Depressed partner leaving a long term relationship - is it the depression or relationship?

[_-_]

My long term partner (19+ years with children) has recently been diagnosed with severe depression and thinks it would be best to move out to focus on themselves.

Up until the past few months relationship has been happy, engaging and intimate, although full time work and family has left less time than we would like to spend with each other. 

Whilst my partner has been working lots, I can see that they started to withdraw in the past couple of months and showing several physical (sleep issues, weight loss) and emotional signs (withdrawing, irritable, constantly worried, not enjoying social activities) of depression.

They also stated that they no longer feel in love with me. 

In the last month they have decided that there is not enough feelings on their side to try to salvage the relationship.

This was quite shocking, as we have always enjoyed each other, never had big arguments or a particular trigger - I thought he was simply stressed from work load and us both being busy.

They mention that they just feel numb and want to work on themselves to find out what makes them happy again. This feeling has applied to our family and social life as well.

I'm assured there is no third party and I believe them.

They don't enjoy being at home as it makes them anxious and they have withdrawn from myself and the children but have made an effort to keep things as normal as possible. 

Outwardly they are high functioning and find work to be soothing and rewarding, however they admit to masking in most other social settings.

They have recently been to a GP and been diagnosed with severe depression and some anxiety, and recently started engaging with a psychologist.

We have been openly talking about how they have been feeling for the past few weeks and there has been no animosity but it's still hard to hear as I love them deeply.

They have said that they care for me and want me to be happy, but they also want to find happiness themself. They hope to remain friends and continue to co-parent amicably.

They seem so sure, but it also seems so different and sudden.

I'm committed to supporting them and will manage as best I can.

It's hard for me to know if it's the depression that has impacted their feelings for me, or if it's genuine.

I also know that I would take them back in a heartbeat if given the chance 

[_-_]

Hello Croix,

Thanks again for the honesty and insight.

I understand your reluctance, in this case it's my partner's choice to leave so it's not really up to me to stay or go. 

As this is all quite new and the first real sign of trouble in our relationship - it's still hard to comprehend  but I do accept that things are not good.

The fact that they have said that they want to work on being friends first is a start but also very plutonic.

Family wise I am already carrying out majority of home/family care and coordination so thats not something I expect to change. Keeping busy has helped keep the unhelpful thoughts at bay.

What you say about logic makes sense. 

I think the key will be being supportive and keeping communication open and accepting this is not something that I can fix - I'm effectively along for the ride and have to see where it takes them, me and us.

Hopefully they can improve and become happier within themselves - I'm in no rush to make any big decisions, but like I said I think it will be out of my hands at this stage.

[Croix]

Dear _-_

I guess the bit that confuses is the fact he seems so sure at the moment. All I can say to that is depression filled my mind with thoughts that were not mine but symptoms, and not loving and not wanting to be with someone was part of it.

I don't think you can discuss, reason or ague with him about this, you have the right idea, be supportive and wait. 

That is very hard, and although he is hte one moving away my hesitation in talking about my partner staying still applies. Unless matters change at some stage you will have to say it is not worth trying to be supportive as there is no response and will want a change for you own sake -natural and understandable.

I agree, work, domestic or otherwise, can be a good distraction and even make you feel you have accomplished things.

Croix

[therising]

Hi _-_

I feel for you so greatly as your partner struggles to make sense of the best way forward for himself, under such incredibly challenging circumstances. Whether expressed in marriage vows or the vows are there yet unspoken, 'In sickness and in health' is something that we tend not to see covering mental health issues. Such issues can test the strongest of relationships. Whether mental health issues end a relationship or a break from the relationship is what is needed (a time out to make better sense of things, before returning) can depend on a number of factors. I think it partly depends on what kind of depression is being faced.

