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Troubled mind
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Hi LaineYG
I think because there can be so many different forms of help, the question can sometimes be 'Who exactly do I need to help me?'. Personally, I find this depends on how I'm feeling the depression I'm in. If it feels purely like a biological/chemical depression, I might start with a GP. Biological/chemical can cover some things like a depressing vitamin or mineral deficiency, depressing sleep issues (such as insomnia, sleep apnea etc). Can also cover depressing 'gut-brain axis' issues. If it feels like a psychological depression, a referral from a GP for a psychologist may be the way to go. Psychological can cover stuff like not being able to change our mind or perception, needing to better understand factors that have led us to think the way we do as well as factors that have left us psychologically scarred perhaps etc. It can be about how to manage and/or delete mental programs, while installing new ones into the 'computer' up there in our head. If it feels like natural/soulful kind of depression, personally I'll seek more so a natural or soulful kind of counsel and guidance. Natural or soulful can involve things like figuring out who we naturally are, why things can feel so soul destroying, how we feel our way through life, how to develop intuitively so as to develop a natural sense of direction etc.
I've found sometimes it can involve all 3 factors. Some people may go for a psychospiritual form of counseling and find that developing greater self understanding in 2 areas leads to the kinds of revelations that produce higher levels of dopamine and other 'happy' energetic types of chemistry (that 3rd area). Sometimes it can be about hitting the trifecta.
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That makes so much sense @therising.,
I love your insights coz of that I feel abit at ease as to how or what I should do… it doesn’t take away all the negative feelings but it does somehow alleviate atleast some of those feelings… I think that’s all I can really hope for, some relief from these issues… I got all of the possible support I can probably imagine… they do make things abit better but I feel like there’s still a void that I can’t seem to fill… what that void is ? I honestly don’t know… this morning, I sit here waiting to fall asleep with the hope of actually never waking up. I know it doesn’t solve the main issue but it’s one of those things that I cope with… so as I wait to slowly drift off to deep sleep I pray that freedom will come, I know it’s not the answer but I feel like this has to happen…
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Dear LaineYG~
The Rising as given you a great deal of sensible material to think about, and I'd agree with all of it. When you are able pondering on those points could be very helpful.
Unfortunatly when I've been depressed/suicidal I've not had the mental capacity to think clearly, my mind is loaded too full with unpleasant hopeless thoughts and self-blame.
And yes even when not in the depth of those times there was an emptiness or pointlessness that seemed a mystery - why was I someone apart - not like everyone else?
I did mention a while ago the idea of things that have pleasantly occupied or even amused you in the past. This has certainly helped me when I'm in the mood, which all by itself does not happen often enough
There was the idea of the 2 angels on your shoulders, one black one white. I guess like you my natural leaning is towards the dark one, much though I wish it was otherwise.
So how to encourage the white one?
I cant 'think' myself to have pleasant thoughts, but what I can do is put myself in a position where I become receptive to them. It is at that point the pleasant matters I mentioned before can be thought of - a sort of self- rewarding experience.
I use a fee smartphone app called Smiling Mind. It has a huge number of exercises, even for someone like me who has the concentration of a goldfish. Don't be put off because it mentions 'mindfulness' and do be prepared to practice before it comes truly effective - it took me a while.
Now after I use it there is a period of calm without the loop of dark thoughts, a tme when I am able to enjoy what I've prepared.
It helps
Croix
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Hi LaineYG
I swear I spend a good part of my life these days wondering why I'm so dysfunctional, why I can't function as well as I used to. While I'm gradually finding answers (there are a surprising number of them), I feel the overall level of dysfunction as such a heavy feeling. I imagine you're familiar with that feeling. Regarding that heavy feeling: With that light at the end of the tunnel factor, in my imagination I like to flip the tunnel sideways so it looks more like a deep well (a literal depression). While I'm capable of rising out of that well, up and out into the light, there are a number of 'sand bags' or challenges weighing me down. The challenge is to identify what each sand bag actually represents. Once identified, I can begin to release them and naturally rise as a result. Some of those sandbags - poor diet (a lack of the right chemical input), not a lot of exercise (not a lot of circulation of oxygenated blood), a lack of committing to a constructive daily routine etc. Family members' challenges can weigh me down too, if I'm helping them to the point of exhausting myself. Then there's the challenge of letting go of parts of our self that no longer serve us, along with all the mental programs that keep us down. It may sound strange but I find lately the heaviest of all those sandbags is 'a depressing lack of imagination'. I used to have a brilliant imagination and can't help but wonder what happened to it. I used to be able to see the way forward so easily but it's almost like my clear vision is kinda broken in a way.
While the imagination can't be 'broken' it sure feels that way at times. Maybe it involves being led to see nothing but challenge and hardship of some type. While I think we can spend plenty of time creating clear positive inspiring visions for others, maybe it's a matter of finding a muse like person for our self, some guiding genius, who can plant exactly the right visions into our imagination. At the very least, they could help explain why we can't see what we really need to at this point in our life.
