Sick and tired of being sick

Bbydoll · ‎23-06-2020

Hello. I'm battling multiple auto immune diseases along with chronic pain. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired; physically, mentally, emotionally and financially etc. I've got no partner, kids or family around. And very few real friends that actually bother to check in on me. My shrink retired earlier in the year. I'm on medication but lately my health has once again deteriorated. Including over $2500 worth of urgent dental work with more needed afterwards.

I can't take much more of this. I spoke with a close friend the other day; who I haven't seen for 8 months and although he was kind enough to let me pour my heart out. He couldn't help me. And has other priorities. I feel as though everyone thinks I'm ok.. because I've been through so much that I'll get through this.

I just want it to end. I'm tired of struggling. Every. Single. Day.

I don't want to live like this anymore.

Bbydoll · ‎10-10-2020

I have an inspection due on Wednesday and as usual. I'm sore and tired from trying to clean up. And no where near getting it done. I think the lightheadedness was from not eating enough food. I'm not hungry I sleep all day. Then pig out at night. And can't stop eating. It's no wonder I'm so fat!! I've stopped the intake of sugar. But the weight isn't moving. And it's exhausting and painful to move. I'm struggling to get the money together for food and save money for another fridge. Plus one of my teeth is starting to rot and the stub of a tooth that feel off is also dying and both need urgent attention and no idea how I'm supposed to pay for this. Yes. I get the extra payments of 250 in December and march but I need it now😠

monkey_magic · ‎11-10-2020

Hi Bbydoll,

Going through financial issues isn't much fun I know what it's like only because I waste money on what I don't need. I have an online gaming problem grrr...

But living on just Centrelink is limiting.

I bet you'll be happy when the money finally does arrive.

If your teeth need emergency treatment are you able to call the dental Hospital in your area that treats ppl on Centrelink. I was able to get my tooth pulled out for free. They have one where I am, not sure about your area though.

My weight isn't moving either...so damn horrible. It brings me down.

Take heart in knowing you're probably doing your best in the circumstances you're in which is a tough one. Go easy on yourself.

Bbydoll · ‎12-10-2020

Hi Monkey_magic,

The dental clinic was going to put me on a special list because of the medications I'm on to try and get me in. I've heard nothing from them. And when I was in hospital, despite me needing follow up care - they couldn't do it because they didn't have the proper safety equipment for Covid and was shut down. And to add to that - the waiting list is long here!! And no idea of when I'd get in. I've tried 3 other times and that was before all my current issues.

I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling with things too. I think it's been a pretty bad year for a lot of people - not that it makes any easier, but with all the uncertainties of covid, it's turned many people's lives upside down.

I know i shouldn't complain but I'm so tired of struggling. My health seems to be getting worse. My pain levels are bad and I need to sit down quicker now. And I've noticed today that my hands are retaining fluid. Which is not a great sign..as my feet have been doing this for a couple of years.. my hands feel numb. I'm supposed to be fixing up my apartment for an inspection this week, but I spent a few hours sleeping today - so am running out of time. It's mostly clean.. just got clothes piled up in my bedroom as I've had to buy more clothes during winter because of my weight. I was telling a friend what I'm dealing with and how I'm so short on cash whilst trying to get a fridge. And she just suggested that I go to vinnies or salvos.. but going to vinnies I have to walk up an inclined staircase to get there... after walking up a steep incline to get information from centrelink about my payments. Not easy to do right now.😣

I'm just running out of the why's .. why am I bothered to fight any more. I've been binge eating again tonight. But I'm going offline now to have a hot shower and hopefully some sleep... hope not for all of (monday) though.

TheBigBlue · ‎17-10-2020

Hey Bbydoll,

sorry I haven’t been around for a while, I’ve been riding that damn emotional rollercoaster again myself.

But I just wanted you to know that you have been in my thoughts. And that you do matter. And that we do care.

sending a virtual hug

Bbydoll · ‎17-10-2020

Thank you TheBigBlue, this means a lot to me. And I'm sorry to hear that you've been struggling too. Weekends are really hard for me. I feel more isolated than normal, I guess because I'm stuck at home when I know other people are out there living their lives.I heard tonight that they're finally allowing live music again; which is fantastic but one of the gigs I saw advertised - is selling tickets at 2 or more; and I usually only go by myself and can't afford 2 tickets on my own... so it means again I miss out. I don't really have any friends that want to go out and do things with me. I've tried for years inviting friends out - even so they don't have to pay for their tickets and they're usually not interested, or say yes then let me down on the night. I don't know why. I used to put it down to my health issues; but maybe it's me that they don't want to spend time with. I don't speak with most of my extended family after I found out that they were talking about me behind my back - even though I'd asked them previously not to do that.

