Sick and tired of being sick

[Bbydoll]

Hello. I'm battling multiple auto immune diseases along with chronic pain. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired; physically, mentally, emotionally and financially etc. I've got no partner, kids or family around. And very few real friends that actually bother to check in on me. My shrink retired earlier in the year. I'm on medication but lately my health has once again deteriorated. Including over $2500 worth of urgent dental work with more needed afterwards.

I can't take much more of this. I spoke with a close friend the other day; who I haven't seen for 8 months and although he was kind enough to let me pour my heart out. He couldn't help me. And has other priorities. I feel as though everyone thinks I'm ok.. because I've been through so much that I'll get through this.

I just want it to end. I'm tired of struggling. Every. Single. Day.

I don't want to live like this anymore.

[Bbydoll]

Thank you Sophie. I'm apprehensive about calling even though I'm struggling again tonight. Feels like everything is overwhelming and I'm agitated because of several days of pain and an idiot in my apartment building playing loud music 2 nights in a row. Sleep is the only thing that brings relief and I can't do that when the music is reverberating through the walls and floor of the building. One of the ladies from the community group wants to see me early next week and early in the day even though I've told them numerous times I prefer later in the day because I usually sleep in! I feel it's going on deaf ears and will raise it again. I'm supposed to catch up with a friend over the weekend so I hope she doesn't let me down. It means something to look forward to because we always end up laughing over the silliest things. I saw a new friend last week from a support group I'm on. We met at a cafe and she gave me loads of advice about other types of doctors and dentists that might be helpful but it's trying to find the cash to actually see them.. when one charges over $400 for the first consultation... I'd sell a kidney if they actually worked properly😣

I wish I could see my niece more often.. dispite my brother moving closely to me I haven't heard anything from them... it's like they're in their own world and they don't have much to say to me. I've tried in the past to tell them what is going on with my health but he told me that I was complaining so I just stick to the minimum. I feel suffocated by my extended family - so will probably spend another Christmas on my own. This will be the 3rd year in a row... or 4th. I missed one because I was in hospital and then it just seemed easier not to deal with the crap from them. It's not like they tried hard to persuade me otherwise andI saw my mum and brother and his wife on Christmas eve anyways.

[Bbydoll]

Another round of binge eating and self loathing after I found out that she got the dates mixed up and thought we were getting together tomorrow. So I've had to change everything to suit her because she's getting her hair done. I'm pissed because if I couldn't have dropped everything we would have missed out. I feel like a 2nd thought and she's one of my one of my closest friends.

I sent a text to my other friend asking for some help with a light bulb change and it's crickets from him. He knows how messed up my physical health. But if he's busy or can't do it. I'd prefer a text about it and not complete silence. I struggle so much keeping friendships because of my crap health or maybe it's because they actually don't want to be friends with me. I honestly don't know any more. I know other people have work and and families and other responsibilities but I always feel like I'm an after thought and like if they have a better choice of something they would choose that over me!

[Bbydoll]

It's been an absolute joke of my time. My friend again and again has let me down and left me doing all the grunt work. It's all right for her to go on and on about her problems and her dating life - which I have already heard about! But doesn't let me talk at all about what I'm dealing with. She's probably sick of hearing about my crap health and my issues that I'm facing but guess what I am sick of having to deal with it myself. And talking about it sometimes lightens the load. Not hearing about your 3 figure income... when I'm struggling to put food on the table and keep my head afloat. Not much of a friend.. and she's the only one I've seen lately. My neighbor pretty much avoids me. I haven't heard anything from my family. It's like I don't exist or that people just don't want to hear what's going on with me. It's why I don't ask for help. I struggleto find anyone to actually want to help me. So I have to struggle on my own.. with a body that would rather stay in bed.. than get stuff done with ongoing chronic health issues and chronic pain and mental health issues.

[monkey_magic]

Hey Bbydoll,

Sorry about all the recent let downs in your life. Life is tough but you're strong to get through it.

I woke up with a headache today and still have it which feels terrible. I also have health issues due to an antipsychotic drug I was injected with for a couple yrs so my life felt like it stopped. I've struggled financially too.

They say to listen to our bodies and I suppose do things when you're having better moments.

Are you able to go for a swim at all. It can be easy, gentle exercise which is also good for the soul. Getting a bit of sunlight helps too.

Hopefully it's helped to vent here. Is there anything U can do about the guy with the music?

When you're going through hard times it really shows who your true friends are doesn't it?

[Bbydoll]

Hi Monkey_magic,

Thanks for reading and commenting. Sorry to hear that you're struggling with a headache. Pain is no fun. Hope it eases really soon. I just dealt with my female friend again. She was going on and on about her new boyfriend and I get that it's exciting but hearing the same story on repeat, over and over is a bit much not to mention her condescending attitude about not being around him if she didn't want to be. She glared at me when she said it - pretty sure she was insinuating that she'd rather spend the time with him over me!

