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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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kate.G Dealing with aggression
  • replies: 2

Hello everyone, My partner was originally diagnosed bipolar1 but now his current doctor said it is Cyclothymia. I have been with him for five years and I am thoroughly exhausted. He's so demanding and he has been behaving so aggressive lately. When t... View more

Hello everyone, My partner was originally diagnosed bipolar1 but now his current doctor said it is Cyclothymia. I have been with him for five years and I am thoroughly exhausted. He's so demanding and he has been behaving so aggressive lately. When things go wrong, he takes it all out on me and I take it to heart which makes things worse, because he says it makes him feel guilty. I try not to cry, but he scares me and I turn into a blubbering mess. He was so angry about his car today that when I had to meet him, he hung up on me when I was trying to find out where he was and I was wandering the supermarket carpark in the rain while he was in the car. Afterwards, he tells me that I'm too sensitive and that he is not angry with me, but he speaks so horribly to me and he will give me the silent treatment or become aggressive if I tell him I don't want to be spoken to that way. I really want to have a life, but I don't think that is a priority in our relationship, or at least that's how I feel at the moment. I also suffer from CPTSD from being brought up by a mother with bipolar. I don't want to leave as he says it would kill him. I think his medication isn't helping him and I need to find ways to switch off when he is winding himself up. Any advice would be appreciated

AvaM33 Seperation and divorce after cheating 3 times
  • replies: 2

My husband cheated on me 3 times. We lived for 10 years. I forgived him every time but I donot know why. He always beated me and made bruises. Divorce was always hard for me. I am in seperation process. Please help me not to come back to him. I am an... View more

My husband cheated on me 3 times. We lived for 10 years. I forgived him every time but I donot know why. He always beated me and made bruises. Divorce was always hard for me. I am in seperation process. Please help me not to come back to him. I am an immigrant and living alone.

Jemmy Feeling lost and unable to help
  • replies: 1

e been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years and for 2 of those years he has had depression and anxiety. he has a very full on job, which he loves, but takes a lot of time and energy, leaving not much time for him to have a hobby outside of work or mu... View more

e been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years and for 2 of those years he has had depression and anxiety. he has a very full on job, which he loves, but takes a lot of time and energy, leaving not much time for him to have a hobby outside of work or much time for us to spend together. he has just started seeing a psychologist, which is great because I feel like he is making steps and trying to work things out. We have a great relationship, however I’m starting to question if we will survive this process. I’m very emotional and need very open communication, where as he is quite shut off and doesn’t like to talk about his feelings. I guess I’m just at a point where I’m not sure what to do to help him or to help myself cope. I don’t really feel like my friends understand everything entirely which makes it hard to talk to them about it. i don’t really know who to talk to, I’m thinking of seeing a therapist but the cost is high and I’m not sure I can afford it. if anyone has any advice, it would be muchly appreciated!

SMER Supporting my BF and his anxiety HELP!
  • replies: 2

After some advise please! My boyfriend sinks into a terrible hole when anxiety rears its head. We don't live together, and he would prefer to SMS me only when he feels unwell. He has come a long way, by admitting how he is feeling on occasion. Howeve... View more

After some advise please! My boyfriend sinks into a terrible hole when anxiety rears its head. We don't live together, and he would prefer to SMS me only when he feels unwell. He has come a long way, by admitting how he is feeling on occasion. However, it's now been about three weeks, and he's starting to get a little abusive. I know it's coming from the anxiety and lack of self belief. It kind of feels like he's unconsciously testing me. I've not changing my behaviour the whole time, and checking in daily with a hello...not necessarily asking any questions. Sometimes I do. I figured it would gently help him to know I'm not going anywhere. The advise that would really help me....if I stop my daily msg, would that cause more anxiety issues? I've not ever encountered anxiety at this level before. I just don't want to cause him any more stress. Understanding anxiety is important to me. Our relationship broke up once before because of his anxiety management. I want to support him, because when he is healthy he's amazing.

