Troubled mind

LaineYG · ‎15-04-2023

today I woke up having serious and really strong urge to end my life.. this is probably triggered by how my life is atm... aside from having a good job that I actually love as well as having a roof over my head, I got nothing to really show for... I got no one to turn to when I’m struggling... I got no friends and have limited supports in the community. The nearest hospital to me knows me well but has been giving a subpar care coz they got a different view of me, they think I’m a joke and is making all these things up... how can I trust that they’ll do right by me when they have that idea of me... this is why I’d rather be dead now than feel like this and be related like a piece of s**t. This is probably what’s best for everyone... once it’s done and I’m gone, everyone will be relieved and have one less problem to think off...

HelloGail · ‎17-05-2023

LaineYG

How are you feeling today Wednesday 17th?
The staff at the hospital nor anybody else, are not worth ending your precious life as I've been there too, still am actually. I have no friends either, only one sister in my family to talk to but she lives in Qld. I do not want to burdern her as she has just finished cancer treatment stage 3 and is okay, they got it all but can't promise if any of the cancer (breast) cells got away, travelled but she is 79; some cancers slow to grow once your first diagnosed at such late in life.
Stay and keep enjoying your job, do you have any pets?
I know why I have no friends. I have looked back on my life of 63 years and seen I had pushed people away as a child I was grumpy a lot of the time, my older siblings all seemed to hate each other or me and our parents fought constantly, my mother attempted to end her life when I was 12, I was next door playing with my neighbour and my brother raced over to tell me, we watched as the ambulance, blood bank (1972) arrived in a marone coloured station wagon and the fire brigade, she had gassed herself but my father found her in time, she eventually lived to 82.
I use to be a painfully shy and quiet person, was a doormat, people used and walked over me a lot until age 25 I did a seld-assertive course to help me learn to say NO and it was great feeling when I first said NO to a friend you wanted me to go to a party out at Penrith. I lived on north shore and so GLAD I said no as I was told the next day by another friend that the party ended with the couple having a huge fight and they couldn't get a lift back to the north shore, they had to walk for miles in the chilly May night, no taxi's, no buses there at that time of night.

So, let's just throw our bad luck to the wind! I said that to myself on Monday, I was so emotional said aloud to myself "you were just thrown a bad fruit". I went and curled up on my bed, holding my head wanting to scream loudly but didn't want to look crazy to the other tenants so I screamed voicelessly on the bed, all my facial and body muscles tensed. It was a scream but with no sound but it worked. I would love to just let off a loud scream if I can find somewhere where no one can hear me.

I do like my own company and space but feel totally lonely and isolated, whenever I get the chance to speak to someone eg supermarket checkout person or shop keeper it is a chance for me to feel some connection. When you think about it, the SELF-SERVICE we now have in our supermarkets are lonely areas except the supermarket attendant watching us should we steal something or if the machine plays up as they ALWAYS do plus those tiny little cameras now installed in the self service supermarkets, sometimes I place a fruit sticker over it, fits perfectly. I don't like seeing my face while I am adding my groceries.
I have not worked for a very long time, competition was too hard, my GP got me onto the DSP due to me mental health decline and spinal stenosis. I miss working, did volunteer work though for years but not anymore.

Take care,

Gail🌸

therising · ‎21-05-2023

Hi LaineYG

I think it's natural to get fed up with waiting for something or someone to make a difference. Not saying what's natural is easy to manage. Sometimes what's natural (being fed up) can be enraging or depressing and it's amazing how it can take a split second to go from enraging to depressing at times. In that split second the inner dialogue can go from a raged fueled 'NO ONE AND NOTHING IS MAKING ANY GREAT DIFFERENCE TO ME. I'M FED UP!!!' to a depressing 'No one and nothing is making a difference to me. I give up'. Then there's the temptation to simply get rid of everything and everyone that's making little difference. From experience, I've found this way of thinking and action then leads to there being nothing to make even the slightest difference. So I return (turn again) to what's better than nothing at all. Better than nothing can still feel depressing. I think this has been what's led me to be a bit of an obsessive researcher. I just can't settle for what's better than nothing, I have to search for what makes a difference. Having vowed to never revisit long term depression (years of depression), I have no choice but to research anything that will possibly lead me out of a depression I find myself in. Any area of research will do - providing mental reasons and possibilities, physical (biological or chemical) ones and even soulful, natural or spiritual ones or all combined at times.

I think one of the hardest things about becoming this kind of researcher is the criticism and degradation we can face along the way. 'You think/analyse too much', 'I can't believe you're into (researching) all that sh**', 'Why can't you just get on with life?!' and on it goes. At the end of the day, the truth remains that you become one of the most conscious people you know when it comes to what it takes to raise yourself.

LaineYG · ‎24-05-2023

Such great insight therising! I can feel that it’s coming from experience… I wish I have your knowledge about things right now. It’ll be beneficial if I do., anyways, over the past few days I’ve been stressed out from the 2 cases I currently going through. The fear of the unknown is bringing up some negative thoughts and urges. Don’t really know if im able to resist the temptation by doing the skills I’ve learned from my DBT. It’s hard to concentrate and focus on those little things that I could possibly do or try to alleviate this aweful feeling., I currently on my way home with music blaring into my ears to block out the voices in my head… I wish I can make them stop so that I can move forward… I feel that this is a step back from what I’ve so far done, but even then I’ll try and remind myself that it’s okay and that it’ll be okay coz I know I’m stronger than these urges…

smallwolf · ‎24-05-2023

hello.

you said ...