As a 54yo gal who's faced periods in depression since my late teens, I've found there can be depressions of mental origin, physical origin and soulful/soul destroying or natural origin. With a combo, what can begin as largely mental can go on to impact the other 2 areas. For example, if our beliefs, perception, inner dialogue etc come to be depressing, eventually they can impact us physically (chemically), which can then go on to produce a soul destroying set of feelings and experiences. Same with physical origin: A deeply depressing level of physical exhaustion, B12 deficiency or sleep apnea can change the way we think about life and feel life. While it can be easy at times to see how things have played out in hindsight, when we're in the thick of a depression, it can feel impossible to make sense of. No answers or significant revelations only adds to the depression. I'm wondering whether your partner has been able to make any sense of how his depression began or what has led to it. Looking back, are you able to make some sense of it?

With me being married to the same guy for just over 2 decades, I can say (through my own experience) that a long term relationship in itself can come with many challenges. There can be the challenge for it not to be completely comfortable, safe, predictable. While elements of comfort, safety and predictability are incredibly important and grounding, if too grounding they can stop us from getting high (getting off the ground). We all thrive on getting high occasionally, in natural and healthy ways. A serious lack of getting off the ground or a lack of getting high, in natural and healthy ways, can eventually lead to an underground experience (aka 'a depression'). 

[_-_]

Hello tr,

Thanks for taking the time to respond.

I'm certainly here for the long term and hoping to be a stable support whilst my partner works through their depression and anxiety. 

My aim is to remain for as long as they need, as we will always be connected by our children regardless.

Reducing the impact on our children's life is the common goal.

As to the origin of the depression, from my point of view I thought it was ongoing work and stress related as they would regularly work 50+ hrs/wk in a highly responsible position (that they do well at and enjoy) for the past 18+ months that was impacting their physical and mental health.

They have since told me that they feel it was their feelings of anxiety due to our relationship and family/home life that has led to the depression.

It's tricky for me to understand, as our relationship appeared good, home life does not seem particularly stressful aside from regular family school/work/activities which I primarily co-ordinate and carry out due to their workload. I also work full time.

There were no obvious warning signs of distress or unsettled behaviour until about 2 months ago.

We have continued coexisting peacefully since they have told me they do not love me, however they still care for me and want to be part of our family life moving forward 

I appreciate that my partner doesn't likely have the answers as they are still working through it - however they are confident in how they feel.

This is also hard for me to understand, with depression often impacting on thoughts and feelings. I have told them that I accept how they feel and respect their wishes - after many conversations I am not trying to change their mind and they see no future with me and no interest in attending counselling together.

Whilst our relationship has been relatively comfortable, it has come with its own challenges and goals that we have worked towards. My partner loves to challenge themself, whilst I am more level and less adventurous. With that in mind, it has never stopped them pursuing and achieving their goals with my full support.

For myself, I want to see how the treatment goes. Once they have the anxiety and depression managed and are functioning well again, if they still have no feelings of love towards me it will be time to let go.

[therising]

Your partner is definitely blessed to have you in their life, someone so compassionate, understanding and supportive. With your own challenges, under the circumstances, you still remain deeply thoughtful towards them and their needs.

Sometimes I think we're not always conscious of what stresses us and/or depresses us until we're led to become more conscious. Hopefully the psychologist will be able to lead your partner to become fully conscious of what's caused them to feel the way they do. Then your partner will be able to share the reasons with you. Until you're able to make greater sense of things, it remains so important that you look after your self. Given how unique the circumstances are (ones you've never faced before), there may need to be some new ways included when it comes to self care. Whether you need to speak to someone as well, in order to navigate your way through this part of your life, could be worth keeping in the back of your mind for future reference. It can definitely be so hard to navigate new and intensely challenging territory without a really good guide.

[randomxx]

Hi there op, and very sorry about how things have panned out.

But , l admire the hell out of you for thinking of your kids and your h and your life together , the family, all of it, l really do. So many just quit and walk away at times like this and it's all just lost , and 10x even sadder for their kids and the family side of it. l think , seen actually, that tides can turn back later on , if we just don't give up - or maybe they don't not saying they will, but l've seen it and in other cases, like mine for example, if only they could've held on. She just gave up thinking what she is now and feeling , depression and anxiety , was her doom, but l've watched all her waves for yrs and in her case it can turn as quickly as it can start, she just can't see it but next minute she'd be on phone everyday she loves me and ra ra as if nothing happened,  until the next time.