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That’s really inspiring to read your insights @therising.
today I’m in a better head space I think I sort off in a way can identify those ‘sand bags’ but just don’t know how to release them… I’m trying not to dwell on it but will eventually unpack those ‘sand bags’ with my therapist… for now I’m focusing on hats going on right now and what’s keeping me down. I try to let go of things that sounds petty to others but big deal for me. I guess no one can really understand what I’m going thru and the hell that Im in day in and day out. I guess I try to fix the now than the past or the future problems… by doing so is keeping me in check and keeping my mental health at bay…. I SH the other day that I was out of it for over 24hrs, no one knew what I did and if it did went sideways my housemate would be the first to know as she was in the house when it all kicked in. I hope I don’t do it again but we all know that it’s highly unlikely that I would be able to stop and think… I don’t regret what I did nor was disappointed that I woke up alright after all those. I just need to figure out the next time I have those urges as to what to do and where to go for help instead of axing on it… so yea, hope it goes all well for me tonight at work…
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Hi LaineYG
Wondering if you've managed to make some sense of the SH. It can be such a complex thing. It's something I remember doing myself back in my earlier years. Back then it was something I did to 'make me happier'. Hindsight's an interesting thing. It's not a matter of 'happier', it's a matter of less sad. I think sometimes it can be a kind of 'grounding' ritual too, offering a kind of relief from intensely challenging feelings. For me, it involved those 2 factors as well as a form of self punishment, for not being good enough. As I say, it can be a complex thing, with many reasons involved. I think if we are able to find reasons that make sense to us then, technically, we see it as reasonable even though it's so harmful. Coming to know our self better while healing physically and mentally is the healthiest act of all. Can be so painstakingly hard to do, coming to know our self better.
Again, looking back, I'd say I had no idea about the concept of emotional triggers. These days though, being a real feeler, I can feel certain triggers quite easily based on being determined to get a better feel for them. Btw, these days I face a different form of SH, emotional eating to gain emotional relief. My body's not designed to carry this much weight or process a lot of the terrible chemicals I put into it. So, you could easily say it's definitely a form of SH. Never really thought about it 'til now. Definitely a need to look into self loving ways.
Such a relief when we find people who can relate to what's a trigger for us. With you mentioning what sounds petty to others, what's completely valid to us carries some emotional charge for one reason or another. Others don't feel the charge, they don't feel the kind of energy a comment, action, environment etc holds. Life's a different experience when we're around other feelers or what some call 'sensitives'. In some cases you can be the only one in the room who feels a degrading comment, while wondering why no one's reacting to it. In other cases when a degrading comment's made, all those who can feel the comment will look around to see who else can feel it too. You know when you're in the presence of people who can sense that comment when you all give each other a knowing smile and/or a raised eyebrow 🙂
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I feel what you are saying. I have thoughts of harm on occasion as well. I don’t want to die but I want my thoughts and emotions to stop.
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Today I feel worse than I was yesterday… the urge and thoughts has intensified and all I can think of is to take some pill to make it better but if I do I don’t think I’ll be able to stop with just one… I feel like I’ve gained another ‘sand bag’ that’s weighing me down terribly… I still haven’t identified all of my ‘sand bags’ but I know one of them is about my family… i missed my psychologist appointment yesterday and have ditched my carer… it is those moments that I know I’m not mentally well… i took so much yesterday that I was again asleep for over 24hrs… I felt disappointed about waking up after all those but I’m just currently telling myself that it’s good that nothing drastic happened specially when there’s someone else in the house… I need to stop doing this but just don’t know how. The things I’ve learned from my DBT seems to just mask what I’m truly feeling and is somewhat avoiding the feeling… I need to face these head on just don’t know how…
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Hi LaineYG
Over the past year and a bit, I've developed the need to know or understand every emotion I'm feeling, so I can relate to where you're coming from in relation to the masking. For me, the need to know came about as a result of facing anxiety for the first time in my life last year. I'd managed the ins and outs of depression for a decades but anxiety was completely new and I needed to know why I was experiencing it all of a sudden.
When it comes to feelings...I can feel a lack of time (with which to manage things), I can feel the tipping point when it comes to having taken on too many challenges at once, I can even feel my phone ring or the ding of a message come in ('Who needs something from me now? Can I cope with another challenge?). Whether it involves anxiety or depression, I can feel being dismissed ('You'll be right'), can feel being left alone to work things out, can feel some key people in my life express how I don't care enough (grrr). Btw, I can feel a lot of positive or peaceful things too such as an 'I did that' sense of achievement. I can feel the smell of the lemon tree my son and I planted in the back yard several years back (aromatherapy) and the sound of certain singers/music that bring me peace or increased energy.
I think if we can call an emotion or feeling what it is, we can manage it better because we know exactly what we're working with. I've actually come to relabel anxiety. I now call it hyperactivity. So the questions kind of become 'Why is my thinking suddenly hyper active, as opposed to basically active?' or 'Why has my nervous system suddenly become hyper active? What's the sudden stimulant/trigger?'. Am I feeling too much caffeine or too many demands or both? Am I feeling a threat to my sense of peace?
While we have a sense of taste, smell, sight, sound and touch, feeling is another sense that can serve us well. Most of us would not choose to go through life with a blindfold on or with earplugs in, so why would we mask our sense of feeling? I'd much prefer to become really good at it, rather than ignore it or suppress it. If I ignored it all, how would I then know who's being depressing and who's anxiety inducing? 🙂
