Tired of fighting this battle.

[Beaser]

I hope im ok to post as ive posted so often on other  forums  but im feeling very desperate lately. 

Im just so tired of fighting. I left a job i was in for many years last year. I have since had some part time work that didnt work out.  Im lonely and going broke.  I was desperate and called triple o last week only to be left to my own devices again. I may be going into a facility called parc a non acute inpatient service but that thought scares me. I dont know how much more i can endure. I hope every one is well and thank you for reading      Brett

[Beaser]

Hi and best wishes to everyone.

I hope im not overdoing the posts but sometimes i just need to let it out a bit.

Its hard at times to battle alone and at times i question my feelings sort of like is it real what im going through if that makes any sense. 

I think the Christmas , New year period really unsettled me..     Im hoping that when i get back to my volunteer role it will help steady things  again.  

I  hope everyone has the best day possible.

Beaser

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Beaser,

It’s totally ok to post whenever you feel the need to. I think especially when living alone it’s really important to reach out. I think if you are having certain feelings they are real. It’s just that when we are on our own we don’t have the usual soundboard that we have when we live with others, where we can share our feelings and someone asks how our day is and we ask them how their day is. It does make it harder without that relational dynamic.

Are you able to sense into what was most unsettling over Christmas and New Year? For me I think feelings of loneliness and isolation came up to a degree and as I’m hitting a milestone birthday I’m experiencing that too. But in relation to the birthday I’m using it as an opportunity to review my life and how to go forward in healing ways. I think if you can understand what your feelings are about, it can often help to spark ideas for proactive ways to feel better, find connection with others and nurture yourself.

You might find you do feel better back in your volunteer role as I think those interactions with others are so helpful. They take us out of ourselves and into a relational context, and that is so good for us. I can sense you are such a kind person Beaser and someone who benefits from human contact. Your kindness is an asset to the world so know that you are of value.

Wishing you the best day possible too 🤗

[Beaser]

Hi and thanks ER. Always good to hear from you.

You are right about being alone.   At times i have made some rash decisions because ive panicked.  I think with a stable person to share things with i may have acted differently.

I think im the same as you with Christmas feeling isolated and alone.  I  also declined a social event because i dont share the Christmas spirit that a family has. I now i need to push and not isolate though.

I  must admit world events can trigger me too.  I find the American presidential situation a bit scary. I hope im wrong.  

Yes im really keen to get back to my volunteer role its a great thing for me.   Interaction and doing things for someone other than myself.

Thanks again ER.   Its always great to hear from you.    How have you been yourself ?

Beaser

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Beaser,

Yes, it is harder making decisions on your own isn’t it. I think it’s important not to be hard on yourself though about past decisions you have made as you are always doing your best at any point in time. Perhaps before making a decision you can see if you can find someone to talk it through with, such as your psychologist or a trusted friend. Another thing is writing in a journal about your feelings which can sometimes help to make things clearer.

I understand about world events. I’m concerned about the presidential situation in the US as well. But there are many wise, balanced Americans who will keep doing good things and work towards stability. I recently subscribed to a news channel called Reasons to Be Cheerful. It’s a project that was initiated by David Byrne and it runs positive stories from around the world. It is so easy to think mostly bad things are happening if you watch the regular news, but that’s because it has a negative bias. There are actually many wonderful, innovative and encouraging things happening too. Sometimes it’s good to take time out to to connect with nature and notice beautiful things in the present moment. I have just been watching the sunrise here and the sky was really glowing which was beautiful. Now a baby galah is squawking very loudly 😂

I’m really glad you have your volunteer role. I’m trying to find more ways to connect with others at the moment as my town feels quite isolating. But there is a bigger town I can drive to with more happening so I’m going to try some things there. I am going ok though have some health challenges I’m trying to work through. I’m finding out a lot through my own research though.

 I hope you have a really lovely day Beaser. Feel free to chat anytime.

Best wishes,

ER

[Beaser]

Hi ER.

Thanks for getting back to me.   

You make a good point about world news. I need to try and disengage a bit from it.  I spoke to my DR about it and he said the same.

You make a good point about nature .  Ive always liked the outdoors and currently have shrieking cockatoos outside.  

I live in an area that is rapidly growing way too much.   I find it hard as i remember and loved it as a small country town.     I was speaking to a mate last night about moving to a small country town.  As he said it all seems rosey but i would certainly lose all my valued connections and support i have built up here.  Its a catch 22 i guess.   

My vegie garden is going along ok.  I have some corn ready to pick i will probably give a lot away.  I know some people who appreciate it..    

I  hope you have a peacfull weekend .   

Always good to talk.

Beaser

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Beaser,

Yes, a lot of places are growing aren’t they and it’s true that something is lost in the process. There’s a town an hour from here that used to be a sleepy little place where we stayed a few times when I was a kid. Now it’s grown rapidly and you get caught in traffic jams and it’s definitely not a small, quiet place anymore. The population does support a wide range of services and activities which is a positive, but the peace and quiet that used to be there is harder to find now.