My family and friends never ask me out to things. Except occasionally my brother will have lunch with me and his little family. But other than that... nothing. I'm seeing a mental health team on Monday. My shrink who retired earlier this year put me in contact with them; in the hopes that they can help me apply to the NDIS - initially my case manager was very helpful, even driving me to the shops to run errands etc. But I then went into a massive depression not doing much for a couple of months and they changed case manager. And the 3rd time they changed case managers I asked for some help and it was difficult for her to organize an appointment I told them that I was struggling - it's taken 4 weeks to get an appointment to see her and she's bringing with her , her boss to see how theycan help me. With the added weight my depression is worse, my binge eating is worse and ultimately my physical pain and weight have increased making life even harder for me than before! And I have to do everything on my own. I'm tired of struggling with no end in sight and with no physical support. I don't think I will ever get on the NDIS it's harder than applying for the disability pension and that took years. I got told recently by a neighbour that you had to be employable or on job search to be accepted -neither of which I am. It's all getting too much. I wish they were some easy answers but there never seems to be. And it's so tiring.

NellieF · ‎18-10-2020

I sleep for at least 18-22 hours everyday and I have immune disorder and diabetes

Bbydoll · ‎26-10-2020

So I finally saw the mental health team and they told me that I was rejected for my application to the NDIS. I'm not surprised. But I was more upset with the treatment from the mental health team than the rejection of the NDIS. I was telling them that I was struggling with getting my shopping done, because of my health.. and their response was have you tried online shopping - but woolies is expensive, and I'd rather be shopping at Aldi. They then had the nerve to say that IF, I get onto the NDIS that they can help with cleaning... and my apartment was clean!!!! Yes there was a bit of mess in the kitchen sink - but I'd been busy precooking some meals and I'd explained this. And yes my kitchen table has stuff on it. But I'd had vaccumed the entire apartment and cleaned down the benches and bathroom etc as I'd had an inspection a few days before they came through. And for a mental health team they actually didn't want to hear anything about how much I'm actually struggling emotionally. I tried to explain it with all my health issues impacting me etc; and their response was maybe you should see a psychologist. That comment only made me feel worse!!! The only thing worse than not being heard is being made to feel like they don't care at all. My uncle that I rarely speak to asked me via text how I'm doing - and I responded with what's going on with my health... absolutely no response going on 6 days later. I honestly don't know why he bothers asking any more. I want to study online but I'm struggling to pay bills... and don't have an updated computer or the internet. I'm so over the struggle. It's feeling like I'm just waiting to die... I'm struggling so much. And for what??? No partner. No kids. I don't speak to most of my family and rarely see my friends even if covid wasn't happening. Ever since I was a teenager I went out on a limb for all of my family and friends - only to be screwed over by most of them!

Sophie_M · ‎26-10-2020

Hi Bbydoll,

Thank you for posting here and letting us know how you are doing. We are so sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time and that your experience was not validated by the mental health team. It is painful and frustrating feel like you are not truly heard and seen. Again, we are sorry you had to experience that. You are in a safe, non-judgmental place in our wonderful forums and we are reaching out to you privately as well.

Please know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

Please keep checking back in with us when you feel up to it. We are here for you.

Bbydoll · ‎28-10-2020

Thank you for replying Sophie. My uncle eventually replied to my text and still ended up belittling me about trying to get onto the NDIS. I also spoke to my GP today who wants to wean me off the strong pain meds - despite me saying that the pain is now disturbing my sleep and waking up in pain. He wants me to see my rheumatologist because he thinks that there's an auto immune illness causing long term side effects alongside other symptoms that I have. Whatever is going on; it's getting worse and nothing that I do at the moment is making any difference. I am highly anxious; frustrated and scared. And my binge eating is out of control because I can't sleep. Now I've got a gut that's not happy with me. I'm also getting a strong headache and have no pain meds in the house. I need to pitck up the pain meds tomorrow and get medicine on Thursday when I get paid. I was looking at doing some dance classes but I want have the money this fortnight and of course you need to pay up by then. I desperately need a haircut as its getting caught in things and its also knotting at the ends. I still want it long - just not causing problems when I'm hanging the washing out or closing up a cupboard board thats above the kitchen bench!! I'm becoming numb from struggling like I want to cry but I can't. I took myself off of my anti depressants as they didn't seem to be working anymore. I wish I could actually achieve something; anything. That would help my mood but I don't know what because EVERY time I try to do a course; or study something - my body gets in the way of me completing it.

Sophie_M · ‎28-10-2020

Dear Bbydoll,

We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community this morning and are so sorry to hear everything you have going on at the moment. Times like this can definitely get overwhelming . We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you.

We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
Keep checking back in with us whenever you feel up to it.