I just feel like I don't have any real friends. I give and get nothing back. I spend a lot of time just waiting for a response to get together and do something or an actual response to my messages I've sent. And they don't answer their phones if called.

I did have a walk yesterday and need to do it more often. It left me lying down later as I had pain in my knees (I know there is fluid in them from a previous scan).. and my GP has suggested steriod injections if it keeps happening but that doesn't sound like much fun.

Swimming would be good if I could get over my body issues. I don't like the way I'm looking right now - so wearing a swimming costume would be too hard to do right now.

I think sometimes that the medications we're given (for physical or mental health issues) is often worse than what we're dealing with! The side effects can be horrible... and it's a real catch 22 situation.

The guy with the loud music has been reported to the police a few times. If he's caught again there maybe more serious consequences.

I feel like I'm fighting a loosing battle. No one knows how much I'm struggling. Because no one cares enough to ask. I've just written a heap of messages to a younger friend who lives interstate but there's not much she can do or say except that she's siding with me and sorry I'm dealing with all of this.

[monkey_magic]

Hi Bbydoll,

Aw struggling's no fun....but it does build strength.

I'm overweight and have body issues and I'm sure much to the shock/ suprise of others I put on a one- piece swimsuit and swim lol. I do have my chicken out days too. I have very thick skin and ppls opinions for the most part don't phase me.

Hopefully on your walks U can say hello to a few ppl and socialise a little that way. If the steroid injections aid your knees it might not b such a bad idea. I had injections in my back, they numb the area first.

Still have the headache- I think it's stress 😒

Been looking for a place to live and it hasn't been easy.

[Bbydoll]

Hi Monkey_magic, hope the headache is easing. Otherwise drink a few glasses of water, because being a bit dehydrated can also bring them on! There's a definite shortage of housing at the moment.. that alone is a stressful thing.

My phone will probably be shut off again because I was supposed to pay my bill but forgot and paid for a few extra (weightloss) shakes in the sales. Not that I'm getting any calls except for my doctor for next week and obviously being able to access this site as well. I'm still waiting for a friend to contact me after texting him on Sunday - it's now Thursday and I also texted him 2 weeks prior and nothing.

Another slap in the face was finding out that my shrink who supposedly semi-retired. But my GP told me that she's actually working part time; and still doing home visits. So I don't know where this leaves me because I was going to try and organize to see a new shrink but now I don't know if I want to go back to her (if she doesn't want to see me) - obviously she knows my mental health issues and physical health problems etc and to have to go through all that with some one new is not something that is going to be easy.

I don't know how much more I want to keep on struggling anymore. . I feel like every little knock back is taking its toll on me. And I can't catch my breath.

Did you find the injections in your back helped at all??

[Bbydoll]

Overspent again this fortnight. Guess that's one way to loose weight - not be able to buy any food! My friend is still going on about her new boyfriend and she's the only person talking to me except for the people who work at the local chemist who know me well! I walked in their this afternoon to pick up meds and they realized that I wasn't feeling well. . I had to go down today and had spent all day yesterday and most of this morning in bed. I've been feeling a bit more under the weather than usual and hope it's just a bug going around.

I know that I struggle emotionally from now until the end of January - because I feel more alone. I hate Christmas and all the fuss. My anxiety gets worse too because of it. The Christmas decorations and music in shops makes my skin crawl and I want to get out of there pretty quickly. I can feel myself tense up. I've done most of my Christmas shopping all ready. I feel lost and as though I've wasted my time because I haven't achieved anything - even without covid. If I can get on top of my finances.. I want to get a better laptop - or at least update it and maybe get some internet running on it to study online so I actually have a focus! And something to motivate me to get me out of bed.

[Bbydoll]

I'm so angry right now. Found out that my family is talking about me behind my back again. I tried telling my friend about it and she said if you can't trust your family who can you trust. Her other advice was stuff the haters. Not really any sound advice and all she does is change the topic back to her and her boyfriend and going on about how wonderful he is and yada yada yada. .. every time I try and change it to something bothering me she doesn't want a bar of it. I'm not sure why we are friends. I've been waiting for 3 weeks for my other friend to help change a light bulb and he hasn't bothered to respond to any of my texts that I've sent to him. I'm starting to think I'm better off on my own because they're not very good friends when I actually need them for help. This sort of stuff happens frequently with me which is why I rarely ask for any help from anyone. Because this is the kind of run around that happens. And yet if roles were reversed I'd help them out as much as possible.

[Bbydoll]

Someone in my building has been cooking toast and it's making me hungry. I'm literally living off frozen leftovers, bread and vegemite, and packet soup mixes and a few weightloss shakes with the last of my long life milk as that's all I have in my place and no money for another 10 days or so.