know I don't look after myself at the moment - because of my mental illness, but he lately he has been neglecting self care (personal hygiene) and also not eating healthily or exercising (when he used to love the gym). I'm absolutely devastated that he is feeling like this, and I feel like its my fault. I should be able to look after myself and be okay. But I'm so depressed. And now I've made him and his life suffer terrible because of me. I've had a conversation with him about his health, and he says he feels embarrassed to go to the gym because of his current weight, and or just says that he is fine. What can I do? I want so badly for my health to improve mentally and psychically - and now I'm dragging down the one good thing in my life. I feel so guilty and hopeless.

Tarnished_Heart Living with a Narcissist
  • replies: 20

I would love to hear from others who are enduring or surviving a relationship with a narcissist. I have recognised, with the help of my psychiatrist, that I have engaged in co-dependency, try to rescue others and will often subjugate my needs in orde... View more

I would love to hear from others who are enduring or surviving a relationship with a narcissist. I have recognised, with the help of my psychiatrist, that I have engaged in co-dependency, try to rescue others and will often subjugate my needs in order to fill others needs first. Enough is Enough! I have gone through the realisation phase, disappointment, disillusionment, anger, feeling stupid and gullible and very suicidal. What is really ironic is that my partner is a psychologist. My needs are not going to be met in this relationship and I am not going to keep meeting his. Unconditional love is a great ideal, BUT only God can give it, because he is in a position of power, not need. He needs nothing in return. Human love is conditional. Enduring abuse, emotional neglect and loneliness is a form of self abuse especially while you are waiting for the 'other half' to pay a little interest in the investment you have made in him. I am trying to work out how I can save myself. Do I HAVE to leave him? Is there another way?