What I would say about a small country town though is I moved to one almost 3 years ago now and it has, for me, been quite isolating. I miss my friends in the city a lot and I’ve found it harder to make connections here. What I would suggest is that if you have a town you think you want to move to, spend a lot of time there first. Get a sense of the people and local activities available. Where you are now you do have valued connections and support and things like you volunteer work. You might want to see if any place you’re thinking of moving to has volunteer opportunities you’d like to do.

The advantage where I am is the peace and quiet and natural surroundings which I very much appreciate. But I’m also very lonely here on a day to day basis and it’s made me realise how much I need meaningful human connection. I’ve found that hard to find here. When I visit the city my mental and physical health improve as I’m much more in connection with others, which was a surprise for me to realise as I really thought a small country town was going to be the best thing for me. There’s also only a very limited range of social activities. The nearest bigger town has a lot more social groups, activities, concerts, movie nights, events etc and I think from a social perspective I may have been better off there.

It’s great you have your corn ready to harvest. It’s lovely to be able to share with others too. I have several fruit trees all growing in my small backyard - lemon, lime, mandarin, orange, peach and pomegranate. There’s a lot of lemons at the moment and the peaches are just small. The birds tend to get most of the peaches before me. A possum comes at night and eats fruit too. I don’t mind sharing. I take surplus from the citrus trees to neighbours. For some reason the lime doesn’t usually produce fruit like the others.

The birds are very active outside at the moment. I’ve been seeing the lovely sunrises lately as waking early. Yes, always lovely to talk Beaser and I hope you have a peaceful weekend too.

ER

[Beaser]

Hi ER.

Im sorry that you feel isolated at times it must be hard. 

Youre right about spending time at a place beforehand.  The place i think of is a town i spent a fair bit of time over the years as i had uncles and aunts there but thieve passed now so i just have cousins.

I cant see myself making the move as my anxiety holds me back.  

I have to be honest that yesterday wasnt too good.    I live in a block of three units and the people behind are mid ninety's of age.  There water meter is in my garden and the man asked me to turn it off as he had a faulty tap.  That was fine but when i went out he tried to climb up and turn it on .  He fell and broke some ribs and is in hospital.  I always help where i can but i cant be available all the time.  I think there family need to make some decisions about there welfare.  I know its not my fault but its distressing that it happened.  I cant do much more.    

I did drink a bit too much yesterday . I need to stay on the mid strength beer but drank heavy yesterday .  I know its an excuse but its also about the social side and being around people.  Its just i feel guilty after i do it.   

Im sorry to be on a bit of a downer in this chat as im feeling a bit flat about what happened yesterday.  

Hope you have a peacefull day ER.  Always good to chat.

Beaser

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Beaser,

I’m so sorry to hear what happened with your neighbour yesterday. It would be upsetting and as you are a sensitive, caring person you would really feel for the person. Please don’t be hard on yourself over it. Ideally they should have waited for you to return, tried to call if they had your number or asked someone else to help. And being in their mid-nineties, it does sound like they may need some further support with their care. My lovely elderly neighbour was moved into care by her daughter a few months ago. Her daughter had advised her strongly not to climb on any ladders or try to fix things at home. She started to have significant memory and cognitive issues and that’s when her daughter decided she’d be safer in care. I miss her greatly but it is good she’s being looked after in the nursing home.

With drinking heavy afterwards, I wonder if you can try something different when something like that happens? So maybe instead of drinking, do something kind for yourself like go on a bit of an outing and do something you enjoy, or ring and chat with a friend or catch up with them in person. Sometimes just debriefing with someone else after something happens can really help to feel a bit better. 

I used to be really hard on myself and kind of punish myself after something bad happened. I’d feel responsible even if I wasn’t responsible. I’m learning to do the opposite now and do something kind and nurturing for myself instead. Like this morning, after waking from a bad dream relating to family issues, I took myself down to my favourite ocean place. I took my telephoto lens for wildlife and got to photograph many beautiful birds and some insects and reptiles too. It was such a beautiful morning and I was able to feel much better.

I wonder whether you can speak to the strata company for the units to see if they can look into shifting the meter onto the other property? I don’t know the reason it would be where it is and there may be a logical reason. But it could be worth just asking about it. There may be something they can do.

I hope you feel better today Beaser. It’s good to know your neighbour is being taken care of in hospital. I think ribs heal over several weeks and the main treatment is some pain relief, especially in the early stages. I remember my dad broke some ribs when he fell as a spectator at the footy when he was about to come home. He got x-rayed by the doctor and had to rest at home for a while as they healed.

Anyway, take care and sending kind wishes your way,

ER

[Beaser]

That really was a tough weekend.    My neighbor falling badly bad enough.   Then to hear a friend had passed away it feels all a bit overwhelming at the moment.  I think i might just have to have one of those days where you have to hibernate and try to manage myself.    

Im sorry to be on a downer  its just pretty tough ATM .

my best wishes to  all.    

Beaser

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Beaser,

I’m so sorry to hear about your friend. Do you have someone you can ring and chat to, if that may help? It can be a shock when you suddenly find a friend has passed away.

Perhaps you can find somewhere peaceful in nature to just sit and honour their memory. I have done that before and felt gratitude for the person’s life and it helped. But I know it is really hard, especially in the beginning.

Take it easy and have a quiet, gentle day. We are here to chat if you need to. Thinking of you and sending kind wishes. 

Hugs,

ER