Self harm urges and giving in

[Ely_]

Hi,

I've been fighting not to self harm more lately as the urges are happening more often. Especially the last week. I have been struggling. I'm at the point now where I want to give in to the urge. I want the numbness. I want the relief. I don't want to fight it anymore.

I saw my abuser's daughter today and that has triggered me alot. I have PTSD and BPD.

I'm trying to distract myself, have been trying mindfulness.

I'm sick of not even being able to shower without wanting to hurt.

I'm so ashamed.

I feel weak and stupid.

[ecomama]

Ely I'm so sorry for your loss BIG MASSIVE HUGS beautiful boy. Knowing what's happening right now breaks my heart. You are a BEAUTIFUL pet owner! We need you. The world needs people JUST like you. Right now.

Ella was a special girl who loved you unconditionally and you her. What an incredible relationship and sometimes these beautiful relationships end this way. One mourning the other.

No other pet could replace Ella, I know that. But PLEASE consider the hope you will give to another pet. Your pets live like royalty! As do ours (we have our freaking chickens living in our inside laundry like... I want them to be warm and safe).

Some pets are discarded, like I was by my extended family. Your feelings towards your family can be ignored better with the love and nurturing of a loving puppy (and chickens and a cat and a guinea pig... maybe?).Building your own family. Cleaning up after them will keep you busy or drive you bonkers lol.

You can get involved with groups of people who have souls like ours.
Here on the forums where people really DO understand!
And other places where people are rescuing thousands of chickens at a time to love and rehome, BOY do they need help!

These noble people exist and so do you. We really need you.

You WILL overcome this. You have shown incredible strength and conviction by handing over your tools.
You are being guided by caring people.

Take care
Much love EM

[Ely_]

Hi EM and Sarah,

Yesterday was 2 weeks without my beautiful girl. I didn't cope very well. I ended up at ED again.

I tried to call MH but they didn't answer.

So I gave in.

Am still at home. Don't want to be. Too many memories of Ella. Plus I'm having really bad flashbacks atm.

My ndis plan was approved and the lady is looking for the coordinator to get the people for me.

Should really be doing my uni assignment. Finding it hard to be motivated. Have an extension for 1 wk.

After getting back from ED last night Lea brought me a questionnaire thing she'd written out. Asking if I'm still in love with her. what do I know about her. what I know about my family. things like that. she's really doubting it.

makes me doubt being here. I've told her so many times about starting therapy to fix me to fix us. about doing couples therapy. doesn't it ever sink in? doesn't she understand that my sh has nothing to do with how much I love her. my bpd just makes me swing so instantly and impulsively in my head that I need the intense pain of my emotions to stop. sometimes I just need to escape my emotions.

it had been 9 days....

back to 0.

I feel like she is giving up on me. like everyone else around me has. they all say they'll be there. i'll be over on Wednesday....no show.... i'll call on Friday.... no call.... i'm sick of people letting me down. i'm sick of being in the too hard basket.

it hurts.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Ely72,

We're so sorry to hear you're going through such a difficult time. It sounds as though you are coping with quite a lot of different things at the moment and we understand you might be feeling hurt, drained, or overwhelmed. Please remember that we are all here for you, and here you are not in the too-hard basket.

Please remember that if you are having trouble getting through to your mental health help team, there is always support available to you. In those moments we would recommend trying one of the following services:
 

• Lifeline – 13 11 14 and https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/Online-Services/crisis-chat (online chat available 7pm-midnight (Syd time)
• Suicide Call Back Service – 1300 659 467

Please feel free to keep us updated on your journey whenever you feel up to it.
 

[smallwolf]

Sounds like you are really struggling at the moment 😞

I will tell you what had worked for me and if nothing else shows that I have sense of what you might be going through with your partner...

when I talk with my wife, I have sort of preamble to go through to make sure she understands we are talking about what is my head and not really me. And the preamble is delicate as well. And without it I can say the wrong thing which can put her on the defensive. At that point... why did I bother opening my mouth. So it goes something like -

"I need to talk to you about X. This is just something in my head and is more than likely irrational but it is what's in here..." (pointing to "brain")

the intent is to set context for the conversation. Then for me she can hear what my mind is saying rather than me - hopefully. Again, this might help, or not.

The other part is the person listening might interpret what you say differently to how you meant it.

Lastly and on the "on shows" - did you talk to your partner about this?

Just last Thu I had 2 appointments cancel on me. I also felt let down at that point. At the same time there was also a reason in both instances that were out of my control.

I would talk about grief but think I have said enough. Please know I am listening and am reading your posts. Know that when you are hurting you can post here and someone will reply.

