Self harm urges and giving in

[Ely_]

Hi,

I've been fighting not to self harm more lately as the urges are happening more often. Especially the last week. I have been struggling. I'm at the point now where I want to give in to the urge. I want the numbness. I want the relief. I don't want to fight it anymore.

I saw my abuser's daughter today and that has triggered me alot. I have PTSD and BPD.

I'm trying to distract myself, have been trying mindfulness.

I'm sick of not even being able to shower without wanting to hurt.

I'm so ashamed.

I feel weak and stupid.

[Ely_]

Hi Tim

Usually I would try grounding, meditation or one of many sensory tools I have ( balls/candles/fluffy things/smelly things/ pretty things).

Recently my psychologist had me make cards to remind me of the tools that work for each of the more common situations I experience. We have just started Emotional Regulation in DBT and we are hoping that this will help me a lot.

An update on Ella: the steroids seem to have helped a tiny bit with the diarrhea, but she seems more lethargic and less interested in anything. She is still happy for food though which makes me happy, but I know that is the lab in her. Her glands still feel just as swollen 😞 I'm dreading the vet's phone call this afternoon.

I have uni work to keep me busy this morning. And I'm just going to spend time with her. I fear I may have to make the decision sooner rather than later.

I saw my GP yesterday and she has increased one of my antidepressants. I also have a phone appointment with a MH dr today to discuss adding another medication that was discussed at the recovery centre.

I got in touch with my psych to get her advice yesterday and she has advised me to not block the emotions like I tend to, to try to let myself feel them. But if it gets out of hand or I get self destructive then use my cards and strategies.

Grief/Loss is one of the ones I really struggle with ever since I was a child. I have a complex and tangled history of grief and self-blame and negative experiences tied to loss/death. My father blamed me for my mother not being with her father when he passed coz we were at my netball break up when I was 13. My aunt told me she was dying when I was 14. I was a mess. She lived. Two years later I found out she'd lied. I became a mess again, halfway through year 12. Same aunt attempted suicide many times over the last 10 or so years. Finally succeeded about 2 years ago. I never confronted her. She was the type to lie to your face and then lie straight to your back.

Anyway, those are the two that stick out and had the worst impact.

And now I'm losing my best friend.

F**k cancer!

[Guest_1643]

Hi Ely,

That does sound very difficult and controlling with your aunt...i'm sorry you had people like that around you when you were young. I hope the DBT helps you, too. Glad you reached out to the psych. Really sorry Ella is struggling so much, she sounds like a gorgeous pet and companion. Sending you strength and hugs

[Ely_]

It's been a week since I last posted, and things have been all over the place. Ella is confirmed as having lymphoma 😞 She is finally responding to the steroidal medications, which will give her more comfort and us more time with her. I'm dreading when the meds stop working 😞 It could be anytime between now. Can be up to 3 months. I'm hoping for that, but will do what's best for her. I won't put her through any unnecessary pain.

There is one shining light in my life at the moment. My uni studies are going really well. I'm loving the content (web design), and finding it mostly easy but challenging enough in parts to keep me interested. (I'm a bit of a nerd). I've begun work on my second assignment and spent this morning photographing my neighbourhood for my webpage.

I had my partner home from work all week last week. She had a migraine and fever on Monday, went to gp, got sent to ED, they tested for Covid and isolated her at home for 3 days. Test was negative. Then Thurs she went back to ED for paperwork and they gave her medication for migraine and gave her more days off work. On Tues and Wed she was fine!! If she changed certain aspects of her lifestyle she wouldn't get half the migraines she does!

I need time at home on my own to reset. When she doesn't work it interferes with my routine and throws me. Eg. when she rang me from ED on Thurs morning to say she wasn't going to work after all and would be coming home shortly I got really angry. If she had gone to bed at a reasonable time, if she ate properly, if she didn't drink soooo much coke...… My plans for the day were out the window.

I had been sh free for 6 days. I got so angry that I had to reset to 0.

Today I have also had to reset.

I tried to have a good time while I was out getting photos for uni. First I met up with my sister and her kids at a park n the kids had a picnic while I took pics. Then I went round taking pics of places of interest etc in the area.

While at the park I got triggered.

When I got home my partner has gone out without leaving me a note/letting me know. This has been an issue in the past...

Feeling defeated, annoyed, angry.

So alone. My supposed Best Friend asked me something this week that left me feeling disappointed and betrayed by her. She knows my history and my recent struggles and yet asked me for something that brought it all back.

TLDR: Today sucks!

[Sophie_M]

Hi Ely72, 

We are so sorry to hear that you have been under some additional stress over the last week including being triggered on a few occasions. We are very sorry to hear that lovely Ella has been confirmed as having lymphoma. It's great to hear that you are responding in such a caring way for her, we think she is lucky to have you.

