Tired of fighting this battle.

[Beaser]

I hope im ok to post as ive posted so often on other  forums  but im feeling very desperate lately. 

Im just so tired of fighting. I left a job i was in for many years last year. I have since had some part time work that didnt work out.  Im lonely and going broke.  I was desperate and called triple o last week only to be left to my own devices again. I may be going into a facility called parc a non acute inpatient service but that thought scares me. I dont know how much more i can endure. I hope every one is well and thank you for reading      Brett

[Beaser]

Thank you for your kind reply ER,

Its always good to hear from you and you seem to understand things so well .

I hope youre going well yourself.

Beaser

[Beaser]

Good morning i hope everyone is going ok. 

Ive posted a bit lately hoping im not overdoing it. 

I have had a couple of well meaning friends asked me how i am of late. The trouble is i always say im ok but i have been struggling.  A friend even replied that i sound better .   I hope this doesnt sound selfish but i find it hard when people say that when im aching inside . Maybe its the front i put on to try and not be a downer for others.    I was wondering if other people experience similar things.    

Hoping every one has a happy day.

Beaser.

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Beaser,

I know this experience well. I will also tend to say I’m ok when I’m not. I think perhaps it’s a case of letting the right people know that you may not be going so well - the people who are most likely to genuinely be there for you. I still find it really hard to tell people when I’m struggling. While in the city just recently I did tell my good friend a little of what I’m experiencing, but really only a small portion of it.

I wonder if there are some phrases you can come up with, such as “I’m actually struggling a fair bit at the moment”, something that is true for you. It may then open the door for the other person to offer some support. You don’t necessarily have to go into detail, but they may then ask you more questions if concerned and may check in with you a bit more often.

My friend in the city is very busy with a toddler and has just gone back to work. Her husband works 6 days a week. I know they have a lot on their plate so I haven’t wanted to burden them with my struggles. But even revealing a little of what I’ve been struggling with, she texts to check in with me and does things like send me photos of her baby girl which she knows I love to see. So I think kind friends will make some gestures of kindness and support within the scope of what they’re able to do.

People will often say to me that I sound better too when I’m really not ok inside. And like you I won’t say anything. I’ll just keep masking that things are ok. But I think it’s ok to say if you’re not ok and I’m trying to learn to do this myself. I’m happy to hear anyone else’s suggestions on this topic as I also find it hard.

I think it can be partly not wanting to be a burden to anyone and it can also feel safer to just say “I’m fine”. It can feel like it makes things easier. But I think then stress can build up inside, so I think it is good if someone asks, and they are someone like a good friend, to open up and let them know how you are feeling. It is good you write your feelings here too.

Take care,

ER

[Beaser]

Thanks ER 

You make some good suggestions and im sorry to hear you go through similar things.   

Im having a cuppa with a friend today so it will be good to chat with him.  Hes been a good mate for many years hes been a carer for his wife for decades now and i have great respect for him.

I think part of my problem is that when im with people i feel on a high and dont feel my depression and anxiety then reality hits me again when im alone.   

I had a bit of a rough day in my volunteer role at the hospital on Thursday as i was sworn at by an unhappy man who i was doing my best to help.  Its the first time in twelve months so i guess thats not too bad.  I can understand peoples frustration but i think this hasnt been good for me this week. 

At least the weather has picked up and theres a bit of sun to enjoy lately.

Wishing you and everyone a happy and healthy day.

Beaser. 

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Beaser,

I hope you had a good chat with your mate. He sounds like a really good person.

I understand what you’re saying about feeling ok with people which lifts you but then the depression coming when alone. I think I experience the same sort of thing. I was recently in the city and the times I visited my friends and their baby I really improved. It’s when I’m alone it’s a struggle. I try to remember the good energy of being with others when feeling down and sometimes that’s comforting. It’s like it reminds my body of what it feels like to be in the company of good people.

I understand too it’s upsetting to have had that man swear at you. I imagine he’s just frustrated by his situation and you just happened to be in the firing line. But I know it’s hard when that happens. Try to remember it’s not about you in any way.

I wonder have you ever thought about a pet? I have been petsitting recently and I do find time with animals very connecting and calming. I have a friend who is walking his neighbour’s dogs at present when they’re away and he is finding that really helpful for him as he is dealing with mental health struggles.

I hope this week goes better for you. I’m glad you’ve had the nice sunny weather.

Take care,

ER

[Beaser]

Thanks ER.

I had a better shift at the hospital last week . You so right about not taking it personal when people are a bit short with me when im there.   People are naturally scared and unwell so there not at there best. 

I guess one disgruntled person in a year is a pretty good rate.

Hope your well and best wishes.

Brett

[Beaser]

Hi i hope everyone is doing well.

Feeling pretty flat this week .  I just hope that one day i can fall in love with life again.  

I guess we all remember those days when we weren't battling through every minute. 

Sometimes i just have so much regret about what ive done or haven't done  i find it very draining.

I just needed to reach out this morning.     Best wishes to all.

Beaser

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Beaser,

I'm wondering are you able to recall the times in life you felt some happiness in your heart and the things you found uplifting? I have been returning to some good memories from my past today actually. One is from a time I used to write my own songs and be part of some music groups. So I sat down and began to re-teach myself a song I used to play. As I did this, I started to have a body memory of a better time when I was more connected to myself, my heart and spirit. This helps me to feel more ok in the present moment and create a more positive feeling for the future.

I am sure, that in you, such a connection still exists. It's just that sometimes the accumulation of stress in our lives starts to eclipse the good memories and the things that help us to feel whole and connected.

There are things that I too reflect on and think how things may or may not have turned out if I went down this or that path. But the reality is I was doing my best at each stage of my life and I have learned something from all experiences, both good and bad. Even the bad experiences have wise things to teach us and can make us more insightful and compassionate.

So just sending you lots of support and kindness. Can you feel something you would love to do now? Even if it feels unrealistic, just allowing yourself to go into your imagination can create potential towards something you enjoy and connect with.

I know life can get really tough where it really is a minute by minute battle. I feel I have had a lot of that in the past few years. But I am feeling some emergence out of that, and reconnecting with earlier memories where life had more flow is helping me right now. So I just thought I would just share that experience in case it helps.

Best wishes,
ER

[Beaser]

Hi ER.

Thank you for your kind reply.

You make a real good point about reconnecting with things that bring me joy.

One thing i have done is get my vegetable garden up and going.   I have always enjoyed that and its great to grow some of your own food and give some to friends.   Its great to see it grow so much with some recent rain. 

Im also looking forward to doing some fishing now that the weather is getting better. Another thing that brings me joy.

I did my shift at the hospital yesterday and that went well .  Thats always good for me.

Thanks again i always appreciate hearing from you and i hope that you are going well yourself.

Beaser

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Beaser,

That’s great you have a veggie garden. I used to grow my own veggies and loved trying different varieties of tomatoes, chillies, lettuces, radishes etc. I actually worked in a market garden a long time ago. I remember growing pumpkins from seed there that were really interesting, such as varieties called Triamble and Turk’s Turban and one variety that looked like a trombone 😂

I’m glad you enjoy your fishing too. Yes, it’s coming into the nice weather now. It’s a very peaceful thing to do. I’m glad your hospital shift went well.

I’m having a rest on my way up to the city as I find the driving very tiring. It’s been a bit hot but there’s a nice breeze now.

All the best and always happy to chat.

Best wishes,

ER