Self harm urges and giving in

[Ely_]

Hi,

I've been fighting not to self harm more lately as the urges are happening more often. Especially the last week. I have been struggling. I'm at the point now where I want to give in to the urge. I want the numbness. I want the relief. I don't want to fight it anymore.

I saw my abuser's daughter today and that has triggered me alot. I have PTSD and BPD.

I'm trying to distract myself, have been trying mindfulness.

I'm sick of not even being able to shower without wanting to hurt.

I'm so ashamed.

I feel weak and stupid.

[Aaronsis]

Hey Ely

I am so sorry for the late reply, I have had a bit of a crazy week, and it is only Tuesday!

There must be some peace for you that Ella is home, that she is resting with you where she belongs, in her home with people who loved her so very much.

You said that it feels wrong to dissociate from this, to distract from this..well I actually agree. Grief is different I believe to the everyday feelings of BPD and the emotional journey this takes you on without your permission. Grief for you is mourning the loss of Ella, your best friend, you loved her and she provided you with support and with love and with affection, something I think you are craving so very much from your family, your mother. It is important to let the feelings of grief come over you, to feel the loss of her and to acknowledge how much she will always mean to you, this is important so that you can heal from this, you may never get over Ella leaving you, you will always love her, but it is important to feel and let the sadness and the crying and the pain out. You already have so much on your plate, you do not need the grief of Ella to fester into something worse and to make you feel ill, to make your sadness worse.

Maybe it is time to make a tribute to Ella, something in the garden or something that you can sit with and talk to and remember, something to honor her and cherish her.

I hope that you are doing ok this week Ely and that you are taking some time to be kind to you.

Chat soon my friend

Hugs'

Sarah

[Ely_]

I don't know what to do. Everyone thinks that now I have all these supports I should be better. I wish I'd never started NDIS. Yes some of it is helpful. But it is so stressful to deal with changing support workers. I had to ask not to have my main one back anymore coz she was triggering me lots, was very overwhelming, and wasn't helping me really. She just wanted to chitchat nonstop. It's too much for me. And when I had an incident she was unable/unwilling to follow through with the steps/tools etc. I hate that I had to do this. I don't like that I feel soooo bad for her. I think she considers me a friend? I don't want to hurt her feelings. I feel guilty for it. Mental Health and my other support worker, and partner, have told me I shouldn't and don't have to feel this way. That she is a professional and will deal with it. But it doesn't change how I feel. Yesterday I couldn't stop thinking about it and feeling so heightened that I ended up needing to go to ED for treatment.

Now I just want to do it again...not get treatment. But have the release. Have no feelings and no thoughts. ACT always says to call them, but the last two times there's been no answer. I have been having so many thoughts that I wish I wasn't. They are getting stronger and more formulated. Things are locked away atm, but I know and am working out automatically how to get other/better/more. It is scaring me, but at the same time it's not. I feel like I'm teetering on a knife's edge.

I feel lost.

And now I feel like I can't even turn to Emergency Services anymore. Just had a call from a DR at the hospital. Following up on my complaint from last week's visit. He mentioned that I've had over 20 visits this year and hospital shouldn't be my primary method of care. I told him that it's not. If I could learn to stitch em myself I would.

I hate going to the hospital for it. I feel like it's a waste of resources. But I don't know where else to turn, nor does my partner. My unhelpful coping mechanism is my last resort when I am extreme. What am I meant to do, just leave them open?

I feel rejected by my family. I've lost all my friends. The hospital doesn't want me there. MH says call before hand but when I did they don't answer. And when I tell them how I'm feeling they dismiss me and tell me it will get better soon.

I can't even feel the joy for the puppies that I'm supposed to be fostering after next week.

I hate feeling so extreme. I hate being such an idiot. I hate my mind. I hate me...

[Sophie_M]

Dear Ely72,

Thank you so much for sharing this with us. We're so sorry to hear how distressed you are right now. Counsellors from our support service are attempting to contact you as we are worried.

Please know no matter how dark things may seem now, they can get better. If you're at immediate risk of harming yourself, then this is an emergency and you should call 000 immediately. We'd also encourage you to reach out to our friends at Lifeline on 13 11 14 for crisis support.

