Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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I'm lost with my BPD Husband

replies: 10

This is my first post. I very grateful for a forum where I get to release my feelings. My Husband and I have been together for nearly 18 years and he is the love of my life. I've been to numerous counselling sessions with GP, Psychiatrists, Psychologists over the time we've been together but I feel now I've finally had enough. He was diagnosed with having Borderline Personality Disorder a couple of years ago, previously diagnosed as bi-polar 2. He is on medication but that doesn't seem to make things better nor does he do the things the doctors have asked him to do. He lies to the medical professionals so they have a more positive opinion of him even though they can see right through him. Neighbours have called the Police to our house after hearing him screaming at me. Of course everything is my fault and I have never loved him. We have two girls who are scared when Dad's mood changes. He admits when he is down that he will go out of his way to hurt me just to get a rise from me. This week my car had to be towed and he lied to me so he didn't have to come and pick up me and our girls. I had to get my Father in Law to take us home. Found out 2 days later that he was at a friends house and just couldn't be bothered coming to pick us up. When is up he is so childish the girls find him hilarious but adults find him cringeworthy. I am embarrassed by the way he acts and constantly interrupting people speaking and as a result I find I don't really want to go with him anywhere or invite people to ours. I have tried to understand his condition and try and remember that he can't help this .. it's just really hurting that he treats people who don't know about his BPD one way and will go out of his way to please them yet me he treats like something he has stood in. I have heard 18 years of excuses, apologies, lies and getting blamed for everything under the sun. He has help there but just won't do anything to help himself. I don't want to spend the rest of my life living like this. I'm all alone and lost.

Confused as to how I should approach this...

replies: 2

Hi all, So I was talking to a friend of mine tonight and she told me some things that I’m a little conflicted about. So this friend and I go to uni together and in our extended group of friends is her ex as well. He is a good friend of mine too, and they’re both on good terms now too. So she told me tonight that I couldn’t tell anyone or say anything but that he has been having a really hard time and is really depressed at the moment. He lost one of his best friends to suicide last year and apparently hasn’t been the same since. He puts on an outward joking, happy persona - I never would have guessed he even knew what the emotion sadness was, but here he is struggling really extensively. The issue is, he doesn’t want to get help. My friend (his ex) has told him on a number of occasions to go see someone or talk to someone but he just says that his mates are enough. My friend is really worried about him and the more she told me, the more I’m worried about him as well. But he’s not really listening to her. Theyre not on the best of terms (recent split) and she is the only one he knows knows about his depression. Heres the conflict - I would love to be able to help him or even just talk to him, but we’re not that close. We never talk for the sake of talking. I don’t even know how I would begin to address the conversation. Is it even my place? I mean in theory, I shouldn’t even know - I only do because my friend was getting really anxious holding all of this any advice would be appreciated, A

10yr Old Boy Struggles - he cant join the party

replies: 2

Hello... Am I over worrying? My healthy, happy, active, smart 10yr old boys seems to struggle with meeting new kids. I recently took him to his mates birthday party and when we arrived my son saw at least 5 boys he didn't know. He instantly expressed he was feeling nervous but he NEVER joined in on the party. He goes quiet, doesn't like constant questions and basically will not articulate why he will not join in. This particular party was dodgeball and bubble soccer. This is not the first time this has happened. In January we went to his best mates house and the minute he saw 10 plus kids he did not know he would not participate. It was a Ninja warrior party. As a young child he was always shy around others. He seems to be a perfectionist at school. He has ALWAYS struggled with the emotion of being embarrassed. We did go and see a psychologist for 3 sessions who lead us to believe it may be performance based anxiety. In his short 10yrs of life he has had a few episodes where he will not join in. There is no panicking prior just a shutdown when he arrives. At school he has pushed a lot of boundaries. He has presented at school, he leads the reading groups , he is well liked with many friends, he joined the choir 1 year, he participates in the school production so slowly he has grown. However when he has these moments it is very public and we get a lot of attention as to "whats going on"... I know I have to deal with this attention myself and this is not his concern. We self talk, we have always shared feelings and emotions, I validate how he feels ( I am not on my A game all the time and have got cross that he opts out. eg the school holiday basketball work shop cost me $300 and he would NOT return).He will not go back to the psychologist . The last session we had he got so angry and upset (I have NEVER seem him like this) that we had the whole session at the front door outside. Tomorrow I have booked a parenting session with his psychologist to try and get ideas and get more suggestions on how I can help. I feel like I am fretting because in two years time high school is coming up and I fear he will be that kid who will scream and cry to go to school because it is filled with new kids. .Am i over worrying? He certainly does not lose sleep over it. Will maturity help? I know its tough to give advice only having read this email but i just need to get it out as his mother.

