Troubled mind

[LaineYG]

today I woke up having serious and really strong urge to end my life.. this is probably triggered by how my life is atm... aside from having a good job that I actually love as well as having a roof over my head, I got nothing to really show for... I got no one to turn to when I’m struggling... I got no friends and have limited supports in the community. The nearest hospital to me knows me well but has been giving a subpar care coz they got a different view of me, they think I’m a joke and is making all these things up... how can I trust that they’ll do right by me when they have that idea of me... this is why I’d rather be dead now than feel like this and be related like a piece of s**t. This is probably what’s best for everyone... once it’s done and I’m gone, everyone will be relieved and have one less problem to think off... 

[smallwolf]

Hey there. I saw your recent posts and wondering how you are going at the moment?

Changing how we view the world takes time and  .... I wish I had the answers. If I did, I would also know how to deal with the challenges myself. 

I would be interested in hearing more of your story if you want to share?

[LaineYG]

Thanks everyone for those great insights and words… I know their just words but sometimes it’s all a person could ever need to feel good within themselves (like me.,) it’s comforting to know that I’m not alone in this even though I got no one to really turn to in times of trouble… I have been feeling abit well lately as I’ve dug my head into work… I think it’s the only thing that’s keeping my head above water… I wish the light at the end of my tunnel is brighter but it’s not… sometimes I just want to get to the end of my tunnel but I guess I got along way to go… unfortunately I don’t get to decide as to where or which hospital I go to when I need that help as by default the ambos needs to take me to the nearest hospital and if I go on my own there’s a far greater risk for me… I know life is never made easy but it’s how you perceive it is and in saying that I perceive my life is more challenging and sometimes chaotic than others… it’s in that chaos I need to learn how to make it simpler and less chaotic than what it is… the ideations and urges are constant everyday it’s a matter of how I react to it… on most days nowadays I don’t react to it and just let it pass by but there are those moments that I can’t hold back… it’s in those moments I need the help the most but where do I turn to?  I often find myself searching for that support and never finds it… if people know who I am they’ll easily turn me away and tell me to follow a care plan that doesn’t even work or doesn’t really apply to me… all I need is some care and compassion from people who should be looking after me but even then it’s hard to find and it’s not often that it comes..

[smallwolf]

hello,

you mentioned keeping your head above water. I would refer to that as floating, which is neither a good or bad thing. The rest of your reply sounded like you were struggling. I understand how challenging it can be to feel like you're alone in your struggle  and find it tough to keep moving forward when the light at the end of the tunnel feels dim.

On not having control over where you receive care ... and that it can be difficult to find the support and compassion you need from those who are supposed to be looking out for you. It does not seem fair that you have to search for help when it should be readily available to you.

I am curious about what care and compassion looks like for you? Can you tell me more about that.

[LaineYG]

The care and compassion for me is when I feel I’m being heard and getting the right support to get me through my tough times… I am slowly trying to just rely on myself than be dependent onto someone who may not really understand what I’m going thru… I do have a few support workers that do give me that compassion and care but their only available on the weekdays so my weekends can be challenging and lonely coz I got no one to turn to when I needed that help and support.. one things for sure, I won’t get that from my local hospital as well as any service that’s tied up with them… hence why I’m trying to relocate to the catchment of the hospital that does want to help me.. hopefully it goes thru soon…

[Croix]

Dear LaineYG~

Sometimes a hospital will keep going down the same track rather rather than have a rethink. To be fair often a person's condition may not be that clear and they do try, however if it is not helping and makes you feel you are not treated seriously or with respect I don't blame you at all for wanting a change.

If you have been to another hospital that does treat you as you need then it make sense to try to get in thier catchment -a good plan.

The other good plan you mentioned, is to try to use your own resources and rely less upon others. I'm not suggesting this is something you can do quickly, but something to aim for. I guess to some extent I'm forced into that as they keep on changing doctors where I go, and starting from square one with a new one every so often is hard and worrying.

There is naother plan you might consider. You have said that you do get some care and compassion from your weekday carers -and I'm very glad you do have a bright spot. As they are never available on weekends Do you think you might be able to plan for their absence? It might be you can think of something that has made you feel good in the past, or has distracted you and taken your mind away from all the troubles to a gentler place. I do this at the end of the day and it does help, it gives me something to look forward to - and is one way of relying upon myself as an added bonus.

I'd quite agree it is hard to think of suitable things, particularly when you feel very down, but at times things can come to you. I use books, YouTube clips of particular comedians, a short walk out of the house, talking to someone I know - not to say how I feel but just general chat, and just about anything else.

It can get to be a good habit.

We've al been talking for a while now  and are concerned about you, if you would like to tell us how you get on that would be great

Croix

[smallwolf]

hello again. I had login issues in the last couple of days,

It sounds like you have been going through a challenging time - It can be tough to find the right support that truly understands what you are going through, but it's great to hear that you have a few support workers who are there for you during the weekdays.

