Self harm urges and giving in

[Ely_]

Hi,

I've been fighting not to self harm more lately as the urges are happening more often. Especially the last week. I have been struggling. I'm at the point now where I want to give in to the urge. I want the numbness. I want the relief. I don't want to fight it anymore.

I saw my abuser's daughter today and that has triggered me alot. I have PTSD and BPD.

I'm trying to distract myself, have been trying mindfulness.

I'm sick of not even being able to shower without wanting to hurt.

I'm so ashamed.

I feel weak and stupid.

[Ely_]

Hi all,

I got home Friday from a few days in MH ward after couple days in ICU after last weekend. I didn't cope well at all. 😞 I'm ashamed to say that I gave up. And it was really close. I can't say how I feel about still being here. I don't know really. I do know I don't want to continue putting my family through that pain. All my meds are locked up and at chemist.

My best friend lied to my mum while I was in ICU....she was also asked not to come up and did anyways. She is trying to pretend like everything is normal. But it's not. I don't know how to talk to her about it. She is texting me small talk. She never! texts me...she usually calls.

It's all so weird and confusing.

I had my meeting today with my support worker. Went well. She will be back for a couple hours tomorrow.

Is it weird that with the heightened anxiety etc I really really want to SH now she's gone.... Sort of as a release, but also to stop what I am feeling.

Ely

[Aaronsis]

Hi Ely

I am so happy to hear that you are safe, I know how hard things have been for you lately and please feel no shame, please feel love, please feel you are needed and please feel the care that we have for you. I know it is hard to believe when you are struggling to get the support from your mother, and you are having a tough time with your friend, but this does in no way mean that they do not care for you or would be better off with out you. It is hard to feel the love and to see that they do care when the pain blinds you from seeing this.

That is really fantastic news that the support worker was helpful to you, also that she will also come back and see you tomorrow, you matter and people want to make sure you are ok.

I understand that you need to feel and need to release and need to have control, but you do not deserve this hurt and you do not deserve the pain of it and the wounds and the scars. How can we fight these urges and how can we fight the drive to do this? I know that it is a battle and you have fought so hard for so many days and won this battle, what were the things that you did and the self talk that you engaged in to tame this noise that tells you to hurt yourself?

I hope you are doing better tonight Ely and the Lea is ok too.

Looking forward to chatting to you some more Ely and to trying to help you to get through this time, we care, I care and I am here for you, anytime to chat to so please reach out and let us support you.

Hugs

Sarah

[Ely_]

Hi Sarah,

I was unable to stop myself on Monday, but was able to contain myself to less damage than has been my usual.

The overwhelmed feeling was so strong.

Yesterday was similar, but I was kept busy pretty much all day with appointments, which worked out well. Today has been much the same. Although I am struggling tonight. I had a difficult session with my Psych this morning and some of the things she said are resonating very strongly and keep reverberating in my head. This is the 2nd session where she has said something that irks me. I am going to have to try to find a way to talk to her about it. The first time she refered to my SH as me doing it willy-nilly. Like, for little or no reason. Today she said that she thought I was past all 'this' (the attempt and SH), given that even though I'd escalated I hadn't attempted when Ella died.

I don't know if I'm misinterpreting / assuming things....

So not a great start to my day.. Then I came across Ella's stuff n lost control of my emotions for a while.

Luckily I had a house inspection and the support worker coming so I couldn't sit in it for long.

This evening, idk... I'm off... agitated...out of sorts...I don't like when I feel like this. It feel like any minute something is gonna explode in my face. Or I will.

Ely

[Sophie_M]

Hi Ely,

We are so glad that you have reached out here to keep us updated on how you've been feeling. We're so sorry to hear that you've had a really tough day, and feeling a bit agitated tonight. But please know we're here to give you as much support and conversation as you need. You're never alone in this, and if you would like some extra support to talk through these feelings, the Beyond Blue Support Service is available to you, anytime, on 1300 22 4636 or you can get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport In addition to this, the friendly counsellors at Lifeline (13 11 14) and Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) are always available to you during your most difficult moments.

We hope that being part of this community can bring you some comfort and help you to feel a little less alone. Please feel free to keep checking back in and let us know how you are going when you feel up to it.

[Ely_]

I failed again.Back to day 0. Wife is calling the ambulance. Feel like shit.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Ely,

It sounds like things are really overwhelming at the moment, but we are glad that you have immediate help on the way. We can hear how disappointed and frustrated you're feeling, but please remember that support is available anytime if you'd like to talk through what's happening for you tonight. It must be so difficult to be keeping these feelings bottled inside, but we hope you know that you never have to go through this on your own. We're all here for you.

[Aaronsis]

Hi Ely

I am so proud of you though that you are reaching out here and trying so very hard to make different choices and to seek some distraction when you are feeling like this. It is a really bloody hard time for you but I want to enforce to you that you are trying, you are getting through each day and you are choosing to be brave.

I am so glad that Lea was able to call an ambulance for you, I hope that she is ok too.