Really hoping in your case, maybe with the space but at the same time your hanging in there, he does turn, if that's what you'd like bc 6mths, 12 , he may well do.

Sounds as if he was still playing the part and covering in the family and marriage but while on the inside this stuffs been going on.

lt could even be the rut that we get into , the trappings and striving, the constant trying,  of being at it 20yrs, maybe with some time, a break, well, l hope for you all anyway.

All the best.

rx

[_-_]

Hello TR and RX,

I think it will help me to know that if I have tried my best and done everything I can then I hopefully won't look back with regrets.

My partner is an amazing person that I have shared half of my life with so I want to give it every chance.

I hope that this approach will also help our kids if we are working together where possible. In this instance no one has done anything wrong (which in some ways makes it harder to understand), so there shouldn't be any blame just because someone no longer feels the same. 

If the relationship fades away then I hope it happens gracefully and respectfully.

I've told my partner that I hope to be supportive until they have recovered and feel better (or as long as they feel comfortable with me). If nothing has changed between us by then we will move on to the permanent changes.

I know it's not about me, but it's hard not to take it personally when there is not one thing about myself to make them want to try to work on our relationship. They tell me they don't hate me, they care for me, am still attracted to me, say I'm an amazing mum and respect me but all of a sudden can't imagine living with me anymore. They know I still love them but its a moot point.

They have told me the main reason they don't see any future, and whilst it seems to be something that could have been discussed at the time, it's apparently a deal breaker. They feel I don't let them discuss big future dreams, as I am very much an in the present type of person.

Eg I don't want to plan a massive trip to Europe when we simply don't have the funds, but they feel I dismiss the idea when we should be able to talk and plan it out. My response was along the lines of, "yeah that would be amazing, too bad we're not in that budget right now. This time next year we should be in a better position to plan and book".

I think this is something that we could have talked about more, and if I knew they felt this strongly I would have definitely talked through and planned it - but this is the point they keep coming back to.

Obviously it makes sense to them, but I find it hard to see the logic for this to end our relationship. I expect it's something deeper than that but thats where it's at for now - I'm guessing depression and anxiety isn't helping with decision making either.

It's a lot of soul searching from my end for what went wrong, as well as the woulda shoulda coulda. It doesn't help but it's hard to avoid.

I do have support (close friends and professional access) on hand if needed, and I will likely turn to this once we tell the children and it comes out in the open. I'm honestly dreading the questions from friends and family about what went wrong when I hardly know myself. 

I realise this is nothing to what my partner is likely going through, but it doesn't make it any easier. 

I do appreciate the kind words and support 🙂

[Croix]

Dear _-_

I'm glad you have support, and if and when the matter becomes something you have ot talk about it will not be as bad as you think.The main question you will be asked will of course be "why?".

I'm not at all sure the reason he gave, not planning impractical ventures, is in fact the main problem, it may just be something he says at the moment because it has just a grain of truth in it - maybe even believes it. However I'd think, from my own experence it is not something I could point at a logical reason as the cause.

A lot of times the desire for an action comes first, and later reasons are give just to rationalize it. I could fool myself that way. Again judging by my own expereince it is depression that may well be the basic cause. Whether that leads to permanent independence or not I've no idea. I certainly hope not.

In any partnership at least one person has to have their feet on the ground and see clearly what is and is not possible. It sounds like you are that person. Without that  judgment financial trouble is going ot happen so it is just as well you put the breaks on.

With that excuse  maybe he relied on dreams and when you did not join in wholeheartedly it cut off something he needed. I would very much like to take my partner back to where I grew up in North Wales, I even have the route planed out, where to stay and places to visit. However I doubt very much it will ever happen, although my partner knows my dream and discusses it  we both have a realistic idea of finances.