Don’t really know if im able to resist the temptation by doing the skills I’ve learned from my DBT. It’s hard to concentrate and focus on those little things...

from my perspective/experience this takes time and practice and not being critical of oneself. If you can catch yourself (recognise the thoughts) that's a good start. It's like learning to ride a bike as a young child. One thing I used to do took a year to change. You will get there. I am sure.

LaineYG · ‎24-05-2023

I got thru alright from how I was feeling this morning… thanks Therising for inspiring me to keep moving forward and try to be a better version of myself… it’s such a warm feeling knowing someone does understand what I’m going through and reading through other peoples experiences… thanks everyone! I really appreciate it, you guys don’t know how much you’s are contributing to my recovery… 🙂 really appreciate it., hope it’s upward and onwards from here…

white knight · ‎24-05-2023

I'm sure everyone appreciates your words.

Re (smallwolf): "One thing I used to do took a year to change"... so right, some challenges can take a long time. Beating anxiety took me 22 years, introducing some new personal boundaries had an immediate effect. So many goals take time and can't be rushed or you place pressure on yourself. Being fair to yourself is respecting your our limitations and capabilities.

You have such a good attitude LaineYG

TonyWK

therising · ‎25-05-2023

Hi LaineYG

My thirst for knowledge and greater self understanding begin some years ago. It began with a basic goal (how to not remain in a depression) and developed into a thing of wonder. While I've managed to avoid returning to long term depression, managing shortish ones instead, my passion for knowing how I work has led me to a lot of revelations. I imagine you've had many too, when it comes to knowing yourself better. I've found it pays to write some of these revelations down, so as to revisit them as a reminder of what we've learned so far and how far we've come.

The inner dialogue, oh my goodness, how relentless can it be?! It's a shocker at times. So many different ways of viewing it. Some of what I've come across over time

'Angel on one shoulder, devil on the other' scenario. Definitely easy to pick which one's which although I've found at times it can be a little tricky. For example, just say you have the opportunity to evolve through a challenge such as going for a new job and what comes to mind is 'If you don't feel up to the interview, that okay. Don't be so hard on yourself. Some beautiful chocolate in front of Netflix while feeling a sense of peace will make you feel better. You deserve to feel better. Skip the interview and go to the next one instead'. The temptation to do what's easier, rather than face what's going to lead us to evolve can be far from divine
While some refer to the darker voices as their 'inner demons', I know of one guy who took it to a whole new level by naming his inner demon. No, not talking about possession, just simple strategising. This way he could address it and manage it as being something separate from himself ('I know what you're doing to me, you're depressing me/putting fear into me. Stop it right now!)
I found a brilliant book for managing inner dialogue is 'Insanely Gifted' by Jamie Catto. It's largely about managing the different facets of us (the child, the victim, the critic, the sage etc) while understanding how they came to be, what each one sounds like and why they exist, among other interesting things

Lot's of resources out there for understanding how to work with inner dialogue. I eventually reached the conclusion inner dialogue will be with me throughout the whole of my life, both good and bad, divine and not so divine, so I'd better work out how to manage it like a pro. How to channel or tap into the good stuff can definitely be a challenge. I've found it really does become about opening up a 2 way channel at times. I figure, if we're going to ask the sage in us for good advice, we need to be able to hear the answer that comes to mind. Easiest way to tap in is through the imagination. If you were to imagine the sage in you sitting opposite you, what would they look like and how would that sound? What would they say? At times, it pays to have a good imagination.

LaineYG · ‎25-05-2023

My inner dialogue is a mix of negative and positive but I’ve noticed that I’ve been having more of the positive dialogue lately,. With that, that’s when I know that my trajectory is towards to positive and upward… yes there’s hiccups here and there but what matters most is that what you do when you have those hiccups. I’m slowly seeing the good in life… life is slowly becoming bearable. With that it’s easy to see the good and positives in life… I will try my best to stay into this trajectory but if I get any kind of bump I will try my best to stand up and continue… it’s not the fall that matters but the fact that you get up and move on from that fall…

rubytiger · ‎25-05-2023

Hey Laine, I relate to your post about not having anyone to turn to when I'm struggling...

It's really hard for me also, I have a really difficult time with it. But in saying that, 'difficult' is probably an understatement. It's hard to not really have anyone around when you really need someone. And I wish it wasn't this way..for you as well.

I'm sorry that the hospital isn't there for you like it used to be, that's really awful.

I am always here to talk if you need someone. Sometimes all you need is one person.

smallwolf · ‎27-05-2023

Things take time: Your commitment to staying on this positive trajectory is commendable. Even if you encounter challenges or obstacles, know that you have the strength within you to stand up and keep going. Your resilience is key, and every step you take toward a brighter future matters. Embrace this newfound perspective and continue to see the good and positives in life, as it will empower you to overcome each adversity that may come your way.