Sheldan Help with 20 year old daughter with depression and anxiety
  • replies: 1

Hi, my daughter is 20 years old and suffers with depression and anxiety. She's had them for around four years now, and is on meds, and under a psychiatrist. We clash like crazy and can't live together so she moved into a house with a lady who was adv... View more

Hi, my daughter is 20 years old and suffers with depression and anxiety. She's had them for around four years now, and is on meds, and under a psychiatrist. We clash like crazy and can't live together so she moved into a house with a lady who was advertising a room. This lasted around six weeks as my daughter managed to stress the lady out as she did with me. After moving back home with us for a couple of weeks, she said she was looking for somewhere by herself, which she found. We helped her move and get settled, but now four weeks later (today) she was put under the care of the hospital by her psychiatrist due to being emotionally unstable. She thinks it's due to her being lonely. She has nothing to do with any of her old school friends anymore, and pretty much has no one except us and a guy she's met online. She's already saying she doesn't know what she would do without him, and if he didn't see her anymore she would self harm. It's almost 5am and I've been up all night waiting for her, worrying. I'm at my wit's end with it all and don't know which way to turn. She stresses over everything, and no matter how much I try and calm her and make her understand it's not a big deal, it makes no difference. I feel like the worst mum in the world because I can't help her. Does anyone know of any meet ups or something so she can maybe meet some people who are in the same boat as her? She feels like she's an outcast and worthless, and I tell her how lucky she is because we love her so much (but she tells me it's the wrong thing to say to her) and I don't know what to do. Thanks.

Trying2019 Thank you beyond blue community
  • replies: 1

I just felt the need to say thank you I may not have commented on anyone's post but felt comforted I am not alone with similar circumstances my husband has depression and anxiety and only the last few months has he been medicated for his health condi... View more

I just felt the need to say thank you I may not have commented on anyone's post but felt comforted I am not alone with similar circumstances my husband has depression and anxiety and only the last few months has he been medicated for his health conditions I was very proud of him but he hit his lowest point whilst medicated because of this it led me to the beyond blue website which helped immensely in understanding what he is struggling with and how to communicate with him without upsetting him, he is now seeing a psychologist even though I know there is no cure for what is happening to him it brings peace of mind that he is trying to manage his conditions. Thank You All so much much love to you all

Sal222 Boyfriend attempted suicide now back on Ice
  • replies: 1

Hi all, My boyfriend tried to commit suicide on the other day and was thankfully unsucessful. He has been suffering with depression and addictions for most of his life and has always struggled with suicidal thoughts. He refused to go to hospital and ... View more

Hi all, My boyfriend tried to commit suicide on the other day and was thankfully unsucessful. He has been suffering with depression and addictions for most of his life and has always struggled with suicidal thoughts. He refused to go to hospital and he says he knows he needs help but isn’t ready to get some. Since then he has been hanging out with a “friend” who he is doing ice with (has been off it for a fe months). He has barely slept or eaten since his attempt. He asked me last night for a few days apart because he says it’s what he needs. I want to give him what he needs (trying not to smother him with love ) however am terrified that something will happen as he lives alone. This “friend” keeps trying to intervene in our relationship and called me on the phone last night to tell me she thinks that me and him do need some space. I’m worried that she is manipulating him and Is using his depressed State to drive a wedge between us (she has a lot of opinions about a relationship that isn’t hers) and keeps encouraging him to do ice with her. not sure what what I should do or where I should go from here? Please send through any advice

fullsunn Friend is being abused to the point of suicide
  • replies: 1

Hi, thanks for taking the time to read this post. My apologies if this is in the wrong topic or anything like that !! My friend has been emotionally abused by his father for most of his life. I only just found this out last year, but in the last six ... View more

Hi, thanks for taking the time to read this post. My apologies if this is in the wrong topic or anything like that !! My friend has been emotionally abused by his father for most of his life. I only just found this out last year, but in the last six months or so, the abuse had gone from tolerable for him to soul-crushing. I won’t go into details, but it’s bad. He’s being manipulated and torn and it’s just awful He hates himself bc he believes all the shitty lies his father tells him and he covers it up w/ shitty millennial humour. Tonight, he told me he’d do anything to stop hurting. Like he was begging to die because he doesn’t see the point in anything. I know he was being serious and I’m scared. He doesn’t have many friends who know about his situation, and I’m just about the only person he can turn to. I really want to help him, but I’m honestly not the best person for support. I shut down sometimes, and I get really scared that on a bad day , something’s going to happen to him. We’re still minors, so professional help is pretty impossible. Plus he refuses to get help out of fear of his dad. Our school is largely not understanding of mental illnesses and the teachers are kinda useless. I keep telling him to get help and get out of there but he’s staying bc his mom and siblings are still there. The abuse is only directed at him though. Is there anything I can do to help him? Like an online therapist or an anonymous abuse support group or ?? Or should I tell our school councillors about his situation ????