Maybe that's the difference, he does not take finances into account and that can be a worry. It might also make you into some sort of villain by saying 'not possible', though you really haven no choice at all.

Now I agree there is not much more you can do but wait. You are doing all the right things, please do fully use that support, there is no need to be alone.

Croix

[_-_]

Hello Croix,

I'm not sure about the reasoning either but I am quite risk adverse so tend to worry about things that could go wrong. This doesn't mean that things that my partner wants/proposes don't happen, they tell me it's more that they don't want to bring them up with me for fear of the idea being rejected.

My partner is quite financially aware but I guess they like to consider future dreams which is sometimes hard for me to process at the present time if the conditions don't seem right.

The interesting thing is a lot of the ideas I haven't supported have happened anyway, eg new shed build, caravan purchase etc. These ventures have all worked out fine and I have since agreed that they were a good idea and told them that I'm glad that they went through with it.

For now they are whole heartedly involved in their work (which is quite busy and approaching peak season) and waiting for the opportunity to move out once we have told the children. It's hard for me to see them so eager to go.

I've encouraged them to speak with some close friends if they would like to, but they feel that our friends won't understand.

They mentioned this week that it's going to look like they are just walking away and giving up - which is effectively what I thought they were doing, so that was a bit confusing.

I mentioned again if they would like to go to counselling or attempt to work on our relationship, but I was quickly told no and that they have already told me this.

They still maintain that it was our relationship that has led to the depression so they are just looking to move out and focus on themselves.

We continue to get along and communicate, and to the outside world all probably looks quite normal.

In some ways it feels like I'm giving up by letting this all happen and not trying to stop them but I'm not sure what else to do.

They are still seeing a psychologist so I will need to trust the process and wait and see.

[randomxx]

l dunno op , l see a few things going on but end of day l see a woman trying to save things and as l said admire the hell out of that huge hug.

This won't be of much help but maybe toward some understanding at least but us fellas really hold back in marriage. We're more go at it singlely and it's built up over time that he wants to do things his way for awhile now. Women don't usually understand this stuff bc they see things the way they do stuff and so they think all is normal for him to but l can see he has yrs of build up in wanting to do stuff you don't see practical or doable. lt's just one angle but l see it and know all about it myself too from my own marriage and later gf partner.

She said l couldn't go off caravaning for a yr or two or for however long l want , she said how this how that, yet here l am a few mths now and loving it. l only left bc she'd pretty well dumped us anyway and so l thought ok l'm doing what l've wanted to do then. But we're still in touch and she can't even comprehend why or how l'm doing it now when l always told her if we split and l end up single then this is what l'm doing and now l am. l think he feels a bit of all that kind of thing as l said earlier l think it was in this thread, all those yrs of family marriage trying to do the right thing and probably not much of the things he might've been really wanting to do , like that caravan or a motor bike or a travel or who knows what, l think he needs to just be him for awhile by his rules.

Could be wrong about all that don't know the man butttt, it does sound that there's quite a bit of that sort of thing in there for him hovering around underneath.

At any rate, people right here at bb told me they don't believe she's being honest in saying she needs to be single bc of her depression and anxiety, one said they'd never heard of someone that truly loves the other, leaving the relationship bc of those. Well sadly turns out they were spot on , there were other things going on for her she wasn't telling me about and since we've split bc of her so called anxiety and depression , she's actually thinking of going back to Portugal and guess who's there- her ex .

l said l thought you were too sich=k to have a relationship she says oh- l still have small hope.

Well that's great, thx for wasting 6yrs of my life and allowing me to support you through all your troubles for 6 yrs- and theyw ere bigggg troubles.

So now l find l'm pretty skeptical of what he's telling you l'm sorry . But not bc of my side but as l say , the whole picture of what he's saying and between the lines that l'm seeing is just ringing bells sorry.

But you have a beautiful outlook especially for your kids and l could also be 10k off the mark too and totally wrong he might well turn round in a few mths and realize what he's lost, it does happen and it may well for him and you and your family too. l really hope it does bc you all deserve it .

rx