Mother with long-term Bipolar and BPD - tips on breaking the abuse-reassurance cycle?

replies: 3

Hi everyone, My mother has long-term diagnosed bipolar disorder, undiagnosed borderline personality disorder. I am learning I need to break the she-abuses-me/I-reassure-her-I-love-her cycle. Earlier this year, I was living with my mother and my partner and decided I could not live with my mother's mental health and stay sane in the process. My partner and I bought a house, and I am now paying her rent. After having a house warming on Saturday night with my partner celebrating our new house (a party my mother was invited to), she sent me a long text message yesterday about how I have abandoned her and she is lonely. And me deciding not to live with her because of her mental health is actually worse because I abandoned her knowing how her mental health is. I spent so long last night crying about this message. She has emotionally abused me my entire life, but these past 18 months she has literally been sucking all of my strength. I cannot handle these situations how I used to. Everyone new interaction like this just breaks me. Because I have tried so, so hard to help her. I am tired, and my own mental health is really suffering. I am now trying to not engage with this behaviour at all. I did not respond to the message. I know what is happening, she feels abandoned and works herself up and attacks me, hoping for some kind of response. She hates my partner now - she blames him for taking me away. My question is, if I ignore these messages, how do I re-open lines of communication without acknowledging her behaviour and speaking about this. I was going to drop by her house for coffee today on my way home from work but I can't emotionally manage that (although now I feel guilty af for not doing it). I also plan to talk to my psychologist about the lines of communication - but thought I would ask what other people have found worked. Peace to you all AFx

I don't know how to help my 15 year old daughter - everything I do makes thing worse

replies: 3

We didn’t notice the fog circling around our daughter’s ankles when she was a very small child. Its fingers would curl lightly, caressing, ebbing and flowing. We mistakenly believed these tendrils originated from elsewhere – the dark influence of another child. An unloved, uncontrollable, insecure child. When the haziness came too close it was easily blown away with excuses about her quirkiness, tiredness, intensity. If we had been more observant we would have known this was her fog. We would have noticed its plumes grow bigger and stronger – always circling – always looking for a way in. When she was 15 she experienced the emotional upheaval of a best friend turned mean girl. Her friend avoided her to spend time with lighter, happier, frothier girls. It was a blow that left a gaping hole in her sense of self, and the thick clouds rushed in. Most teenage girls must navigate the brutality of their own kind. Most find enough joy in the world to blow the heaviness away and move on. Our daughter could not. Once it began to seep in, it became sticky, heavy and foul, attaching itself to every part of being. She was unable to repair the hole or blow the heaviness away. It continued to build in her, dense and immovable. It trailed her everywhere she went, now clearly visible. She became fearful of everything. For most around her, it was repellent and more and more they avoided her. Our tight embraces did little to help and with each touch the darkness seeped into our being. I am so afraid she will never experience lightness again – that she will forever find her life heavy and difficult. My terror is that it becomes too heavy. I am used to being able to fix things with a wise word, strong embrace or setting parental boundaries. None of these work. Each solution I frantically put in place seems to open up a hole elsewhere, allowing more fog to permeate through her being. I don’t know how to help. Please, please please – how can I help.

