Self harm urges and giving in

Ely_ · ‎03-02-2020

Hi,

I've been fighting not to self harm more lately as the urges are happening more often. Especially the last week. I have been struggling. I'm at the point now where I want to give in to the urge. I want the numbness. I want the relief. I don't want to fight it anymore.

I saw my abuser's daughter today and that has triggered me alot. I have PTSD and BPD.

I'm trying to distract myself, have been trying mindfulness.

I'm sick of not even being able to shower without wanting to hurt.

I'm so ashamed.

I feel weak and stupid.

Aaronsis · ‎22-05-2020

Hey my sweet friend

I am so beyond sorry for your pain and your tears and that you have had to say goodbye to beautiful Ella, she has her wings now and will forever and always live in your heart. It hurts like hell today, and may tomorrow too...but in time it will hurt a little different each day I have found. For me, a piece of me died too on the day my brother passed too, so I hear what you are saying there, but, you remember the good days and the fun and the love and you keep her in your heart and memories forever.

I have said this to others too, I really don't believe that "time heals all wounds"...I think in time the hurts feels different, it never leaves really it just says with us in a form we can manage. These are just my feelings on grief and I have had to do some work to live with it, I am here for you Ely to help you through this time too.

As I said to you before, you cry, you feel the pain, you let it all out, and you let yourself mourn your gorgeous girl. You could in time make a special something to pay tribute to her, a little garden or a flower pot or even a candle or something you can remember her and honor her.

Ella was so blessed to have you as her mum and have such a lovely family with you and Lea, she was very fortunate to be loved and cared for.

My heart is with you both tonight and the feeling is very much raw, to answer your question, no ..it will not always feel this bad.

Huge hugs to you sweet girl.

Sarah xx

Guest_1643 · ‎22-05-2020

Hi Ely,

I'm sorry you've been hurting. I jut wanted to send support. It sounds like you're managing so much really well with your hobbies and uni and taking care of your beautiful angel Ella.
That is amazing that the vet comes to you. It's actually very caring and helpfu to have in home visits. My friend is a vet, I wander if he does such visits as well, I think it is nice to bond with the pet and the owner....

Aaronsis · ‎23-05-2020

Good Morning Ely

Just wanted to stop in and see how you are doing this morning and how you and Lea are feeling today?

I hope that you can do something nice together today, grab a walk and a coffee maybe and just some nice gentle time to be kind to you today.

Huge hugs to you both and I am thinking of you at this sad time.

Your friend

Sarah

Guest_1643 · ‎23-05-2020

Hi Ely,

So sorry for your loss.
It is so sad to lose her 😞 Sending you warmth and support

Ely_ · ‎27-05-2020

Hi all, it's been a tough few days here. During the 5 weeks of watching her deteriorate I got worse mentally due to the fear of losing my best friend and the feelings I knew were coming. (I have Borderline Personality Disorder). Now she's gone I'm completely at a loss. I go from feeling everything at 300% to feeling empty and lost. On Saturday night I ended up SH'ing pretty badly. Had to go to ED and get my first stitches for SH.. Last night I got stitches for 2 other SH injuries. I just want to keep doing it. I don't want to feel. It hurts too much. The anger and guilt and judgement from my family is all making it worse. Mental Health haven't been able to help much. They come see me, send me home and that's it. I did give all my tools and meds to my partner on Saturday night, but grabbed two back on Monday, and gave only one back to her last night. The urge is strong. I want to SH until the physical pain far outweighs my soul pain.... I am trying to distract myself with my studies, but I'm finding it hard to focus. My sensory tools aren't helping much atm either. I just keep getting overwhelmed and I hate it. I'm supposed to be going to the recovery facility in a couple of weeks I think. Idk if I want to go. Idk if I care. I'm sorta glad my meds are locked away.

Sophie_M · ‎27-05-2020

Dear Ely72,

We're so sorry to hear of your grief and how it's impacting your mental and physical wellbeing.

As we hope you know we're here to give you as much support, advice and conversation as you need.

It's great that you've taken steps to distract yourself from harmful thoughts and actions by trying to focus on constructive things like study. However, we are worried about you which is why our support service is trying to phone you to check in and ensure you're safe.

Please keep checking in and letting us know how you're getting on whenever you feel up to it.

smallwolf · ‎27-05-2020

the loss of someone special leaves a hole and mind full of of thoughts. Your post and your actions show how strong the relationship was and how much Ella meant to you.Your feeling are natural at this time and the time it might take to get through this period is undefined.

You mentioned your partner in your last post - have you been able to talk to them about how you are feeling? I can find it hard to talk to my wife sometimes.

There may come a time when you will remember Ella with fond memories. Until that time, please try to be kind to yourself. Your feelings of loss are real and can be worked through? If you want to chat more, we are here for you.

Tim

Aaronsis · ‎29-05-2020

Hey Ely

I am so sorry for the tardy reply, I hope that things have improved over the past day or two and that you are finding some support that you need.

I am so proud of you for handing over "stuff" to Lea, well done, not an easy thing to do but shows how much you are trying, fighting and rejecting these feelings of pain. They do win sometimes but so do you, and you win more times that it does.

I am sorry that stitches were required this time, that things got really quite bad. That the judgement from your family and the lack of support from Mental Health is not making a positive impact on you, this is tough.

I am proud of you that even through all this you are still making it to study, I am sure that this is not easy either as like you said, concentration is hard at the moment. I hear what you are saying and that everything is alot now and the sensory tools are not working and nothing much seems to be working. How about making a little flower pot or a small garden for Ella? While you may not be the gardening type it might just help. Going to Bunnings to get some soil and a pot and picking something really lovely to plant in there, maybe some little cute ornaments too..then planting and nurturing this pot and watching what you have grown in memory of your girl. It could be a place were you sit and remember, light a candle maybe too and just be with your memories of her.

I think that the facility would be a great idea. I can hear how tired you are, that perhaps you have lost hope and don't really care too much about the future ahead. I care, Lea cares and we want some peace and happiness for you. I hope you consider it Ely, you matter too much and have come so far, even though it feels otherwise.

Chat soon and hugest of hugs to you, you really are a warrior x

Sarah xx

Ely_ · ‎02-06-2020

It's been 11 days. I wanted to write more. But I can't.

Aaronsis · ‎02-06-2020

Hi Ely

Please don't feel like you have to write an essay when you come here..what you have written is fine and all you are able to right now, and if that is providing you with some distraction and something positive that is fine.

It is hard, it is so hard and I wanted to share a thread that I am on with another lady who also has lost her dog, only for the purpose of letting you know that it is fine to grieve Ella, it is hard and it does hurt.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/grief-and-loss/i-lost-my-dog-to-sudden-illne...

You don't have to read it all, or even any of it, but it might help, just an idea. Also no expectation for you to write anything either, I just wanted to share it with you.

I can hear how you are just so devastated you are Ely and I am so very sorry. Pets do give us a love that a human can't and we do have a connect that is different to that in which we have with people in our life.

Chat some more to you Ely and even if you just write "Hi", I will respond.

Hugs to you

Sarah