We are sorry to hear that you have been actively self harming this week. We would encourage you to seek medical attention to ensure your safety, as well as touch base with some mental health support on this. Please know that we are trying to get in contact with you to offer you some additional support.

Feel free to check back in here with the comminity whenever you're feeling up to it.

[Aaronsis]

Hi Ely

It is so great to chat to you some more and also so very wonderful to hear how your studies are coming along and that you are enjoying it and making some real progress, well done, I am really happy for you.

I am also happy for you and Leann that her results were negative, that is alot of stress that is now gone which is great, I can hear though that her change of plans, her being at home and her changing her routine really impacts you, I am so sorry that she didn't communicate as you need her to to be able to manage these situations as I can hear that you really need time to sit with the change, and be ok with it, which is fine. Perhaps there is some communication work there that still needs some attention so she can better express what is happening and that you can have time to accept and understand an that it doesn't lead to you feeling stressed, confused and angry, which leads to you hurting yourself and feeling not only pain but also disappointment in yourself as you have to reset to , which I can hear you berating yourself about.

6 days is a huge achievement for you and I am so very very proud of you and I hope you can take some time to reflect on that too and let yourself feel pride and a real sense of your journey to having these urges and the SH under control. As you know, it is a really hard time for you and hurting yourself is something you are battling with, but you have had huge wins too, and it is not something that is just going to disappear overnight, you keep fighting and you keep tallying up those days....let's try for 7 days...

That sounds so awesome being out with your sister and the kids, taking pictures and being outside at the park, how special and I am sure that there are some awesome pics there, you could even frame or do something creative with some as a gift for your sister, she would love that.

Lastly I am so beyond sorry for the journey you are on with Ella, it is so heartbreaking when we have to have our best friend being ill and considering what the future is going to bring for our fur babies, it is just devastating. As you so kindly said, you will know when the time is and that we never want them to suffer, even though it means us saying goodbye, their pain has stopped. It will be very hard but you will have support Ely and we will be here for you as will Leann and your family, we care so much about you.

I hope today is better for you and you have been able to do something enjoyable.

Hugs to you

Sarah

[Ely_]

Hi Sarah,

thank you for your words. I slept a lot yesterday to avoid thinking or feeling.

woke late this morning to find Leeann out, but had left a note this time yay. was nice to have the house to myself for a while. I had to go out and get milk (I have horrible anxiety with people and shops etc). I thought I'd be right not to take any medication beforehand, I'd try to wing it. I am really glad I did.

It was really hard, and I saw the nurse who treated me after my last visit. She saw me and smiled. Normally I would have a really negative thought process at that. But this time I thought she must be thinking it's good to see me looking better. Such a massive change!! DBT is helping for sure.

I still went into escape mode and was majorly anxious, even after I got home. I got my sensory bag out and tried a few things from the 'toolbox'. put music on. lit a nice smelling candle. I did end up having to have medication to calm me down.

Lucky I did. Got a text from my mother that made me really angry and makes me feel like she still doesn't understand me. I can't just go and visit my grandmother in hospital. I just can't do it. I'm scared to. Plus hospital. Plus people. plus judgements 😞

OF course then I got a text from lil sister saying she was up there again (1st time was 2 days ago). And that made me feel angrier and guilty.

All of that made me want to sh, break things etc.

Instead I did some worksheets from my dbt. The emotions are still there but they are not as intense now.

I also spent from 5 to about 8 pm reorganising my office/studio. Was a good distraction.

I still want to sh, because I feel like I deserve it now for not going and seeing oma.

I'm fighting it though.

I'm going to go to bed soon. Have an early night so I can have an early start on my uni work tomorrow morning.

New day. Try at new thoughts/stance.

[Aaronsis]

Oh Ely, it is so wonderful to hear that you are making some wonderful progress, that you are using your "tool box" that you chose to go for that rather than giving into the urges. You won today and I can hear how proud you are of yourself. I am so proud of you too, well done.

I am so pleased that Leeann left you a note, not only did this set you up for a good frame of mind it also shows that she is considering you, listening and she is learning too, this is still a process for her but she is on board and together making life happy and making life work, this is so wonderful.

You are so very right in your assumptions about the nurse seeing you, not only would she think that it is wonderful to see you doing so well, but that you are out and about but also may make her feel like seeing you she can actually make a difference, that her care and her support matters too, so a really great moment for you both really.

I hear you with guilt about your Oma and hospital, I too am in a similar situation, my mother has recently had two heart attacks and I am not able to see her at all. I feel awful, however, it is the current situation that there is only one visitor allowed, that sometimes it is not you, that sometimes there are none allowed, like when they thought there was a Covid positive person in her ward and they shut the whole ward. But you Ely need to do what is right for you too, and if being at the hospital is too much, you don't go, if people and the anxiety is too much, you don't go. What you can do is perhaps call the ward, ask the nurse if you can speak to your Oma, or even if you don't feel like that would work, you could ask her to simply pass a your message to her, that you are thinking of her, you love her and you will see her when she is well and this isolation thing is over...or whatever your words are but you get the idea. Do you think that would help make you feel less guilt?