How do I help my 17yo daughter?

replies: 10

Hello everyone, I have just joined this community in the hope on finding other parents in the same boat as me that can offer support, suggestions or the alike on how I can be a better mother & provide better support for my daughter. I apologise for the novel I am about to write - I hope you all understand it About her: She is 17 years old, finishing her final year of high school with plans to go to uni. She suffers from anxiety (runs on my mother’s side of the family). She works part time at a fat food outlet, has a group of nice friends, a lovely boyfriend and is very social and enjoys going out and living life. However, she can not sleep away from home without us (mum & dad) and I don’t know what to do!! We only picked this up a few years ago but looking back on her childhood she has always had it. She has never been able to sleep away from home without us, whenever she tried as a youngster she would become sick and physically vomit, at that stage I just thought she was sick but now know she was that anxious she couldn’t cope. Fast forward to her teen years, she is still the same. The only time in the last 2 years she has stayed away from home and us was for an overnight school retreat, she didn’t sleep much if at all but she made it through the new night which I was proud of. She has missed out on so much - sleepovers with friends, school excursions, camping trips etc. & now we are coming to the end of her schooling where everyone is talking Schoolies, moving away or going to Uni which is going to be a huge struggle for her. We live in a regional town where schoolie celebrations take place so I’m not worried about that but it’s talk of going to uni which is making things harder, she doesn’t have a lot of options - it’s either a 3 or 2hr drive from home as the city is a no go in her eyes. Plus none of her friends are going so wherever she goes she will have to do this pretty much alone (excluding the support from myself). We have been to psychologists, doctors, hypnotherapists & tried natural remedies but nothing has been able to help her to stay away from home. Every professional that I’ve spoken to says that she needs to take the plunge and push herself to stay away at friends but to her it’s like jumping off a cliff and even the thought make her feel ill. I’m really not sure where to go now or what to do as I don’t want her missing out on a fantastic opportunity such as uni because of this. Thank you in advanced.

Supporting a teenager with depression- how do you continue their education?

replies: 14

Hi, I am caring for a teenager with depression and other parents experiencing this may relate to problems i encounter in trying to keep him engaged with school. The education process requires motivation and this is absent as part of depression. There is some understanding from teachers but they are busy and generally overlook the needs of a student that is absent. A student with a physical illness will get sympathy, phone calls about how they are, cards from the tute groups, facebook posts saying " get well" . A student with depression is ignored ( my experience anyway) . Maybe unable to explain to teachers and other students why they are absent or not able to get work done because of the stigma attached to mental health illness. Meanwhile, life is busy for teenagers, the expectation is they progress through school years, participate in sport, attend parties and have lots of friends. Also that they will know what they are going to do on leaving school, be able to select subjects and plan career pathways. So the teenager that is unwell with depression is left out, left behind and deals with reminders of this exclusion from social media, ignorant teachers and even extended family who might ask something simple like " are you going to the formal, what are you going to do when you finish school, do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend? ". So I feel sad for what my teenage child is missing and feel angry at times that our school is ignorant of his needs. i don't know that there is a solution but if you have read this, thanks for "listening" .

Worried for a loved one

replies: 1

Hi everyone. Someone I love dearly is struggling with life, she has for years but the last 5 have been getting gradually harder for her, she’s in her early 20’s and has been self harming for years, she cries regularly on a daily basis and leaving the house is almost impossible lately. she has just quit her job as she can’t handle her crippling depression and anxiety, she has dropped out of tafe for the same reason, she’s now going to be cut off Centrelink because she can’t work or study. She has been trying to find a psych to talk to but they either move or she gets hand balled to someone else, there’s been no one consistent and no one she trusts which is so important to her or she won’t go to appointments. she is on meds but I’m not sure how well they are working for her, does she need a gp and a psych to prescribe her meds? Ultimately she needs to see one person that she can talk to and call if she needs and to work with her meds until she finds one that works, someone who can offer her advice and knows the system, does that role exist? The less appointments with different people the better as it’s so hard for her to get to them. she has no money for rent, or at all, she can hardly leave the house, she’s surffering so much and I don’t know how to help her, I don’t know the system and how it works? How do you get Centrelink when you are crippled by anxiety? Is that a thing and what do you need to be eligible? Any advice would be great, All I want is for her not to hurt, she needs a break from stressing about money and going to work, she needs time to sort herself out and have a break from the mental strain. thankyou in advance.