Tim

[josh1245]

hey ely72 I would like to commend you for your tremendous strength and courage in asking for help it takes courage and bravery and something that you should be very proud of. I'm so sorry that you are currently going for this current struggle but everyone her in the beyond blue community is here to support you 100 percent. you have so much to live for let me tell you are amazing I know at the moment you don't feel that but you are your friends and family think that they love you because of how much of a special person you are. I want you to look in the mirror and tell the person staring back at you that they are a amazing person because they are. I recommend you go to your gp and talk about what you are currently going through and then they will refer you to a qualified professional so you can overcome this negative thoughts and feelings.

[Ely_]

I feel like such a burden. I tried to talk to my bf today about why she's avoiding me. Am I too hard to be a friend to now? She said my talking to a mutual friend about her past a couple weeks ago was why. And then said that it was coz I was 'disgusted and disappointed' in her for something she asked me. I assumed that the friend knew as they had been friends for 10 years, way longer than we have been. And I wasn't disgusted. I was disappointed that she asked me what she did, as it related back to my trauma history. I was just shocked and hurt that she thought it was ok to ask me to be involved in that circle again. After I explained that she backpeddled and said obv there's been a misunderstanding here and let's leave it at that. But I can't. She didn't even comment on how I told her I was hurt by what she said. So not only were my feelings dismissed, she can't even be honest about it. I am such a burden on everyone. I feel horrible. I just want peace. Be better to not have friends. I always get it wrong. My ndis plan was approved and mum is all judgy. doesn't think I should be getting the support Im approved for. thinks its a waste of taxpayers money. maybe she's right and I am a waste. even my sister cant be bothered letting me know when shes not turning up when she's made plans to. lea gave me a questions list on if I am in love with her still and what I now about her. she's doubting me too. she doesn't understand my illness. i'm sorry.

over it.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Ely72,

We're so sorry to hear you and your friend haven't been on good terms lately. We understand how upsetting and disappointing it is when our friends are not there to support us. Please remember that there is help available to you 24/7 if you'd like to talk to someone right now about what you're going through. You are always welcome to get in touch with our Beyond Blue Support Service (1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467), and a friendly counsellor will be happy to talk through these feelings.  Checking back in whenever you feel up to it.

[Aaronsis]

Hey Ely

Sorry for my late reply, I too have just been taking a few days to recharge and to try to catch up on a bit of mental health time, it is hard at the moment and I have just read your past two posts and I am sorry I was not here earlier. Your messages are really screaming how much pain you are in and with the added pressures of your bf, that hurts and is really hard, can you talk to her again and let her know that you did feel dismissed and like your feelings were not acknowledged? You are allowed to make mistakes and just like she is hurt about discussions that were had you too are hurting. Hopefully a good conversation here and some understanding can come into play and we are human, we get things wrong sometimes. We are allowed to make mistakes and it is how we recover that matters.

I think what Lea has done with the questionairre is really kind of good. I know you are thinking "what?", but it outlines very clearly what her concerns are and also outlines what she needs from you and this is great as with this information you can see clearly what your next steps need to be with her. She does need more clarity around your feelings for her, that is fine, she just needs some reassurance, hearing from you that the SH is a way of coping and that she is not the reason you are not coping sometimes and that they are very different things. I know you feel like you probably have said it 1000 times to her but the fact she is raising it means she needs some more support. You can do some small things here to really show her your feelings, make her her favorite brekky, write her a poem, buy her some flowers, anything small that can just show her your feelings. It is not your fault that you are struggling with BPD, you are doing so many good things Ely and you are really trying, just as you are trying she is too, it is not easy to support a loved one who is struggling, and that does not make you bad, it just means sometimes she needs some extra reassurance from you.

I am sure that missing Ella creates a more intense pain at this time as you are already in grief and feeling loss so anything else is really just too much.

I am just so proud you are reaching out, I am sorry your supports and not being strong for you, that your mum is not supporting you like you need, that the MH team didn't respond to you. Really bloody tough Ely. Can I commend you on your strength though, you are doing this even when it is so hard, you are winning.

Hugs as always

Sarah

[ecomama]

Dear Ely72

HIGH FIVE for getting the NDIS funding approved! Wooohooo! What an awesome achievement to get through that process.

OF COURSE you are entitled to it, heavens it wouldn't have been approved otherwise.

I hope you have a great counsellor and or psych to talk this over with.

IMHO your mother is way out of line saying those things. I'm a tax payer too and I am VERY glad for funding going to NDIS, MH and just like our hospitals, no one ever knows when they may need these services. Including your mother.

This money is not a waste. You ARE worthy and you are precious.

Big hugs, you must be climbing steep steep mountains if your mother speaks in these ways to you.

Love EM

[Aaronsis]

Hi Ely

Just stopping in to say hi and let you know I am thinking of how you are going and how you are feeling this week?

Sending you my hugs and hoping that things are ok with you my friend.

Hugs

Sarah