Thepot Dealing with bipolar husband and his judgmental family is driving me to the edge
  • replies: 1

I am struggling severely. We are migrants (citizens now) and my husband was diagnosed with bipolar disorder 4 years ago after a few suicide attempts. Co-existing to that he has alexithymia, meaning that he is unable to interpret or display emotion co... View more

I am struggling severely. We are migrants (citizens now) and my husband was diagnosed with bipolar disorder 4 years ago after a few suicide attempts. Co-existing to that he has alexithymia, meaning that he is unable to interpret or display emotion correctly and in context. I was immediately assumed to be his carer even though I was already diagnosed with MS and in treatment for Complex PTSD. See, my mother is also bipolar with borderline personality and I was sort of "not treated well" as a child. I, therefore, had this wonderful life filled with the experience of bipolar disorder and abuse..... My husband's main trigger is his family, but as you can suspect this is also his biggest denial. Things go very well when we do not hear from them, but as his mother is very old (92) she is almost dead every now and again, which raises them up to put blame on me for his behavior. As they put it they do not believe that he is bipolar and that he "is made to act in this way by me". When he is triggered he obviously goes into a psychotic phase and takes on their personalities, blaming me for the very same things they do. And he takes out all the anger he has towards them on me. I have reached a point now where I know that I am in danger. I struggle to practice self-care. I cannot eat and struggle to sleep as I cry all the time. My brain has shut down. I want to leave but I live with the threat that he will get worse and possibly kill himself if I do that. I know that I am currently in the abused position and that I just need to get my mind right again to be able to move forward. There must be people out there who are going through this or have gone through this. I do not need patronizing advice. I need real help to get my own mind out of the gutter. I am generally a very caring person, but I struggle to care now. And that scares and hurts me. Any advice, please

berg401 Relationship breakdown
  • replies: 1

I started dating a girl about 10 months ago. She is a compassionate, intelligent and caring person. She told me she I had come from an abusive marriage, on about our 5th date. She is still being abused by her ex because they have a kid together when ... View more

I started dating a girl about 10 months ago. She is a compassionate, intelligent and caring person. She told me she I had come from an abusive marriage, on about our 5th date. She is still being abused by her ex because they have a kid together when ever I trie to talk to her when she' s upset about something she shuts down and looks terrified her dad got sick and was in hospital. She was travelling long distances . Then one day she rang me up and said “I think we should be friends” this was devastating to me. I said I don't agree worth your decision but I respect it and will support you the best I can. then one day she rang meat work, she said she was fine then she said dad died. I left work to go see how she was and took her some frozen meals . She was not coping well at all, I had never seen her so down. This was also the first time I had seen her in 2 months. The following week I txt, I would like to support you as a friend, is it ok if I come to the funeral? We didn't speak much, everyone was going up to her all day, it looked overwhelming I went there on the way home and she didn't seem to be quite herself. When I left I, she said she doesn't hug anymore. She also said no one is allowed to ask how she is and she doesn't talk about the death or anything with anyone So I decided to write a letter, In the letter I said I recognise in her some of the signs of depression that I had exhibited and that I suffered depression and was quite a few years before I sought help and I don't want to see you make the same mistake I did. I also gave her a book on ptsd and offered alternatives to counselling She has now cut me off completely, blocked me on all social media. I sent her one text on Friday and that is all. I know I wasn't the best boyfriend or friend, I made mistakes, I tried my best to be understanding and supportive. Most of the time I didn't know what to say or do. I have now also lost a friend. , I feel like I have failed both of us. I agonised about whether I should tell her or not for weeks, in the I decided that had someone done the same for me I may not have wasted so many years of my life. I chose the letter as an option because, I was anxious sharing; she doesn't handle things all that well in person I am crushed at the moment and feel worthless. I suspect she has mental challenges from past and current trauma. . I don't want her to feel abandoned, I think she needs support now more than ever.