Husband's OCD

replies: 4

Hi everyone Just wanting to get some advice in relation to my husband and his OCD. As some background, we have been together 10 years. He has always had OCD, but at first it didn't have a negative impact on us. The compulsions were mild and it was just something he got on with. We built a brand new house together back in 2015 and that's when our problems really started. It was again, no big deal at first. His main concerns are around household cleanliness and order, but in an effort to keep the new house looking like a display home it felt like he was forever cleaning. Our daughter came along in 2016, and things escalated from there. I had to do things like feed in the bathroom, so that milk couldn't accidentally mess up the kitchen or get on the carpet, and dirty baby clothes just got thrown away instead of being washed. We also went through a period of only feeding the now toddler outside, for fear of getting the kitchen and dining room dirty. He is now past that but instead has banned certain foods from being eaten in the house. We have also now gotten to the point of not using the oven or stove anymore because of the mess it creates and the cleaning involved afterwards. I understand the anxiety my husband faces every single day, but it is now putting a lot of strain on our relationship. For the most part my husband is good with me and doesn't expect me to go around cleaning like he does, but there must be at least one lecture a day about something I have done wrong. I am starting to feel as though I cannot do anything right and I cannot make him happy. I also worry about the effects this is having on my 2 year old. Already she loves cleaning and sorting things, and is obsessed with washing her hands, and I often wonder whether it is just because she sees her father doing it or whether she may have inherited the condition. He went through a brief stint on medication but the side effects were awful, he couldn't sleep and became depressed. The medication also only slightly lessened the anxiety, it obviously couldn't stop the obsessive thoughts. I really think that speaking to a psychologist or counsellor is the answer, but he doesn't want to do this as doesn't believe it will help. I wondered if anyone could offer any advice on how to help him, or how I can talk to him and convince him to seek more help? Thank you in advance.

Do I go home?

replies: 2

My husband stopped talking to me a week ago. This happens every now and then so I just tried letting him know I was there and giving him some space. I had a weekend trip with friends planned so I thought that would be good to give him that space. After I had left, he messaged me to say that he wasn’t handling things well but that it wasn’t me or us. He told me to continue with my trip when I said I’d come home. Now that I’m away, he continued being very short with responses until he eventually blocked me (after I said it was snowing - I was trying to keep convo light) then I noticed a large chunk of money missing from our savings account. I tried asking him about it but I was blocked. So I asked his mum if he was alright and if he was home (we live with my in laws) she said he was but that she had been concerned about him. I told her about the money and she then spoke to him. I then got an abbusive text from him and have now been told not to come home for a while and that now he does have an issue with us. He has now taken off. Did I do the right thing in telling his mum? And should I stay away as requested? I’m worried he’ll destroy our marriage before he seeks help.

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

I'm lost with my BPD Husband replies: 10

Confused as to how I should approach this... replies: 2

10yr Old Boy Struggles - he cant join the party replies: 2

Mother with long-term Bipolar and BPD - tips on breaking the abuse-reassurance cycle? replies: 3

I don't know how to help my 15 year old daughter - everything I do makes thing worse replies: 3

How do I help my 17yo daughter? replies: 10

Supporting a teenager with depression- how do you continue their education? replies: 14

Worried for a loved one replies: 1

Husband's OCD replies: 4

Do I go home? replies: 2