It takes a lot of strength and courage to rely on yourself, but I want you to know that you are not alone. And it's great that you are taking steps to relocate to a catchment area where you can receive the help and support you need. I hope that the process goes smoothly for you and that you are able to find the care and compassion you deserve. Remember that you are worthy of love and support, and there are people who care about you and want to see you succeed.

[therising]

Hi LaineYG

Sometimes I think about how we can have dozens of challenges all rolled into one. If you can imagine a big ball of wool and, as you unravel it, every half metre or so has a knot in it. A knot can be both a problem and a challenge. The challenge is to work it all out.

Some common knot questions

• Why do I love being an introvert yet suffer through this nature so much at times?
• Why do I struggle with such brutal internal dialogue and how am I meant to manage that?
• Why do I feel so incredibly deeply and why do I suffer through that?
• Why can't I cop a break from the challenges I face?

etc.

With a couple of those

1. What if it's simply in our nature, to feel so deeply? How do we manage the ability, so that what we feel as depressing doesn't get the better of us? How to use depressing as a telling emotion/feeling leads it to become an informative one, as opposed to feeling it solely as a soul destroying one
2. What if we're designed to manage that old 'angel on one shoulder, devil on the other' kind of inner dialogue? While it can be so easy and absolutely brutal to hear the darker side of what comes to mind, 'How to tap into the lighter side?' becomes the question. If no one has ever given us skills in how to manage such a thing, how do we do it? There are ways

Looking back on a number of depressing periods in my life involved finally realising what was naturally depressing (soul destroying levels of disappointment based on others not stepping up in ways they could/should have, feeling so incredibly lost with few offering light in the way of direction, being led to see my feelings as 'wrong', as opposed to seeing them as informative etc). How would I have felt people stepping up, people holding the light for me and people helping me make better sense of my feelings? Being able to read or feel how others can bring us down is a skill. It involves the skill of sensing who to gravitate towards and who to move away from.

Laine, if you are packed with untapped skills (which you are), can you imagine which one to be the first you'd like to bring to life.

[LaineYG]

Thanks for these lovely words and encouraging messages,. I wish I can say that to my family as well but unfortunately I can’t, my family don’t seem to understand why I’m trying hard to be part of their lives. My reason why I am putting an effort in being present for them is that I would feel less lonely and isolated from them but they seem to not care much about what I’m doing and how I am… I try to check on them as much as I can and as often as I can but they don’t seem to reciprocate it. Do I just accept the fact that they don’t really care about me? Having these thoughts and feelings brings up the suicide and SH urges. I am trying my best not to let it affect me but deep within it actually does affect me more than I expect it to… I now feel that anything is better than having to go through this rejection I’m feeling right now… how do I turn it around??? I’m lost confused and just disappointed towards how the world revolves or atleast my world… where to go from here? I honestly don’t know, coz I’m honestly done pretending that things will get better… coz I truly believe that it won’t… so why bother trying when all seem to lead to this path anyways? Why resist when evidence shows that this is all I’ll ever get…

[therising]

Hi LaineYG

Sometimes I think we can be the most caring deeply feeling member of our family and that in itself can have a bit of a 'black sheep' feel to it. We can be like the odd one out, when no one else appears to care or feel quite as much. Instead of asking 'What leads those around me to not care and feel as deeply as I do?', the question can more so become 'What's wrong with me?'. I try my hardest not to ask myself thiat question, as there are far more constructive questions to ask in the way of greater self understanding, plus this tends to be a depressing question for me. I try not to go down that 'What's wrong with me?' dark path. 'Why do I tick the way I do?' is a far more enlightening path. Btw, still not an easy one to navigate at times, that's for sure.

I've found one of the most liberating aspects to come back to life in me over the last handful of years is a sense of wonder. While a sense of wonder is something most of us a born with, it's also something a lot of us lose as we go along (sometimes without fully realising). I think, in some ways, it's kind of conditioned out of us for a number of reasons as we're growing up. Once it comes back to life, it can become a game changer. When it comes to my families, the one I was born into and the one I created myself, I can't help but wonder about my mum, dad, brother, sister, husband, son and daughter, as well as some extended family members. What makes them tick the way they do - how much is about who they naturally are compared with how their experiences in life have shaped them, formed and reformed them to be the people they are at any given time.

Do you ever seriously wonder about your family? Sometimes I think some of the most unusual people I've ever come across in life happen to be the ones I live with or have lived with. I know, for a fact, I appear as unusual to them too at times. I find being 'normal' and 'acceptable' to be just too much hard work at times. I say this as I sit here with my purple hair 😊

[LaineYG]

I loved how you explained everything @therising., it makes sense but it is hard to follow specially when all you can see are the negative and dark parts of life… I still have that dark clouds hanging over my head, all I can think of are negative thoughts… I try not to ruminate on it nor acting on the urges… I’m basically trying to surf the wave as they call it… so far it’s letting me hang by a thread right now… if I can hold longer I’m sure I can move forward from there on… if I can’t then I’m screwed… So what do I do now? I need some help in swaying away from the urge… I need help and I need it now… 😞