As you know, the online forums community is here to give you as much support, advice and conversation as you need. Please do check in and let us know how you're going whenever you feel up to it.

[Ely_]

Thank you Sophie. Unfortunately when the counsellor rang I had a support worker here and couldn't really talk much. Wasn't really in a talkative mood. Thank you though.

I do feel a bit more stable today, like I'm more on the cliff than on the edge.

I'm going out to have a look at the japanese zen garden today. I'm thinking of taking my sketch book / journal and just spending some time chilling out there. My worker says it's lovely up there.

I am hoping that today goes better, coz I feel like I'm waiting for the pin to drop.

I'm not feeling much at all right now tbh. Fairly zoned out.

[Aaronsis]

Hey Ely

I would love to know how your time at the Japanese garden went and if you did some sketching and some journalling, it sounds like a wonderful thing to do and I hope that you were able to find some joy and happiness. That you can see you are no idiot, you are a person who is struggling and needing some help right now, this in no way makes you an idiot. I understand that you are angry at your mind and the things it is leading you to think and feel, but you are fighting Ely and you are trying and you are doing so many great things to help yourself and this is a true credit to you.

I am so sorry that your family and friends feel that now that support is in place things should be better, that you should be "better", just as a broken bone needs time to heal once the plaster is on, so too does the mind and body with medication, it has to adjust and it may not work first time, so there is a waiting game and also getting used to these changes. That is really tough that you are feeling the expectations of others, I am sorry that is happening.

You are so very caring and I hear how bad you felt that you had to let the social worker go, but you need to do what is right for you and having someone that actually triggers you is not helpful. It is not being nasty or horrible it is just factual that as in life, we don't get along with every one and we don't mesh with every one, even though she was lovely and felt like a friend, she wasn't reading you and helping you, being over talkative was triggering for you and so you need someone else, I am sure she has come across this situation in her career before. I am sorry that it lead you to being in the ER that is the hard part as you do not need to be punished for making good choices for yourself.

I hear how scared you are feeling and how lost you are feeling and I am so proud you can reach out to us and to chat and to let it out, I hope that you feel supported and that you do have some hope and know that there is hope, there is a better tomorrow, there really is. It is tough to be told in summary about your visits and your need for medical intervention. To be told that the hospital should not be your primary method of care, I am so sorry you had to go through this. Know though that you can always call 000 and you should always go to ER if you are hurt.

I hope you are doing ok today and hope to chat soon to you Ely, sorry for the late reply but I had a death in my family and needed some time.

Hugs to you

Sarah

[Ely_]

Hi Sarah,

I'm so sorry to hear about your family member. Sending you virtual hugs. Please don't feel that you have to reply or any expectations from me. It is good to have your and other BB support, but we all need to take time for ourselves. ❤️ xox

While the pond at the japanese garden was filthy, overall it was still a nice time. I did do some sketching, but we didn't stay as long as we would have had it not been so busy and dirty.

I had my psychologist and counsellor appointments yesterday. They both helped me recognise that it was the right decision to let the support worker go and I don't need to hold onto the guilt about it.

My medication change is well and truly underway. I started the new one Monday night and have weaned down to the lowest dose prior to stopping the old one next Monday. I am so scared that I'll lose control.

We are getting a puppy soon, either this weekend or early next week. It's time for our other dog to have a friend again. He is bored/lonely and getting destructive again. I'm hoping to build a good companionship with the pup. Bailey, our 10month old is so independant it makes it a bit difficult. He is a great dane x, so is very sooky/affectionate, but is as happy laying around outside as being inside with me. As I have had so many hospitalisations while he has been young, that has made it harder for that companion bond to really form as well.