I know that you are really focused on the days that you don't harm, and keeping a record of this as a way to compile successes V's when you harm. I am just wondering thou if this is doing more damage than good as you are focusing on when you go "back to 0". I feel like you see this as a sign of failure and that "here we go again, back to 0"? That instead of trying to find good and positive things to take your mind off your thoughts that you are focusing on the number count and the days you are racking up. Lets put that a side for a while, take today as a new day, let's get through today and think about some things to do that can make it bearable.

I can hear how traumatic the psych appointment was for you, can I clarify with you though if the parts that make it difficult for you is what she brings up and helps you to work through or is it that she referred to the SH as willy nilly and made it seem like a choice or like it was less impulsive than it very clearly is? These appointments are hard and they do bring up things that hopefully do resonate with you but they are supposed to create thoughts that can create peace and understanding and maybe answers, not have you questioning yourself in a negative way. Saying that she thought you were "past all this" does belittle the SH and does not give it the magnitude that it is for you, that you don't do it for little or no reason and that you are struggling, very much. Maybe the time when Ella passed you did let yourself grieve somewhat, like we talked about, that it is ok to feel sad and that your beloved girl has passed, that there was a difference in the pain of grief and that you can sit with that with reason, sometimes the other pain you feel you are not able to express in other ways, hence the SH.

I am proud of you Ely and we care about you so much, I think now we need to maybe back of with the counting of days, take each day as it comes, try to get back the focus of study and try to get some good things in your day. I am so happy you are safe Ely.

Huge hugs and love to you

Sarah

[Ely_]

Heya

Lea is disappointed. Her and MH team and everyone else since all keep asking me why I didn't call them. They don't understand. When I get to that headspace there is no room for reaching out. It's like a one way track. I spent some time trying to remind myself of my other strategies and tools, sensory tools etc. It didn't help. Plus I wanted to do it. I wanted the release and the numbness that comes with it. I know I can depend on that. I can control that. I am well aware this is a very unhealthy strategy to be using and I am trying to make better choices. hence I gave my partner my tools again. but I can't stop thinking that I could just go buy more. i'm so sick of my mind having these thoughts. my family doesn't understand how any of my mh issues affect me, and ofc this makes it more challenging when something does happen.

I had my first session yesterday with an online zoom dbt group. went ok. was just super anxious. the facilitator called me last night to catch up which helped.

my ndis supports have started now. psych is covered, just waiting on paperwork from her. support worker coming a couple hours a day to be with me and make sure i'm safe while lea's at work.

gotta have a behaviour support plan done and an OT assessment including sensory stuff.

finally opened my uni assignment again this morning. Not that I am motivated to do it. Just had a look at it and reminded myself of what I was working on. I have an extension to get it done. I have til the 26th.

So so much is happening this week..... and I'm dreading hearing from my best friend coz I don't know how to communicate to her that I need to not be friends with her while she is the way she is at the moment. Especially after everything at the hospital. I hate conflict....

[Aaronsis]

Hey Ely

I hear you, that the reaching out for help V"s the taking control of a situation that does give you relief but does also give you control, a feeling of "knowns", you know what you are doing and you know the outcome and you are in the drivers seat. I totally understand that this is the only thing at the moment that you feel like you have control of and that you know. I hear you that in that moment you scream for the control and the pain to stop so why would you reach out and tell someone to help when help equals taking that control away and leaving you with the pain, and then the feeling that you have let your loved ones down.

Remember a while back I mentioned to you about the plate smashing? I feel like this would be something that can help you get some relief, the fact of throwing plates or dishes on the floor, in a controlled way of course, and getting that anger out of you, that pain out of you and those feelings when you can throw a cup as hard as you can on the floor and see is smash. Can you see this being helpful to you?

I know you feel like Lea is disappointed in you but I believe she is disappointed that there is no relief for you, that she too can see the pain and the need for the control but she doesn't have answers for you either, I feel the same way. I wish I had some solutions for this and some actual tangible things that would actually help and work so that you don't have to do this to yourself.

I am so pleased that there are some things that are going well in that the facilitator called you to check in, this is awesome and also that the NDIS support has come through for you too. That is so great that you can lessen the load on your plate.

With regards to your best friend, I think it is totally reasonable to ask for some time and some space that you are not in the right place to be trying to manage this with a good outcome and you are not coping with the conflict, you are very much able to ask for this for your own wellbeing. There is nothing wrong with asking for time.

I am so proud that you opened up your uni work and you took some time to think about that and also that you have an extension, that is brilliant and I hope that you can give yourself a few hours over the weekend to get into that and to make some progress through that, I know from past posts that when you do make your way through your assignments you feel really good about yourself Ely.

Chat soon my friend and hugs to you

Sarah xx

[Ely_]

Ella is home.

Should try to keep busy. Doesn't feel right to distract from this.

Feels too much. I hate having bpd. when I want to disassociate I can't...

i miss her so much. she was the first one to the door in the mornings. first one to greet us when we got home. I miss her bunny-hop jump backwards when she was excited. I miss her tail knocking stuff off the coffee table every day. i miss her eyes.