You go to bed, have a wonderful sleep, I am so proud of you and that you are getting right in to your study and you are responding really well to your DBT, it is just making me so happy to read all the positive things you have said.

I just wanted to remind you, it isn't always bad to smash things. I mentioned to you before that my friend does some anger therapy and she get plates from the op shop, she has a space that she doesn't hurt anyone or herself, a space that the mess is easy to clean and she goes for it, she says she feels amazing afterwards.

Out of words..

Hugs

Sarah

[Ely_]

Hi Sarah n all

Yesterday sucked. it was all going well until Mum messaged me again about seeing Oma in hospital. I waited a bit then sent her a few messages explaining how I have been struggling lately and how I am scared and anxious to see Oma. She told me that seeing Oma in hospital should give me some perspective...…

wtaf…. perspective??? can she belittle me and my struggle any more?

I told her I don't need perspective I need understanding 😞

I was really upset then. I couldn't calm down. I tried my strategies. I tried my sensory stuff. tried tip therapy (with frozen peas). I figure I deserve it, so I sh'd.

Today I took an extra medication to help with my anxiety and made myself go and visit Oma at the hospital. My partner went with me. I couldn't have done it without her. Oma has a massive blood clot in her lower leg. it's as long as her lower limb... Her dementia is pretty bad atm, especially with not being at home. She looks so old and frail 😞 Mum was there when we got there and left pretty much straight away with barely a word to me.

Found out from Dad that Mum's sister is in Brisbane getting part of her lung removed (cancer). Mum said in the text last night that she couldn't talk to me anymore coz i'm so far away.

I feel like a horrible daughter and granddaughter.

I sh'd again earlier this evening. I want to do more 😞

I'm typing this now. I've turned my music up so that Lea will hopefully wake up soon. And I'm going to have to start cooking dinner soon I guess.

I don't know what I'm looking for by writing here. I know that it helps to get it out a bit.

I feel so alone and defeated.

I need to find my mojo. my purpose. myself.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Ely72,

We are so sorry to hear about your Oma. It sounds like it was a really difficult day yesterday for so many reasons. We understand that it would have been really overwhelming. We're concerned for your wellbeing as you have been self harming today and you may still be in that headspace. Our Support Service in trying to get in touch with you just to check in and give you and opportunity to talk about how you're feeling.

It's great to hear that you are starting to look for your purpose, or your mojo. That seems like a great focus to have and something that could be a lot of fun to explore. What kinds of things are important to you? If you could wake up in an ideal version of your life, what would that look like? You don't have to answer these questions if you don't want to, they are just food for thought. 

We're also glad to hear that you are finding the forums helpful in the act of writing out your thoughts and feelings. Feel free to keep us updated when you feel up to it.

[Aaronsis]

Hey Ely

I am here to share the time with until Lea wakes up, I am just so sorry that your mother has not learnt the best way to communicate with you and to support you, I am so very sorry. There are so many ways to lead a person to a choice if they feel they need to influence, but ultimately you are no fool, you know your Oma is unwell, this is not news to you. You also know that being in that environment is not good for you, I agree and I would avoid it too, hence me giving you some alternative ways in which you could communicate with your Oma, why could you mother not have suggested a facetime with her when she got to the hospital, or even a phone call. Sorry, I am not your mother and I don't know her thinking so should not be coming down hard on her, however she knows you are fragile and this should be considered when she talks with you.

You were very brave today to gather all your strength and to go to the hospital, I am just sorry that your Oma is so unwell, that you have to see such a special lady in your life in this condition, it is heartbreaking, but all you really took away from that visit was how your mother left so suddenly when you arrived, which is not fair.

I am so sorry you took to harming yourself, I am proud you tried, you went through all your supports and this time they were not enough, please don't punish yourself for that, you tried Ely and now we get to look forward and try to make it through the next hour and the next. Great you have the music up, that you have come here, even if just the typing and the writing puts you at peace for a while that is great.

Everyday you learn about you and you find out something about yourself, I am so proud when at a time that was really dark for you you have grabbed on to your studies and you have immersed yourself in them and are actually enjoying it.

Speaking of cooking dinner, I just made ravioli for my kids which will now be leading to an email to Latina, half of the little pasta pillows were unfilled...WHAT...and they are expensive...I don't usually be a Karen and want to talk to the manager but tonight I am king of the Karen's....hope your dinner is better than ours!

I am here if you need/want/like....just a message away.

Hugs

Sarah