Lea and I had a fight last night 😞 I told her that if we had a spare bed I'd tell her to sleep there. So she got the mattress out and slept there. She has been staying up until the early hours pottering around downstairs every night. Monday, out of nowhere, tells me that she's taking 2 weeks off work coz she needs to deal with everything and is depressed. I'm glad she sees that she needs help, but I want her to talk to me about it! Anyway, last night was 3am again when I woke n she wasn't in bed. So I went and told her again, that better sleep times WILL help her so much and I'm sick of her staying up so late and then sleeping all day. I hardly see/spend time with her. She did the same thing when she had bronchitis 2wks ago. I'm so mad that she doesn't listen to me. It just proves to me again that anything I say just gets dismissed, that I am unimportant. It's my fault she is struggling with depression/anxiety. I feel like I've destroyed her. But when I try to help, she doesn't listen. Or says yep, sorry I'll try. Then ignores it.

Urges are strong today:(

[ecomama]

Hi Ely

How are you doing?

I'm sure it's difficult having relationship troubles in the midst of changing meds and your feelings remaining quite strong. Big hugs. Do you think Lea just wants you to listen (without trying to fix things?).... there's awesome talks online by Brene Brown, a MH researcher who burst out of the "lab" after decades to bring us so much wisdom. She brings this stuff up alot and I think she's pretty darned amazing.

Maybe you could watch her Netflix special "The Call to Courage" TOGETHER with Lea. Maybe some bonding time with her is needed too. If you don't have Netflix then there are HEAPS of her talks on YouTube for free.

What kind of puppy are you getting? Your great dane x sounds like a huge cuddle angel lol. I love pets. We have quite a few and cuddling them in my saddest times really helped.

I'm glad you have some great MH professionals to support you through this.

Love and bestest Prayers
EM

[Ely_]

Hi Ecomama,

I will have a look at the Brene Brown stuff. I don't think Lea knows what she wants, or if she does she's not telling me. I'm really hoping this medication change helps, and soon. I lost it a bit earlier after the pharmacy again got my webster pack wrong, partly because my dr didn't write everything needed, partly because Lea didn't tell them things. After a day of lots of little things going wrong it just really got to me. I've just changed pharmacies after the last one kept getting things wrong and were extremely rude. Felt like here we go again...

Took a little while to calm down, but my worker helped me with an ice towel and breathing.

Realised after I posted yesterday what the date was. 2 months since Ella passed away. 😞 Last night and today have been a rollercoaster of emotions for me.

We are getting a rescue puppy that looks to have collie, staffy/mastiff and cattle in it. I was supposed to go and choose between the 2 girls I like today, but the rescue manager had a family emergency so it's been delayed.

I feel very tightly wound. I think I need to release some emotion/s. I don't even know what emotion/s. If I did that would make it easier to work out what activity/etc to do. I can't just keep distracting from how I feel. DBT is all about learning to be ok with feeling emotions...

Might have a look through my paperwork...I don't know. Just lost and blah.

[ecomama]

Thanks for replying Ely....

I'm so sorry for your loss of losing Ella. She was one special pet. Big hugs. Sometimes I think of a very special pet I had a very special bond with and still have a cry.

But I'm totally on board with you, I get another pet and another one lol, so many need good homes.
I ALWAYS get rescue pets. We have a rescue poodle, got him just over 2y ago. He had so much anxiety it was horrible for him and all of us. We all loved him through this. He's much more relaxed now.

My daughter has a rescue collie and she is so clever and can tap into your feelings and mirror them. She's amazing.

Your new puppy will sure give you guys something else to focus on and care for!

From your last post I could probably take a guess at a few emotions you expressed....
* frustration
* anger
* sadness
* grief
* disappointment about not getting your puppy when you thought.

How did I go?

I put certain emotions into 2 boxes..... high energy (anger, frustration) and low energy (sadness, grief, disappointment).
Then do things to help release these like angry cleaning lol.
Or activities of self-compassion for the low ones.

Is this similar to DBT?

Love EM

[Ely_]

Hi EM,

We got our puppy on Friday. Her name is Aspen. She has helped me find a bit of joy again. I am getting conflicting feelings. Sometimes I feel like I'm betraying Ella by being happy with Aspen. Other times I feel like I should maybe be 100% better now I have a pup to 'make me happy'. It's so strange.

I'm not ready to tell my family yet as I know they are going to judge me.

Ely